My husband's affair has turned me into another woman. I find myself having really bad thoughts about them both. I'm angry, resentful and revengeful. I find myself wanting to tell my husband bad things about the OW, even if it means creating lies, to make her look bad. I want him to feel like the fool he is or was for destroying our 26 years of marriage. I want him to feel the same pain that he has caused me. I want him to pay. But guess what, I wasn't this type of person 6 months ago. The affair was only 2 months with 2 sexual encounters, but I want them both to pay. I want to see them experience the pain that they have caused me.

I spy on him constantly. Even when he is in the bathroom. I don't trust him out of my sight. I have sense enough to know that I can't watch him for the rest of my life. I find myself wanting to get in touch with the OW and talk to her to see what else I can find out. To see if she's waiting for us to break up so she can walk in. But my husband has told me that I keep her alive in our relationship more then he does. He says we have to strave her (memory wise) in order for her to die. I find myself thinking about her everyday, what they did and how they did it.

For the life of me, I still can't believe my husband cheated on me. I keep thinking that I'm having a dream and I will wake up any minute. This man was the most trusting man you could find. Great husband, father, father in law, grandfather and son. What happen? I keep believing that maybe she put a spell on him. Have I been blind and not paying attention to what was going on right in my face. I promise, I'll never let him or any man cheat on me again.

Somewhat. But, my core personality is the same. I am friendly and get along with folks. I like who I am.
The main thing that has change is that I know so much about cheating, now. I can spot it and the red flags in those types that are cheaters and abusers. Some of these folks seem pretty attractive. But, I feel now that I can spot them and stay away.

well, nearly at my 2 year d-day mark and my changes are:
I dont believe that M is permanent anymore
I am not as generally as happier a person as I used to be
I have less self confidence

and a bunch of other stuff.

Here is a link to post traumatic stress and how it impacts on the BS after infidelity

Really new here, just found this site a few days ago and am just a few days removed from D-day.

Yes, I'm changed and will do everything in my power to make sure it's permanent. I haven't had a drop to drink since D-Day and have committed mysleft to meeting her emotional needs. Turns out I was making massive love bank withdrawals, but event worse, I managed to twist around what I thought were deposits into larger withdrawals because of my overbearing and negative personality.

My world has been turned upside down, so why not give it a big shakeup while we're at it.

{{{{{26years}}}}},

Welcome to MB. I am sorry for what has happened to you. I will tell you though everything you are feeling and thinking is NORMAL.

You have been dealt with an experience that can be as traumatic than rOe or losing a child.

Can you tell us a little bit more about your situation though? How long ago did you find out (aka Dday)?

How did you find out?
Who is the OW ( other woman)?
Is she married and if so does her husband know?
Does she work with your H, live close by?

We can help you get through this but it won't be easy. Your marriage CAN survive and be better than ever.

Stick around and know that there are MANY on here (including me!!!... ) that have been where you are. We know your pain and sorrow.....hang in there

(((26years)))

not2fun

My husband's behavior, for a very brief minute made me doubt God. I thought how could God allow this to happen to me, I've always been a pretty good girl. Don't drink, smoke, party, sleep around. Raised with great christian morals and values. Never mistreated anyone and I'm surrounded by great people. So why me? I now look at people who I think have great marriages and wonder "is she going through the same thing". I put on the face when we go out in public, I act as if everything is just great. People still compliment us on our successful marriage and life in general. Boy if they only knew what I've been putting up with. We can potentially devestate so many people if they found out. I think about the old saying that all men are dogs, I kinda believe that now. Is there any good men out there? I mean if my man cheated, I believe any man would.

I guess I just want a quick fix to the pain and memories. But I have to accept the fact that there isn't one.

Sure - it's turned me into a smarter and hopefully better human being. I now know a lot more about what it takes to have a successful long term relationship with another person.

Will I ever be able to see my wife the same way? Probably not.But I don't know for sure if it will be for better or worse. She made a huge mistake. IF we get over this and end up as a happily married couple, she may very well end up being a better person for it too, in which case I'll see in a better way.

