It finally happened. Husband says he wants out and that's it. No more chances for us. He still loves ow and not me and he doesn't see that changing. So to end the pain and misery he is going to leave. Who's pain and misery is he ending? Certainly not mine. Now it's starting all over again.
Also found out that ow and her husband are not good either. Wondering if that has a factor in his decision.
What do I do know. How do I keep from begging him to stay and give us another chance? Please someone help me.

TTHO,

I can only imagine that this must be terribly hard for you. I hope that things work out for you.

Now for advice:

Plan A to me encompasses a lot of things. It is about making yourself the best YOU that YOU can be. It is about understanding your husband and his needs. It is about doing things that you know please your husband and deposit in his love bank, and it is about not doing things that are LB's to keep the love bank at a positive level.

Harley often recommends anti-depressants to couples in this infidelity situation. The emotions of this sort of trauma are overwhelming. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If you have the means, think about some medication to help you.

Meanwhile, try not to get hysterical. You are a brave strong person, and you can be calm and loving in front of your husband. (Can't you?) Most affairs don't last longer than two years, and being brave and strong and loving you have a much better chance of weathering this storm and coming out the "winner" at the other side.

A lot of the posters here have done what they could to passively delay the divorce. If you have children, by all means get support from him for the children, but you do not have to agree to a divorce. In no-fault states both parties have to agree that there is no hope of reconcilliation before the court will grant the no-fault divorce. If you do not agree to the divorce, then he will have to wait for a period of time to get a divorce without your consent. This time period will work to your advantage as you do a GREAT Plan A, and he will eventually notice the shortcomings of his OW.

Hang in there, and stay calm!!

Anne,
Thanks so much for your reply. Right now I feel about as low as possible. The problem is I know the ow and until this happened I thought she was genuinely a nice person. I know her marriage has been bad for a long time.
All of my children are grown. We have had real struggles with the youngest but that is looking up - I thought once things were better with him they would be better for us.
It's really hard for me to be calm. Not in my nature but I will really try hard to be a better person through this.
How do I sit back and watch him with ow - the thought of him with someone else just makes me want to scream. We live in such a small community that I will probably see them alot. I have thought of moving but all on my family lives in this town and they will be my support.
Thanks for your suggestions.
Kim

TTHO
After reading your other thread regarding lack of responses, I looked this one up. You and I have some things in common. (see my signature line)

While most everyone on this board are going through somewhat similar situations, those of us who have been married for 25+ years face unique emotions and challenges. We have a history with our spouses that those who are separated after shorter marriages don't have. Add to that the fact that we've seen our children into adulthood as a couple, only to have that taken away; plus the possible deaths of parents, job changes, all the things that we go through in a lifetime, and you have something that, in my humble opinion, seems worse. (I know some may disagree with this - but I'm talking from the perspective of cumulative history.)

Many of our husbands are going through the classic Mid- Life Crisis syndrome. You know, the "we never should have been married, I never loved you, I don't know what I want but it isn't you, I've been miserable for the last 15 yrs" kind of thing. At first I felt my world was falling apart when he left. But I have really used this single time to focus on me (via Plan A). Not having kids at home is a mixed blessing for this. We don't have to worry about their welfare, concerned with custody issues, but at the same time, we don't have their presence to serve as distractions for our loneliness.

Are your kids supporting you emotionally? Where do they fit into this picture for you? We have had (and continue to have) serious problems with our 22 yr old son, and with his dad moved out, our son is even more disconnected from us now. I'm glad your family is nearby. I am always afraid of running into my H too...so I make sure my appearance is always impeccable whenever I run to the grocery store just in case (I never used to do that!)

Have you considered counseling? I assume you've read "Surviving An Affair" by Harley. Another good book is "Divorce Busters" by Michelle Weiner-Davis.

I know we can all make it through this time. Hang in there! You will find lots of support here on this site!

