Divorced ladies: Did you change your name? Guys, what do you think too?

Today I go to see my lawyer to pick up "the cheque" and to direct her to finally file my Dv papers with the court. The end is in sight, as she has told me the divorce should be final within 4-6 weeks.

I am not so sure I want to continue to live with the surname of a man who is no longer my husband, and whom I never had any children with. I am strongly considering changing back to my maiden name.

The upside to changing my name would be a fresh start, an added sense of independence, and a clear statement to everyone in my life that I am no longer married. Part of me also thinks it would be wierd for any man I may date in the future to find out that I still carry my ex-H's surname, like maybe it would signify that I still carry a torch for him or something.

The downside to changing my name is that I am a teacher. It would mean having to make hundreds of students learn to call me by a different name, and having to undergo the kinds of questions they ask, like, "Why did you get a divorce?" and some of the rude ones I'm sure would even ask things like, "Did your husband cheat on you?" Now of course I know better than to even begin to answer those questions with anything more than, "That's personal and it's none of your business." Also, the surname I have now has been the same for over 8 years, and it's the name people have associated with me in my school district for that long, it would be a bit tricky to get everyone to realize that my name's changed, and I'd of course have to undergo the embarrassment of telling everyone that we're divorced. I swear it would all be easier if I was an accountant in a small office or something, instead of a person with hundreds of students and numerous contacts as well.

I used to work with a woman who got divorced from her H, but none of us figured it out for a couple of years. She kept her name the same. Her H just stopped showing up at staff functions. I have a lot of admiration for her ability to keep her marital breakdown to herself. But, she also had been teaching for 20+ years and had kids, so changing her name was not in the cards for her.

So, after all my musings, ladies who are divorced,
a) did you change your name after the divorce?
b) if yes, why?
c) if no, why not?

And guys,
d) how much would it matter to you if you met a woman who was still using her ex-H's surname?

Jen

I have kids, so I won't change back.
For work, I've always used both my maiden name and my married name (unhypenated).

You may want to try this for a while as a transition, then drop the Brown when you are ready.

Jen Old Name Brown

I did not change back to my maiden name because I had - this married name for half of my life pratically and I also had young children - but if I didn't have children I probably would have changed it in a heartbeat....

I never used my married name, so I didn't have to change back to my maiden name.

I don't think you need to worry about having the kids call you by a new name. If you were single, got married, and took your H's name they'd have to learn a new name for you, and they'd manage.

I am newly divorced and didn't change my name back to my maiden name. For I talked to my kids, and to keep the same name as my kids, was wanted. Therefore, when they are all grown, I will relate this name to my children, for if I hadn't married the X I would of not had these great 4 children that I have.

Now if I didn't have children, I would of changed my name back. For this is another trigger that we have in our eyes.

I would change my name back to your maiden name, or do like newly stated, have both names made legal. And then when it comes time to you wanting to drop one name, you can do it. The only thing now, is it costs approximately here, about $500 to change your name.

If there is no connection with the man, other than a short term marriage, I wouldn't have any desire to keep his name, and would want to start over fresh with my God given name by my parents and God.

From a guys perspective it would strike me as awkward if I dated someone with their Previous Husband's last name.

The biggest questions I would have about that would be- Are there any attachments left? And if so, why haven't they been severed?

I think it's hard enough for someone who hasn't been M to get over the other person being D and the Previous's last name would just add to the confusion.

Being as close to the original "never been married" stage as possible would make me more comfortable with the person.

Hi Jen,
I STILL use my exH's last name for all my business. We divorced in '95, I remarried in 2000. I came up in my industry with his last name, so I am known by this name. To change it would be very complicated, and I fear I would loose distant contacts.

For all my personal stuff; drivers license, bank... I have my current H's last name.

I also like that my hotel reservations are under my current H's name... business people cant look me up, if you know what I mean. I am one of the few females in a totally male dominated industry... so I worry about this.

