I am so upset, crying, my x just walked into my house, &mydaughter getting married... - 10/08/04 07:17 AM
Long venting post. I am so deeply upset and tender. I just need to be peeled off the ceiling. I am so fed up and frustrated.
I am having a difficult time adjusting to the fact my x will be at my daughter wedding in 3 days. My divorce wounds are so fresh. Why does he have to be there.
I don't want to ever see or hear from him again. This is my right and what my divorce stands for forever out of my life.
He has inflicted such irrepairable damage and harm.
All day I have been using all my frustrated and stressed out energy channeled in cleaning out the tool shed,cleaning the deck, hauling garbage, cleaning the gazebo, clearing out the garage, up on the roof cleaning out the eves.
Frustrated each time at the amount of work the x left behind. However, I told my self I am cleansing myself our family of his chaos. But has memories should have it-
I purposely opened my heart and remembered today all the good times we had in our home, yard and pleasant times of working well together. I just let that grief happen.
Next thing I knew I worked uptil supper time, and became a little overwhelmed at the thought of my daughter getting married in three days, our flight that I must attend. My heart then dropped to the floor at the prospect of having to see my x at her wedding. My mind went through a hundred scenes. Preparing, my exit, staying for the ceremony, then calling a cab.
I had so much anxiety that I had to go to bed and pass out for a few hours. It was unbearable.
My mother the day before was horribly cruel to me and seems like she is married to my x- they think the same, act the same. When my x does cruel horrible things, my mother acts up the same way, on the same day. Oh she was so insensitive, I told her what if x brings his ow to my daughter wedding then what. Mother replys in a very nasty tone so what if he does, get over it, don't be so selfish.
I thought at that very moment my own mother betrays me, and faced for the very first time she is depraved and my x. She was so cold, rude, and huffed out of my house in such a haughty manner.
I haven't seen my x for months and am much happier. In August, my x sent a devastating email to our children, which he didn't obviously write but style seemed written by the ow. Titled "Our Relationship", which he cc to his other playboy depraved brothers, ow and her friend.
The letter was introducing his new ow, her daughter and went on and on about them. How happy he was, how she met his need for love and affection. Basically, the entire letter went on about her young daughter heart needing to be protected, and cared for. Basically, stating if my children didn't include ow, her daughter their relationship would be over in certain words. Using terms that God has used him to be their father, praying that they would accept his new woman, etc...
The letter sent such shock waves to my daughter at his lies, rejection. She wrote him a straight from the hip letter of reality, confronting him on his hypocrisy, his alcholism, his years of abandonment, neglect and that she had never experinced his love, protection.
Long story here was she was devastated to be replaced. I contacted Dr. Harley and faxed him the copy of letter. He was in total agreement with my daughter view, my x is utter hypocrite, disrespectful to our children. The letter was really about x rejecting our children. We had an excellent session as I updated him, x was on woman number 8 and preying for awhile on vunerable, single moms to reanact our marital family drama. And of course since these women have kids, he can be at the bars hunting down other prey.
Long story short. Dr. Harely and I agreed that it is in my best interest and children not to have any contact with him because of his depravity, wanting to drag our kids into his pit.
But especially what he did to me harm me, and used our sessions to manipulate us, and use MB to get into other womens panties.
So I pass out in pain overload, my son calls he takes a cab over to pick up his clothes for the wedding. I wake up in a daze and pain in my heart. I don't want to be around him
My son and his father are driving to the coast. As I am weepy at the kitchen and I asked if my son was going over to his fathers. He said yes, he would be getting a ride from a friend.
I felt crestfallen and said how can you just go over there. As I was standing over the sink the door bell rang, and I thought it was my son friend. The door opens wide and my x comes into the living room saying hi and being friendly.
I walked up to him, and said in a very polite calm tone, what are you doing in my house? What are you doing talking to me? He was acting like normal as if nothing ever had happened. He apolized for coming in, said he wanted to help our son get his clothes. Said basically we were to have good relations at our daughter wedding.
I on the otherhand said to him, I had read his letter to our children and contacted Dr. Harley, faxed his letter to him.
I said what are you doing? You have caused such harm and devastation.
Dr. Harley reviewed your letter and it is apparant that you are a hypocrite, rejecting our children. Why are you bothering coming to our daughter wedding when you don't stand for anything but adultery. The letter you wrote to them, the harm. What is wrong with you that you have no conscience or cannot feel. You do not even have the capacity to love. Why are you coming.
