Hi all,

I hav enot posted on here in awhile until this morning I put a post or update on Divorcing board so you can read in detail if you want.

I have been on a ride as you all know me so well, I tried to post on SBf last week this whole dilemma, but after writing my long post twice I kept getting kicked off. I don't know what that was about unlees God was trying to tell me to talk to him first, which I then did!!

Anywhoo, my stepsons mom threw him out and H's OW threw him out all in the same night and Both are now living with me temporarily. It has been two weeks. I know I have te RO against him!!! Tell me I'm stupid. Without going into real details ( you can read them on divorcing) I had him sing an affidavit saying that he knows this stay is temporary and he will leave the house peacefully and with only the clothing that he brought back into the home (notarized it). HE still says he wants his marriage and that she did not throw him out he went to get his things and she got mad because he wanted to come home with me blah blah blah! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

All while he has been in the house he still has done the same old thing come in late 11:pm (when the shop closes at 9:00pm). He doesn't help with the kids (baths, dinner, or [playtime). He has not spent any quality time with us as a family. If he wanted us back so bad you'd think he'd be showing it especially since he's back in the house. Nothing!! No DNA, no CS, still has some C, none of my wishes have been met.(it has been 15 months since this began)

So why the he11 do I keep helping this man out!!! Why!! I am a FOOL!!!!!!!!! I am having trouble with the process server serving him!! I am not getting the CS that he owes me ( late late late)!! He even has the nerve to get upset when I question him on his whereabouts?

Okay lay it on me I need it RIGHT NOW!!!

JT

PS - I AM STUPID!!

To quote Dr/ Phil "How's that working for you?" He also says that as much as we complain about a situation and DO NOT change it, then you MUST be getting something out of it - you might have to dig deep to realize what that is, but there is something keeping you from doing WHAT YOU KNOW you need to do...
Believe me, I have MUCHO experience in the "why am I doing this?!?!?!" area <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
My H talked the talk too but also never walked the walk and I finally said ENOUGH but it took a lot a soul searching and I still sometimes feel like I am on the fence again but then the good Lord shows me the right way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I WOULD say that this a sign from God, EXCEPT that since his behavior indicates that he is not willing to actually make positive chages then...........you're right, you're just being weak.

OKAY, so what do we do NOW?

Sit down, have a CALM discussion w/ him.
Lay out your boundaries. HE MUST meet these requirements by such & such a time or else his stuff will be packed & waiting to greet him on the curb, locks will be changed & RO will STILL be in effect, as well as Co for CS enforced, as well as he MUST take son w/ him.

Some starters:
RADICAL HONESTY
Must come straight home after work
Call when on your way & call if going to be late (common courtesy)
PAY CS on your FAMILY, NOW & regularly
Begin MC
Take active role w/ kids (whatever that means to you, give baths, get ready 4 bed, ect)
ALL CS & custody issues 4 OC, filed w/ the court
DNA established
NC w/ OW
NC w/ OC w/o you

Seems pretty simple & clear to me.
I say one week, no more than 2.

If he is not willing to do all these things, no problem, he has one week to find a place for him & son to live. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Someone else wrote that they told H 3 strikes & you're out. IF they broke ANY of her requirements, equalling 3x---that's it--deal breaker! I thought that was a pretty clear boundary right there.

What do you think?

JT: I know you have a soft spot for ss BUT you cannot legally support him nor take care of him. YOu MUST allow H to take responisbility for him himself. YOu can see that he has not been responsible for ss, then you own kids & now maybe even OC. See a pattern? You must NOT enable him to get away w/ this bad behavior.

The power is YOURS to decide how you want to be treated by H or anyone else for that matter.

Your responsibily is for YOUR own kids & YOU.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
kt

It was A Victim No Longer----read her posts in coping w/ OC----------STAY STRONG JT!!!!!!

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

P.S.
I just noticed your quote in your signature, JT and maybe you should read it more often-
"LOVE is a verb, not a noun."
LOVE is shown thru actions, and actions always speak louder than words...
(((((((jt)))))))

You girls are exactly right and don't get me wrong I know that H is not going to change. I know that I do not want to be with him, like this anymore. I want a D, but I still for some reason have a hard time just letting him fall on his butt.

