Yes, I'm now this angry bitter woman that my friends and I used to talk about. I used to be fun loving. It's been difficult for me to appreciate the small things in life because I feel so wronged.

How the affair has changed me (all for the better)

1. I am prettier (had let myself go a bit before)
2. I am wiser (was always but it tweaked it up even more)
3. Am more compassionate to people in general (I tear up easily and was a stoic person before)
4. I am more busy (busy hands are happy hands!)

Funny this subject.
The first experiance I had with affair was when 1st wife left me when we were 20 yrs old. She was sweetheart at 16 and we got married at 18. I was devestated, couldn't eat,sleep. WE got back together after a couple weeks but We divorced at 22.
I decided that I would not take fidelity seriuos then untill I got married again.

Second marriage at 28 was to a woman who had some issues and I overlooked her little "moments of weakness" for a couple years and when I finally gave up, she straightened out. I tried to be a "bigger person" and all kinds of BS that was really just a way for me to insulate myself from the pain. It seemed that every time things had a chance to get better or were getting there she would screw up (serial screwups)and hope was dashed.
I stayed for the children and for the dim hope that someday in the future we would get it together. There was just to much to overcome in our marriage and life itself I guess. I can tell you we worked hard, maybe just not smart.


So The affair(s) changed me by making me more callous and expecting less in the way of faithfulness,communication,and trust. There was so many things we could have shared besides our children and I still loved many things about her.

I don't think I could ever believe in another relationship that required commitment now. Its Ok because now I am wiser and not bitter. I know some ppl make it and are blessed with a life partner and I know its possible. At my age ,(52), and with DD25 DS22 DS19 and grandchild I have a lot to be happy for and our children are SO much better off than we were. In that we did well. So Dad is around for them. You never stop being a parent.

Through the years when wife would "slip up" and I would look the other way after awhile I had to develop a relationship with hope. I learned to talk to God and stand with Him more than ever before.

Its the only thing that kept me from bitterness

Ok,,,,I guess I never did quite answer the question.....

Yes the affair changed me.....

I lost my nieveness (sp)...which wasn't a bad thing. I always looked for the good in people, gave away trust much too easily. But really, that was bad...I lost my deep trust in my H...but that too is okay with me.

But mostly, the affair has changed me for the better...

I am no longer lost in the deep anxiety and depression that plagued me for so long pre-A.

I am taking great care of myself...
I have learned to love me, warts and all....(ok, I would still love a new set of legs...but hey, what's a girl to do.... )
I am CONFIDENT...in myself, my beliefs, my integrity
I know that I am a strong, STRONG woman....If I can get through the ACTIVE A, I can do ANYTHING!!!!
I am a much more compassionate person....and empathetic

And yes, I did have anger....deep seeded, wrenching your gut ANGER. But getting it out by means of Angry Outbursts, Sarcasism, and DJ's just wasn't working for me....nor for those around me....

I have learned to state my boundaries and follow through on the consequences when other trespass those boundaries. I have also learned to give forgiveness to those who do....(and just because I FORGIVE those who have wronged me, doesn't mean I have to let them back into my life......)

I have learned how to have an AMAZING marriage, what Emotional Needs are and how to meet them, and learned what my own NEEDS are. I am, however, still learning on how to state them to others....WORK IN PROGRESS....

But in all honesty, I know that the A has changed my H as well. I said this during the affair, and it still rings true today. The pain and damage he caused me, our children, and our family does not transend the the damaged he caused himself.

And all in all, I would not WANT to go back to the person I was pre-A. I wasn't a bad person by any means, nor did I ever do anything to deserve what I got.....BUT, I grew more during this period of my life than at any other time....and to me, that is worth its weight in gold....

(((((MB'ers))))))

not2fun

26yrs,
How has my H's affair changed me/
-I no longer trust anyone.
-I no longer see myself as a successful person, wife, and
mother.
-I am now a hater and have a white hot burning hatred for
for the OW.
-I have become a great pretender--pretending that I don't
think about the affair every hour of the day. I put on
smile when resentment overcomes me, all this so as not
to make my H feel more badly about his behavior than he
already does.
-I am more affectionate to my H because I need him, and
he needs me.
-I read less and cuddle more.
-I watch my tone of voice more carefully than before.
-Both FWH and I are very attuned to each other's needs.

Most of the changes have made me a better wife, but............

GY

Yes, Naploeon Bonaparte.

I was just reading that Cleopatra and Josephine (Napoleon's paramour) are considered classic examples of women with personality disorders.

Congratulations, Zelmo. Your picker hasn't changed a bit!

I take it that I now should add that I have a personality disorder??? And I thought I was doing quite well. After almost a year of support on this forum, I'm shocked to have been spoken about so cruelly.

Bump for review by Z and Fred in VA.

I'm sorry GY, I'm not following you. My response to Zelmo was not directed at anyone else. If I offended you, I apologize.

How has been a BS changed me -

- I know now that what ever happens I will be OK. If I can survive resurrecting my M and live thru the pain of a betrayal that broke my heart, I can live thru and heal thru any fire that engulfs me.