So I guess the answer to the question is that the affair has turned both of us into someone else. Neither of us will ever be the same again.

Well, my wife has had several EA's during our 7 years. I think the one thing it has changed me, is that I'm now very good at picking up the signs when it happens and can usually catch it before it turns into something that's difficult to intervene. I think it's made me a little jealous too, I've found that I get suspicious when any man contacts her, even if I know its an old friend.

I'm with Lil

Single

26y,

""want a quick fix to the pain and memories""

Sorry, but it is going to be a SLOW fix.

You just signed up so Dday must not be to far removed. The first 3 months you are in shock, with your feelings, movies in your head, imagination, etc. bouncing around your head at the speed of light.

Anti-depressants could be a help to you. I took Lexipro and it leveled out the huge swings and ups & downs of the roller coaster. Takes awhile to kick in, so if this could be an option for you get to your doc.

Sounds like your H is remorseful and wanting to make it all better. This is a very good thing, so you got one thing going for you.

Try to get enough sleep, exercise to exhaustion, eat right, lay off the sauce and take care of yourself.

You can get through it. Kinda like one day at a time.

Come here a post as much as you want. This is a good place to vent, ask questions, get guidence etc.

Stay strong.

kirk

I totally agree with Linus' comments.

I keep in mind that the line, "Neither of us will ever be the same again" does NOT necessarily correlate to each of us being WORSE. Different can just as easily translate into us being BETTER people. In a BETTER relationship. Experiencing life on BETTER terms.

TB

I no longer say that the grass is green and the sky is blue because I have no faith in the grass or the sky or colors for that matter.

Reva, you will again, dont worry...it just takes a while, but you will....

26y, it will get better for you too...unfortunately you have to go through the pain there is NO way around it....but it will get better I promise.

Not2Fun, here is my story. I posted it in another thread. Trust me, it would be a great Life Time Movie. There are two Post, so get ready to read.

New to the forum, but will try to make a long story short. Last year, my husband of 26 years cheated on me with a woman at my church. First off he has lied so much until I can't keep count. I Love him and believes that he loves me but just got way too involved with conversating with this woman. The met last year and one night he saw her at the store and they begin talking and next thing you know, about 2 weeks later, he's in the back seat of her car having sex. Here is a list of his lies.
Lie about who she was
lie about the color of the car
Lie and said she didn't have an organsim, supposedly to make me feel better
Lie about flaws in her body
All contact was stopped and we went to another church
Promised to never speak to her again, however she begin calling and texting my phone on January 3. He got upset about it and called her to fuss her out.

After he calm down, they continued talking and next thing you know she volunteers to buy him a phone and leave it outside at the old church for him to pick up. He did just that. They talked everyday about 3 times a day for a week before i found the phone. The length and times of the conversation was verified because I looked in the phones and saw the phone log for incoming and out going calls. He said he accepted the phone because he needed someone to talk to because of my constant bickering about the incident.

I admit, every single day we were up to like 2 or 3 in the morning discussing the entire incident. I've called him every name in the book and have bashed him like crazy. This woman is easy to talk to and is a good listner as I even found myself talking to her for hours about the affair. Even after i knew it was her. They both said I never stopped talking about her thus keeping the affair alive instead of killing it. I had to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the affair, especialy the sex part. Why, I don't know. Thing is, I just don't know how to ever trust him again. I would often call the woman and ask her questions and when the difer from what he said, even the slightist way, I'd go and start an argument with him, this is the way we've spent the last 5 months. Daily arguring brought on by me and my need to know the exact truth.

I know men tell stories different then women, so i can understand it. I feel some what responsible for him calling her to fuss her out because of me. But the fact that he accepted the cell phone just to have someone to talk to because I forbidded him to talk to his parents so he said he had no one else. We are still together after me leaving a few times, but always returning. I feel like I should leave him because I can't trust him. Thing is, how do you leave someone that you love sooooo much and have built a 26 year life with. We've been with each other longer then we've been with our parents.