KT-- you are so right about me having a weak spot for ss. I love him, but you are right I have no claim to him at all. Plus his dad needs to be reponsible at some point for him or any of his children. He has been getting off scott free because he has not been the one to take care of any of them including OC. I am sure OW knows now that she was going to carry that burden ( a sorry excuse of a man around). I am letting him get away with it I know. I need to get my CS taken care of ( he is currently $5000.00 behind)I just didn't want to have to put him in jail.

wwtd--- thank you for your comments I know clearly that love is a verb and not a noun = which means that I am not being loved by this man. Anyone who could be in this situation and still smart off or be sarcastic about it is pure crazy!!! and I am crazy for dealing with him.

I just want it to be over. I want to move on with my life. I am trying not to be mean about it, but handling my business with him is not really being mean = just firm! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thanks all any if anyine else has a comment please let me know!

JT

HONEY BUN!

I miss you !

I want you to come here and give me a big hug and THEN...

TAKE THIS ! BAM BAM BAM I am beating your wittle head with this tree brach.. LOL

If you KNOW you dont want to be with him.... maybe YOU are seeing him now for YOU... may yes.. THIS IS WORKING FOR you for some reason? As far as your ss--- how old is he? If you love the boy, and you are temporarily helping him-- then I think you will be rewarded in heaven for that one sweetie.... you can NEVER be a bad person for helping out a kid even if he is not your responsibility- so for now- ease you mind about you ss-- he is just lucky to have adult with a BRAIN backing him up, right or wrong.

As far as your H... you filed for D.. you've pulled your head out of the sand for the most part... and hey- its HARD to make the COMPLETE break. NO, I dont think the leech should be there, but you aren't following him around like a puppy dog and acting needy are you?

Do you feel you have still kept putting at least ONE foot in front of yourself recently? Even if one of your toes is still dipping in those polluted waters- give yourself a little credit for just how far you HAVE come.

Any chance you are still keeping your options open for YOU? Are you still open to the prospect of sharing your time with anyone else- whether male or female and having ANY fun for YOU? I hope so-- and this is the key.

I think MAYBE, just a LITTLE bit of you, and please correct me if I'm wrong.... LIKES that OW is getting a little taste of her own medicine???

Just dont let this drag on if he still isn't making any progress within himself. I know it is very hard to put your child's father in jail- but surely you know you cannot house his "fugative" [censored] for long! You are not perfect- this is the father of your kids- he still even LOOKS like your old H-- this is not easy.

You'll probably get so sick of him soon, anyway, that the weakness you still have will DISAPPEAR AGAIN!! And MAYBE, just MAYBE God is bringing him back one more time to REMIND AND REAFFIRM that your D is the right decision... the loss of peace and additional drama and hurt he brings to your home may need to replay JUST ONE more time to get you thru this..

I'm gona go read up on divorcing now! Love ya girl!

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

JT (WTE)

Missed hearing from u so much girl, sorry to hear what u are dealing with right now but I think KT gave u some really sound advice;

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OKAY, so what do we do NOW?

Sit down, have a CALM discussion w/ him.
Lay out your boundaries. HE MUST meet these requirements by such & such a time or else his stuff will be packed & waiting to greet him on the curb, locks will be changed & RO will STILL be in effect, as well as Co for CS enforced, as well as he MUST take son w/ him.

Some starters:
RADICAL HONESTY
Must come straight home after work
Call when on your way & call if going to be late (common courtesy)
PAY CS on your FAMILY, NOW & regularly
Begin MC
Take active role w/ kids (whatever that means to you, give baths, get ready 4 bed, ect)
ALL CS & custody issues 4 OC, filed w/ the court
DNA established
NC w/ OW
NC w/ OC w/o you

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your H really & truly wants his M he will do those things & do them starting now. If not, he wants to continue to play the game & most likely will do so as long as U allow him to!

This sound very familiar to me as my H came home almost 2 yrs. ago now & made none of the above mentioned changes, I am now in the same boat as u. I won't call u stupid, cuz I cannot judge u, u love your H & want back the life u had before the A & OC existed, I feel u & totally understand why u let him back in the house but if the behavior remains the same - what is the point & who is hurting, is it worth????? It sounds as if he is still enjoying living two lives with two families, not fair to u or your children, as G123 said u have come a really long way, only u know why u can't take that last step & end this once & for all. G123 also said maybe this is God's way of showing u that it is time so u can do what u need to do & have no regrets, no "what ifs..." kwim?. I know it is hard but u have to make a decision & soon, I agree that u should have a deadline in mind & stick to it.

