Hello and thank you to all who have taken the time to read my post.
My ex-H and I recently divorced this past August. We were married for 15 months. The background goes as such:

My ex is a police officer who works midnights. During our marriage, he worked a 4 on / 4 off. I worked a typical 9 to 5, 5 days a week. We hardly ever saw each other. We didn't even have a honeymoon b/c of the time issue. After our wedding, I moved in but my H's male roommate didn't move out. My H said he promised his friend he could live in his house for an entire year, which wasn't up yet. So, I lived in my new home with a strange man and my new H for 4 months after H & I got married. On top of this, when H had his 4 days off, he slept a lot, or went out w/friends till wee hours of the morning. That really didn't bug me as much as the fact that whenever I suggested that we spend some QT together alone, he would be too tired or would call one of his "buddies" to come along. So, we never really had that crucial "honeymoon/newlywed" bonding period.

My H's mother also had a key to the house. She let herself in whenever she pleased, especially when we weren't home. You see, my H's parents bought him the house so they felt it was "theirs". My H's mother couldn't stand me. Why? B/C I was close w/ my family. She said I was "too" close w/them and that it was "unhealthy". His family would poke fun every time I would go over to their house for dinner. They would make jokes about the fact that my sisters and I actually like to hang out with our parents. (Actually, my H's parents HATED their parents, so I believe they are the ones with the issues).

Fast forward...I got pregnant 5 months after we got married. I continued to work during my pregnancy, which was difficult as I carried a full breech baby along with having placenta previa. The pregnancy was a bit risky so my Dr. ordered me to bed rest in the 7th month. With all of this going on, you would think H would have helped me get ready for baby. NO. I asked him to help me put the baby's crib, high-chair, stroller and whatever else needed assembly...but didn't get a lick of help from him. As the pregnancy progresses, so did my H's lack of interest. At the time, I dismissed it as a male version of Post Pardom Depression. But even during all of this, I maintained the household chores myself, cooked, cleaned, bathed our huge rottie and jack russel b/c he refused to, paid the bills, etc, etc, etc. I didn't mind doing some of it, but he felt since I was no longer working, those were my duties. So, I got pissed! I became bitter! I would try to communicate to him that I was on bed rest and neede the help, besides the fact that I wasn't his friggin maid! At this point, everthing went downhill.

Hopefully, this background I have given has not confused you. I just wanted to give you adequate information.

Now...to bring you up to speed...He filed for a divorce 8 weeks after I gave birth to our first child. I suffered PPD (along with the issues as stated above). By the time my Dr. put me on Zoloft, our marriage was already in the toilet. On top of this, my H told me I was still "too fat" to have sex with and that b/c I'm a "mom" now, it's just not the same. I was still getting no support or help from him with the household, and it was harder with a new baby! But I bit my lip and did what I thought I had to do. I tried to be "the good wife". I knew that our marriage was failing and suggested marriage counseling. He didn't want to see a counselor. Finally, the proverbial "poop" hits the fan and we have a horrible fight. He leaves me and our newborn baby in the middle of the night and calls my parents (who live 100 miles away) and tells them to "come get me, he quits".

So, at 29 years old, I move back in with my folks, along with my infant daughter and slowly put the pieces of my life back together. 2 weeks later, I'm served with the D-papers. The divorce was HIDEOUS!!! which was so unnecessary. It just had to be that way b/c he is a cop and had to cover his butt fearing I would try to ruin his reputation by calling I.A. on him out of revenge.

After all of the hateful and hurtful things that went on during the D, I remained civil, fair and open. I expressed to my H that there is still hope for us and to stop the divorce and seek counseling. I knew that there were outside factors, forces if you will, that kept him and "us" from being "US". His family being the biggest factor. No go.

NOW...6 months later and a divorce in the bag, he tells me he REGRETS filing for a divorce and only did so hastily. He tells me day in and day out that it was the bigges mistake he ever made and realizes that we should have gone to counseling and how much he still loves me and misses me and our daughter. He has started to see a Psychologist and is trying to make improvements in himself. He is a terriffic father to our baby and is very much involved with her life. And our marriage was not completely sour. We did have some great times together! And I wasn't perfect, I know that. I was difficult at times too.