He said that he wants to be there because he was invited, and that he has a connection with our daughter. Said maybe I don't have the capcity to love. But we mustn't make any scenes at her wedding I agreed. I said I won;t speak to you ever again.
All your anti marriage, anti love why are you bothering coming. Why don't you stay at home with ow.
We were not arguing- just speaking very softly. I was in no mood and disarmed.
I said to him, what are you even doing speaking to me. You are never, never, ever permitted to see or speak to me ever again. You deceived me with your secret life knowing full well I would give you a divorce so easily and you used the divorce to bring us all into ruin.
He's says back to me as if nothing had ever gone wrong. I don't care what Dr. Harley has to say, he doesn't mean a thing to me. Big deal. I said how can you say, over 8 accounts of adultery means nothing. He reply's look what you have done to me.
Then to make matters very worst and uncomfortable he is just staring at my breasts and zoning into my body almost mentally trying to undress me. I know that old feeling. I felt so odd, stood my ground and he is just standing there grinning at me.
Ignoring what I am saying but doing a body scan checking me out staring at my feet and up to my breast. I kept changing my body postures to deflect his attentions, to a formal stance, how dare he. I felt so terribly uncomfortable.
I thought what nerve on his part, to do so. He has his ow and he should be satisfied totally with her and his bar pickups. I guess that what depravity does, it's uncontrolable. Perhaps, I was the first female he had seen if 10 minutes.
I felt so uncomfortable, what nerve and how dare he. I said what is wrong with you, in that you won't even go an get an assessment. I said is it all the cocaine or what. Look at what you have done. It is our daughter wedding and you have nothing to provide her. Look at our life at this moment this is the stage we needed to help our children especially when your parents and my parents have been always so gengerous to help us. You turn around and do this.
He calmly like nothing happened walks out the door. My son comes up the stairs and I said how can you all behave this way as if nothing is wrong, or a big deal. My son says I love you mom, and I tell him I love him very much. I said after what all of you have put me through, I said I just want to run away. I am God's daughter and you have all turned away from Him.
It was such a strange evening everything seemed so surreal. It was like our family dynamics were the same, such a normal feeling and atmosphere, a strange odd peace over took our home. I don't know how to describe it and yet so terribly out of whack.
I closed the door as my son got into the truck with his dad. I started to cry and cry. It's all to much. I can't believe my x just came into the house as if it were all our old times. Was it that I had a day of memories, and permitted my self to feel once what was good.
Oh I feel so terribly sad, I don't want to go the wedding at all. I know I must sit through the brokeness and shattered dream of a marriage, family that once was but will be a shadow for a moment. I know I will not say anything, I am just hurting so much. I don't want to go to my daughter wedding with my x there.
I know I know it's my daughter day. I am so happy for her. Maybe the trigger here is that our 24 annivesary is exactly a month away. It's all to soon. I was prepared to handle these wedding in years to come. I could see my self scar tissue and feeling nothing. Not even acknowledging my x.
Why am I crying, and crying. Did I make a mistake in permitting my self to open my heart and quietly relieve the warm and good times. It was just private grief that involved me and God. Of what was once and good. And wam my x is in my house. What's that???
I have put up such strong walls and barriers around my heart. Was it that I permitted myself to soften my heart. I don't have that love anylonger for my x- but it the soft spots got touched. Perhaps I am feeling this way since I was tired and had little armor on. I would have been prepared otherwise, the memories in the yard were so strong.
I can't stop crying it all hurts so much. I thought I was home free never ever to see him or hear from him again. I am just crying and crying so more. What is my family doing. I just hurt and ache. I have been crying and weeping for 3 hours. Am I healing, or what wrong.
I just don't want to be in the same room with my x. It's over, finished, a bit more grieving then I should feel absolutely nothing.
How can my children be so insensitive, how can they act as if nothing has happened.
Oh I am feeling so blue. Maybe this evening was an accident. Maybe I should be grateful x is taking my son and not bringing his ow with him in tow.
I am so confused and crying. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
What if I cry throughout the wedding, my emotions now are unzipped. Perhaps, I will have to compose my self. It's just all so soon.
Oh what happened to day. Why did it all seem so normal and how it used to be.
It,s just hurts, it hurts so much. I don't know why this happened. Usually, my x has waited in his vechile for our kids outside, which works quite well. But to come in to my house ohhhhhhhh
weddings, childbirth.