Praying for u & your family sweetie.

Love u,
Your SBF!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT))))))))))))))))))))

JT sorry for popping in so late. But KT suggestions are on the money. If he wants to be home he will have to put forth some actions! You are not asking for much. KWIM! You have the right to ask him about everything. I'm praying for ya and I hope it all works out!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

JT,
I was thinking about you the other day {{{hug}}}...
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now ...

I'm going to quote yourself - from a post to me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mily, Don't let your lonliness get in the way of what you need to do for you. He will take advantage of it I promise you. You give an inch and they'll take a mile! If you truly know that it won't effect you I say go for it, but truthfully I think you are not ready! You are not ready to be that close to him right now - you will cave in completely. So in essence you are putting off the ineviteable. Be careful - be very careful. You are wearing your heart on your coat sleeves.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you want to change my name to your's?
If OW does not want him back, it is not the right moment for you to take him back either ...
Well, the similarities in our stories are still there ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If he really wants to come home and be part of your family, he needs to show it to you. As the others have said, you have your list/boundaries there ...

You still love him, we know that, but it is not a healthy love when you keep giving and giving without anything in return ... continue on this path and that love will grow into resentment and anger ... and it will hurt you more ...

IMO, what he needs now is to grow up, live by himself and take responsibilities on his life. Talk to him on how do you feel ... and what do you want from him ... and what you expect from him ...
It is hard to let them in the street ... but they will survive ...

My WxH is no longer with OW ... confirmed by messages she left him and cell phone calls ... he's now telling me everytime she calls and what they talk about ... His lease finally expires at the end of February ... do I want him back home? You bet! But I understand that letting him come home right now, it is going to lead us to the same old stuff ... and I do not want that back .. I can't go throught that again ...

He's looking for a studio to live for the next year ... in the meantime, it's been three weeks now since we started 'dating' ... He's going to counseling ... He seems to be growing up ... he still has to make everything legal with OC ... and I'm try to deal with the fact that OW will always be in our lifes if it is for us to get back together ...

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS!!!!!
Stand up! and let him hear what you have to say ... you do not need him like that in your life.

{{{{{JT my prayers are with you}}}}}

Hey ladies,

You all are so dear to my heart until it is unreal. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you to bounce things off of.

G123- Girlie I miss you dearly too!! You are so right, but one thing this has taught me is that I do not want to be with this man. It has been a task even having him in thehouse again. He reaaly expects me to take care of the kids SS included while he just whatever! I have enabled him long enough and I want him to be gone from the house. I love my SS dearly and want him to feel safe and at home with people who love him, but at the same time he's 14 now and my H needs to step up and be a man and raise this child. He already has an [censored] of a mother and father, but someone needs to stand in his corner (that'd be ME). My h needs to see how it feels to be responsible for someone other than himself. He needs to be doing homework and getting clothes, books, baths, dinners, breakfasts ready for someone. I have carried him long enough.

You are so right this has shown me once more that I do not want this man in my life any longer, and I mean for no reason. I miss the peace my house had before I allowed him back in. Teh children and I had become so comfortable being alone and drama free. I thought I was doing what was best as a whole, but now see that I was really in the back of my mind trying to find some good in him.

Well there is none!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The funny part about all ofthis is (I don't remember which one of you said it to me)that I know have that dislike and resentment towards him. I would be a happy soul if I never had to deal with him on anything again. I long for that, but know that won't happen with the two kids invoved.

I am on the phone with my attny everday asking why he has not been served yet. it is always an excuse, but maybe the Lord was waiting for me to be truely finish with him ( this drama)!!

I can truely say today that I AM FINISHED!!! I WANT TO SEE THE INK ON THE PAPERWORK ASAP!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
The Lord has somewhere out there for me that deserves me and I him. I want to be happy even if that means alone and right now that is better than being with him.

I can't hlp him anymore and must stop trying to spare his feelings - he did not do the same for me!!!


Love you all,

JT

Mily talk to me sometime, G123 don't leave me, and KT just as sound as ever, Sunny - keep your head up, shining as bright as ever!!!

