My husband's affair has turned me into another woman. I find myself having really bad thoughts about them both. I'm angry, resentful and revengeful. I find myself wanting to tell my husband bad things about the OW, even if it means creating lies, to make her look bad. I want him to feel like the fool he is or was for destroying our 26 years of marriage. I want him to feel the same pain that he has caused me. I want him to pay. But guess what, I wasn't this type of person 6 months ago. The affair was only 2 months with 2 sexual encounters, but I want them both to pay. I want to see them experience the pain that they have caused me.

I spy on him constantly. Even when he is in the bathroom. I don't trust him out of my sight. I have sense enough to know that I can't watch him for the rest of my life. I find myself wanting to get in touch with the OW and talk to her to see what else I can find out. To see if she's waiting for us to break up so she can walk in. But my husband has told me that I keep her alive in our relationship more then he does. He says we have to strave her (memory wise) in order for her to die. I find myself thinking about her everyday, what they did and how they did it.

For the life of me, I still can't believe my husband cheated on me. I keep thinking that I'm having a dream and I will wake up any minute. This man was the most trusting man you could find. Great husband, father, father in law, grandfather and son. What happen? I keep believing that maybe she put a spell on him. Have I been blind and not paying attention to what was going on right in my face. I promise, I'll never let him or any man cheat on me again.

Somewhat. But, my core personality is the same. I am friendly and get along with folks. I like who I am.
The main thing that has change is that I know so much about cheating, now. I can spot it and the red flags in those types that are cheaters and abusers. Some of these folks seem pretty attractive. But, I feel now that I can spot them and stay away.

well, nearly at my 2 year d-day mark and my changes are:
I dont believe that M is permanent anymore
I am not as generally as happier a person as I used to be
I have less self confidence

and a bunch of other stuff.

Here is a link to post traumatic stress and how it impacts on the BS after infidelity

Really new here, just found this site a few days ago and am just a few days removed from D-day.

Yes, I'm changed and will do everything in my power to make sure it's permanent. I haven't had a drop to drink since D-Day and have committed mysleft to meeting her emotional needs. Turns out I was making massive love bank withdrawals, but event worse, I managed to twist around what I thought were deposits into larger withdrawals because of my overbearing and negative personality.

My world has been turned upside down, so why not give it a big shakeup while we're at it.

{{{{{26years}}}}},

Welcome to MB. I am sorry for what has happened to you. I will tell you though everything you are feeling and thinking is NORMAL.

You have been dealt with an experience that can be as traumatic than rOe or losing a child.

Can you tell us a little bit more about your situation though? How long ago did you find out (aka Dday)?

How did you find out?
Who is the OW ( other woman)?
Is she married and if so does her husband know?
Does she work with your H, live close by?

We can help you get through this but it won't be easy. Your marriage CAN survive and be better than ever.

Stick around and know that there are MANY on here (including me!!!... ) that have been where you are. We know your pain and sorrow.....hang in there

(((26years)))

not2fun

My husband's behavior, for a very brief minute made me doubt God. I thought how could God allow this to happen to me, I've always been a pretty good girl. Don't drink, smoke, party, sleep around. Raised with great christian morals and values. Never mistreated anyone and I'm surrounded by great people. So why me? I now look at people who I think have great marriages and wonder "is she going through the same thing". I put on the face when we go out in public, I act as if everything is just great. People still compliment us on our successful marriage and life in general. Boy if they only knew what I've been putting up with. We can potentially devestate so many people if they found out. I think about the old saying that all men are dogs, I kinda believe that now. Is there any good men out there? I mean if my man cheated, I believe any man would.

I guess I just want a quick fix to the pain and memories. But I have to accept the fact that there isn't one.

Sure - it's turned me into a smarter and hopefully better human being. I now know a lot more about what it takes to have a successful long term relationship with another person.

Will I ever be able to see my wife the same way? Probably not.But I don't know for sure if it will be for better or worse. She made a huge mistake. IF we get over this and end up as a happily married couple, she may very well end up being a better person for it too, in which case I'll see in a better way.

So I guess the answer to the question is that the affair has turned both of us into someone else. Neither of us will ever be the same again.

Well, my wife has had several EA's during our 7 years. I think the one thing it has changed me, is that I'm now very good at picking up the signs when it happens and can usually catch it before it turns into something that's difficult to intervene. I think it's made me a little jealous too, I've found that I get suspicious when any man contacts her, even if I know its an old friend.

I'm with Lil

Single

26y,

""want a quick fix to the pain and memories""

Sorry, but it is going to be a SLOW fix.

You just signed up so Dday must not be to far removed. The first 3 months you are in shock, with your feelings, movies in your head, imagination, etc. bouncing around your head at the speed of light.

Anti-depressants could be a help to you. I took Lexipro and it leveled out the huge swings and ups & downs of the roller coaster. Takes awhile to kick in, so if this could be an option for you get to your doc.

Sounds like your H is remorseful and wanting to make it all better. This is a very good thing, so you got one thing going for you.

Try to get enough sleep, exercise to exhaustion, eat right, lay off the sauce and take care of yourself.

You can get through it. Kinda like one day at a time.

Come here a post as much as you want. This is a good place to vent, ask questions, get guidence etc.

Stay strong.

kirk

I totally agree with Linus' comments.

I keep in mind that the line, "Neither of us will ever be the same again" does NOT necessarily correlate to each of us being WORSE. Different can just as easily translate into us being BETTER people. In a BETTER relationship. Experiencing life on BETTER terms.

TB

I no longer say that the grass is green and the sky is blue because I have no faith in the grass or the sky or colors for that matter.

Reva, you will again, dont worry...it just takes a while, but you will....

26y, it will get better for you too...unfortunately you have to go through the pain there is NO way around it....but it will get better I promise.

