I'm new to this site. I've been searching through all the posts for a similar situation but I haven't found one yet.

My story is:
Just over 20 years ago, my H had a brief A while I was pregnant with our first child. I always had suspected but H did not confess until several years later. By then, we had another child and had moved on. The confession just served as confimation of what I had known deep in my heart. What I didn't know is that the XOW had gotten pregnant. She was living with her BF so the chances were 50/50. H told me that he had offered to pay for an abortion but other than that he was done. She married the BF and we never heard from them again.... until this past summer.
She had found H at Classmates dot com and started contacting him, innocently at first. She kept saying she didn't want anything but she wanted him to claim OC and relieve her of her guilt for lying to OC for his entire life. H said no, he would not do that. I told him she wouldn't rest until the OC knew and sure enough, she told him in Dec. He got my daughter's name from XOW, (she remembered it because my daughter was born 6 mths before OC) and found her online and started emailing her. He also sent H an email. I understand that he is curious and wants to know but XOW knew that my kids didn't know anything about this. My H just left for a year long assignment and we are trying to deal with this along with him being gone.
Another thing I'm dealing with is that I never had a D-D so to speak and now this is dredging up old hurts and betrayals that have long been gone. XOW has never apologized for the A, for contacting my H or for turning my family's life upside down. She said the only thing that matters is OC knows the truth. OC is pursuing relationships with my children, one is receptive and one needs more time. H needs more time. OC says he's not expecting H to be a Dad but he gets antsy when his emails aren't replied to and emails even more. We've only known that he knows since Jan 1 (Happy New Year's to me) Thank God I'm overseas or he might have just shown up on the doorstep.
Thank you for letting me spill my guts. It's just been a shock after such a long time.

Welcome to MB. I am sorry for what you are dealing with and that your children are having to deal with. Without DNA confirmation how can OW claim that OC belongs to your H?

The XOW dug up an old yearbook photo and is using that for reference. My H is not wanting to take a paternity test at this time, besides he is unable because of his location. At this time, he is not interested in getting to know this OC. I'm upset because the way the XOW gave out info on my daughter without our knowledge and he tracked her down on the internet. It should have been up to my H to divulge any additional family info only after contact had been made between him and OC and when he felt it appropriate. I am of the mind that nothing is proven yet but XOW says it is the truth and OC deserves the truth. Horse hockey! They are acting as if it is fact (even though she tells me she just told him H "might" be his father). OC sure is acting like he knows it to be true. I'm just at a loss at the moment.

OW is one sicko IMHO. Also IMHO, you should tell her, better yet, write her (document phone calls, e-mails etc) that you want no further C from her. She had NO business involving your children, that was for you take care of if you so chose. OW's not dealing with a full deck and from what you've indicated in your first poat, OC may have some problems also. What OW has done is criminal to you and criminal to her son. What in the world do grown adult think - - or better yet they don't.

I've said it before and I'm sticking with it, OW in many, many cases (the majority) have developmentally arrested in their early 20's and haven't progressed down the path we call life, learning from our mistakes and realizing that our actions do affect other individuals.

If you want no further C with OC, you have a right to do that also. I would explain to OC and to your children that paternity hasn't been esbalished and at this time you're not able to get that done and you feel it would be best (if that's what you and H have decided) that you won't have further C until paternity is established.

At first opportunity, it would be in your best interest to have paternity established. Then you know once and for all and can then make informed choices as to how you want to deal with OC or if you want to establish a relationship with OC.

I'm sorry for your nightmare.

I just have to say a big thank you. I've felt so alone the last couple of weeks. I only have male friends here and they just couldn't begin to completely understand. I did write XOW but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to post about it. She is off her rocker and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks so. It's my bedtime and the "sleep enhancer" is kicking in.

I'm sorry for your pain. While I totally agree Xow should've handled this a better way, I don't think it's unusual what's happening.

It seems about half of people who don't know a biological parent (for any reason: adoption, adultery, sperm donor, etc) are intensely curious to find them. Again, that doesn't justify the way she went about this, but it's easier for her to foist this boy's curiousity off on you guys than keep fending his questions.

My uncle fathered 2 OC by two different women over 30y ago. One of them never contacted the family. The other one at 18 contacted my cousins, her half-sibs, at their school one day!! They'd no idea she existed. As my uncle was dead by then, she called my father, who had several meetings with her and showed her some photos. Then she faded away.