JT,

It's been so long since we spoke. I feel so bad that I have not kept up with you.

Sweetie, you are not stupid at all. You are a caring and loving person and you try to help others in need, including you H. However, at this point it may be more of an enabling thing for him.

I am not an expert at all but have been reading a little about being Co-dependent. Seems like I am and maybe you are too. We tend to do for others even if it makes us unhappy. We tend to control the situation, by following H's, being home when they get him, etc. But in reality they are controlling us. We tend to want everyone to be happy and do what is necessary not to rock the boat or make others mad at us. Does that sound like you at all? I could be wrong. I hope I did not insult you if I am.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> one thing this has taught me is that I do not want to be with this man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If that is how you feel then act on it. Don't do something that you think will make him happy or is what he wants if you won't be happy. Be happy JT, whatever that means to you.

Big hugs to you girl.

Thanks LUV,

I have been missing you as well. I am sorry that I have not posted on either site much. I am one of those people who has to help others even when I don't really want to. I realize that I am just enabling him. OW threw him out so guess who he calls and comes running to - and I take his stupid [censored] in. He doesn't he says he's thankful, but has done nothing to save his family.

I am just tired of the ongoing battle. I will follow through with my d and move on with my life. I am putting my trust in GOD that he will take care of it and I am moving on.

My H is a lost cause, but soon to be someone else's cause I don't care anymore. Talk to my attny this morning and he'll be served tomorrow morning ASAP. I will have him out of the house no later than Friday of this week. He doesn't currently have access to my home so I don't really have to do anything drastic - just not let him in anymore.

I did not want this to get ugly, but if he leaves me no choice I will do whatever I have to do to gain peace in my life, my home, and my children.

That's a good plan right?

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey LUV!!!! WRITE US AN UPDATE on how you are!!!

Miss you and Waiting2 around here so much!

Waiting2--- you are SO overdue -- this man runs to YOU to USE YOU when OW throws him out--- uses OW when you throw him out... etc..etc...

Now just remember WHY AND WHAT you are doing here--- you are doing this FOR THOSE BABIES of yours!!

They NEED YOU TO FEEL COMFORTABLE in your own skin!

They NEED you to be sane, calm and stress free and TEAR free!

You are doing SO GOOD.. I JUST know this little thing w/H is just to ice the "he's gotta go" cake-- I beleive that the more I read of your NEWEST TALES.... ugh..

As you already know-- your life is JUST BEGINNING for you -- TAKE THIS LAST STEP to your freedom to SLEEP in peace at night!!!! To feel CONFIDENT AND PROUD that you took these final steps to make yours and your childrens lives better!!

I am still so proud of you-- no matter what. You are LIGHT years ahead of what you are ultimately giving yourself credit for. Some are stuck in this for YEARS AND YEARS -- and you are not going to waste your precious young life (yes lots of it left) on ANYONE, even IF its your H--- if he is NEVER going to change. And if he ever DOES change-- God will tell you if its right again.

Was your H the type who always showed little signs of this ultimate demise of himself-- or did this ALL change when he met OW, only? Just curious-- I dont recall the exact answer to that from our past postings here.

Stay strong-- and Luv you too- please write us back if you can, okay?

Hey G123,

Yes, he started showing litle signs of this shortly after we were married. I knew that it was not how I wanted my marriage to be, but I think I was on that he'll change kick. Granted i never saw any of this while we were dating.

I am just glad that I have the strength to go on from here. I will leave him in GOD's hands and work on being a better christian, person, mother and friend. I know that my destiny is a brighter one and am looking forward to whatever it maybe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I just wish this process would finally be over for me and then I could give a sigh of relief. Thank you for all the confidence all of you have in me and I have learned so much from each of you this past year. I have been living this hell for 16 months now and will be glad to see it/HIM gone. I will only deal with him as his visitation allows and move on from there. I must admit this and he knows it too - I do not want my children around OW/OC. He agrees with that becasue he says the kids are innocent and to young to be involved in this mess. My 14 yr old SS does not even know and he doesn't want him to know. My fear is that when this D gets ugly he will do it just to spite me, but who will he really be hurting - the children.

