Good news is we've settled the house issue. Mainly because we got an offer $20K above what XH has offered me and he was forced to match that or accept the offer. He chose to match it. The deadline was Thursday at midnight and at 10:30 he made me an offer via email.

The subsequent work of obtaining financing and seeing how big his payment is going to be, knowing we were 5 years away from having our dream home paid for, well it did him in. On the phone last night with me he broke down and cried and said he was just so sad. He said he bought me out inspite of the financial hardship (instead of taking the very excellent offer we had from a third party) because he had already lost everything so he figured he may as well keep the house. He told me nothing matters anymore and he just doesn't care about anything. He is terrified of losing his job and he has lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks.

I checked on him today (via text) and he said he just can't think about it because it is too stressful. I said, 'I think that is what you've done for a year....refused to think about it...and now reality is crashing in on you.' He said probably and he just hoped it didn't get any worse because he doesn't think he can take it. We then texted back and forth a few times about what went wrong in our marriage. He said, 'I wished we could have been nicer to each other.' I said, 'I had pretty much learned to live with you not being nice to me....it was u having sex with others that pushed me over the edge.'

He then went on to tell me he always felt like I treated him like a kid.

I resisted all urges to ask him if that is why he hooked up with a 24 year old....so he could feel like a grown up.

It was weird. A weird conversation. I feel his real sadness and real remorse. Too bad so much damage has been done.

Still blameshifting and sitting on the pity pot.

Maybe he's starting to realize that the extramarital sex was way too expensive!

Oh, well!

Glad you're getting more $$$$!

That about sums it up, doesn't it?

So much lost because of his selfish choices. How sad.

I hope you are doing well Smiling Woman.

Glad to hear at least one wayward is experiencing financial hardship. It's not about revenge, it's about justice.

Pride comes before the fall.

Yeah, I have to admit, I'm trying to find some part of me that feels sorry for him and I can't.

Instead, I found myself wondering why you even bothered to check on him via text the next day.

Yeah, he gets NO sympathy from me either, SW.... You treated him like a kid, boo hoo...THen he acted like one.

Too bad,

I checked on him because I was really worried about him. He is not a man who EVER cries. Ever. He barely cried when his dad died. He cried when his dog died. He has cried maybe twice more in the almost 30 years I've known him. He sounded very distraught.

I know I am really all he has and he knows he's lost me. As my mom said he has always depended on me in ways he could never admit.

I could have really stomped on him while he was down....but I wanted to be kind to him. I want decent feelings between us in the future. I didn't try to sugar coat anything. I said, 'I'm sorry you are so sad. This is not how I wanted things to turn out either, but its done now.'

Yesterday when I checked on him I told him he might be forced to get help and that he had needed help for a long time.

I also noticed that I doubt he was with OW at all Friday night or Saturday all day. He went to eat Saturday evening around 7:00 and then started texting me about clothes sizes for our son because he was buying him a shirt.

Don't worry.....I'm not obsessed or anything....but I've noticed A LOT that they don't seem to spend that much time together. I will begin to think they must be broken up and then ds will mention that she and her son were there when he was with his dad. It is head scratching to me that it is almost like they are only together when they both have the kids. He is going to be out of town this whole week so one would think he would want to see her before he leaves town.

My WXH has always lived in denial and procrastination....when I stopped 'fixing' his world....it totally fell apart. I guess that is the Karma bus running over him.

SW, as long as you are keeping track of when he is with OW, listening and mentally noting what your son says, you might not be obsessed but IMO, you are too involved.

You're divorced. He made some crappy decisions and cheated on you. Other than the son you share, what else do you get from even keeping in touch with him?

Children and finances are it. You are not his wife, his friend, his confidante, etc. And vice-versa.

I am not sure how to NOT note what ds says about his life. I mean how do I NOT listen and mentally note? It doesn't matter to me...other than as I said it puzzles me...

As far as being his confidante....Our conversations this weekened were the most we've talked in a year. I have had him shut down and I've been mostly dark with him...I have refused to discuss anything with him. And we don't keep in touch. We've talked a lot these last 3 days over the house deal...and then his breakdown Friday night caused me to worry about him.

I would have offered that same kindness to ANYONE (well except maybe OW---LOL)....and I don't feel THAT sorry for him.....he does deserve what is happening to him right now.