You can't put the skeleton back in the closet, but you can make new boundaries and ask them to respect them. OC is old enough to understand that adultery hurts. Have you tried telling them you need space or time? Does OC know your DH might not even be the bio-dad?!

Can you see a counselor there? That can really help support you, your kids, help you communicate appropriate boundaries to XOW and OC, and how to rebuild with your DH after his admission. Please read the marriagebuilder concepts free at this site---they're really good, and you could do the questionaires w/your H even while he's gone.

Best wishes,
J
in recovery 7y and glad I stayed

[color:"blue"] I told my husband that I was so torn on this issue because of the simple fact that the OC is just curious and I totally understand that but on the other hand, they need to respect us and understand that it takes some getting used to.

I wrote the xOW and told her she handled this badly and she still doesn't see what she did wrong. According to her, she was only telling OC the truth and that's all that matters. No consideration for anyone else, even the OC. This is the 3rd person he's been told was his father. He seems to be swallowing it hook, line and sinker. If I was the OC, I would want some sort of proof by now. xOW's 2nd H adopted the OC and when he found out at about age 8, she then told him that 1st H was his real father, I guess because his name's on the birth certificate? I don't really know or care. xOW doesn't really have any info to tell OC because it was a very brief A. xOW only knows what little H had in his profile on Classmates.

My next agenda is to get my H to take a P test. At this point, he doesn't want to. I don't think I can move on until it is settled. From what I understand, at this point he is not liable for any support, etc. I think he's just afraid to see it in black and white. He's said that he feels fairly certain that it is his but I just don't understand the reluctance to know for sure. If OC isn't his then we can tell them to go away and if he is, then we - not them - can decide how to proceed. Until then, OC is operating on the assumption that it is fact and actively pursuing and communicating with my children. When my DD doesn't respond right away OC becomes even more persistant and thinks she's mad at him. Give me a break. OC does not understand what the words patience and BACK OFF mean. Now my H has to try and figure out a way to call from where he is and tell him chill out.

A question about the P test. Is it unreasonable for us to insist on one and that the xOW pay for it since she is the one making the claim? My H is not able to do the usual buccal swab because of his location but I did locate a lab that will do it by hair analysis. I told him he needs to tell xOW that he wants one (at her expense) or he will consider the matter settled and to never have any C with us again. [/color]

I say don't squabble over a few hundred dollars for a Paternity test. Your H needs to get his head out of the sand and have the testing done. It's not fair for you, your children and OC to wonder. If the OC isn't your H's, you're out a couple hundred dollars, big deal. Peace of mind is worth lots more than that.

I also say, tell XOW what you need to and stop C with her completely. She's not playing with a full deck if she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Just told the truth to OC, my [censored]. You're not going to convince somebody like that any different. I wouldn't engage her any longer period.

OC is an adult and you can deal directly with him with the paternity test.

DL,
It is NOT unreasonable to insist on a test! It is HIGHLY unlikely Xow will pay for it; you might try to talk her into halves, but don't hold your breath.

Honestly, I would not rely on a hair analysis, because it is my understanding they are not as reliable as DNA, but I could be mistaken. Given how many she's named as father, I'd want DNA.

These people (xow and OC) sound very NEEDY, insecure and without much thought for others. That makes communicating more difficult. You may have to spell things out in gentle big-bird style for him.

If OC is 19, it seems you could cut xow out of the picture and communicate w/OC only? Just wondering.

J

I don't know how else to get DNA. My H is a soldier and is away for a year and I don't think I can wait that long to know. It is my understanding that the buccal sample needs to be mailed in immediately and that would not be possible from where he is. That's why I was wondering about hair samples.

I have been trying to talk to H all day but he keeps getting interupted. Gee, don't they know I'm in the middle of a crisis here....who cares about the war! Just kidding, but it is frustrating trying to have a conversation. They don't happen often.

DL,
I understand. Mine is active duty military, gone on his second tour of Iraq, and I've also lived overseas.

Hair sample is better than nothing, I 'spose.

My heart goes out to you,
J

Thank you Jenny and everyone else. It's been an intense 2 weeks since H left and then 2 days later the **** hit the fan, so to speak.