I don't want my babies to have to deal with this they are to young and I want to spare them the humiliation and embarrassment of it all. But if the time does ever come I know the Lord will bring us through it once again so I can not let that fear rule me.

My h when arguing will even threaten to have the kids around some other women if I say that I am moving on. Me moving on does not mean introducing my children to new/strange people. They are to young for that and even if they were I am not that kind of mother. They have a father and I don't want that to be confused. I would not introduce my kids to a new person at least until it was very very very serious and headed for a future. Otherwise what would be the point? Plus I am not even thingking of any of that at this point - I need time to get to know me and what I want for me and my babies!!

Their happiness and well being are my main concern.

Is that rational thinking? Am I wrong?

Love ya,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plus I am not even thingking of any of that at this point - I need time to get to know me and what I want for me and my babies!!

Their happiness and well being are my main concern. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BRAVO LADY!!! And you ask if YOU are being rational? I hope that some people are taking notes on how NOT to screw up your life further.. LOL!!!!

NOW THIS is the writing of a TRUE LADY.. A LOVELY MOTHER... A WOMAN who is going to be BLESSED so very much!!

I wish that more women could come to the understanding you have... to realize how you obtain TRUE happines-- with God in the lead-- with patience for situations where you could EASILY soothe your woes with another man-- or with unfruitful things.

You are on the right track-- isn't it SO true that what does not kill us makes us stronger?!

I know you do not feel STRONG every second-- I know you have been hard on yourself for even sticking it out this far-- but your outlook and attitude now is going to get you EVERYWHERE in your life ahead. The past can stay in the crummy past!

GIRLFRIEND I swear I am grinning ear to ear with the feeling I get from your recent posts-- you are truly on your way to peace-- believe that- just a little more time!!!!!!

JT,

I read your post yesterday and have been following up everyday. I was thinking about your situation a lot and wanted to make sure I knew exactly what I wanted to say.

I think that you are on the right track in your last couple of posts.

I only wanted to tell you one thing: I am not a church-going individual, but I am very spiritual. I believe that one of the greatest disservices we can do to God is to worry. Worrying implies that we do not trust God to take care of his business!

You sound like a wonderful woman, a caring person, and a lovely mother. I honestly believe that you are on the right path! Keep the love you have for your children close to your heart and in your mind always. Doing this will ensure your success in making the proper life choices!

YOU ARE NOT STUPID! Do not disrespect yourself so! Stay strong, love yourself - you deserve it. The only way you will gain love and respect from others is if you yourself demand it!

You are in my thoughts during this rough journey.

You are fortunate to have many friends here. We all have your back!

Keep your chin up. Lots of (((hugs)))!

AVNL

thanks girlies,

I love you all so much until it is unreal. I have missed all of you soooo. I am also glad to here from a few of you that I have not posted to before. I have read several of your stories as I keep up with the site, but do not post frequently at all.

G123, thank you so much for the kind words -- you made me cry ( you BOOB!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I have come a long way and I am feeling so much support from all of you. I can't even begin to describe what my life might have been like had I not found this site. I found it pretty early in my discovery and learned so much. even when it was hard to hear and understand - each of you in your own way guided me and held me up when I needed someone the most. You all have been my rock when family and friends could not or did not.

The advice from talking to women that are going through what we havehas been a blessing. You don't feel like it is just words because each of us has been there at some point in time. not every situation turns out the way we might think it should, but I do now believe that things do turn out the way they are meant to be.

I don't remember who the quote came from but it went something like this - If you let .... go and it doesn't come back to you then it wasn't meant to be, but if does return to you then it was meant to be ( something to that effect). I think we can all learn from that thought, but it takes awhile before we are ready to put it to the test. My test has come and I am ready to be whole again - only I can make myself happy. happiness lies within me not with someone else!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AVNL - Thank you for your support and kind words. you are so right!!

Babygirl, I have missed you - thank you and hope to talk to you soon as well!!

Love ya,

Waiting 2 Exhale

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>

okay, I am going to stay cool, calm, and collected.