It was easier decision for me because my exH left the state... so not too many people I know knew him. I think if I were back in my home state, where everyone knew us both, I'd feel that I would want to change it. Most people dont even know it's my exH's name... they assume it's my maiden name. My current H doesnt care because, again, exH is totally out of the picture and thousands of miles away.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />The downside to changing my name is that I am a teacher. It would mean having to make hundreds of students learn to call me by a different name<hr /></blockquote>That would just be for one semester... or a few as people graduted... I bet they'd be fine. I'd tell the rude ones to KMA... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I understand the concern as far as being known carreer wise... I do like having seperate names. Good luck - Dru

Ironically I never got around to having my name legally changed to xh's last name b/c the social security office in TN was way on other side of town. So...

now I hyphenate when with son for school or whatnot. For business and medicine, I am all the original peachy.

I think you should go back to maiden. If I had no child, I would not even consider hyphenation as it is more of an honor to me to carry the last name of a good and decent man and a wonderful father...someone who's name I am proud to have...that of my father.

Plus for a guy I guess it would be creepy to date a girl who kept her x's last name if she didn't have a child. Even the guys I am dating I can get a glimpse of the fact they like calling me by my maiden name better.

Hi Jen - I agree with Eduard.

On balance, I suggest you change your name back. Why have ANY outward connection remaining?

Infact, I suggest that IF you re-marry, keep your name as is - unless the prospect of having children is present which may tip the scales.

WAT

I'm going through a divorce right now and decided not to change back to my maiden name for a couple of reasons.

1.) I've had this name for over 10 years and it belongs to me now.
2.) Professionally it would be difficult. I'm in a Sales field and don't want to confuse my clients.
3.) So much of my life has been turned upside down by this mess. I feel the need for some retain some of my identity.

To go back to my maiden name after over 10 years would cause alot of trauma for me. I'm not the same person I was when I married my husband so why should I take that name back. Some of my friends think it's crazy, but I don't associate my last name with my husband. It's part of my identity now. This past year has been difficult, I lost my husband, my house, my dogs and my job earlier in the year. I need some things in my life to be stable.

This was a decision I didn't have to really think about at all. It just seemed right. I think each person has different feelings about it.

It seems like you are leaning towards "not" changing your name back Jen?

I know this is probably of little interest, but if I remain married or if WW goes through with the D, I'll probably change my last name.

There are a few here who know why.

I know a woman who kept her exH's last name for the kids. What I find troubling is that so many people would be troubled by a date/mate who kept their exH's last name and was cordial with their exH.

I'm more troubled by the thought of a woman who harbors hate and resentment for an exH, as what would that person feel about me if they were unhappy with me.

Let go of that anger and resentment...

Tony

[ February 09, 2004, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]

OK, Tony, you got me curious... So no matter what happens, you are changing your last name? Did you not like it before? So even if you remain married, your last name will be different than your wife's and d's?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I'm more troubled by the thought of a woman who harbors hate and resentment for an exH <hr /></blockquote>I dont know... I harbor some pretty righteous resentment towards my exH. I'm pretty comfortable holding on to it, too. Now, I dont project this onto people I meet; most wouldn't know I was previously married, if they didnt ask me outright. But it's there...

Now I would run screaming from a date who was still obsessing about an exS. A person like that is clearly not over the D yet, and needs some time. I'd be worried about a 're-bound type relationship' in that situation. - Dru

No,

WW expressed an interest in changing her name. Seems she is going to change it via a divorce, probably for our DD as well.

I was considering taking my grandmother's maiden name, as it is not considered offensive, like some take my last name.

Tony

[ February 09, 2004, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Jen Brown:

And guys,
d) how much would it matter to you if you met a woman who was still using her ex-H's surname?

<hr /></blockquote>I hate to drag out an old cliche', but what's in a name?

I work in a business (radio) where people often go by assumed or "stage" names for various reasons. Most of the women I know have assumed a different last name so that weirdos and stalkers can't look them up in the phone book!

A surname (in my experience) doesn't matter so much because a name isn't who you ARE, its just a label.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by troubled1:
 1.) I've had this name for over 10 years and it belongs to me now.

3.) So much of my life has been turned upside down by this mess. I feel the need for some retain some of my identity.

To go back to my maiden name after over 10 years would cause alot of trauma for me. I'm not the same person I was when I married my husband so why should I take that name back. Some of my friends think it's crazy, but I don't associate my last name with my husband. It's part of my identity now.

