....Lets pretend we never divorced.... - 10/20/03 04:08 PM
Hello and thank you to all who have taken the time to read my post.
My ex-H and I recently divorced this past August. We were married for 15 months. The background goes as such:
My ex is a police officer who works midnights. During our marriage, he worked a 4 on / 4 off. I worked a typical 9 to 5, 5 days a week. We hardly ever saw each other. We didn't even have a honeymoon b/c of the time issue. After our wedding, I moved in but my H's male roommate didn't move out. My H said he promised his friend he could live in his house for an entire year, which wasn't up yet. So, I lived in my new home with a strange man and my new H for 4 months after H & I got married. On top of this, when H had his 4 days off, he slept a lot, or went out w/friends till wee hours of the morning. That really didn't bug me as much as the fact that whenever I suggested that we spend some QT together alone, he would be too tired or would call one of his "buddies" to come along. So, we never really had that crucial "honeymoon/newlywed" bonding period.
My H's mother also had a key to the house. She let herself in whenever she pleased, especially when we weren't home. You see, my H's parents bought him the house so they felt it was "theirs". My H's mother couldn't stand me. Why? B/C I was close w/ my family. She said I was "too" close w/them and that it was "unhealthy". His family would poke fun every time I would go over to their house for dinner. They would make jokes about the fact that my sisters and I actually like to hang out with our parents. (Actually, my H's parents HATED their parents, so I believe they are the ones with the issues).
Fast forward...I got pregnant 5 months after we got married. I continued to work during my pregnancy, which was difficult as I carried a full breech baby along with having placenta previa. The pregnancy was a bit risky so my Dr. ordered me to bed rest in the 7th month. With all of this going on, you would think H would have helped me get ready for baby. NO. I asked him to help me put the baby's crib, high-chair, stroller and whatever else needed assembly...but didn't get a lick of help from him. As the pregnancy progresses, so did my H's lack of interest. At the time, I dismissed it as a male version of Post Pardom Depression. But even during all of this, I maintained the household chores myself, cooked, cleaned, bathed our huge rottie and jack russel b/c he refused to, paid the bills, etc, etc, etc. I didn't mind doing some of it, but he felt since I was no longer working, those were my duties. So, I got pissed! I became bitter! I would try to communicate to him that I was on bed rest and neede the help, besides the fact that I wasn't his friggin maid! At this point, everthing went downhill.
Hopefully, this background I have given has not confused you. I just wanted to give you adequate information.
Now...to bring you up to speed...He filed for a divorce 8 weeks after I gave birth to our first child. I suffered PPD (along with the issues as stated above). By the time my Dr. put me on Zoloft, our marriage was already in the toilet. On top of this, my H told me I was still "too fat" to have sex with and that b/c I'm a "mom" now, it's just not the same. I was still getting no support or help from him with the household, and it was harder with a new baby! But I bit my lip and did what I thought I had to do. I tried to be "the good wife". I knew that our marriage was failing and suggested marriage counseling. He didn't want to see a counselor. Finally, the proverbial "poop" hits the fan and we have a horrible fight. He leaves me and our newborn baby in the middle of the night and calls my parents (who live 100 miles away) and tells them to "come get me, he quits".
So, at 29 years old, I move back in with my folks, along with my infant daughter and slowly put the pieces of my life back together. 2 weeks later, I'm served with the D-papers. The divorce was HIDEOUS!!! which was so unnecessary. It just had to be that way b/c he is a cop and had to cover his butt fearing I would try to ruin his reputation by calling I.A. on him out of revenge.
After all of the hateful and hurtful things that went on during the D, I remained civil, fair and open. I expressed to my H that there is still hope for us and to stop the divorce and seek counseling. I knew that there were outside factors, forces if you will, that kept him and "us" from being "US". His family being the biggest factor. No go.
NOW...6 months later and a divorce in the bag, he tells me he REGRETS filing for a divorce and only did so hastily. He tells me day in and day out that it was the bigges mistake he ever made and realizes that we should have gone to counseling and how much he still loves me and misses me and our daughter. He has started to see a Psychologist and is trying to make improvements in himself. He is a terriffic father to our baby and is very much involved with her life. And our marriage was not completely sour. We did have some great times together! And I wasn't perfect, I know that. I was difficult at times too.
What BOTHERS me so much is that I saw the wall we were heading toward and he couldn't. My cries for help were falling on deaf ears!!! And now, after all of the nonsense that was suffered is when my ex sees it! When I asked my ex what went wrong, he replied he couldn't handle making grown up decisions b/c he never had to until we got married. He wants to "try the marriage again", but not until he is ready. In the meantime, he wants us to "act as if we never divorced and act as if we are just "seperated". I am being told by my family, friends, even my doctor that it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. That too much damage has been done and too many hateful things have been spewed between his family and my family.
I believe in second chances. I believe that when someone says "I'm sorry, I made a mistake", that to forgive is indeed divine. I am alone in this philosophy and I am being told that I'm a fool setting myself up for another disaster. All in all, there are just too many issues to touch on and I couldn't begin to type them all in this post. I only highlighted the issues I felt were the most destructive.
And so, my friends, I am a bit torn. I see the point my family, friends and Dr. are making, but something inside of me tells me, "give it a second chance". Do any of you have any insight you would like to share with me? I would really appreciate it. I would like to know if in fact I am indeed wearing blinders. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and for your imput.