Divorce really is never over is it. I wish I could fly away from it all.
I am so sad.
I am having a difficult time adjusting to the fact my x will be at my daughter wedding in 3 days. My divorce wounds are so fresh. Why does he have to be there.
I don't want to ever see or hear from him again. This is my right and what my divorce stands for forever out of my life.
He has inflicted such irrepairable damage and harm.
All day I have been using all my frustrated and stressed out energy channeled in cleaning out the tool shed,cleaning the deck, hauling garbage, cleaning the gazebo, clearing out the garage, up on the roof cleaning out the eves.
Frustrated each time at the amount of work the x left behind. However, I told my self I am cleansing myself our family of his chaos. But has memories should have it-
I purposely opened my heart and remembered today all the good times we had in our home, yard and pleasant times of working well together. I just let that grief happen.
Next thing I knew I worked uptil supper time, and became a little overwhelmed at the thought of my daughter getting married in three days, our flight that I must attend. My heart then dropped to the floor at the prospect of having to see my x at her wedding. My mind went through a hundred scenes. Preparing, my exit, staying for the ceremony, then calling a cab.
I had so much anxiety that I had to go to bed and pass out for a few hours. It was unbearable.
My mother the day before was horribly cruel to me and seems like she is married to my x- they think the same, act the same. When my x does cruel horrible things, my mother acts up the same way, on the same day. Oh she was so insensitive, I told her what if x brings his ow to my daughter wedding then what. Mother replys in a very nasty tone so what if he does, get over it, don't be so selfish.
I thought at that very moment my own mother betrays me, and faced for the very first time she is depraved and my x. She was so cold, rude, and huffed out of my house in such a haughty manner.
I haven't seen my x for months and am much happier. In August, my x sent a devastating email to our children, which he didn't obviously write but style seemed written by the ow. Titled "Our Relationship", which he cc to his other playboy depraved brothers, ow and her friend.
The letter was introducing his new ow, her daughter and went on and on about them. How happy he was, how she met his need for love and affection. Basically, the entire letter went on about her young daughter heart needing to be protected, and cared for. Basically, stating if my children didn't include ow, her daughter their relationship would be over in certain words. Using terms that God has used him to be their father, praying that they would accept his new woman, etc...
The letter sent such shock waves to my daughter at his lies, rejection. She wrote him a straight from the hip letter of reality, confronting him on his hypocrisy, his alcholism, his years of abandonment, neglect and that she had never experinced his love, protection.
Long story here was she was devastated to be replaced. I contacted Dr. Harley and faxed him the copy of letter. He was in total agreement with my daughter view, my x is utter hypocrite, disrespectful to our children. The letter was really about x rejecting our children. We had an excellent session as I updated him, x was on woman number 8 and preying for awhile on vunerable, single moms to reanact our marital family drama. And of course since these women have kids, he can be at the bars hunting down other prey.
Long story short. Dr. Harely and I agreed that it is in my best interest and children not to have any contact with him because of his depravity, wanting to drag our kids into his pit.
But especially what he did to me harm me, and used our sessions to manipulate us, and use MB to get into other womens panties.
So I pass out in pain overload, my son calls he takes a cab over to pick up his clothes for the wedding. I wake up in a daze and pain in my heart. I don't want to be around him
My son and his father are driving to the coast. As I am weepy at the kitchen and I asked if my son was going over to his fathers. He said yes, he would be getting a ride from a friend.
I felt crestfallen and said how can you just go over there. As I was standing over the sink the door bell rang, and I thought it was my son friend. The door opens wide and my x comes into the living room saying hi and being friendly.
I walked up to him, and said in a very polite calm tone, what are you doing in my house? What are you doing talking to me? He was acting like normal as if nothing ever had happened. He apolized for coming in, said he wanted to help our son get his clothes. Said basically we were to have good relations at our daughter wedding.
I on the otherhand said to him, I had read his letter to our children and contacted Dr. Harley, faxed his letter to him.
I said what are you doing? You have caused such harm and devastation.
Dr. Harley reviewed your letter and it is apparant that you are a hypocrite, rejecting our children. Why are you bothering coming to our daughter wedding when you don't stand for anything but adultery. The letter you wrote to them, the harm. What is wrong with you that you have no conscience or cannot feel. You do not even have the capacity to love. Why are you coming.