Here's the latest update: My H was given a few more days to get his stuff and ss stuff out of the house (clothes only). Everytime his deadline is up he conviently needs a few more days to get it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am being a little to kind hearted at this point. On this past Monday I filed for and emergency court hearing to show how much he was behind on his CS. ($4000.00) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anywho, his attorney must have just received the paperwork because he comes in last night to ask me if I was trying to put him in jail. I replied NO, but I am trying to get what the children and I deserved to have. I am not going to keep struggling while he puts our CS on the back burner. He still pays his XW (ss's mother) her CS and the ss is now living under my roof. (WTF)
I seem to be always last on the list. He'll even make the comment to me that he has to pay her because she is crazy. Well I guess it is my turn to act like a fool and maybe I won't be taken for granted anymore.

I have been trying not be evil and do what's right for everyone. I have only been used in the process or at least taken for a fool. when he feels like I have him backed into a corner the first thing he'll say is that he'll go and get the CS reduced. Now, if you really loved us and CARED about us then that would not be an issue especially not one that you constantly bring up.

I would hate for him to go to jail, but I need my CS in oder to cover the bills (mortgage).

I am tired of his threats eveytime he feels like he has no way out and I am really tired of this whole thing no matter how nice or what I have done for him he is never really appreciative. Of course he'll say thank you, but he believes that he is doing it all. He honestly had the nerve to tell me that he was a good person and that God was going to continue to bless him because he had done all he could do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> _ how can he think that) God forgives our sins yes, but doesn't he also tell us to go and sin no more. I was always under the impression that if you repented a particular sin that you would be forgiven if done humbly, but that you were not to commit that sin again ( if at all possible)!!

Am I right? This man needs a reality check and I guess I am the one that is going to have to give it to him. He even told me that he wanted me to understand that he was going to do all that he needed to do cover himself or look out for himself. my response was calm and quiet - I told him that that was good because I definately was going to do the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What do I do now? He should also be served sometime this weekend (cross your fingers). I could have served him myself by now!!


input please - or comments?

WAITING 2 EXHALE

HI W2E,

I'm 4 1/2 years past D-day I used to live on this board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I occasionally lurk or come to the board when someone I keep in touch with in RL tells me to look at a particular post. Anyway, I just wanted to say you are doing a good job I've read a few of your posts in the past in and you have come a long way. Your H has taken you for granted for a long time and I'm glad you are finally standing up to him. You are doing the right thing he has to know that now that you have made up your mind his old actions are a thing of the past. You will no longer allow him to put you on the back burner. CS is something that's owed to your children he needs to pay it. He knows what your living expenses are. You've allowed him to come back stay in your home and he's still not showing consideration he knows the mortgage has to be paid. Do what you have to do. Your children need a roof over their head. If he's stupid enough to continue to pay his ex-wife CS and his son lives with him that's his choice do what best for you and your kids. Do not second guess your self stop feeling sorry for this man you are doing the right thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


Unsure

Unsure,

Thank you for your comment and words of wisdom. I feel like I am doing the right thing, but I have second guessed myself for so long until I still get kind of mixed feelings. My H has done exactly what you have said taken me for granted, but no more I will not feel guilty for taking care of my family (kids).

I need to just keep the faith that I will be alright and move forward with my life. Thank you so much and if you don't mind keep poking your head in on me from time to time.

Thank you so much for reaffirming my confidence in MYSELF!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm glad I was able to help you, some of the women that used to post here kept me sane. You are doing what's best. Keep us updated, if you ever need support in RL email me and I'll send you my real email address. And I'll keep popping in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Unsure

okay girlies,

I DID IT!!! I FINALLY DID IT!!!! I packed up all of his belongings along with my ss's stuff and left them in the garage for him to pick up.

I had prayed about it and prayed that my ss would not be at home when I did it. The Lord answered my prayers and ss went to his mom's for the weekend. I prayed that my bbies would not be awake to see me packing it up and guess what they took a 4 hour nap (I know there is a GOD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I was feeling guilty all while I was packing it up, but I have asked him to get his stuff and find him a place for I don't know how long.

He kept asking for a few more days just a few more days, then a few more days. For all who don't know the rest I rescued him after OW threw him out - so no we were not really back together even though he used it to try and stay in the house. I fele like I was being used daily and of course I do not believe that he was not involved still with her.

It was civil when he came home I'd called him earlier to tell him that I was packing it up and where he could pick it up. He said fine!! When he got home with the valentines in hand ( last night no less)he was furious that I had really done it. I'd said it for weeks now but not done it ( so of course he would not believe that I was going to do it). he got angry took my valentine back and packed the stuff in his car and left.