Not2Fun, here is my story. I posted it in another thread. Trust me, it would be a great Life Time Movie. There are two Post, so get ready to read.

New to the forum, but will try to make a long story short. Last year, my husband of 26 years cheated on me with a woman at my church. First off he has lied so much until I can't keep count. I Love him and believes that he loves me but just got way too involved with conversating with this woman. The met last year and one night he saw her at the store and they begin talking and next thing you know, about 2 weeks later, he's in the back seat of her car having sex. Here is a list of his lies.
Lie about who she was
lie about the color of the car
Lie and said she didn't have an organsim, supposedly to make me feel better
Lie about flaws in her body
All contact was stopped and we went to another church
Promised to never speak to her again, however she begin calling and texting my phone on January 3. He got upset about it and called her to fuss her out.

After he calm down, they continued talking and next thing you know she volunteers to buy him a phone and leave it outside at the old church for him to pick up. He did just that. They talked everyday about 3 times a day for a week before i found the phone. The length and times of the conversation was verified because I looked in the phones and saw the phone log for incoming and out going calls. He said he accepted the phone because he needed someone to talk to because of my constant bickering about the incident.

I admit, every single day we were up to like 2 or 3 in the morning discussing the entire incident. I've called him every name in the book and have bashed him like crazy. This woman is easy to talk to and is a good listner as I even found myself talking to her for hours about the affair. Even after i knew it was her. They both said I never stopped talking about her thus keeping the affair alive instead of killing it. I had to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the affair, especialy the sex part. Why, I don't know. Thing is, I just don't know how to ever trust him again. I would often call the woman and ask her questions and when the difer from what he said, even the slightist way, I'd go and start an argument with him, this is the way we've spent the last 5 months. Daily arguring brought on by me and my need to know the exact truth.

I know men tell stories different then women, so i can understand it. I feel some what responsible for him calling her to fuss her out because of me. But the fact that he accepted the cell phone just to have someone to talk to because I forbidded him to talk to his parents so he said he had no one else. We are still together after me leaving a few times, but always returning. I feel like I should leave him because I can't trust him. Thing is, how do you leave someone that you love sooooo much and have built a 26 year life with. We've been with each other longer then we've been with our parents.

The OW even told me that he told her he loves me and will never leave me. The OW is married as well and her husband knows, we've all talked. He knows because I told her if she didn't tell him I would. Should I leave or stay? Talking about it everyday was that a bit much? I felt I never got the full story, I did go over board. Now I live with what if someone finds out. I don't know what to do, I think we should relocate but he says he doesn't want to move. I know this story is all over the place, but there has been so many lies, tears and pain.

He told some of the lies to protect me from even more pain. I explained that lying is never the right route to take regardless. The OW and I have talked. My thing is, I talked to her this past saturday and he got upset once again and I left the house to get some air. During which time he called her and yelled at her and hug up on her. So I came home and I was there about 20 minutes and next thing you know his cell phone rings and it's her. He wouldn't answer it, next thing we know he receives a text that said OUTSIDE!!!!! So I'm like, she's outside of our house, I open the front door and she was there. She saw me and pulled off. i called her and she said she came by to tell her said of the story and he wouldn't even allow her that chance because he hung up on her before she could say anything so without thinking, she was heated and jumped and her car to come over to tell him off. He seemed shocked as I was that she was there and said he didn't tell her to come he just fussed her out about, once again talking to me. I've decided to not talk to her anymore because the more I do, the more arguments break out and that's why we are not healing like we should. What do you all think, I know it's long please forgive me

If you don't know my story, read the post titled "Am I being stupid" (something like that).

POST #2
Yes, I've come to the conclusion that I am stupid. This past Saturday I found the cell phone that she bought him in his underwear. Long story short, we had went to the store and I kept having this naggin feeling that something wasn't right. He sat in the car at first, then he got out and his pants was zipped down. I said to him, your pants are zipped down. So we left the store and got ready to get on the highway and something kept telling me to touch his groin area, I did and he jumped like he was scared. So I told him to lift up a little and I kept feeling until I felt the cell phone. He had just gotten it back from her, she left if for him outside of our office. He called her from a payphone and told her to leave it so they can talk. The affair right now is just emotional, they haven't seen each other, he hasn't been alone long enough to do that. He used a payphone at a store while we were in the store to tell her to leave the cell phone at the office. I've been on him like white on rice, no outside trips alone. Now in our home, it's a 4 bedroom house and pretty large so he has been sneaking away to call her for comfort. It's just the conversation with her that draws him to her. She listens and never disagrees with him so inturn he thinks she Miss goody twoshoe. I've been difficult since the affair took place so he finds peace with her. I called her and she states that she hasn't seen him and she dropped the phone off at the office because he is on lock down as she describes it. I told her she could have him and I told him to leave. He declares that he loves me and doesn't want to be with her. I told her to come get him and she refuses and said that she doesn't want him and had the nerve to encourage me to stay with him. We are still under the same roof, but I just need the guts to leave. His parents even gave him an ultimatum. They told him if he sees her again.....well I wont said what they said they would do, but it's pretty serious. So, I guess I am stupid for being in love with a man who has feelings for another woman and seems like he has to talk to her. This time instead of mailing her the cell phone back, I dropped it in water and threw it away. This is the second time she has left him a cell phone outside of his office. The first time was at her suggestion the second time was his idea. So what do you do when there is no sex, but an emotional attachement which in my opinion may be worse. I know I know, yall told me so. I thought things were going so well, I really did. Now he DECLARES he's done with her. Thing is, are you done because of what your parents said or are you done because you really want to be with me. I told his parents I would give it one last try, however, I don't know from one second to the next if I'm gonna stay with him. Now I don't even trust him in the bathroom alone. Yesterday I literally talked and yell at him all day, and that's not healthy. I am preparing myself for another surprise, I just cant shake the feeling that they are still talking some how. Her and I texted each other for 2 hours this morning. Her saying she can't explain how she feels about him and how we should "work it out". How hypocritical.