- I am more awake and involved in the course that my life is taking. No more sleep walking thru life, it�s like some one turned on the lights and I realized that I was walking in the dark with no sense of where the path I was on or where I was headed.

- I no longer believe in the fantasy of happily ever after as an automatic default thing for a Marriage. It�s something you work at and achieve not something that will automatically happen.

- I believe that if my DH chooses to solve our marital problems by having an(other) A then he is a fool and I feel sorry for him that he will not have learned any lessons from this painful journey.

- Nothing is for ever (and that�s OK).



My H's affair broke my heart and I never thought that he was capable of intentionally causing me so much pain. I have grown to realize that he was not intent on causing me pain but rather his focus was more on HIM and not on me at all.
He did nothing to me, What ever he did he did to and for himself.
I don�t really hold OW responsible for my pain, for what its worth I can see that she was also simply looking for happiness of her own. Again she did nothing to me what ever she did she did to and for herself.
Its been a difficult healing process for me and looking back at myself 20 months ago on D day I could not ( and did not believe) those FBS�s who had moved past the pain.
I figured may be their WH was not as nice man as mine is, maybe they are not really soul mates , may be their love was not so strong as ours and therefore their betrayal was perhaps easier for them to overcome. None of that is infact reality. IMHO all HUMAN BEINGS are flawed and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US is capable of committing Adultery.
You can work thru it and you can emerge on the other side still standing.
20 months later I am still standing and on most days finding something in my life to smile about.

THAT, my friend, was simply beautiful!!!!!.....you said everything I was TRYING to say.....you will fare well....

((((((26, Red, Sorting, and others)))))))

I am sorry for your pain....I know where you all are at.....my prayers to you all as you walk this journey.....

not2fun

26years,

I'm not sure where I belong on MBs because I have never been able to find out the truth about whether or not my husband had an A, but I'm convinced he did. Nothing indicates it was a PA but I think it was an EA, possibly on his part mainly. He is still denying it, 6 years later. With that said, I would like to now add to this thread.

I could be known as 36years and this probable EA occurred after 30 of them. Up to that point, I believed I was the only woman my husband was ever interested in - because that's what he told me. I have changed immensely after finding out he has lied to me on many occasions - and the change has not been for the good.

I feel like my marriage has been nothing but a lie. My husband will do anything to avoid an argument and now I wonder how many other things he has lied about all these years. I can look back now and see that there were times I questioned things in my mind but then just basically put them aside, thinking he would never do anything to hurt our marriage. So, I have been very suspicious of everything.

I also hate to add that I am becoming a man hater. (Sorry to the wonderful men on this list. I should say a man hater of 99% of them.) I'm tired of hearing that men are "wired" to look at other women and all the other excuses society has come up with for them. My husband does not openly stare at other women (at least when he's with me), but I'm tired of spending a couple of hours getting ready to go somewhere and then having some bimbo walk in with all of her body parts hanging out and have every man in the place checking her out because "they can't help it". I'm realizing that woman are not allowed to get old in this world. Men - yes. Women - no.

I know I'm venting here - hope that's okay! I'm really trying to not become a bitter old woman, but I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me after many, many years.

Shadows

Yes....the innocence of our marriage is gone. We married at 17 and 19, I thought we were one of the very very few couples that had only been with each other their entire lives, (I did have sex with one girl twice in high school however). Actually that innocence has been nuked away.

Trust is gone. I wonder how much coming on by another male would it take, mixed in with a few drinks, would it take for my wife to fall back into her old habits?

I used to think that once my wife and I both passed on and went to heaven, that we would be together in heaven, for eternity, (I know this sounds corny to some, but its how I felt). Now I wonder if she would remarry, and would she want to be with him in heaven, or maybe even one of those other 5 guys...?

I always thought it was she and I ONLY, now I don't freaken know what to think about anything.

After you've been cheated on, it's such a violation. I feel raped, disrespected and just dog on right out raged. Out raged that the person that I've been sleeping next too for 26 years could do such a thing. I keep asking HOW?? I pray that I get over this asap, I don't have a year, or three to five years. I'm so difficult to deal with until, I don't care if it's driving him crazy. It's sad to say but it's like I want him to suffer and feel the same pain as I do. I want him to feel pain, and I want the OW to feel pain as well. I've never been this type of person, but look what he turned me into. I know I don't have control over what people do to me, but I do have control over what I do to others

26years, have you seen references to the "Karma Bus" on this site?

I believe that in the long run, an affair takes a bigger toll on those involved than it does on the betrayed spouse. It may not seem like it, at first. But that's what I believe.

The numbers seem to bear me out. Do you know what percentage of marriages born out an affair survive to five years?

Three percent.

People who engage in affairs have to live with the knowledge that they have cheated, broken vows, lied, and hurt people and destroyed families. Even the most brain-addled participant can't escape the truth of their actions. Those who feel no remorse or have no conscience are, by definition, psychopaths. And we are better off without psychopaths in our lives...

In my story, I told of speaking with a man who said he'd had an affair in 1980. When asked what happened, he told me he'd married the woman and had been married to her for 25 years. Yet he was not happy. He was ashamed of his actions and had carried his guilt with him for a quarter of a century!