This was a decision I didn't have to really think about at all. It just seemed right. I think each person has different feelings about it.

<hr /></blockquote>I agree with troubled1 exactly! That's how I feel too. I don't have kids, so that didn't play into it.

But I'm not the same person I was when I carried my maiden name. I'm me, growing, changing, evoloving....and my married name has become part of who I am. I also don't really associate it with my x-H. It's was my name for a long time and I'm not afraid of it.

Do what feels right to you...if someone else has thinks it's crazy, that's THERE problem.

My children were 5 and 7 when their dad and I divorced. I did not change my name at the time. My only name option, other than his, was my maiden name and I did not like my maiden name. Plus, I had real issues with my father's family.

Enter the woman who became wife #2. Just before doofus married her, I up and changed my last name. Had to have a separate court order. The atty, a friend, did it at cost. It was the best $300 ever spent on a legal matter.

But, my mom didn't want me to use her maiden name. She was afraid someone would think I was an illegitimate baby. So, I am not Bond, Jane-Elise Bond.

But my father and grandfather had the same middle name. My son has that middle name. It is my nephew's first name and would have been my brother's name had he not died in utero.

Therefore, I am Jane-Elise Thomas. I used my former maiden name as my middle name and hyphenated my first and middle names on my original birth certificate together to legally create the name I had been using for my first name for 20 years.

And, because I did it the right way, the Vital Records people ammended my birth certificate.

So, I got to completely rename myself.

The first man I dated after my divorce thought this desire to change my name was a bit strange. I don't know that he was used to women who had opinions and could think for themselves.

The Diplomat, however, told me before I changed the name, that he thought I should never consider marrying a man who would expect me to change my name. I spent 5 years working up the courage to change my name. It is my name. Thought out carefully. Given utmost consideration. Mine and mine alone. Chosen by me. Not by anyone else.

Java, can your wife change daughter's name without your permission if she is a minor child and you are legally recognized as her father and have active role in her life, are paying child support, and - hopefully - have joint custody?

I never considered a name change for my children. I did discuss the name change with them and told them that it did not affect who I am and how much I love them. We have discussed the fact that the name is a label and that, when they are legal adults, they can change their names without anyone's permission. Until then, they either keep the names they have or have to get their father's permission. But they have no issues with their names. And I am glad.

Cinderella,

I would agree with WW to change my daughters last name to the same as my new last name. We almost gave her that last name at birth.

Tony

oh, ok.

I am returning to using my maiden name. To me this symbolizes my freedom from my spouse and a return to hopefully a better place in my life.
I do have children, but they are teens so they don't need that connection of "names" to feel secure in our relationship. We also have had several friends in our lives over the years that kept their maiden names in marriage, so they are familiar with kids and mom having a different name.

I really want that break from my spouse and cannot begin to imagine having his name attached to mine ever again.

I'm not changing my name back ---

But the kids have mentioned just all getting a 'new name' --- so one of them during our major big brainstorming sessions of what name to take suggested the last name "Uary" which I personally think would be fun - exciting - and very unusual... Which suits me just fine.

Jan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I to had my exh's name for 1/2 of my life. It was a hard decision for me to make but in the end I took back my maiden name. It brought closure to the end of my marriage. I feel I am now me again. I do have children and they could care less. They told me that most of their friends parents have different last names. I am still called Mrs So-in So, but I just correct them and move on. Just like in my marriage. I am divorced and moving on!

[ February 10, 2004, 05:41 AM: Message edited by: Bladybug ]

I have taken my maiden name back at the divorce in November. It is already legal with the court but I cant have bank accounts changed until I have that piece of paper from social scurity so I am in limbo until I get my final divorce papers and they are taking longgggggggggg

I am anxious to get it over with. I had such a long difficult marriage..26 years of cris after crisis and a river of tears. I want my name back. That was never me, depressed and crying. I am happy now and want the name that goes with that happiness..the real me.

BTY..my daughter wanted to change her name along with mine, she wants to make that break from her father, but I pointed out that in a few years she would be able to change it through marriage anyway.

Jen.....it is taking so long for the divorce process that by the time you get it all officially done with anyway, it will be summer and you can change your name before you get that whole new se of students in the fall

Java, how bad is your last name??????LOL
Java...