I know the story is all over the place. Hopefully I didn't confuse anyone, if I did, just ask me to verify and I will.

you really don't know how lucky you are, My husband of 25 years left and never came back, it has been over a year and he is living with her, his high school girlfriend.

Yeah, My WH moved out almost two years ago...I would have loved the chance for Recovery.

Yes, I'm now this angry bitter woman that my friends and I used to talk about. I used to be fun loving. It's been difficult for me to appreciate the small things in life because I feel so wronged.

How the affair has changed me (all for the better)

1. I am prettier (had let myself go a bit before)
2. I am wiser (was always but it tweaked it up even more)
3. Am more compassionate to people in general (I tear up easily and was a stoic person before)
4. I am more busy (busy hands are happy hands!)

Funny this subject.
The first experiance I had with affair was when 1st wife left me when we were 20 yrs old. She was sweetheart at 16 and we got married at 18. I was devestated, couldn't eat,sleep. WE got back together after a couple weeks but We divorced at 22.
I decided that I would not take fidelity seriuos then untill I got married again.

Second marriage at 28 was to a woman who had some issues and I overlooked her little "moments of weakness" for a couple years and when I finally gave up, she straightened out. I tried to be a "bigger person" and all kinds of BS that was really just a way for me to insulate myself from the pain. It seemed that every time things had a chance to get better or were getting there she would screw up (serial screwups)and hope was dashed.
I stayed for the children and for the dim hope that someday in the future we would get it together. There was just to much to overcome in our marriage and life itself I guess. I can tell you we worked hard, maybe just not smart.


So The affair(s) changed me by making me more callous and expecting less in the way of faithfulness,communication,and trust. There was so many things we could have shared besides our children and I still loved many things about her.

I don't think I could ever believe in another relationship that required commitment now. Its Ok because now I am wiser and not bitter. I know some ppl make it and are blessed with a life partner and I know its possible. At my age ,(52), and with DD25 DS22 DS19 and grandchild I have a lot to be happy for and our children are SO much better off than we were. In that we did well. So Dad is around for them. You never stop being a parent.

Through the years when wife would "slip up" and I would look the other way after awhile I had to develop a relationship with hope. I learned to talk to God and stand with Him more than ever before.

Its the only thing that kept me from bitterness

Ok,,,,I guess I never did quite answer the question.....

Yes the affair changed me.....

I lost my nieveness (sp)...which wasn't a bad thing. I always looked for the good in people, gave away trust much too easily. But really, that was bad...I lost my deep trust in my H...but that too is okay with me.

But mostly, the affair has changed me for the better...

I am no longer lost in the deep anxiety and depression that plagued me for so long pre-A.

I am taking great care of myself...
I have learned to love me, warts and all....(ok, I would still love a new set of legs...but hey, what's a girl to do.... )
I am CONFIDENT...in myself, my beliefs, my integrity
I know that I am a strong, STRONG woman....If I can get through the ACTIVE A, I can do ANYTHING!!!!
I am a much more compassionate person....and empathetic

And yes, I did have anger....deep seeded, wrenching your gut ANGER. But getting it out by means of Angry Outbursts, Sarcasism, and DJ's just wasn't working for me....nor for those around me....

I have learned to state my boundaries and follow through on the consequences when other trespass those boundaries. I have also learned to give forgiveness to those who do....(and just because I FORGIVE those who have wronged me, doesn't mean I have to let them back into my life......)

I have learned how to have an AMAZING marriage, what Emotional Needs are and how to meet them, and learned what my own NEEDS are. I am, however, still learning on how to state them to others....WORK IN PROGRESS....

But in all honesty, I know that the A has changed my H as well. I said this during the affair, and it still rings true today. The pain and damage he caused me, our children, and our family does not transend the the damaged he caused himself.

And all in all, I would not WANT to go back to the person I was pre-A. I wasn't a bad person by any means, nor did I ever do anything to deserve what I got.....BUT, I grew more during this period of my life than at any other time....and to me, that is worth its weight in gold....

(((((MB'ers))))))

not2fun

26yrs,
How has my H's affair changed me/
-I no longer trust anyone.
-I no longer see myself as a successful person, wife, and
mother.
-I am now a hater and have a white hot burning hatred for
for the OW.
-I have become a great pretender--pretending that I don't
think about the affair every hour of the day. I put on
smile when resentment overcomes me, all this so as not
to make my H feel more badly about his behavior than he
already does.
-I am more affectionate to my H because I need him, and
he needs me.
-I read less and cuddle more.
-I watch my tone of voice more carefully than before.
-Both FWH and I are very attuned to each other's needs.

Most of the changes have made me a better wife, but............

GY

Yes, Naploeon Bonaparte.

I was just reading that Cleopatra and Josephine (Napoleon's paramour) are considered classic examples of women with personality disorders.

Congratulations, Zelmo. Your picker hasn't changed a bit!

I take it that I now should add that I have a personality disorder??? And I thought I was doing quite well. After almost a year of support on this forum, I'm shocked to have been spoken about so cruelly.

Bump for review by Z and Fred in VA.

I'm sorry GY, I'm not following you. My response to Zelmo was not directed at anyone else. If I offended you, I apologize.

How has been a BS changed me -

- I know now that what ever happens I will be OK. If I can survive resurrecting my M and live thru the pain of a betrayal that broke my heart, I can live thru and heal thru any fire that engulfs me.

- I am more awake and involved in the course that my life is taking. No more sleep walking thru life, it�s like some one turned on the lights and I realized that I was walking in the dark with no sense of where the path I was on or where I was headed.

- I no longer believe in the fantasy of happily ever after as an automatic default thing for a Marriage. It�s something you work at and achieve not something that will automatically happen.