I finally got a chance to talk to H. He does not want to do the test. He's afraid it will open another can of worms. I don't know what else it could be but that's his reasoning. I was getting so angry and he could tell. I told him he better figure out what it was that he was going to do because it's not just affecting him. He said he would write OC and tell him that he stands by his decision of NC and tell him NC for our daughter too. I don't know what to do about my son, though. They have been emailing back and forth. It has been very casual so far. H said I was being nosy and I told him that son is always excited and tells me about them and I am not going to crush him and be mean about it. Besides, this way I'll know if things start getting out hand and I need to step in. I could forbid him from C at home but that doesn't stop him from other computers. The last thing I need right now is an angry, rebellious 15 year old.

So far, xOW has respected H's request of NC. That was her excuse for not letting us know she told OC "the truth". I would not be surprised if H hears from her after he sends OC the email.

What's that saying: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I'm strong enough all ready!!!

Why on earth did she "lie to OC his entire life" and then decide to tell him the truth? For 19 years?

Sounds like something our OW will do... ugh.

Peace,
MSA

Just a quick update:

Nothing new to report as of yet. H is still waffling about what to write/do. I've made an appointment to go see the Chaplin tomorrow morning. This is a first for me but I think I need to talk to someone.

I don't know why OW waited 19 years. That's one of the burning questions I have but I don't know if I would ever get a true answer. I wrote one heck of an email to send to OW but I haven't sent it yet. I don't want to start a war but it was helpful just to get it all out of my head.

OC has not contacted my D in several days so maybe he's figured out he needs to give her space. My S continues to email back and forth with OC. S did tell me that if it was a big problem for me (us) that he would stop, he's not that into it yet. I told him that I don't have a problem with OC other than his lack of judgment in emailing them first without permission from H. I understand that he was just excited and curious but he should have waited. I am able to separate OC from OW now. OW is just an issue I still need to work on ~ forgiveness and all that ~

I hope that I'm not way off base here.

In the Military, Adultery is an actionable offense.

Could that be one of the reasons why your H is reluctent to have the test?

I don't know if there are any "statutes of limitations" for this or what the possible actions may be.

The chaplin may be able to answer any questions like that.

Stay Strong!

Walking, that is a good point and sometimes the case.

However, my DH is military and said there is a 5 year statute of limitations for persecuting adultery in his branch. I don't know if that applies to all branches (yes the rules are different).


DL, I'm glad you're seeing someone!!! Advice: write the letter, but DON'T SEND it. Put it away for 6mo and decide later, or burn it. It's best not to do too much when you're still in shock and grief. I find that I share too much when I'm emotional like that... say stuff I'd rather XOW not know, kwim? Put a strong face on for her, but grieve with DH and chaplain or counselor and trusted friend. Journaling, exercise, etc... Sigh. You can't forgive until you condemn. Grief is hard walk but should not be put off.

Just my 2c.
J

The A happened 3 years before my H joined the Army so we aren't worried about that aspect.

"I find that I share too much when I'm emotional like that... say stuff I'd rather XOW not know, kwim?"

That's what my best friend said. She said it was an amazing letter but I would be letting OW how much it was upsetting me and give her too much satisfaction. Besides, I don't know if it would even get through to her. It did help me release some of my pent up anger and emotions. I'm a little nervous about seeing the Chaplin but hopeful too.

We are currently overseas also we're in Okinawa. Anyway since you guys have children together isn't it possible to do the dna test using one of them. I know the local military hospital was ablt to get the dna test kit from the company and they would have to fed ex it back to them. Just a thought.

That's a good thought Cali. I'm sure that could be done. This is the DNA Center we used http://www.dnacenter.com/. They were very easy to work with.

I had thought of the possilbility of having a sibling analysis done, but if my H doesn't want to do it himself, then I feel that would be going against his wishes and I don't want to go down that road and cause other problems.

I was very encouraged by the counseling session. The chaplin said even he could tell I had a better outlook than when I came in.

He explained the normal cycle of grief that people have to work through in traumatic circumstances ~ most of which I've already worked though and that I was now at the point where I wanted to take action and move on and get back on track with my life. It was just a relief to have confirmation that I'm normal...ha ha ha....

He gave some suggestions of how to progress. My H requested I see this particular chaplin because he knew him from our last duty station and has lots of respect for him.
As the chaplin said, he does not give advice but gives several ways that we could proceed. I did schedule another session in a couple of weeks and will take S with me. He's not so keen on the idea but I told him it's not for him, just for him to be with me while I talk. He takes his role as the man of the house very seriously. He may engage in conversation or he may not, it's just to open a door in case he ever wants to talk to someone in the future. He's very much his father's son in his thoughts on counseling and that they don't need that kind of help.