What BOTHERS me so much is that I saw the wall we were heading toward and he couldn't. My cries for help were falling on deaf ears!!! And now, after all of the nonsense that was suffered is when my ex sees it! When I asked my ex what went wrong, he replied he couldn't handle making grown up decisions b/c he never had to until we got married. He wants to "try the marriage again", but not until he is ready. In the meantime, he wants us to "act as if we never divorced and act as if we are just "seperated". I am being told by my family, friends, even my doctor that it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. That too much damage has been done and too many hateful things have been spewed between his family and my family.

I believe in second chances. I believe that when someone says "I'm sorry, I made a mistake", that to forgive is indeed divine. I am alone in this philosophy and I am being told that I'm a fool setting myself up for another disaster. All in all, there are just too many issues to touch on and I couldn't begin to type them all in this post. I only highlighted the issues I felt were the most destructive.

And so, my friends, I am a bit torn. I see the point my family, friends and Dr. are making, but something inside of me tells me, "give it a second chance". Do any of you have any insight you would like to share with me? I would really appreciate it. I would like to know if in fact I am indeed wearing blinders. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and for your imput.

Truly,
Mackie's Mom.

It sounds is if your X had FOO issues, ie. Family of Origin issues. Their skewed way of viewing the world is how X learned how to view the world.

One key theme on the site is, don't reconcile without a plan. Work with a MC and develop a plan, written and agreed upon to recover from the M. This will mean learning to set boundaries for you, and both of you being accountable for your own actions.

PS. I know what you mean about doing everything for the babies & putting all the baby stuff together. Perhaps you married a 17 yo child (emotionally) like I did. My H never did grow up.
Ask yourself, is there a history of physical, alcohol or drug abuse in H's family? If so, read up on ACOA.org, you may learn alot. My X's family are enablers, and I had become one too. They can raise their son again, I'm done.

I am new to this site but was drawn to your story because it is so familiar to me. I have a friend who was in a similar position.

No one can tell you whether it is right or wrong to reconcile with your ex. That is a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life. He neglected you and you have to know whether or not you can go through that again. Most men can make changes short term, but what about the long-term? Does he have the emotional resources to make those changes? Will he be using your resources to fix himself or will he do it on his own? Do you still feel like you are supporting him emotionally (too much) and that he won't be able to 'make it' without you? If so then you know this wouldn't be a healthy relationship. I know it is hard with the baby. You are probably really longing for the normal family life. And who's to say that that can't happen? My advice: take it slow. and don't act like nothing happened. he abandonded you emotionally and physically. he abused your love and that is something you need to hold in high regard; your love. let him know that you are not going anywhere but that if he means what he says then he can wait until YOU are ready. If he has learned patience and understanding then this shouldn't be a problem for him.
The hardest part about all this will be looking into yourself and asking yourself why you were involved with him in the first place. I am not doubting that he has MANY good qualities. At the same time if he had not divorced you would you have ended the relationship because you felt disrespected or abused? if not, then ask yourself why, why would you have settled? why would you have allowed him to continue on like that?
only you know the answers and it will take a long time to figure it out. are you going to individual counseling?
i also recommend 'The Emotionally Abused Woman', you can get a cheap copy off of Amazon.com.

Good luck and you have made a great step just by talking about these things.

love and light

Mackiesmom,

Ok, you just posted a 1000 words or so about your relationship, and absolutely nothing in those words said a single good thing about your exH.

He couldn't handle being married, his parents don't like you, they come into your/their house uninvited. Your H divorces you and makes it nasty AND now he wants to PRETEND that you are just separated. Does this PRETEND include bedroom privledges (sp)?

Tell me what has changed? Has he stopped going out with the boys? Is the roommate gone? Have his parents changed their view of you?

MM, it is easy to be a good father, when you only see the child every so often and can leave when things get rough. Sort of like grand parents.