- I believe that if my DH chooses to solve our marital problems by having an(other) A then he is a fool and I feel sorry for him that he will not have learned any lessons from this painful journey.

- Nothing is for ever (and that�s OK).



My H's affair broke my heart and I never thought that he was capable of intentionally causing me so much pain. I have grown to realize that he was not intent on causing me pain but rather his focus was more on HIM and not on me at all.
He did nothing to me, What ever he did he did to and for himself.
I don�t really hold OW responsible for my pain, for what its worth I can see that she was also simply looking for happiness of her own. Again she did nothing to me what ever she did she did to and for herself.
Its been a difficult healing process for me and looking back at myself 20 months ago on D day I could not ( and did not believe) those FBS�s who had moved past the pain.
I figured may be their WH was not as nice man as mine is, maybe they are not really soul mates , may be their love was not so strong as ours and therefore their betrayal was perhaps easier for them to overcome. None of that is infact reality. IMHO all HUMAN BEINGS are flawed and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US is capable of committing Adultery.
You can work thru it and you can emerge on the other side still standing.
20 months later I am still standing and on most days finding something in my life to smile about.

THAT, my friend, was simply beautiful!!!!!.....you said everything I was TRYING to say.....you will fare well....

((((((26, Red, Sorting, and others)))))))

I am sorry for your pain....I know where you all are at.....my prayers to you all as you walk this journey.....

not2fun

26years,

I'm not sure where I belong on MBs because I have never been able to find out the truth about whether or not my husband had an A, but I'm convinced he did. Nothing indicates it was a PA but I think it was an EA, possibly on his part mainly. He is still denying it, 6 years later. With that said, I would like to now add to this thread.

I could be known as 36years and this probable EA occurred after 30 of them. Up to that point, I believed I was the only woman my husband was ever interested in - because that's what he told me. I have changed immensely after finding out he has lied to me on many occasions - and the change has not been for the good.

I feel like my marriage has been nothing but a lie. My husband will do anything to avoid an argument and now I wonder how many other things he has lied about all these years. I can look back now and see that there were times I questioned things in my mind but then just basically put them aside, thinking he would never do anything to hurt our marriage. So, I have been very suspicious of everything.

I also hate to add that I am becoming a man hater. (Sorry to the wonderful men on this list. I should say a man hater of 99% of them.) I'm tired of hearing that men are "wired" to look at other women and all the other excuses society has come up with for them. My husband does not openly stare at other women (at least when he's with me), but I'm tired of spending a couple of hours getting ready to go somewhere and then having some bimbo walk in with all of her body parts hanging out and have every man in the place checking her out because "they can't help it". I'm realizing that woman are not allowed to get old in this world. Men - yes. Women - no.

I know I'm venting here - hope that's okay! I'm really trying to not become a bitter old woman, but I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me after many, many years.

Shadows

Yes....the innocence of our marriage is gone. We married at 17 and 19, I thought we were one of the very very few couples that had only been with each other their entire lives, (I did have sex with one girl twice in high school however). Actually that innocence has been nuked away.

Trust is gone. I wonder how much coming on by another male would it take, mixed in with a few drinks, would it take for my wife to fall back into her old habits?

I used to think that once my wife and I both passed on and went to heaven, that we would be together in heaven, for eternity, (I know this sounds corny to some, but its how I felt). Now I wonder if she would remarry, and would she want to be with him in heaven, or maybe even one of those other 5 guys...?

I always thought it was she and I ONLY, now I don't freaken know what to think about anything.

After you've been cheated on, it's such a violation. I feel raped, disrespected and just dog on right out raged. Out raged that the person that I've been sleeping next too for 26 years could do such a thing. I keep asking HOW?? I pray that I get over this asap, I don't have a year, or three to five years. I'm so difficult to deal with until, I don't care if it's driving him crazy. It's sad to say but it's like I want him to suffer and feel the same pain as I do. I want him to feel pain, and I want the OW to feel pain as well. I've never been this type of person, but look what he turned me into. I know I don't have control over what people do to me, but I do have control over what I do to others

26years, have you seen references to the "Karma Bus" on this site?

I believe that in the long run, an affair takes a bigger toll on those involved than it does on the betrayed spouse. It may not seem like it, at first. But that's what I believe.

The numbers seem to bear me out. Do you know what percentage of marriages born out an affair survive to five years?

Three percent.

People who engage in affairs have to live with the knowledge that they have cheated, broken vows, lied, and hurt people and destroyed families. Even the most brain-addled participant can't escape the truth of their actions. Those who feel no remorse or have no conscience are, by definition, psychopaths. And we are better off without psychopaths in our lives...

In my story, I told of speaking with a man who said he'd had an affair in 1980. When asked what happened, he told me he'd married the woman and had been married to her for 25 years. Yet he was not happy. He was ashamed of his actions and had carried his guilt with him for a quarter of a century!

That's the Karma Bus. Sometimes it arrives quickly. Sometimes it takes a while. But it has its schedule, and it ALWAYS arrives.

You bet your a$$ that I'm hurt, torn apart, betrayed and devastated. But I also see what my WW has wound up with: an impotent, married man whose wife won't grant him a divorce, who moved out of her dream home to rent a small, unfurnished apartment, having to look for a menial job just to pay her bills. Does she regret the consequences of her actions? I have no idea. I suspect not, but she's not "normal," either.