He called but I decided not to answer the phone. I am so happy that it was not a big blow out!!! I had prayed that it just be quick and easy no mess for the kids to witness. None of the kids were present so I was greatful for that.

I slept good in my bed last night ALONE!!!! NO SNORING or HOGGING THE COVERS!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OF course I was worried about them, but I had to put it out of my mind - he's a big boy and can take care of himself. He tried to lay the guilt trip on me this morning, but I am not falling for that and am past even discussing a reconciliation with him. I want out!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I trust in GOD that he knows better than I and I am on to a new found strength and life with my children beside me.

I know he is not going to go quietly so I'll need all the help I can get to stay focused on what's right for me and the babies!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Waiting 2 Exhale !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey JT - I have missed you girl!!

Glad to hear you have regained control in your life. Enjoy the peace.

Take care of you and those babies!

Love,
Kris

Kris,

Oh my goodness I've missed you too girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How is everything going with you and yours? Better I hope!!

Update me!!

Love ya,

JT = W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, JT, for a long time not much had changed until recently. H is still not at home, but he is seriously talking about it. I have really seen alot of changes in him that leads me to believe it will happen. However, I am being cautiously optimistic until I actually see him home.

There are still issues to deal w/ as far as OW/OC are concerned. We have not told the kids yet about OC, which will have to be done if he moves home. I dread that, but as long as the adults handle it well, then I think they will also. H has not done DNA or set up legal V/CS, but quite honestly, after seeing recent pix of OC, there is really no doubt she is his. OW and H have been working civilly together thus far w/ V/CS, but when he moves home, OW will change quickly. She has made that threat in the past. So, I have encouraged H to get all the legal issues in order before he tells OW he is home to stay.

After all this time, I want to believe this is genuine, but I know I need to not get my hopes up too much until I see that his actions match his words. But he is making some honest strides, and after much prayer, I do believe my family will be together again soon.

God Bless,
Kris

Kris,

I am glad to see you keeping the faith. I hope that he will do all that he needs to do for his family's sake, but I do want you to be cautious. My H has been preaching that same thing even as early as last night, yet he has made no move to do any of it. It is like they are trying to keep their options open.

If we don't except what they decide to do they will not have upset OW in the process. I don't know what runs through their wicked little minds, but I pray that he is on the up and up.

How are those little people of yours doing? Fine I hope! Be safe and continue to pray for GOD has the answer for all things in his time.

Miss you much,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Okay I am getting the whole speech again about if you just give us one more try. I love you with all my heart and I want our family to be together. I can't live with what I have done to you and the kids. L know that I 've made a huge mistake and plese don't end our marriage. I want to grow old with you and be your best friend again. I want to be with you and the kids all under one roof not apart. Speeches, speeches, all I ever get is speeches. I never get any actions.

I have also decided to change all of my phone numbers, home and cell. OW had them from previous conversations and I just want a clean start from all of that. She has no reason to know any of my information. It is bad enough she knows my address, but I am not moving I built a beautiful home and I'll be darned if I'm going to let anyone run me away from it.

I just want the late night phone calls to stop, and the laughing, snickering when you answer then hang ups to stop. I feel like women should not play with children (OW as the child in this example). My H even agrees and said he help me prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, which if I have to I will!!!

But the easiest is to just change it - so I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anything fruitful to say? Anyone out there?

W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey W2E,

As I have just gone thru the "please let me come back, can u just let me in the house, can't we talk about this...."

I have one thing only to say, if he is out let him stay out, get your CS, take care of your babies, let him set up his V with the kids & move on with your life honey, if u allow him to he will keep u in limbo land forever with false promises & lies.

I am so sorry things didn't work out for u, but all we can do is try, it takes two to make a marriage work, well actually three cuz God should b the center. You can't do it alone, u tried as hard as u could, that is all that God requires of any of us.

Someone wrote this on this board awhile ago & it is so true;

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Let us not forget that the Almighty God allowes separation and divorce on the grounds of adultery. He does not want you to live a miserable and untrusting life with someone who does not honor and love you. He hates to see his children suffer. How can you trust him again unless he understands and repents of his actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt it summed up my H's actions totally & I think I sums up your H's actions as well.