As my friend, (man I'm seeing) said this morning...WXH has had some major slaps in the face in the last few days. First we got that great offer that he had convinced himself we would never get...and he was forced to either take it or spend $20-25K more than he planned to buy this house from me...and then I found a sweet house of my own AND I get the $6500 credit AND I am thrilled with it and excited. I am financing about $30K for 15 years (4.375%) and plan to double those payments asap...he on the other hand just financed $150K for 30 years at 5%. And he will be so strapped for cash he won't be able to DO anything for years. Reality has hit him hard in the last few days. He was so sure he was going to make me regret divorcing him because to HIM it is all about the money and he therefore thinks it is all about the money to ME...it isn't...but things are working out for me money wise and he is suffering.

He is also showing major signs of missing me. This while he continues to see OW once in a while...And she is 25 years old for Petes Sake....So...although I didn't like seeing him so devastated like he was Friday night....I'm ok with him being dealt the consequences of his actions. He does deserve it.

Maybe the breakdown and the conversations with you may be what's needed for him to become human again. To really understand what he did to you and his family.

I listened to a televison preacher the other day talking about sin and when people take the wrong path in life. He mentioned what needed to happen for these people to change.

He said they need conviction. From themselves. They see they made a mistake, have turned away from God, and they decide to right the wrongs.

Some people need an outside force. Perhaps the words of a friend or child or therapist. The wayward starts to listen to others and makes amends.

Then those stubborn ones -- like your WXH and mine. They need hardship. Really painful hardship. And we can't shield them from this. They have to experience pain, shame, uncertainty, whatever to "wake up" so to speak.

And there will be many who still chose to go down that path. Meandering throught life one bad decision after another. Until they end up wondering one day how they got to the end of the road. Maybe they feel it was all worth it. My guess is that most have no idea how they got there because they were too caught up in the sin to see the consequences.

I've felt that with my WH, I'd rather he saved his own soul then saved our marriage. That he becomes a decent guy again -- with or without me as his wife. That he recommits to be a good dad, that he stops lying, that he finds his old self with true morals and values and empathy for others.

Because the man he is right now is very, very ugly. Greedy, angry, shady.

He needs a cry. I've never seen him cry in the 30+ years we've been together. He was recently fired from his job. He did not turn to me. Instead he says he has no incentive to get a job, that he'll just go bankrupt and we'll lose the house, that he's done providing for me and the kids.

He's way, WAY away from feeling any hardship when he's still blaming everyone for this mess instead of looking in the mirror.

Yours, SW, may be starting back on the path to becoming a decent human again. He may be getting his soul back. You need to pray for him.

The preacher said that God will not save everyone. He said that yes, God loves the sinner. In fact, God will stay by their side as He walks with the sinner all the way up to the gates of hell. Because God sticks with us in hopes that we turn back to Him at any time on our path to self-destruction. But those hell-bent on not listening to the Word -- God can't -- won't -- keep out of hell. Man has free choice. Your WXH can choose any second to stop sinning and turn his life around. His breakdown might be step 1.

And if i were in your position I would probably talk to him too, I mean you are done with him, you have moved on....You dont have to be his best buddy, but to me you are being the bigger person by listening to him, but not babying him for his selfish decisions....as long as you dont think it is affecting you negatively...well then I cant blame you....

That's a great post, Holyheart.

I hope so for our son's sake.

And I am sorry that your WH is so willing to let you all lose everything just to prove he can. That is the one thing I can say about my WH....he always pays his cs and he has always always worked through out our entire marriage.

On further reflection my friend thinks WH is NOT so broken, but rather just playing mind games with me....I don't agree. I think my WXH IS broken because he has come to the end of the rope of procrastination....he is now facing very real consequences. Such as a high mortgage on top of cs and alimony, having to replace the itmes I will take out of the house...deal with insurance claims on his own...deal with his son saying, "I don't want to go with you today dad because I don't want to miss services.".....those are REAL...and that is why he is broken. It may not be the broken that he needs to turn around and go in the other direction...but he at least feels the pain of his actions for now.

It doesn't overly affect me. I've had my break downs already. I had a couple of total meltdowns back in January when I discovered that he was still seeing the OW and when they introduced ds10 to her and her son. So I've done my processing....I kept wondering if he would ever reach the point of regret like he expressed Friday night. His comments about 'losing everything.' and 'sorry it all ended up this way'...and then the very REAL tears...that is about as regretful as I ever expect I will see out of him. And he couldn't even win in the house/money game because I was willing to wait him out.

He has been in that tiny furnished apt for a year now. Almost a year....11 months. He has no place for ds to sleep or play. He has nothing with which to impress anyone...he has been stripped of everything he held dear....admittedly as a result of his own actions, but still he has lost a lot.