One of the affirmations I have (copied and pasted from a post on here) is this:

Yes, I believe in the Karma Bus, just hopes it shows up soon. Somehow I want him to see the OW for who she really is. It seems as if he doesn't believe me when I tell him stuff about her. The internet is an amazing tool. I did a search on her and come to find out she is a convicted felon. The charge was giving a false name to a police officer while driving around with a 6 months expired tag. She wears alot of makeup, therefore my Husband has never seen her without it, and I have. Trust me, it's not a pretty site. He always told me I was prettier then her, however she's about 15 pounds smaller then I am and I guess that's what did it. His family will never ever accept her, she is totally on a different level then he is. She works at Burger King, I mean really. Not saying that there is anything wrong with working at Burger King because I like Burger King. We have our own business and she has 3 kids with different fathers and is living part time with a guy that she claims is her husband. However when I did research on that, she's not married. She's a total looser and some how he fail for her. My husband is very, very attractive. Not bragging or boasting, but seriously he is a very handsome man. So why would he even settle for her, I guess you've got to see her to get the point. I guess these are one of those things in life that I will never, ever understand.

26yrs,

You are dealing with on-going contact. These feelings will not even BEGIN to subside until the affair is over and NO CONTACT is established. And even after that it takes time......(((((26yrs))))))

As far as the HOW???....Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? It discusses at great length the how aspect. You will still question this from time to time, but once you UNDERSTAND the how, learning to accept it becomes easier.

There are still days nearly 2 yrs later and 20 months into Recovery that I still wonder how, but then I remember the addiction, the lessening of his boundaries, our awful M pre-A, and really I do know "how".....

Not2fun

In some ways yes.

{{{{{26 years}}}}}

Recovery is tough, the early days are especially tough, but remember that recovery only starts when NC is established. Broken NC wasn't something I had to endure and I can only imagine the excruciating pain of it.

The ways I have changed...

I was way too naive and way too trusting of people. The A has opened my eyes. I thought that if you were a nice person that other people wouldn't do things to harm you.

I now understand that there are broken people who don't give a moment's thought to the harm they inflict on others.

I now place a much higher value on my M. Not that I didn't value it before D-Day, but I certainly took it for granted.

I now accept what all my elders told me - that you have to work at a M. Somehow, I thought my M was different and would work out without any effort, and that those who had to "work" to have a good M must somehow have picked the wrong partner. I now also see that the "work" doesn't have to be a chore. I actually enjoy working with my H to build a good M.

My self esteem has been seriously boosted. I appreciate all that I am and work on my faults. Before D-Day, I focused on all that I wasn't and didn't see the good in me. I look at my FWH in a similar way.

I've learned how horrible LB'ers can be and I've accepted that I was capable of some pretty big ones pre D-Day. I own my 50% share of the faults in our M that weakened it. I've learned that however ingrained your LB'ers are, they can be eliminated.

I've learned that good loving people can make terrible mistakes but that they are redeemable and that it can be strength not weakness that allows a BS to give a WS the opportunity to make amends.

I've accepted that however much my FWH hurt me, he hurt himself far more.

You can fix that which is broken and you can love again, even if in the early days you see little hope.

How you're feeling now 26years won't be how you're feeling in a years time. If you have a plan, a MB plan, you could be building a new and improved M.

Good luck on your journey. {{{{{26 YEARS}}}}}

IMHO your H has probably moved on from OW far more than you have.
WHY do you have the urge to speak with OW ?
What can she tell you that will heal you ?
If she tells they only did it 3 times and it was not to great will you go home with a smile?
If she says I am over you WH will you belive her ?
If she says Yes I am just waiting for you M to fail so I can get my claws on your WH will you claw her eyes out?
Will any of that give your personal or Marital rcovery?

IMHO contact with OW for you especially of that nature will only add another negative memory in your brain that you now have to overcome.

How does what OW want in life impact what you want?

The M is made of you and WH, and as long as you include her in your M she will never go away.

I am not sure you are ready to hear this but I will say it any way cause thats how I see OWs.

I dont think they wake up one morning and think how can I hurt a BS today. They wake up and think how can I get what I want today. Am I desperate enough to take it from a WH even though I know they belong to some one else and what I am getting from them may terminate if they decide to go back to their BS.

While she is trying to get what she needs in life her focus is on eliminating you from the picture. Meanwhile while you are trying to recover your M while making the mistake of working hard at making her a permanent fixture in your mind.

Think about that and re-set your thoughts and focus on eliminating her from your thoughts,your life and your M.

I absolutely do not trust women any longer, period.

I am convinced the church is nothing but a bunch of sanctimonious hypocrites.

Some women can't be trusted but some can.
Some churches are a bunch of sanctimonious hypocrites but some aren't.

I hate to see someone feeling this way ---- but I totally get it.
A walk through life is like walking on a frozen pond--you never know when you might step on thin ice. To stop walking however, isn't an option. You just have to choose your paths wisely and move around obstacles with determination.

We hit that thin ice and fell in....if you're like me you're pissed that you fell in and now you've got to start out again all cold and wet. But the positive in this is that we know to watch for that thin ice!

Fred and Zelmo,
OMG, I have officially gone 'round the bend!!! I now realize that Zelmo and then you were not responding to my response on this thread as it appeared to me. How paranoid I have become!!! PLEASE FORGIVE MY TIRADE AGAINST YOU. I promise to be a better MB forum member. Please forgive me.
GY

Very well said wannamoveforward, I agreed that I spend way too much time thinking about her, my H told me the same thing. I gotta let her go and move on. I know that there is a NC letter for the WH to send to the OW. Is there a letter for the BS to send to the OW. I want to send her a "this is the end" letter. What do you all think about that?

I personally do not want either myself or H having contact with OW once NC letter is sent.

Funny you should say that.
I did write a letter to OW saying "good bye"

I wanted to send it but it did not get sent.
I am glad I wrote it
I am glad I did not send it.
There was no need to.

I think writing a letter to OW for YOUR EYES ONLY will help you a lot in your personal recovery. Heck write 10 letters of you need to. Write a novel if you must. Stop writing when it no longer remains important to you that you do that.

26yrs,

Please, do NOT buy into this line of BU77CHIT.....Your H has NO RIGHT to tell you this. NONE...NADA....ZIP....