That's the Karma Bus. Sometimes it arrives quickly. Sometimes it takes a while. But it has its schedule, and it ALWAYS arrives.

You bet your a$$ that I'm hurt, torn apart, betrayed and devastated. But I also see what my WW has wound up with: an impotent, married man whose wife won't grant him a divorce, who moved out of her dream home to rent a small, unfurnished apartment, having to look for a menial job just to pay her bills. Does she regret the consequences of her actions? I have no idea. I suspect not, but she's not "normal," either.

One of the affirmations I have (copied and pasted from a post on here) is this:

Yes, I believe in the Karma Bus, just hopes it shows up soon. Somehow I want him to see the OW for who she really is. It seems as if he doesn't believe me when I tell him stuff about her. The internet is an amazing tool. I did a search on her and come to find out she is a convicted felon. The charge was giving a false name to a police officer while driving around with a 6 months expired tag. She wears alot of makeup, therefore my Husband has never seen her without it, and I have. Trust me, it's not a pretty site. He always told me I was prettier then her, however she's about 15 pounds smaller then I am and I guess that's what did it. His family will never ever accept her, she is totally on a different level then he is. She works at Burger King, I mean really. Not saying that there is anything wrong with working at Burger King because I like Burger King. We have our own business and she has 3 kids with different fathers and is living part time with a guy that she claims is her husband. However when I did research on that, she's not married. She's a total looser and some how he fail for her. My husband is very, very attractive. Not bragging or boasting, but seriously he is a very handsome man. So why would he even settle for her, I guess you've got to see her to get the point. I guess these are one of those things in life that I will never, ever understand.

26yrs,

You are dealing with on-going contact. These feelings will not even BEGIN to subside until the affair is over and NO CONTACT is established. And even after that it takes time......(((((26yrs))))))

As far as the HOW???....Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? It discusses at great length the how aspect. You will still question this from time to time, but once you UNDERSTAND the how, learning to accept it becomes easier.

There are still days nearly 2 yrs later and 20 months into Recovery that I still wonder how, but then I remember the addiction, the lessening of his boundaries, our awful M pre-A, and really I do know "how".....

Not2fun

In some ways yes.

{{{{{26 years}}}}}

Recovery is tough, the early days are especially tough, but remember that recovery only starts when NC is established. Broken NC wasn't something I had to endure and I can only imagine the excruciating pain of it.

The ways I have changed...

I was way too naive and way too trusting of people. The A has opened my eyes. I thought that if you were a nice person that other people wouldn't do things to harm you.

I now understand that there are broken people who don't give a moment's thought to the harm they inflict on others.

I now place a much higher value on my M. Not that I didn't value it before D-Day, but I certainly took it for granted.

I now accept what all my elders told me - that you have to work at a M. Somehow, I thought my M was different and would work out without any effort, and that those who had to "work" to have a good M must somehow have picked the wrong partner. I now also see that the "work" doesn't have to be a chore. I actually enjoy working with my H to build a good M.

My self esteem has been seriously boosted. I appreciate all that I am and work on my faults. Before D-Day, I focused on all that I wasn't and didn't see the good in me. I look at my FWH in a similar way.

I've learned how horrible LB'ers can be and I've accepted that I was capable of some pretty big ones pre D-Day. I own my 50% share of the faults in our M that weakened it. I've learned that however ingrained your LB'ers are, they can be eliminated.

I've learned that good loving people can make terrible mistakes but that they are redeemable and that it can be strength not weakness that allows a BS to give a WS the opportunity to make amends.

I've accepted that however much my FWH hurt me, he hurt himself far more.

You can fix that which is broken and you can love again, even if in the early days you see little hope.

How you're feeling now 26years won't be how you're feeling in a years time. If you have a plan, a MB plan, you could be building a new and improved M.

Good luck on your journey. {{{{{26 YEARS}}}}}

IMHO your H has probably moved on from OW far more than you have.
WHY do you have the urge to speak with OW ?
What can she tell you that will heal you ?
If she tells they only did it 3 times and it was not to great will you go home with a smile?
If she says I am over you WH will you belive her ?
If she says Yes I am just waiting for you M to fail so I can get my claws on your WH will you claw her eyes out?
Will any of that give your personal or Marital rcovery?

IMHO contact with OW for you especially of that nature will only add another negative memory in your brain that you now have to overcome.

How does what OW want in life impact what you want?

The M is made of you and WH, and as long as you include her in your M she will never go away.

I am not sure you are ready to hear this but I will say it any way cause thats how I see OWs.

I dont think they wake up one morning and think how can I hurt a BS today. They wake up and think how can I get what I want today. Am I desperate enough to take it from a WH even though I know they belong to some one else and what I am getting from them may terminate if they decide to go back to their BS.

While she is trying to get what she needs in life her focus is on eliminating you from the picture. Meanwhile while you are trying to recover your M while making the mistake of working hard at making her a permanent fixture in your mind.

Think about that and re-set your thoughts and focus on eliminating her from your thoughts,your life and your M.