Thinking about Plan B/D - 11/22/09 10:58 PM
I don't know how many of you remember my story, because it all seems to have gotten deleted in the great MB meltdown, but I think I have finally reached my limit.
Here's a quick recap:
I discovered this summer (June) that H had had an affair three years before... at which time he had left me, told me I was annoying/fat/self-righteous, and said the breakup of our marriage was all my fault. I didn't know he was having an affair, and three months later, when he wanted to get back together, I thanked my lucky stars and tried to be a better wife. Went through a lot of PTSD-like symptoms and, after three years, finally thought we might make it after all. Then I discovered everything that he'd been lying about.
Among them:
> This summer, he went on a two-week graduate school residency, and when he came home, suddenly started sleeping with his cell phone under the bed and getting very possessive/angry whenever I asked about who he might be talking to.
> I found credit card statements for $200-$600 of porn a month, on a card he hides from me and will not let me see.
> I googled all the sites on the credit card statements, as best I could, and found that a lot of them are "barely legal" sites, and some (particularly one in Brazil) appear to be borderline child porn (6-11 y.o. girls, clothed, but in suggestive positions).
> I found out he has a former conviction for domestic battery against an ex-girlfriend, which he (of course) never told me about.
> Last week, he complained that I didn't wake him up on time, and I said, "well, we have two alarm clocks and I'm always running late. Why don't you set the second alarm and then you won't have to worry?" He got so angry with me that he ripped the alarm clock out of the wall and threw it several times against the bedroom wall, until it was smashed.
> I found a receipt for a passive GPS tracker, which I assume he was using to follow me.
> He has refused to talk about any of this and threatens me with divorce anytime I try to bring it up. He claims everything is my fault, not his.
I am sure these latest additions will surprise no one who read my original threads, because everyone pretty much warned me... I think I am finally in a place where I am feeling strong enough to do what I need to do... I think. I've been in a lot of counseling to get to this point. My IC has said that I need to deal with reality and stop living in the day-to-day seemingly-happy illusion. It's really hard to do that when, on the surface, everything looks okay. It makes me feel like maybe I'm crazy, or maybe it's not really that bad. But I am trying really hard to see this as it is, and not as I want it to be.
I know that what I'm thinking about really won't be a Plan B, or anything MB really. I just know that things can't stay like this forever. I'm feeling pretty low about everything and was hoping to come here and get some motivation to finally do what I need to do and to get some emotional support. (Turtlehead and Neak's mom already 2x4'd me a lot before. Thanks, by the way.)
Here's a quick recap:
I discovered this summer (June) that H had had an affair three years before... at which time he had left me, told me I was annoying/fat/self-righteous, and said the breakup of our marriage was all my fault. I didn't know he was having an affair, and three months later, when he wanted to get back together, I thanked my lucky stars and tried to be a better wife. Went through a lot of PTSD-like symptoms and, after three years, finally thought we might make it after all. Then I discovered everything that he'd been lying about.
Among them:
> This summer, he went on a two-week graduate school residency, and when he came home, suddenly started sleeping with his cell phone under the bed and getting very possessive/angry whenever I asked about who he might be talking to.
> I found credit card statements for $200-$600 of porn a month, on a card he hides from me and will not let me see.
> I googled all the sites on the credit card statements, as best I could, and found that a lot of them are "barely legal" sites, and some (particularly one in Brazil) appear to be borderline child porn (6-11 y.o. girls, clothed, but in suggestive positions).
> I found out he has a former conviction for domestic battery against an ex-girlfriend, which he (of course) never told me about.
> Last week, he complained that I didn't wake him up on time, and I said, "well, we have two alarm clocks and I'm always running late. Why don't you set the second alarm and then you won't have to worry?" He got so angry with me that he ripped the alarm clock out of the wall and threw it several times against the bedroom wall, until it was smashed.
> I found a receipt for a passive GPS tracker, which I assume he was using to follow me.
> He has refused to talk about any of this and threatens me with divorce anytime I try to bring it up. He claims everything is my fault, not his.
I am sure these latest additions will surprise no one who read my original threads, because everyone pretty much warned me... I think I am finally in a place where I am feeling strong enough to do what I need to do... I think. I've been in a lot of counseling to get to this point. My IC has said that I need to deal with reality and stop living in the day-to-day seemingly-happy illusion. It's really hard to do that when, on the surface, everything looks okay. It makes me feel like maybe I'm crazy, or maybe it's not really that bad. But I am trying really hard to see this as it is, and not as I want it to be.
I know that what I'm thinking about really won't be a Plan B, or anything MB really. I just know that things can't stay like this forever. I'm feeling pretty low about everything and was hoping to come here and get some motivation to finally do what I need to do and to get some emotional support. (Turtlehead and Neak's mom already 2x4'd me a lot before. Thanks, by the way.)