His last contact was made what, 2 weeks ago, with a hidden cell-phone in his UNDERWEAR!!!!Give me a friggin break.....

The reason she is forfront on your mind is because there is STILL CONTACT. She is there because HE is putting her there, not you. And this will not lessen UNTIL contact has ceased. Each and every contact he has with her puts YOU (and him...but that's a whole nother issue) back at square 1. Do not let him or anyone else tell you anything different. What you are feeling and thinking is normal, considering the HUGE attack his affair has done to you.....



This will NOT happen until NO CONTACT has been established and followed for quite some time. And not before. It took me a WHOLE YEAR before she was not taking up precious brain cells. It wasn't until 18 months until the thought of her induced nothing in me, except pity maybe. You will work THROUGH your feelings about her, but not until NO CONTACT has been established between your WH and her.

This is your WH's job. He is the one to send an NC letter, written by him and approved and sent by YOU. As you have seen in the past, talking, writing, T.M. this ho is nothing more than a waste of breathe. I agree about writing her a letter for YOU, but not for you to give her. Heck, write her every day if you have to (to ease your anger with her....), but don't give that OW anything else of yourself.....

(((26yrs))))

I do feel for you....I know where you are, and its tough. oh....

and my advice to anyone on how to deal with the anger, take a kickboxing class. Pretend the OW's face is the bag (or your WH...whomever is angering you the most that day...). The class will help reduce your stress, alieve aggression, and as an added bonus, it gets you in shape.....better than any IC, if you ask me.....

not2fun

Ok, my husband has done the NC letter and I mailed it off. Well, we both were at the post office but I dropped it in the slot. So, I shouldn't write her a letter? Thing is I did, but I read these comments first and changed my mind. There are some things that I just want her to know. Things I never got to tell her. I just want this last opportunity to tell her off, sorry but that's the truth. I'll tell her off in a nice way. I want her to know that she was stupid for ever thinking he would leave me, he even told her that would never happen but some how I think she wished he would. I want her to know that she can never replace 26 years of memories. She could never replace the memories of us traveling all over the world, our most recent trip in November to Hawaii. I just want to rub it in her face. So, I shouldn't? Come one, somebody tell me I can send this letter, just the final chapter in the book. Honestly, if you all think I shouldn't send it, then I wont.

Don't send it.

"Letters I've written, never meaning to send..."
--Knights in White Satin, Moody Blues

OW is the last person you want cluttering up your mind. Focus on your H, your M and yourself. Not necessarily in that order.

Thanks Fred in VA, as much as I don't want to, I'll rip it up.

Here's a shortened version:

You lose! But losers always do.

All Blessings,
Jerry

What do you hope to achieve by sending it ?

Are you expecting an " I am so sorry , thanks for making me see how foolish I was " letter back ?

Write it , burn it!
Write another one when we feel differently in a few weeks and burn that too.
Write and burn until you have nothing left to write about.

I don't know why I want to send it. I guess there is so much that I never got to say to her that I want to say. Just for selfish gain and pleasure I guess. I want her to hurt, and I feel if I send the letter and the contents in it, she'll feel a little more pain. Sad isn't it? I'm not even that type of person, or shall I say I never use to be this type of person. I just want to say goody goody, where is he now? When was the last time you saw him? I just want to rub a few things in her face. But, again I will not send it if you all think I shouldn't.

Yep, parts of me are "someone else" and parts are the same.

The parts that are different..

I don't trust people anymore

I don't have a genuine smile anymore; I try to smile around the kids and WH but it's fake

I don't believe in love anymore and wish I didn't still love my H who pretty much died in Iraq

I lost all hope for the future; used to be on the National honor roll and now have pretty much dropped out my senior year of college and I can't imagine ever trusting or loving again. I feel like all our dreams have been shattered, and I will live alone forever (by choice).

The things that are the same...

I don't look at other men in a sexual way; I really never noticed when men were supposedly hitting on me. I still don't. The thought disguists me.

My heart is still very raw and pure; I've always worn my heart on my sleeve

I'm still very honest, sometimes brutally

I'm still empathetic to others; maybe moreso now.

I still have faith; although I nearly lost it.
.
Sorry it's all so negative, but it is what it is.

I don't know OW, so I'm not surprised by her actions, but my H....I just don't understand at all. Our family and I were everything to him; the him deep inside.

I think even if he came back and we worked on our marriage and made it the best marriage ever; I'd never truly be the same. Our marriage would be better and that is what I pray for, but I don't think scars like this ever heal.

You know what, not only has the affair turned me into someone else, but it has also turne my husband into someone else. It's like he's not the same honest man that I married 26 years ago. Does anyone believe in evil spirits being cast on your spouse to make them do what they did? I think I'm going to make a post about that. Just curious.

Wow! You expressed exactly how I feel. I am definitely someone else since the affair and I don't like the person I have become. I used to be cheerful and happy go lucky and I want to get that back.

Now though, I don't trust my husband anymore;
don't believe in love anymore;
wish I didn't love my husband;
dread the future;
feel that life sucks;
can't imagine ever trusting again;
feel that my dreams have been shatterred;
am very insecure;
and though I am a one man woman, I feel that
I was never meant to have a one woman man.

We are trying to work things out so I put on a fake smile and hide my pain so as not to distress my FWH who feels badly enough already. What a mess!

Very nice Sure! I feel your pain, I only wish my H felt badly about all this too...Maybe he will someday. Not that I want him to feel badly necessarily, but it would at least reassure me of his love; something I yearn for so much right now, but as of now there is only a void.

Don't send it.

You will just open the door for contact again.

She is not worth it.

Do not return evil for evil. Take the high road.

If your WS allowed evil into your lives, that was his choice. He has to own that.