The OW even told me that he told her he loves me and will never leave me. The OW is married as well and her husband knows, we've all talked. He knows because I told her if she didn't tell him I would. Should I leave or stay? Talking about it everyday was that a bit much? I felt I never got the full story, I did go over board. Now I live with what if someone finds out. I don't know what to do, I think we should relocate but he says he doesn't want to move. I know this story is all over the place, but there has been so many lies, tears and pain.

He told some of the lies to protect me from even more pain. I explained that lying is never the right route to take regardless. The OW and I have talked. My thing is, I talked to her this past saturday and he got upset once again and I left the house to get some air. During which time he called her and yelled at her and hug up on her. So I came home and I was there about 20 minutes and next thing you know his cell phone rings and it's her. He wouldn't answer it, next thing we know he receives a text that said OUTSIDE!!!!! So I'm like, she's outside of our house, I open the front door and she was there. She saw me and pulled off. i called her and she said she came by to tell her said of the story and he wouldn't even allow her that chance because he hung up on her before she could say anything so without thinking, she was heated and jumped and her car to come over to tell him off. He seemed shocked as I was that she was there and said he didn't tell her to come he just fussed her out about, once again talking to me. I've decided to not talk to her anymore because the more I do, the more arguments break out and that's why we are not healing like we should. What do you all think, I know it's long please forgive me

If you don't know my story, read the post titled "Am I being stupid" (something like that).

POST #2
Yes, I've come to the conclusion that I am stupid. This past Saturday I found the cell phone that she bought him in his underwear. Long story short, we had went to the store and I kept having this naggin feeling that something wasn't right. He sat in the car at first, then he got out and his pants was zipped down. I said to him, your pants are zipped down. So we left the store and got ready to get on the highway and something kept telling me to touch his groin area, I did and he jumped like he was scared. So I told him to lift up a little and I kept feeling until I felt the cell phone. He had just gotten it back from her, she left if for him outside of our office. He called her from a payphone and told her to leave it so they can talk. The affair right now is just emotional, they haven't seen each other, he hasn't been alone long enough to do that. He used a payphone at a store while we were in the store to tell her to leave the cell phone at the office. I've been on him like white on rice, no outside trips alone. Now in our home, it's a 4 bedroom house and pretty large so he has been sneaking away to call her for comfort. It's just the conversation with her that draws him to her. She listens and never disagrees with him so inturn he thinks she Miss goody twoshoe. I've been difficult since the affair took place so he finds peace with her. I called her and she states that she hasn't seen him and she dropped the phone off at the office because he is on lock down as she describes it. I told her she could have him and I told him to leave. He declares that he loves me and doesn't want to be with her. I told her to come get him and she refuses and said that she doesn't want him and had the nerve to encourage me to stay with him. We are still under the same roof, but I just need the guts to leave. His parents even gave him an ultimatum. They told him if he sees her again.....well I wont said what they said they would do, but it's pretty serious. So, I guess I am stupid for being in love with a man who has feelings for another woman and seems like he has to talk to her. This time instead of mailing her the cell phone back, I dropped it in water and threw it away. This is the second time she has left him a cell phone outside of his office. The first time was at her suggestion the second time was his idea. So what do you do when there is no sex, but an emotional attachement which in my opinion may be worse. I know I know, yall told me so. I thought things were going so well, I really did. Now he DECLARES he's done with her. Thing is, are you done because of what your parents said or are you done because you really want to be with me. I told his parents I would give it one last try, however, I don't know from one second to the next if I'm gonna stay with him. Now I don't even trust him in the bathroom alone. Yesterday I literally talked and yell at him all day, and that's not healthy. I am preparing myself for another surprise, I just cant shake the feeling that they are still talking some how. Her and I texted each other for 2 hours this morning. Her saying she can't explain how she feels about him and how we should "work it out". How hypocritical.

I know the story is all over the place. Hopefully I didn't confuse anyone, if I did, just ask me to verify and I will.

you really don't know how lucky you are, My husband of 25 years left and never came back, it has been over a year and he is living with her, his high school girlfriend.

Yeah, My WH moved out almost two years ago...I would have loved the chance for Recovery.