He said that he wants to be there because he was invited, and that he has a connection with our daughter. Said maybe I don't have the capcity to love. But we mustn't make any scenes at her wedding I agreed. I said I won;t speak to you ever again.
All your anti marriage, anti love why are you bothering coming. Why don't you stay at home with ow.
We were not arguing- just speaking very softly. I was in no mood and disarmed.
I said to him, what are you even doing speaking to me. You are never, never, ever permitted to see or speak to me ever again. You deceived me with your secret life knowing full well I would give you a divorce so easily and you used the divorce to bring us all into ruin.
He's says back to me as if nothing had ever gone wrong. I don't care what Dr. Harley has to say, he doesn't mean a thing to me. Big deal. I said how can you say, over 8 accounts of adultery means nothing. He reply's look what you have done to me.
Then to make matters very worst and uncomfortable he is just staring at my breasts and zoning into my body almost mentally trying to undress me. I know that old feeling. I felt so odd, stood my ground and he is just standing there grinning at me.
Ignoring what I am saying but doing a body scan checking me out staring at my feet and up to my breast. I kept changing my body postures to deflect his attentions, to a formal stance, how dare he. I felt so terribly uncomfortable.
I thought what nerve on his part, to do so. He has his ow and he should be satisfied totally with her and his bar pickups. I guess that what depravity does, it's uncontrolable. Perhaps, I was the first female he had seen if 10 minutes.
I felt so uncomfortable, what nerve and how dare he. I said what is wrong with you, in that you won't even go an get an assessment. I said is it all the cocaine or what. Look at what you have done. It is our daughter wedding and you have nothing to provide her. Look at our life at this moment this is the stage we needed to help our children especially when your parents and my parents have been always so gengerous to help us. You turn around and do this.
He calmly like nothing happened walks out the door. My son comes up the stairs and I said how can you all behave this way as if nothing is wrong, or a big deal. My son says I love you mom, and I tell him I love him very much. I said after what all of you have put me through, I said I just want to run away. I am God's daughter and you have all turned away from Him.
It was such a strange evening everything seemed so surreal. It was like our family dynamics were the same, such a normal feeling and atmosphere, a strange odd peace over took our home. I don't know how to describe it and yet so terribly out of whack.
I closed the door as my son got into the truck with his dad. I started to cry and cry. It's all to much. I can't believe my x just came into the house as if it were all our old times. Was it that I had a day of memories, and permitted my self to feel once what was good.
Oh I feel so terribly sad, I don't want to go the wedding at all. I know I must sit through the brokeness and shattered dream of a marriage, family that once was but will be a shadow for a moment. I know I will not say anything, I am just hurting so much. I don't want to go to my daughter wedding with my x there.
I know I know it's my daughter day. I am so happy for her. Maybe the trigger here is that our 24 annivesary is exactly a month away. It's all to soon. I was prepared to handle these wedding in years to come. I could see my self scar tissue and feeling nothing. Not even acknowledging my x.
Why am I crying, and crying. Did I make a mistake in permitting my self to open my heart and quietly relieve the warm and good times. It was just private grief that involved me and God. Of what was once and good. And wam my x is in my house. What's that???
I have put up such strong walls and barriers around my heart. Was it that I permitted myself to soften my heart. I don't have that love anylonger for my x- but it the soft spots got touched. Perhaps I am feeling this way since I was tired and had little armor on. I would have been prepared otherwise, the memories in the yard were so strong.
I can't stop crying it all hurts so much. I thought I was home free never ever to see him or hear from him again. I am just crying and crying so more. What is my family doing. I just hurt and ache. I have been crying and weeping for 3 hours. Am I healing, or what wrong.
I just don't want to be in the same room with my x. It's over, finished, a bit more grieving then I should feel absolutely nothing.
How can my children be so insensitive, how can they act as if nothing has happened.
Oh I am feeling so blue. Maybe this evening was an accident. Maybe I should be grateful x is taking my son and not bringing his ow with him in tow.
I am so confused and crying. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
What if I cry throughout the wedding, my emotions now are unzipped. Perhaps, I will have to compose my self. It's just all so soon.
Oh what happened to day. Why did it all seem so normal and how it used to be.
It,s just hurts, it hurts so much. I don't know why this happened. Usually, my x has waited in his vechile for our kids outside, which works quite well. But to come in to my house ohhhhhhhh
weddings, childbirth.
Divorce really is never over is it. I wish I could fly away from it all.
I am so sad.