Honestly, I am much happier being in MY shoes than imagining what it must feel like to be in his. After all I didn't CAUSE this....I would hate to have to live with knowing that *I* caused all this pain and suffering.

SW:

I've been saying this a lot recently.....

Sucks to him.

Make sure he CLOSES on the house befor June 30 th...

LG

Oh, I will. I am not going to lose that tax credit.

(((((((((SmilingWoman)))))))

so good to read that you are doing well!!!!!

Congrats on the new home (and on the outcomewith the oldone).

Does suck to be him!

All the blaming he used to do to you. Oops...his life is crap...and he has nobody to blame but himself!

I'm glad that you still show him compassion, even after all he put you and DS through. I think it drives the point home to him that he truly is the one to blame. (Not that he'll much with that point to change himself...)

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Jewel

We got a full price offer on the house yesterday. He won't accept it because it means I will get an extra $5K (as would he). I'm ok with it....but isn't it ironic that we got a full price offer on the house that he said would never bring that amount?

Karma. Hee hee....

Good grief! I think he has narcissistic personality disorder.
He's crazy to refuse the offer, but maybe if he owns the house, in his mind, he can justify that the damage he did wasn't as bad as it truly is.

Methinks he won't be getting a pool anytime soon, though. Maybe once he closes the deal with you, you can give him a kiddie pool as a house warming gift.:) (I remember the grief he gave you about having a pool installed.)

Me thinks I agree he won't be getting a pool. There is a kiddie pool from ds's toddler days in the garage...guess I will leave it behind.:)

We have another looker coming tomorrow. I just am so stuck on a tread mill...on the one hand he won't give me a written contract (says he is out of town and can't do it until he returns which is ludicrous---he did all his financing last Friday via fax so he can certainly sign an offer to me via fax) so I can't NOT show the house...on the other hand I am pretty sure he IS going to buy me out so I hate to waste everyones time. I have my attorney involved....maybe he can get WXhs attorney to motivate him.

Oh and I have the full price buyer's agent hinting that they are going to sue us because we won't accept the full price offer.

It is crazy.

I think this is a lot of it. I've thought that all along. If he can just get back in the house he will feel like everything is ok. Wonder how he is going to feel when he moves back in with half the furniture gone? And ds's bedroom empty of all furniture and toys? And no money left to buy replacement stuff? Should be interesting indeed

Um, yeah, that's kind of fraudulent to offer something for sale at a price and then refuse to sell it at that price. Is it in your settlement agreement about the home? It's either off the market, or available for sale, right?

You should sue WH for the $5k you lose by agreeing to allow him to buy you out. But of course, if there is no legal agreement re the house...then you have no recourse. Placing a property for sale without intention of selling it? I'd accept the offer yourself, then sue him if he refuses to agree to sell the house he agreed to sell!

It's not something they can sue over...give me a break. For all they know you have 6 full price offers to choose from! You don't HAVE to sell it at all, even if it's "available." Til you sign a contract for sale there is nothing they can do- you're not contractually obligated.

You did not place it for sale without the intention to sell it. You're just considering offers.

But I agree about your idiot XWH. Have your attorney contact his with a time limit for producing a written offer.

The lovely judge we had didn't order anything regarding the house. The divorce was final the end of November and the judge told us to 'go work it out.' with regards to the house. Um, hey Judge, Your Honor....do you think maybe if we could have worked it out we would have already done so? Ya think?

So we left court in late November and WxH had to keep making house payment...he got an appraisal on his own that was $30K lower than the full price offer I just got. He petitioned the court and got a date in June to drag me back in front of the judge to force me to sell out to him for that low ball offer based upon the 'professional appraiser.' But before he could get me back in court, we got this great full price offer...so wow does he look stupid. Hee hee. I love it.

Our state requires we both agree before we can sell it....I would take the full price offer in a heartbeat. He is an idiot for not taking it. Bless his heart.

Spoken like a true Southerner!

I think you should take the full price offer!

I wondered if anyone would catch my southernism...

And if only I could accept the full price offer. Unfortunately he has to accept it too.

I've had the best time today messing with Wxh. Got another person wanting to see the house tomorrow....and until I have a written offer with a real signature from Wxh I have to keep showing the house. So I sent him a text telling him that I'm showing the house again tomorrow.

His reply..."We agreed on the buyout amount and I have signed the financing paperwork. I will not sign off on any other offer and will seek legal action against you and any realtor associated with a potential breech of contract. Just FYI."

