doxie, i am really happy that you are feeling better and now have a game plan for the future.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

Wow, that's really interesting about requiring counseling. What a fascinating idea.

I could relate to lots of your post. Good luck DL.
J

H finally sent the email to the OC yesterday. I hate that I had to resort to "nagging" to get it done.
I also sent him an email Tues to explain how much it was hurting me that he kept promising to do it and then kept putting it off which just totally pissed him off and I got a very ANGRY email back. He did call before bed that night to apologize. That was a huge deposit in my LB. I told him I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings but when he continually makes promises that he doesn't keep, it hurts me deeply.
Now I'm breathing a guarded sigh of relief but another part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have no idea what the OC's reaction will be.

Wow! I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted.

My husband agreed to do the test. I asked him again and told him it was just for me, my peace of mind. So he said yes. I got the test and sent it to him last week. He just got it and mailed the samples back to the lab yesterday. I just have to wait for it to get back to the lab and then there is a 5 day turnaround for the results. It's going to be a long couple of weeks. I won't be surprised if it is a match but I have a tiny little flicker of hope that it won't be. Either way, it will be a hard day to get through.

I've still been going to the Chaplin once a week. I don't know how long I will continue going but I'm not strong enough to stop yet. 2 weeks ago I got a call from DS's school counselor. She was worried about him because he's been skipping lots of classes. The next day I got his report card for the semester and he failed all but 2 classes. Most of the time this covers is from before the current situation with the OC so he can't use that as an excuse. I had a meeting with all his teachers and they are willing to work with him as long as he makes an effort. I'm having a serious chat with him tonight because I'm not seeing alot of follow-through so far. I just got an email from his algebra teacher because he was a no-show for picking up his assignment list.

I just want to cry. I've been in such a funk all week because I've got this on top of the other and I'm just exhausted ~ emotionally, mentally and physically. I gave up yesterday and called for a doctor's appt. I really wanted to get through this without having to resort to taking AD but I might just have to to make it through for the time being. The first available appt is next Wed. I called earlier today to see if there was anyway they could squeeze me in today but no. Oh well.

There's more that I will post about later.

ta ta for now,

doxie,

it is not a failing to need AD's while you are going through this. Take what help you can get and if AD's work for you then i say fantastic.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you on the test front.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

I just need to vent and where better than this group of anonymous people that will have a bit of understanding.

I previously mentioned that we asked the OC to get counseling. That went over like a lead balloon. What 19 year old young man would willingly go? Not many. Anyway, I found out through my DS how he felt. He didn't have the decency to write DH back and tell him but he told DS.

I just got tired of all this worrying about the kids talking so I wrote to him myself. I told him I needed to know about him because his mother had told us very little and if he was going to be in contact with my kids, I needed to know who was. He is a stranger to us, after all. We didn’t even know his full name. We’ve done some emailing back and forth and he seems pretty grounded. I just need to know what he expects.

I called the OC this morning. We had a nice chat, I asked him some things and he told me that he was feeling caught in the middle. He had already told his mom to quit asking him stuff and he would tell her when he was ready to talk. He told me something that has just thrown me off the deep end. He said he didn’t want to hide anything because I had already accused him of being underhanded with how he contacted DD without our knowledge. He didn’t want to upset me but he felt he’d been put in an awkward position and he just wanted to come clean. He told me that my DH had called his mom on a couple of occasions and that he actually talked to him for a few minutes one of the times. It was all I could do know to breakdown right then and there. My DH asked them not to tell me that they had talked to him. I had sent the FOW an email back at the beginning of Jan just flaming her for giving out my DD name and how badly she had handled this, etc. Come to find out, my DH (and by now the D is starting to stand for DEAD husband) called her and warned her that the email was coming.

People, I am just at such a loss on how to take in this information. Here I am trying to take everyone’s feelings into consideration and on top of that deal with my own emotions on the betrayal because frankly, I was deprived of the opportunity to work through this at the time. I didn’t know about the affair for 6 years and when I found out, well, it was old news and I didn’t see the need by then. He was with me and loved me and we had gone on with our lives and were different people, why rehash the past. Just didn’t need to at that time. Now, it’s all fresh and new, like it just happened recently.

Here I am thinking I’m doing a fairly good job getting through this and that how much stronger our marriage is going to be by us working through this together. I’m sure his reasoning will be that he was trying to protect me, knowing how hard a time I’m having but that’s such BULL. I feel betrayed all over again. Why don’t you just take a knife and stab me in the heart. I can’t believe that he would put them in the position to cover something else up when we’re trying to have open communication. Where’s the honesty? How can I trust anything he tells me?

I sent DH an email this morning asking what might be our next course of action if the test comes back a match. I asked will he finally call OC. And then I said, unless of course you already have and didn’t tell me because you thought it might be too hard for me. He had better answer me honestly or I don’t know what I will do. Now I’m getting angry. I woke up at 3:30 and have not been able to go back to sleep. I may just spend the day in bed.

Doxie:

Address it head on. Not good to beat around the bush, then he'll have the comment that you tried to catch him in his lie etc. with your round about way of trying to get him to come clean about the phone calls and try to turn the tide and make it your fault. KWIM?

Don't spend the day in bed. Get yourself out and get a bit of exercise. Good for your mind and body.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 weeks already. Thought I'd give an update.

I'm doing so much better emotionally. I decided that I need to quit obsessing about the situation ~ which is much easier said than done and little by little I finally did. I got very busy at work and that helped. I made a couple of almost very costly errors (I caught them in time) and realized I had to get over it and concentrate. I've been sleeping better and I'm not taking any kind of medicine.

We got the results of the test on Friday. It seems like it took forever. It was a match. I expected that but I just needed the confirmation. I had expected to be upset when I got the email but I wasn't terribly so. My hopes were dashed a little but they were unrealistic so it wasn't devestating like I thought it would be.

I don't know where we will go from here. All the kids are emailing and on friendly terms. I've exchanged a few emails with OC myself. DH said he won't pursue a relationship but would respond if he's contacted.

The xOW has written me a couple of times but I just ignore them. Maybe I should send her a note saying I'm not interested in talking to her and nicely ask her to leave me alone. I don't want or need her "I can only imagine how difficult this is for you" comments and offers to chat. My next challenge is to get to the place where I won't want to rip her head off if I have to be in the same room with her. I don't plan on ever seeing her but you never know.

ta ta for now,

doxilover

Why now? All in God's time. I just posted under new here although I read your story several days ago.

Take care of yourself and God bless.

The day after I posted, on April 5, I received the most horrible news. My daddy has cancer. Not just any cancer but a fairly rare and deadly cancer of the esophagus. It's already stage 4. I've been on the computer everyday since trying to find out all I can. Stage 4 is the highest stage. He sees two oncologists tomorrow so I should learn of the prognosis tomorrow night or Wed morning when I get up. I've decided to move home early instead of waiting here in Germany for my husband to get back from Iraq. I hope to be out of here by June 3. This makes my little situation of a "new" kid pale in comparison. Just needed to share and ask if you'd remember him in prayer.

Teresa

((((((((teresa ))))))))

Will be thinking of you and your dad and keeping everything crossed for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

I'm sorry for you, your Dad, and family. I'll try to remember him in my prayers. My brother seems to be recovering from advanced cancer; miracles sometimes happen.

So much stress at once! Huuuuugs,
J