Avondale 25
Thank you so much for understanding the 25 year thing. For some reason it just makes it worse for me. We have struggled our whole married life it seems - financially at first - then our ys (he's 20 now) was diagnosed with ADHD, Depression etc. He was very much a conflict for us. I kept trying to look at the big picture - when he was older and on his own we can have the great marriage I always wanted. The minute he left my wh did this. We never had just us time. I of course got the I don't know if I ever loved you - I don't know if I've ever been happy and he sees ow as his only way to be happy.
We haven't really talked with our children yet - my older son lives with us so I'm sure he knows what's going on. We talked a lot last night and are going to try and get through the holidays - I am going to be the best me I can and hope that there is a breakthrough. If not then I will just have to be ok. I know my daughter will be very supportive. My ys now lives 1400 miles away and not sure how he will react. Son that lives at home will be supportive for both sides I'm sure. Not sure if to tell them ahead of time or just wait until the seperation happens.
I am going to counseling - my wh says he doesn't need it. I will continue to go to help me through this.
I asked my wh why he didn't leave me years ago if he was so miserable - he used my ys as an excuse - though it would have been really hard raising them alone like you said I would have had something other than my own pain to focus on and something to get out of bed for each morning.
I have read divorce busters, torn asunder and so many other relationship books - I haven't read saa but I will try and buy that one.
Again thank you so much for your advice. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

T.T.H.O.

This really IS the hardest thing you may ever go through. I've talked to MANY people since my WH left almost a year ago (for another married woman) and they all agree to have a spouse die would actually be easier. In fact I have a friend whose husband left her twice (they're back togther now!) and she lost a young son some years ago. She indicates that this is harder in some ways than that was. So be kind to yourself. You are going through an exceptionally cruel kind of 'hell' right now.

I personally don't believe the one to leave has ANY concept whatsoever of the kind of pain this inflicts on the one left behind. Either that or they are indeed hard-hearted, cruel people. I don't accept any of the psycho-babble rationalizations they all spew at us on the way out the door. The bottom line is that if you don't love someone you WOULD HAVE REALIZED IT BEFORE!!!YOU FELL FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Leaving AFTER finding yourself emotionally trapped with someone else is the coward's way. If your marriage was so bad, your spouse would have been trying to fix it, been honest with you about what really WAS bugging him LONG before someone else came along to bull**** him. That's exactly what happened in my case. Unhappy husband for years; we spent hours/days/years trying to determine the root of his unhappiness, but not until he 'allowed' himself to fall in love with another man's wife, did he blame ME for our problems. When he was so emmeshed with her he couldn't give her up anymore, THEN I and WE were the problem. All the same old **** everyone else here has experienced - "I don't love you like that anymore', 'we are so different', etc.

Sorry I've gone off on a huge vent here; I'm going through a rough time right now. BUT, like others have told you, and you will see from other stories, it DOES get better! You have to look to God for comfort, and then pray, and then pray, and then pray. Get the idea? God has been my lifeline! through all this turmoil! And posting here helps immeasurably, and talking with friends. Do you have people you can vent with? It really Does help.

Anyways, got to go, but will pray for you and check up on you. You CAN get through this! You can get through this! You WILL get through this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

TTHO
Yes, I really do understand. We had planned our whole lives for the time when our kids were self-sufficient. Our plan was for me to retire early and work part-time (cuz I put him through undergrad, grad, and PhD school) so H and I could do lots of traveling (one of the things he seems to have "blanked out" on that we enjoy together).

We were on government assistance until our kids were about 5& 6 years old...and then things started "clicking" financially and we are actually upper class now (or were, not sure how things will be if D happens).