I responded back, 'Huh? I will sell out to you 4 the amount we discussed. Still waiting on the signed offer that will make that legal. As for you taking legal action against me...4 what? Breech of contract? More likely this full price buyer will sue u 4 signing a listing agreement you had no intention of honoring.'

It went on and on...him with his illogical mind...me LOL everytime I got a text from him.

I feel 99% sure it is all going to go through with the buy out he and I discussed...but he is so stupid...I wonder how he makes as much money as he does.

SW -- What if WXH buys you out -- at the lower price -- then resells the house at a higher price?

Won't that screw you out of the fair market value of your home?

It sounds funny that he will buy you out at such a low price when, obviously, the house if worth more -- hence the offers. Are you getting something else in return -- like him taking over other debt?

SW:

Your doing the RIGHT thing.

Just make him come to the table.

He can "flip" it. Sell it to another buyer immediately, with a new contract. But I think.... Your realtor has some recourse against that process here. He signed the listing agreement, right?

Sucks to be him...

LG

It is only $10K more total. And the fact is I did agree to let him buy me out BEFORE the full price offer came in. My issue is not that I should have to honor my deal with him, but rather HE is so spiteful, stupid, clueless (shrug) that he would turn down a FULL PRICE offer in this market just to prove he can. Especially after his little whinefest Friday night when he told me he was going to be so strapped with this bigger payment and he is sooooooo afraid he is going to lose his job....what an idiot.

He already got stuck with $10K in credit card debt---but that was a seperate issue from the house. I actually am very pleased with how my settlement has worked out. I have plenty to get a small but nice house for ds10 and me and my payment will only be about $350 a month. If I start making some money I can double that easily and have it paid for by the time cs runs out and if not hey, $350 is cheap so I can surely manage it.

I also will have plenty of cash left over to put back in an emergency fund while I get going in the work force (real estate). In the meantime cs and alimony is plenty for me to meet my monthly obligations. I have the alimony for 3 years.


Doesn't change the fact that XWH is an idiot. I hope he does flip it immediately. Then I would have everything I wanted...including him NOT in our dream house.

I don't think I have recourse because we did agree on the deal...and I won't deny that even though we don't have a formal contract YET. He at least has to match the $220K offer...that is so sweet considering he was about to drag me back in front of a judge and 'make' me sell to him for that low ball, kickback appraisal of $200.

It does indeed suck to be him.

Ooooh SW, I m so happy to hear from you, and to hear how things are working out in your favor! All sorts of thoughts come to mind... karma bus... pride goeth before a fall... actually, a quick google brought up lots of relevant quotes:

"Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling."
(Psalm 91:9,10)

"The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."
(Psalm 121:7,8)

"But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil."
(Proverbs 1:33)

"Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet."
(Proverbs 3:23,24)

It's great to see you coping and surviving.

I can't say I feel sorry for him either. I do hope he "smartens up", repents, grows up, whatever you want to call it, for the sake of your son. Not for you to take him back, but just so your son can have some semblance of the father he deserves.

Of course the potential buyers can't sue you (and win!) because you didn't accept their offer! lol Unless the laws are drastically different in different states, the seller can totally accept the highest offer, or the most attractive offer for whatever reason (maybe the closing date is better, maybe you need to put in a contingency agreement, etc), even if there's an offer for the asking price. That's why sometimes ppl make offers for more than the asking price, if there are other offers coming in! Them making an offer in no way means you must accept it.

(But I thought he was matching the offer? Is he getting the house for *less* than the offer?)

"Bless his heart"...

"Methinks he won't be getting a pool anytime soon, though. Maybe once he closes the deal with you, you can give him a kiddie pool as a house warming gift.:) (I remember the grief he gave you about having a pool installed.)"

You've done good. *hugs*

Well, we had two offers. The first one was for $220K. It was after we got that offer that he agreed to match it. And I agreed to accept it. So by the time the second offer came in for $230K I was obligated (ethically if not legally) to honor my agreement with XH. And I'm fine with that. My issue that he is so stupid HE is hurting HIMSELF just to keep me from getting an extra $5K.

And my broker told me not to worry one bit about being sued. It is just a buyer that is trying to intimidate me.

Also, I doubt he can flip it- generally you have to be on title for at least 6 months- and usually now a year with all the mortgage mess- to sell it for a profit...

Not sure I understand...why couldn't he sell it as soon as he buys it?

I hope he does sell it. I don't want to see him in our family home and I don't want ds to come visit him there.

He probably won't sell it though. He doesn't have what it takes to do that on his own.