The evil that was the ow was allowed because of his choices. It's not a spell. He followed the wayward handbook. All WS lie, and do things they would never do. He is typical and normal for someone in an affair, and made choices that allowed these things to happen.

You are shifting responsibility off of him when you think that he was under a spell. Not the case. Just an alien like the rest of WS.

Try to focus on the 26 years you have had. Are you going to let a short amount of time where it was really bad dictate your future? It will get better, and hopefully you will have a better marriage using MB principals.

Your H is getting better, and these things take time. Don't give into hate and vengeance. It will eat away at you and not be good for your recovery. We all hate ow. But you can't change them, you can only change yourself, own up to your own mistakes and do your best to have an even better M.

Don't choose to put yourself at that level. Get up every day and think of what you have to be thankful for, and what blessings you do have.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Don't mean to sound harsh.

The ow in my situation had no conscience, and was never remorseful, and stalked me after the A ended.

It took around 6 months or so for my H to see her for what she really was, and to come to a place where he realized the damage he did not just to me, but our children.

He sucked it up and took it from our DD, she was really, really angry. It took her about 4 years before she forgave him and she gave him h e double hockey sticks for a long time.

They are now very close, and we have healed.

This does change you, I will never let my guard down again. But we are happier than we have ever been, and my H has really grown and is a much better man who has come to grips with a lot of things.

When you spend your time obsessing about ow, it gives them power over you. Don't let this change you into a bitter person.

It's really hard stuff, recovery. Focus on recovery. Your H is back on board and will come around. You will never forget, but you will be able to reach forgiveness of your WS as recovery moves along.

It takes awhile.

I wish you the best, you are WORTHY.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

So lets say you send such a letter
How will you know if she is hurt by such a letter or laughs at your for thinking you have won a victory.

Will you spend the next x years wondering how she felt when he got the letter ?
Waiting for a response in some form that confirms that your letter has done its intended job.

How long before you give you waiting to see signs of remorse from her.
Cause thats how long you will continue to keep her alive in your M.

I am different but better in many ways.

I don't run away from confrontation.
I think daily about how I can show intentional love to my DH.
I know how strong I am now.
I am sure that my faith will see me through any crisis.
I don't blindly trust my DH and I am learning to accept that.
I am much more in tune with my DH's state of mind and will call him on wrongful thinking or question him if I'm unsure.


26 years, I too wanted to send a letter to the OW, especially after she wrote me asking for forgiveness. I wanted to let her know that she hurt more than just me; she hurt my kids, my friends. That I did forgive her but I wanted her to learn something from this, just like I know my DH learned alot the hard way. But after talking to a number of people, I realized she didn't want to hear it, wouldn't listen and would be unaffected by my effort. I can't change her. I don't even want to try anymore. I didn't write the letter.

26years, sending a letter is the equivalent of sending an "explanation" even if the letter is full of "you are a _____". It serves no purpose other than to give her more material to mock you with. However, sending nothing shows her that she isn't even worth an explanation - far more insulting and painful. The former acknowledges her as a thinking, feeling human being, albeit a horrible one. The latter doesn't even give her that much credit.

Every time you feel the urge to send the letter, resist and know that your resistance is what's causing her pain.

Hi 26years. I totally agree with all those who responded that you should not send such a letter. Keep writing them as long as they help release your anger and bitterness then destroy them. Hopefully, in time, the anger will dissipate (that is what I hope for). I understand where you are coming from. Our situations are quite similar. What happened still shocks me as it was totally out of character for my husband as well. I could have sworn my wonderful man would never stray. Guess I just had him on some pedestal! Reality is, he made a huge mistake and since I have chosen to forgive him and work on healing our marriage to become better than ever, I need to push the OW out of my mind and concentrate on recovery.

The advice you have received from so many in this regard really helps me too. Our anger and bitterness toward the OW only hurts us, not the OW. So when I find myself obsessing about the "#*%?" and conjuring up the most obscene, disgusting adjectives to describe her and the most painfull experiences I wish upon her I say STOP! and remind myself that my FWH is with me, has nothing to do with her and is doing all he can to make it up to me. This way I obsess less and less and maybe some day the thought of her will evoke no feelings whatsoever and eventually there will be no thought of her at all.

Questions for all you recovered BS's: Is this realistic? Does a time ever come when the OW no longer enters your thoughts or at the very least, if she does, does it happen without evoking anger, bitterness or pain?

Keep working at it 26years. One day at a time.

Sure1.

Hi 26.

Sucks you have to be here - a member of the best club in the world that nobody wants to qualify for...

In answer to your thread's main question I have been wholly transformed by Squid's affair. I am not recognizable as the man I was up until 2004. I identify strongly with some of the common themes in the responses you have already received.

I no longer rely on anybody for anything that I can possibly do myself
I do not take anybody's word at face value.
I do not allow myself to need anyone.
I really do not care what others think of me as long as I am not ashamed of myself.
I am a terrible friend now, having lost all my my patient listening capability. If you want me fix something, ask me and I'll do it. If you want to whine without fixing anything, go call samaritans.

These changes are not necessarily BAD, but they are profound, and are a direct result of my experiences.

In your case 26 you are still in the chaos caused by a wayward in your marriage. Some of the things like snooping and loathing will change over time with your H's NC and investment in your marriage. You won't know what the effects of this affair will be in you until you have been in recovery some time in my experience.

Final change in me, well,I can quote an old MB friend of mine, Krazy71 :


I know this too.


All blessings 26

Hi Sure!

After five and a half years I still think of OM most days but it no longer causes me hurt. Its an ache that he still thrives and breathes clean air somewhere. I sought him out in 2007 and beat him up good to see if that would help make me feel "avenged" but it didn't. A good kicking is nothing compared to what he did to me.

I do know recovered marriages so fulfilling that the affair and the protagonists are simply faceless words from the past. it is most definitely realistic and possible !