In a nutshell, the chaplin proposed that my H email the OC and tell him he's not able to give the situation his full attention at this time but that he would ask that he attend a minimum of 5 counseling sessions and to have the counselor email a statement on their letterhead that he did attend the sessions. He doesn't need or want to know what's discussed, just that he was willing to do it.
He will also tell him to refrain from any contact with our kids. The chaplin said that by continuing to email with S, that the OC could possibly be using that as a substitute for contact with H and he needs to deal with H and his expectations of what he wants or needs in a relationship with H and contact with the kids will distract from that. H promised he will email this weekend. I already wrote most of the email for him, he just has to edit and personalize it.

If OC refuses to do either of these, then he jeopardizes any further contact. I told H that this way he's not rejecting the OC but not accepting either ~ asking for action from OC in order to move forward at H pace. I guess you could say, putting the ball back in his court. We'll see how serious and committed OC is. If he thinks he's just going to step in and have instant family, then that's something he needs to realize is unrealistic and get help dealing with.

I hope I didn't ramble to much and confuse anyone. I'll keep ya'll posted.

doxie, i am really happy that you are feeling better and now have a game plan for the future.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

Wow, that's really interesting about requiring counseling. What a fascinating idea.

I could relate to lots of your post. Good luck DL.
J

H finally sent the email to the OC yesterday. I hate that I had to resort to "nagging" to get it done.
I also sent him an email Tues to explain how much it was hurting me that he kept promising to do it and then kept putting it off which just totally pissed him off and I got a very ANGRY email back. He did call before bed that night to apologize. That was a huge deposit in my LB. I told him I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings but when he continually makes promises that he doesn't keep, it hurts me deeply.
Now I'm breathing a guarded sigh of relief but another part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have no idea what the OC's reaction will be.

Wow! I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted.

My husband agreed to do the test. I asked him again and told him it was just for me, my peace of mind. So he said yes. I got the test and sent it to him last week. He just got it and mailed the samples back to the lab yesterday. I just have to wait for it to get back to the lab and then there is a 5 day turnaround for the results. It's going to be a long couple of weeks. I won't be surprised if it is a match but I have a tiny little flicker of hope that it won't be. Either way, it will be a hard day to get through.

I've still been going to the Chaplin once a week. I don't know how long I will continue going but I'm not strong enough to stop yet. 2 weeks ago I got a call from DS's school counselor. She was worried about him because he's been skipping lots of classes. The next day I got his report card for the semester and he failed all but 2 classes. Most of the time this covers is from before the current situation with the OC so he can't use that as an excuse. I had a meeting with all his teachers and they are willing to work with him as long as he makes an effort. I'm having a serious chat with him tonight because I'm not seeing alot of follow-through so far. I just got an email from his algebra teacher because he was a no-show for picking up his assignment list.

I just want to cry. I've been in such a funk all week because I've got this on top of the other and I'm just exhausted ~ emotionally, mentally and physically. I gave up yesterday and called for a doctor's appt. I really wanted to get through this without having to resort to taking AD but I might just have to to make it through for the time being. The first available appt is next Wed. I called earlier today to see if there was anyway they could squeeze me in today but no. Oh well.

There's more that I will post about later.

ta ta for now,

doxie,

it is not a failing to need AD's while you are going through this. Take what help you can get and if AD's work for you then i say fantastic.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you on the test front.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

I just need to vent and where better than this group of anonymous people that will have a bit of understanding.

I previously mentioned that we asked the OC to get counseling. That went over like a lead balloon. What 19 year old young man would willingly go? Not many. Anyway, I found out through my DS how he felt. He didn't have the decency to write DH back and tell him but he told DS.

I just got tired of all this worrying about the kids talking so I wrote to him myself. I told him I needed to know about him because his mother had told us very little and if he was going to be in contact with my kids, I needed to know who was. He is a stranger to us, after all. We didn’t even know his full name. We’ve done some emailing back and forth and he seems pretty grounded. I just need to know what he expects.