Truly,
Mackie's Mom.
My ex-H and I recently divorced this past August. We were married for 15 months. The background goes as such:
My ex is a police officer who works midnights. During our marriage, he worked a 4 on / 4 off. I worked a typical 9 to 5, 5 days a week. We hardly ever saw each other. We didn't even have a honeymoon b/c of the time issue. After our wedding, I moved in but my H's male roommate didn't move out. My H said he promised his friend he could live in his house for an entire year, which wasn't up yet. So, I lived in my new home with a strange man and my new H for 4 months after H & I got married. On top of this, when H had his 4 days off, he slept a lot, or went out w/friends till wee hours of the morning. That really didn't bug me as much as the fact that whenever I suggested that we spend some QT together alone, he would be too tired or would call one of his "buddies" to come along. So, we never really had that crucial "honeymoon/newlywed" bonding period.
My H's mother also had a key to the house. She let herself in whenever she pleased, especially when we weren't home. You see, my H's parents bought him the house so they felt it was "theirs". My H's mother couldn't stand me. Why? B/C I was close w/ my family. She said I was "too" close w/them and that it was "unhealthy". His family would poke fun every time I would go over to their house for dinner. They would make jokes about the fact that my sisters and I actually like to hang out with our parents. (Actually, my H's parents HATED their parents, so I believe they are the ones with the issues).
Fast forward...I got pregnant 5 months after we got married. I continued to work during my pregnancy, which was difficult as I carried a full breech baby along with having placenta previa. The pregnancy was a bit risky so my Dr. ordered me to bed rest in the 7th month. With all of this going on, you would think H would have helped me get ready for baby. NO. I asked him to help me put the baby's crib, high-chair, stroller and whatever else needed assembly...but didn't get a lick of help from him. As the pregnancy progresses, so did my H's lack of interest. At the time, I dismissed it as a male version of Post Pardom Depression. But even during all of this, I maintained the household chores myself, cooked, cleaned, bathed our huge rottie and jack russel b/c he refused to, paid the bills, etc, etc, etc. I didn't mind doing some of it, but he felt since I was no longer working, those were my duties. So, I got pissed! I became bitter! I would try to communicate to him that I was on bed rest and neede the help, besides the fact that I wasn't his friggin maid! At this point, everthing went downhill.
Hopefully, this background I have given has not confused you. I just wanted to give you adequate information.
Now...to bring you up to speed...He filed for a divorce 8 weeks after I gave birth to our first child. I suffered PPD (along with the issues as stated above). By the time my Dr. put me on Zoloft, our marriage was already in the toilet. On top of this, my H told me I was still "too fat" to have sex with and that b/c I'm a "mom" now, it's just not the same. I was still getting no support or help from him with the household, and it was harder with a new baby! But I bit my lip and did what I thought I had to do. I tried to be "the good wife". I knew that our marriage was failing and suggested marriage counseling. He didn't want to see a counselor. Finally, the proverbial "poop" hits the fan and we have a horrible fight. He leaves me and our newborn baby in the middle of the night and calls my parents (who live 100 miles away) and tells them to "come get me, he quits".
So, at 29 years old, I move back in with my folks, along with my infant daughter and slowly put the pieces of my life back together. 2 weeks later, I'm served with the D-papers. The divorce was HIDEOUS!!! which was so unnecessary. It just had to be that way b/c he is a cop and had to cover his butt fearing I would try to ruin his reputation by calling I.A. on him out of revenge.
After all of the hateful and hurtful things that went on during the D, I remained civil, fair and open. I expressed to my H that there is still hope for us and to stop the divorce and seek counseling. I knew that there were outside factors, forces if you will, that kept him and "us" from being "US". His family being the biggest factor. No go.
NOW...6 months later and a divorce in the bag, he tells me he REGRETS filing for a divorce and only did so hastily. He tells me day in and day out that it was the bigges mistake he ever made and realizes that we should have gone to counseling and how much he still loves me and misses me and our daughter. He has started to see a Psychologist and is trying to make improvements in himself. He is a terriffic father to our baby and is very much involved with her life. And our marriage was not completely sour. We did have some great times together! And I wasn't perfect, I know that. I was difficult at times too.
What BOTHERS me so much is that I saw the wall we were heading toward and he couldn't. My cries for help were falling on deaf ears!!! And now, after all of the nonsense that was suffered is when my ex sees it! When I asked my ex what went wrong, he replied he couldn't handle making grown up decisions b/c he never had to until we got married. He wants to "try the marriage again", but not until he is ready. In the meantime, he wants us to "act as if we never divorced and act as if we are just "seperated". I am being told by my family, friends, even my doctor that it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. That too much damage has been done and too many hateful things have been spewed between his family and my family.
I believe in second chances. I believe that when someone says "I'm sorry, I made a mistake", that to forgive is indeed divine. I am alone in this philosophy and I am being told that I'm a fool setting myself up for another disaster. All in all, there are just too many issues to touch on and I couldn't begin to type them all in this post. I only highlighted the issues I felt were the most destructive.
And so, my friends, I am a bit torn. I see the point my family, friends and Dr. are making, but something inside of me tells me, "give it a second chance". Do any of you have any insight you would like to share with me? I would really appreciate it. I would like to know if in fact I am indeed wearing blinders. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and for your imput.
Truly,
Mackie's Mom.