Thank-you so very much everyone who has shared their story and their motivations for changing or not changning their names. Even if some people feel that a name is just a label, it does, in my opinion, have an impact on our identity and self-esteem.

I am leaning towards changing my name AFTER this school year comes to an end. I have a feeling though that if I do change it back to my maiden name, that I will likely never change it again. It's kind of rediculous really that a man can marry and divorce and his name remains intact, but if a woman marries and/or divorces her name becomes an issue.

Jen

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by sunrise1:
 Java, how bad is your last name??????LOL
Java... <hr /></blockquote>Let's just say one of the (slang) definitions for my name is a sexual term.

Nashville, TN had a mayor that shared my last name...

Tony

All this name talk reminds me of that old joke about the guy who went before a judge to have his name changed:

Guy: Judge, I want to change my name.

Judge: OK, what's your name now?

Guy: Joe D***licker

Judge: Well, Joe, I can certainly understand why you want to change your name. What name to you want to change it to?

Guy: Mike

why limit yourself to maiden or married name? I would give up the married name, no kids, short marriage, little reason to keep a name under such circumstances and lots of reasons not to. But now you have a opportunity (not that one can't do so whenever they choose) to redefine yourself, and literaly choose any name you want....

I am male, and always envied the opportunity women have to change names (funny how each gender sees things differently huh). I personally really like the powerful concept of literally choosing ones name for specific reasons, not just have a name given to you by custom re parentage or marriage. Maybe that is the solution, contemplate for a period of time who jen really is, and maybe pick a name reflective of that identity.

I must say, and perhaps I am still a bit resentful, but I would want my ex to change her last name if we didn't have children. I am proud of my last name, although it is nothing special. It represents my family and our values. It has a good recognition in the community where I grew up, although it has nothing other than me in the current location we live in.

However, for my children's sake, I would not want her to change, at least if she didn't. She chose not to change and I think it is easier on my boys. She is also a teacher, and would have to answer several questions from students.

But if we didn't have children, I think that I would have asked to have her change it as part of our divorce settlement. She disregarded me, my life, my values, and her vow to them. I don't believe that she should be able to keep the 'perception' even unbeknownst, of anything remotely attached to who I am. I have worked hard as a man of dignity and honor, and realistically, she doesn't deserve any connection what-so-ever. Yes, perhaps this is resentment, but it is real and true.

I don't particularly want anyone running around saying "Oh... THAT is the woman who cheated on Dr. X. Why is she drunk and dancing on the table?"

Yep... still have a way to go...

I think as far as the Guys get to keep the same last name married or divorce is a curious thing.

For me, when two people get married and come under one name it symbolizes the Man and Women becoming one flesh, one identity.

And thinking bibilically, it probably has to do with the man being the head of household as to why he gets to keep his last name regardless.

All of the negative things and changes that accompany D are difficult for a reason.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Eduard:
 I think as far as the Guys get to keep the same last name married or divorce is a curious thing.

For me, when two people get married and come under one name it symbolizes the Man and Women becoming one flesh, one identity.

And thinking bibilically, it probably has to do with the man being the head of household as to why he gets to keep his last name regardless.<hr /></blockquote>I don't think people had last names in Biblical times. I think they were distinguished by being referred to as "son of" (don't know about "daughter of", other than in Russian). Eventually many of the patronymics evolved into last names, like "Ben Gurion", "Mac Leod", "O'Neal", etc, but they weren't the only source of last names. many last names derived from place names, like "Ford" or personal characteristics, like "Barbarossa".

So I can't see how the custom of a woman taking her husband's name can be considered "Biblical". One can just as easily say that a husband ought to take the wife's name since the man is the one who is commanded to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. (Three times-once by Moses, if you believe Moses wrote the book of Genesis, once by Jesus, and once by Paul. You might almost think God was serious about this.)

Right now I would see my W changing her name as another blow to me but it shouldn't matter other than for the sake of the kids.

I don't feel that they should ever have the need to explain why they have a different name than their mother.

My W is taking back her old name as some sort of self-identity thing. When she told me, it seemed like it was kind of a "you go girl"/girlpower thing. With no kids, I don't really care and I almost want me name back.