I called the OC this morning. We had a nice chat, I asked him some things and he told me that he was feeling caught in the middle. He had already told his mom to quit asking him stuff and he would tell her when he was ready to talk. He told me something that has just thrown me off the deep end. He said he didn’t want to hide anything because I had already accused him of being underhanded with how he contacted DD without our knowledge. He didn’t want to upset me but he felt he’d been put in an awkward position and he just wanted to come clean. He told me that my DH had called his mom on a couple of occasions and that he actually talked to him for a few minutes one of the times. It was all I could do know to breakdown right then and there. My DH asked them not to tell me that they had talked to him. I had sent the FOW an email back at the beginning of Jan just flaming her for giving out my DD name and how badly she had handled this, etc. Come to find out, my DH (and by now the D is starting to stand for DEAD husband) called her and warned her that the email was coming.

People, I am just at such a loss on how to take in this information. Here I am trying to take everyone’s feelings into consideration and on top of that deal with my own emotions on the betrayal because frankly, I was deprived of the opportunity to work through this at the time. I didn’t know about the affair for 6 years and when I found out, well, it was old news and I didn’t see the need by then. He was with me and loved me and we had gone on with our lives and were different people, why rehash the past. Just didn’t need to at that time. Now, it’s all fresh and new, like it just happened recently.

Here I am thinking I’m doing a fairly good job getting through this and that how much stronger our marriage is going to be by us working through this together. I’m sure his reasoning will be that he was trying to protect me, knowing how hard a time I’m having but that’s such BULL. I feel betrayed all over again. Why don’t you just take a knife and stab me in the heart. I can’t believe that he would put them in the position to cover something else up when we’re trying to have open communication. Where’s the honesty? How can I trust anything he tells me?

I sent DH an email this morning asking what might be our next course of action if the test comes back a match. I asked will he finally call OC. And then I said, unless of course you already have and didn’t tell me because you thought it might be too hard for me. He had better answer me honestly or I don’t know what I will do. Now I’m getting angry. I woke up at 3:30 and have not been able to go back to sleep. I may just spend the day in bed.

Doxie:

Address it head on. Not good to beat around the bush, then he'll have the comment that you tried to catch him in his lie etc. with your round about way of trying to get him to come clean about the phone calls and try to turn the tide and make it your fault. KWIM?

Don't spend the day in bed. Get yourself out and get a bit of exercise. Good for your mind and body.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 weeks already. Thought I'd give an update.

I'm doing so much better emotionally. I decided that I need to quit obsessing about the situation ~ which is much easier said than done and little by little I finally did. I got very busy at work and that helped. I made a couple of almost very costly errors (I caught them in time) and realized I had to get over it and concentrate. I've been sleeping better and I'm not taking any kind of medicine.

We got the results of the test on Friday. It seems like it took forever. It was a match. I expected that but I just needed the confirmation. I had expected to be upset when I got the email but I wasn't terribly so. My hopes were dashed a little but they were unrealistic so it wasn't devestating like I thought it would be.

I don't know where we will go from here. All the kids are emailing and on friendly terms. I've exchanged a few emails with OC myself. DH said he won't pursue a relationship but would respond if he's contacted.

The xOW has written me a couple of times but I just ignore them. Maybe I should send her a note saying I'm not interested in talking to her and nicely ask her to leave me alone. I don't want or need her "I can only imagine how difficult this is for you" comments and offers to chat. My next challenge is to get to the place where I won't want to rip her head off if I have to be in the same room with her. I don't plan on ever seeing her but you never know.

ta ta for now,

doxilover

Why now? All in God's time. I just posted under new here although I read your story several days ago.

Take care of yourself and God bless.

The day after I posted, on April 5, I received the most horrible news. My daddy has cancer. Not just any cancer but a fairly rare and deadly cancer of the esophagus. It's already stage 4. I've been on the computer everyday since trying to find out all I can. Stage 4 is the highest stage. He sees two oncologists tomorrow so I should learn of the prognosis tomorrow night or Wed morning when I get up. I've decided to move home early instead of waiting here in Germany for my husband to get back from Iraq. I hope to be out of here by June 3. This makes my little situation of a "new" kid pale in comparison. Just needed to share and ask if you'd remember him in prayer.

Teresa

((((((((teresa ))))))))

Will be thinking of you and your dad and keeping everything crossed for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

I'm sorry for you, your Dad, and family. I'll try to remember him in my prayers. My brother seems to be recovering from advanced cancer; miracles sometimes happen.

So much stress at once! Huuuuugs,
J