I believe the answer is yes, Sure1. I've had a number of recent encounters with OW. While I can't say they haven't evoked any emotion at all, anger, bitterness and pain were not among them. The 2 most recent encounters:

1. When I served WXH with my small claims court claim. She answered the door and he wasn't there. Therefore, I was forced to speak with her. I knew in advance there was a possibility this would happen and I worried about being able to pull it off in a professional manner. As it happened, she practically crumbled at the sight of me on her doorstep. It was very easy to be professional when she was stuttering, stammering, turning red and basically falling apart. I realized what a weak, pathetic cockroach she is. I have no love for insects, but I don't waste anger or bitterness on them, either.

2. This past weekend she was pulling out of the gas station as I was pulling in. I'm pretty sure she didn't notice me, even though I had to wait a few moments to make a left off a fairly busy road. Her wrinkles were evident through the tinted glass at that distance and her hair looks like it hasn't been dyed or cut in some time. I realize that WXH is probably hounding her about the money she spends(spent) on her hair - reportedly $120 a month according to OWH. She used to have professionally-done highlights and contemporary hairstyles. Now she's mousy brown/grey with it all hanging straight down. Again, no anger, bitterness or pain - just a feeling of better her than me.

Wow, thanks alot. You all make a lot of sense. I get it and see the situation a little clearer now. No letter will be sent, my husband did do the NC letter. Even though I know she gonna think I forced him to do it or did it myself because that's how she is. When he called her and broke it off with her, he had her on speaker phone and told her that he loved me and she laughed at the statment. I wish I could have reached out and touched her. But I know she just did it to make me upset, and she did. My husband seems to be getting over her quicker then I am. Each day, it does get better.

I'm right there with you. I found out about 5 months ago because the OW (who pretended to be "her friend") sent me a horrible message on Face Book. She added details that my husband swears are not true. Needless to say, I am having a very hard time believing him. I honestly don't think he'll cheat again. He's been truly remorseful and he's become the husband that I've always wanted and needed. I just think he's holding back the entire truth.

I've become a depressed, obsessive mess. I keep searching the internet to see if the OW blogged or posted something that would give me some sort of clue to the REAL truth. I do know that she is mentally unstable, which is why I won't confront her. For example, she gave up custody of her children to be with her lesbian lover. Yes folks, you read that correctly.

Anyway, I'm trying to be the wife that my husband needs, but I'm so filled with hurt and anger that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I fear I cannot get passed this as long as I don't believe my husband. I feel stuck, but I do know that I love my husband and don't want to lose him. I know he doesn't want to lose me either.

I'm just a jumbled mess right now. It has also affected me as a mother. Instead of spending time with my children, I find myself hibernating in my room. I've cried everyday since September 1st. I'm so mentally exhausted. I want my positive, upbeat self back! Anyway, thanks for listening and know you're not alone.

znzsmom, please start up a thread for yourself so others can try and help you with this. Sorry you are here, friend.

{{{{MB'ERS}}}}},

Here's the thing.....Can you remember how you were when you were 18? How about 23? Or 28? Or 30?....Are you the same person today as you were back then??...probably not. People change all the time. Be it from age, time, circumstance's in life, trauma's, whatever they each may be, we are constantly changing. Our ideal's, thought, and value's change with each and every experience that we live through.....

I know some of you are asking if you will REMAIN the person you are now, having been touch by the hand of infidelity. No, you won't. I am two years removed from my Dday. Two years ago today, I was knee-deep in the throws of H's affair. And in May, I will be celebrating two years in Recovery. I can tell you, without a doubt, I am not the same person I was Pre-A, during the A or even in early Recovery. I had to go through the pain, the anger, the obsessive thoughts, just as each of you will. It is not a journey that you can take a short-cut on, go around, under or over. You MUST walk THROUGH it......

The question you need to be asking yourselves is "What can I do TODAY, to shape the person I want to be tomorrow?". Whether you end up recoving your marriage, going through a seperation, or end up divorce, walking through this fire is a REQUIRED step.

And through each phase of the journey, you will change. For some the anger will increase, other it will consume them. But all of that depends on you and what you learn, about yourself, your relationships, marriage. It is not the easiest of journey's, but the end can be so rewarding.

Yes, what happened to us is totally injust. But how it shapes you depends on the actions you take.....



YES.....OW is very little on my mind any more. I can't really tell you if a day goes by when I don't think of her, because if I think about it, I really can't remember every little thought I had the day before (hey, I have 3 kids....life is way too hectic here....). But she really isn't in the forefront any more. When she does enter my mind, there is really nothing there. Sometimes there is sorrow and pity. Sorrow for what she had to become in order to do this. I am a firm believer that what the AP'S need to do in order to engage in an affair is worse than what they do to us. It is a total demolishing of the human spirit. Very sad indeed......

But all of this didn't come right away. It took a long time before I began to feel and think this way about her. NC helps tremendously. Time is another factor.

I am truly sorry for everything all of you are going through. But please know, that it will not last forever.....and YOU have the POWER to make of this what you will......

not2fun

Bob_Pure, Tabby1 and not2fun,

Thanks so much for your replies and encouragement. I see light at the end of he tunnel. My FWH makes trememdous effort to help me/us through this and I am making progress. I guess I am just impatient and want this to be "gone" NOW.

It is so difficult to restablish the trust. For a while I think I am there then my insecurities pop up again over the stupidest things. My searing hatred for the S--t disturbs me as I have never hated anyone before and it is really difficult to let it go. I know it is irrational as she was only half of the equation and if I hate her I should also hate my FWH who is just as responsible. He could and should have said "NO". I can't hate him though I despise what he did. Guess I am directing my anger at the s--t.

Sorry for going on.... just needed to vent. Thanks again for your encouragement.

Sure1.