I know you are also struggling because he's there in the house with you... I imagine you might be caught in a pretending kind of behavior in some things since your son is there. It's hard to hide things from other adults (like you could if he was a child). For me, my H told me he was unhappy in April but for the sake of our daughter's wedding in June, we pretended through that entire period. It gave me time to Plan A for all I was worth! But her wedding was so bittersweet because I knew he was leaving as soon as he could. He and I had agreed to not do or say anything until after the wedding. So we told our daughter and her new H the day they got back from their honeymoon (welcome to the family, son! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). She was glad we hadn't told her and allowed her (and our families) to enjoy the wedding w/o knowing. It affected only me, I suppose, which is OK. One of those sacrifices mothers make for their kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Definitely read SAA as soon as you can. It's available in local bookstores. If you are going to try to get through the holidays, that may be YOUR "bittersweet time". Just try to focus on YOU. Do the Plan A thing while he's still in the house. This may be your only opportunity to interact, to show your H changes, etc. I know from personal experience that once he moves out, it is VERY difficult to work on the marriage. Life takes on an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality (for BOTH of you). That's where I'm at now, trying to overcome that.

Have you consulted a lawyer? At our age, there are a lot more assets and financial and legal ramifications from separation and divorce. I would strongly recommend seeing a lawyer, just for advice, so you won't be caught off guard, not to initiate anything. Different states have different ways of determining things. You can also go to DivorceNet or Divorce Source These sites give basic information. You need to protect yourself with knowledge so you won't be taken advantage of. After all, you invested into your marriage for a long time.

It sounds trite, but it will get better, no matter what happens. I know you can't see it now, but I promise it will. Take it one day at a time, starting this weekend.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Avondale25,
That is a big issue for us right now. Telling the kids. Not sure if to let them have a great holiday season and then drop the bomb or to give them a heads up. I am going to ask that questions today on the board.
I am really sorry for what you are going through. But also relieved to hear that someone else has gone through this and survived. Sometimes it feels like I won't.
My daughter is probably going to get engaged this year. I was hoping to make it through her wedding but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. How did your children react? Is your daughter upset with your husband. I don't really want that to happen - especially if things don't work out before her wedding.
Again like you I thought of all the things we would and could do after ys was gone. I do have quite a bit of weight to lose and am really working on that. Have always been an emotional eater and lost a brother and father within a few years and all this crap with my ys didn't help.
I haven't consulted a lawyer - my wh and I did sit down and talk about assets - not much for 25 years of marriage - I think it will be fair to both of us. I have seen some bitter divorces in my family and I really don't want that to happen in my case. Not sure that it won't though. Thanks for the advice.

Natasha79,
You're right - this is the hardest thing I have been through. I had asked my counselor how I could feel worse through this then when my brother and father passed away. She said they didn't choose to leave you - your husband has chosen to do this - made a lot of sense.
I have asked my wh if he knows what this is doing to me - he compares the pain he is in not having ow to the pain I am in - that's the closest I came to putting a bat up side his head. How can that compare. But I tried to stay rational through that. My wh did say at one point that he wasn't happy - probably two years ago - but it was him not me - knew that problems with ys had a lot to dot with that. I made some changes and I thought things were better - but of course after ow he tells me that there was no difference. I also got the they have so much in common bull crap.
I do have people to vent with and I really appreciate this board - just knowing other people have survived this is really helpful.
My wh is the only man I have ever been with - even really dated and the thoughts of him not being here really scares the crap out of me.
Thanks so much for your reply.

Hanora,
I will be 43 the 23rd of this month. Husband is 46. I have quit begging - even though it's hard not too. I am trying to plan A - have been since dday - but with h working with ow it made it extremely hard for me - but will definately do a Plan A now but more for me. My weight has been an issue for me - wh says not for him - not sure if I believe that though. Have been making positive changes in that direction.
I don't know what ow is thinking - she has had a bad marriage for a while but that doesn't mean she had to ruin mine. So compared to her husband mine is wonderful. She has done this two other times before with men older than her - see a pattern. But of course my wh doesn't believe that - he believed for 10 years that I had an affair at one point (never even came close to happening) and that's why he was unhappy - but instead of finding out by asking me he let if fester until he got so angry he was miserable. I blamed it on my ys - who knew - but of course his precious ow wouldn't do anything like that. There are times I wonder why I'm Trying To Hang On.