I see no compelling reason why you should go back to this man. He has offered nothing but words to you, and his lifestyle has not changed. He still lives in the house his parents own, he still is doing what he has always done, isn't that right???

This is marriage builders and I am a strong believer in marriage, but you are not married to this man, and I think he gave you gift by forcing the D. As a man, I would like to think that there are those of us out there that would much better represent our side of the human species and make a much better H than yours has.

By the way, second chances are for those that earn them, and your exH has not done that. Plus, this isn't gambling and chance has little to do with past behaviors and possible future behaviors unless something very drastic changes. Have you seen him make any drastic changes?

Think about that.

God Bless,

JL

I'd say no way to pretending to be separated. If he'd like to date you, if he'd like to prove to you he's a grown man who can handle the stressful job of being a cop and come home and do his share of the childcare, fine.

But, I'd wait at least two years.

You may have made mistakes, but his treatment of you during you're "Bed rest" is close to criminal negligence. All's well as Ends well, but two lives could have been lost to housework.

Dear, do yourself a favor. And if you remarry, make sure it's a man who, upon hearing his wife ordered to bed for her safety and the child's, brings her breakfast in bed, books to read and gets annoyed that she insists on getting up to use the bathroom rather than the antique porcelin bed pan he bought her.

You deserve someone who can help you when you need it. If you ex PROVES to be this kind of man, then you can consider giving him another chance.

my situation is sort of like your's. i neglected my wife for about a year of our two year marriage because i was in school and had a lot on my plate. not to the extent she says however. i tried to reconcile with her but she did not want to.
i wanted to tell you not to pretend that you are separated. i also wanted to tell you that it is NEVER too late. do me a favor and read
1 Corinthians 13 (my favorite scripture). "...love keeps no record of wrongs..."

good luck and God Bless!
ves

OH, YOUR STORY SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE MINE, ONLY I PUT UP WITH ALL OF THAT AND MORE, FOR 11 YEARS (8-1/2 MARRIED, 2-1/2 LIVING TOGETHER)(HE WAS 9 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME)
I FINALLY DIVORCED HIM IN SEPTEMBER 2003, AND AM HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN.
WE WERE SEPARATED AT LEAST 5 TIMES, IN THE YEARS WE WERE MARRIED. ONE OF THEM BEING FOR 8 MONTHS, I FILED FOR DIVORCE, AND ACTUALLY DID NOT WANT HIM BACK.
HE BEGGED AND BEGGED, SAID HE WOULD CHANGE, COUNSELING, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH~ THE WHOLE 9 YARDS. THINGS WERE GOOD FOR APPROXIMATELY 6 MO., THEN THERE IT WAS AGAIN, SAME THING.
EVEN THE IN-LAW SITUATION OF YOURS, SOUNDS LIKE MINE WAS. IT WAS RIDICULOUS, SPENT TOO MANY YEARS HURT, UPSET, MAD, JUST PLAIN MISERABLE, THINKING MAYBE SOMEDAY I COULD CHANGE HIM~DOESN'T HAPPEN.

MAYBE YOUR SITUATION WOULD BE DIFFERENT, BUT IT WASN'T IN MY SITUATION. LIFE IS TOO SHORT! AND FINALLY AT 44 YEARS OLD, 2 MARRIAGES, 4 KIDS (2 FROM FIRST, 2 FROM SECOND), 3 GRANDCHILDREN, I AM THE HAPPIEST AND MOST CONTENTED WITH MYSELF AND ABSOLUTELY LOVE LIFE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I SPENT TOO MANY YEARS PUTTING MY 2 YOUNGEST BOYS, IN A HORRIBLE SITUATION.

I GUESS EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT, MINE WAS A MISERABLE EXISTENCE.

Mackiesmom
I know you are lonely now. I felt terribly lonely immediately after my divorce and would definitely have a strong urge to go back to my ex if he came calling. My advice is don't do it. He hasn't and will not change. Even the suggestion to "pretend" not to be divorced shows how immature this man is. It is difficult to raise a baby alone but this man will probably not be able to help you. He will probably just break your heart again.

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: ruby1 ]</small>

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: ruby1 ]</small>