Keep your head up girl, stay strong, LIVE!!!!!

Life is too short, & much too short for the games kwim???

BIG BIG Hugs to u - this is not an easy thing to do! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{W2E}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love u!

itzy-bitzy-teensie-weensie TJ to say Hi BBG!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's hard to keep track of you with all the name changes. I do like the names you pick though!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

Waiting.....

I just read this (missed it somehow- imagine THAT).....

Uhhhh.... did you really call me a BOOB?

haaaaaaa I LOVE it-- its particularly funny to me because my mom used to call my brothers and me that when we were growing up. To this day we imitate her by calling each other "BOOBS"... this was the closest we ever got to hearing our mother "swear" LOL!!!

I will get back at ya when I have more time!! Love ya!

Hey Ad!

Thanks 4 the hello!

Missed all u guys!

Love u!

J2/Waiting...

LOL.. I just updated myself on this thread.. you asked for something fruitful.. was my "boob" post fruitful? I can tell you this- you amaze me more and more with each post. You are AWESOME!!!!! Dont ever forget how few women with little teeny ones do what you are doing now----- suriving emotionally without H because you have to. You cannot beleive how many ZILLIONS of women stay for YEARS AND YEARS in this miserable existence. You had a few dark years (minus the little lights of your life)... but I feel so confident about YOUR FUTURE WITH HAPPY HAPPY EXHALING!!!! woo hoo... SOO very close to leaving ALL the clutter behind and clearing out your "closet!"

BBgirl.. hey you!! I didn't know it was OVER w/you and H... I missed something (well a lot I suppose).... I know you are going to have lots of good things to look forward to now.

You girls are ON YOUR WAY now. I am almost envious.... just because of the fresh start you all are getting without the drama/oc/A looming in the back of your head at times when you look at H.......... but I think thats weird and bad to say here or something... soooo

Thanks Girlies,

B - I am like AD I can't keep up with our new names, but I miss you lots. I hope that your decision as well as mine will bring us the life that we so desire and deserve. Thank you for reminding me of just what GOD has promised us all.

I know that we will flourish through this mess and live a very happy and loving life without these particular H's. ( I say that because I really don't think that GOD wants us to live our young lives alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

G123 - you are my sunshine!! (hahahahahaha) Thanks for always having encouraging words for me. I need them from time to time and I can always count on your support. I feel like I am always concerned with me, but I would like to ask how things are going on your home front?

You guys have never heard from your OW/OC again (since you got back together)have you? Is he still kissing those feet or better yet being the loving H that he should be? I wish you all the best and am glad that at least one man decided that he loved his wife and children more than the Bleeeeeeep out in the street!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Keep reminding me from time to time not to fall for anything that he says anymore; I am well aware that he is crying because he has everything to lose. Even he has now stated that that is the case, but too little toooooo late!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


Love ya girls,

W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Okay,

Why is it that we sometimes still try to remain peaceful to our H's even when they do not deserve it. I went to pick up my ss last night while H was supposedly at a meeting ( Court Ordered anger management classes). the meetings are over at 7:00pm and the shop closes at (9:00pm). So tell me where the heck was he? He did not come and pick up ss until 11:20PM last night. This child has to be at school at 8:00am in the morning.

I am being used yet again aren't I? I hate to have ss be slighted, but I refuse to keep helping him when really all he wants is somewhere safe to leave him while he goes and does God knows what and with whom? I am not even mad about that I am mad about the fact that this man still gets to me one way or another!!

He uses the kids so until it is unreal. I am sick of making his life easier and yes it does hurt because I still feel used eventhough he is out of the house. He also calls and tries to use the lets do family things to get me to say okay and spend time with him. that is yet another ploy to get me back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I call my attny's office almost daily to ask why the heck he has not been served yet. he was to be served on Jan. 5, 2005. Here it is February 18 and I am so disgusted until I can not see straight. What is the hold up? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As long as he thinks he has a chance it will not get any better. I want him to know that i want out and I want to be drama free and away from his guilt trips about our kids and my ss.

I am so sick of this mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I didn't ask for any of it!! and I do not deserve it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Just needed to vent to someone!

W2E

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> what's wrong with your attorney!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
sorry ... just needed to vent that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />