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#2366128 05/01/10 08:32 PM
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Good news is we've settled the house issue. Mainly because we got an offer $20K above what XH has offered me and he was forced to match that or accept the offer. He chose to match it. The deadline was Thursday at midnight and at 10:30 he made me an offer via email.

The subsequent work of obtaining financing and seeing how big his payment is going to be, knowing we were 5 years away from having our dream home paid for, well it did him in. On the phone last night with me he broke down and cried and said he was just so sad. He said he bought me out inspite of the financial hardship (instead of taking the very excellent offer we had from a third party) because he had already lost everything so he figured he may as well keep the house. He told me nothing matters anymore and he just doesn't care about anything. He is terrified of losing his job and he has lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks.

I checked on him today (via text) and he said he just can't think about it because it is too stressful. I said, 'I think that is what you've done for a year....refused to think about it...and now reality is crashing in on you.' He said probably and he just hoped it didn't get any worse because he doesn't think he can take it. We then texted back and forth a few times about what went wrong in our marriage. He said, 'I wished we could have been nicer to each other.' I said, 'I had pretty much learned to live with you not being nice to me....it was u having sex with others that pushed me over the edge.'

He then went on to tell me he always felt like I treated him like a kid.

I resisted all urges to ask him if that is why he hooked up with a 24 year old....so he could feel like a grown up.

It was weird. A weird conversation. I feel his real sadness and real remorse. Too bad so much damage has been done.

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Still blameshifting and sitting on the pity pot.

Maybe he's starting to realize that the extramarital sex was way too expensive!

Oh, well!

Glad you're getting more $$$$!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
...and now reality is crashing in on you.

That about sums it up, doesn't it?

So much lost because of his selfish choices. How sad.

I hope you are doing well Smiling Woman.

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Glad to hear at least one wayward is experiencing financial hardship. It's not about revenge, it's about justice.

Pride comes before the fall.

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Yeah, I have to admit, I'm trying to find some part of me that feels sorry for him and I can't.

Instead, I found myself wondering why you even bothered to check on him via text the next day.

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Originally Posted by OurHouse
Yeah, I have to admit, I'm trying to find some part of me that feels sorry for him and I can't.

Instead, I found myself wondering why you even bothered to check on him via text the next day.


Yeah, he gets NO sympathy from me either, SW.... You treated him like a kid, boo hoo...THen he acted like one.

Too bad,[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by OurHouse
Yeah, I have to admit, I'm trying to find some part of me that feels sorry for him and I can't.

Instead, I found myself wondering why you even bothered to check on him via text the next day.

I checked on him because I was really worried about him. He is not a man who EVER cries. Ever. He barely cried when his dad died. He cried when his dog died. He has cried maybe twice more in the almost 30 years I've known him. He sounded very distraught.

I know I am really all he has and he knows he's lost me. As my mom said he has always depended on me in ways he could never admit.

I could have really stomped on him while he was down....but I wanted to be kind to him. I want decent feelings between us in the future. I didn't try to sugar coat anything. I said, 'I'm sorry you are so sad. This is not how I wanted things to turn out either, but its done now.'

Yesterday when I checked on him I told him he might be forced to get help and that he had needed help for a long time.

I also noticed that I doubt he was with OW at all Friday night or Saturday all day. He went to eat Saturday evening around 7:00 and then started texting me about clothes sizes for our son because he was buying him a shirt.

Don't worry.....I'm not obsessed or anything....but I've noticed A LOT that they don't seem to spend that much time together. I will begin to think they must be broken up and then ds will mention that she and her son were there when he was with his dad. It is head scratching to me that it is almost like they are only together when they both have the kids. He is going to be out of town this whole week so one would think he would want to see her before he leaves town.

My WXH has always lived in denial and procrastination....when I stopped 'fixing' his world....it totally fell apart. I guess that is the Karma bus running over him.

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SW, as long as you are keeping track of when he is with OW, listening and mentally noting what your son says, you might not be obsessed but IMO, you are too involved.

You're divorced. He made some crappy decisions and cheated on you. Other than the son you share, what else do you get from even keeping in touch with him?

Children and finances are it. You are not his wife, his friend, his confidante, etc. And vice-versa.


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Originally Posted by OurHouse
SW, as long as you are keeping track of when he is with OW, listening and mentally noting what your son says, you might not be obsessed but IMO, you are too involved.

You're divorced. He made some crappy decisions and cheated on you. Other than the son you share, what else do you get from even keeping in touch with him?

Children and finances are it. You are not his wife, his friend, his confidante, etc. And vice-versa.

I am not sure how to NOT note what ds says about his life. I mean how do I NOT listen and mentally note? It doesn't matter to me...other than as I said it puzzles me...

As far as being his confidante....Our conversations this weekened were the most we've talked in a year. I have had him shut down and I've been mostly dark with him...I have refused to discuss anything with him. And we don't keep in touch. We've talked a lot these last 3 days over the house deal...and then his breakdown Friday night caused me to worry about him.

I would have offered that same kindness to ANYONE (well except maybe OW---LOL)....and I don't feel THAT sorry for him.....he does deserve what is happening to him right now.

As my friend, (man I'm seeing) said this morning...WXH has had some major slaps in the face in the last few days. First we got that great offer that he had convinced himself we would never get...and he was forced to either take it or spend $20-25K more than he planned to buy this house from me...and then I found a sweet house of my own AND I get the $6500 credit AND I am thrilled with it and excited. I am financing about $30K for 15 years (4.375%) and plan to double those payments asap...he on the other hand just financed $150K for 30 years at 5%. And he will be so strapped for cash he won't be able to DO anything for years. Reality has hit him hard in the last few days. He was so sure he was going to make me regret divorcing him because to HIM it is all about the money and he therefore thinks it is all about the money to ME...it isn't...but things are working out for me money wise and he is suffering.

He is also showing major signs of missing me. This while he continues to see OW once in a while...And she is 25 years old for Petes Sake....So...although I didn't like seeing him so devastated like he was Friday night....I'm ok with him being dealt the consequences of his actions. He does deserve it.

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Maybe the breakdown and the conversations with you may be what's needed for him to become human again. To really understand what he did to you and his family.

I listened to a televison preacher the other day talking about sin and when people take the wrong path in life. He mentioned what needed to happen for these people to change.

He said they need conviction. From themselves. They see they made a mistake, have turned away from God, and they decide to right the wrongs.

Some people need an outside force. Perhaps the words of a friend or child or therapist. The wayward starts to listen to others and makes amends.

Then those stubborn ones -- like your WXH and mine. They need hardship. Really painful hardship. And we can't shield them from this. They have to experience pain, shame, uncertainty, whatever to "wake up" so to speak.

And there will be many who still chose to go down that path. Meandering throught life one bad decision after another. Until they end up wondering one day how they got to the end of the road. Maybe they feel it was all worth it. My guess is that most have no idea how they got there because they were too caught up in the sin to see the consequences.

I've felt that with my WH, I'd rather he saved his own soul then saved our marriage. That he becomes a decent guy again -- with or without me as his wife. That he recommits to be a good dad, that he stops lying, that he finds his old self with true morals and values and empathy for others.

Because the man he is right now is very, very ugly. Greedy, angry, shady.

He needs a cry. I've never seen him cry in the 30+ years we've been together. He was recently fired from his job. He did not turn to me. Instead he says he has no incentive to get a job, that he'll just go bankrupt and we'll lose the house, that he's done providing for me and the kids.

He's way, WAY away from feeling any hardship when he's still blaming everyone for this mess instead of looking in the mirror.

Yours, SW, may be starting back on the path to becoming a decent human again. He may be getting his soul back. You need to pray for him.

The preacher said that God will not save everyone. He said that yes, God loves the sinner. In fact, God will stay by their side as He walks with the sinner all the way up to the gates of hell. Because God sticks with us in hopes that we turn back to Him at any time on our path to self-destruction. But those hell-bent on not listening to the Word -- God can't -- won't -- keep out of hell. Man has free choice. Your WXH can choose any second to stop sinning and turn his life around. His breakdown might be step 1.

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And if i were in your position I would probably talk to him too, I mean you are done with him, you have moved on....You dont have to be his best buddy, but to me you are being the bigger person by listening to him, but not babying him for his selfish decisions....as long as you dont think it is affecting you negatively...well then I cant blame you....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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That's a great post, Holyheart.

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Originally Posted by Holyheart
Maybe the breakdown and the conversations with you may be what's needed for him to become human again.

Yours, SW, may be starting back on the path to becoming a decent human again. He may be getting his soul back. You need to pray for him.

Your WXH can choose any second to stop sinning and turn his life around. His breakdown might be step 1.

I hope so for our son's sake.

And I am sorry that your WH is so willing to let you all lose everything just to prove he can. That is the one thing I can say about my WH....he always pays his cs and he has always always worked through out our entire marriage.

On further reflection my friend thinks WH is NOT so broken, but rather just playing mind games with me....I don't agree. I think my WXH IS broken because he has come to the end of the rope of procrastination....he is now facing very real consequences. Such as a high mortgage on top of cs and alimony, having to replace the itmes I will take out of the house...deal with insurance claims on his own...deal with his son saying, "I don't want to go with you today dad because I don't want to miss services.".....those are REAL...and that is why he is broken. It may not be the broken that he needs to turn around and go in the other direction...but he at least feels the pain of his actions for now.

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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
And if i were in your position I would probably talk to him too, I mean you are done with him, you have moved on....You dont have to be his best buddy, but to me you are being the bigger person by listening to him, but not babying him for his selfish decisions....as long as you dont think it is affecting you negatively...well then I cant blame you....

It doesn't overly affect me. I've had my break downs already. I had a couple of total meltdowns back in January when I discovered that he was still seeing the OW and when they introduced ds10 to her and her son. So I've done my processing....I kept wondering if he would ever reach the point of regret like he expressed Friday night. His comments about 'losing everything.' and 'sorry it all ended up this way'...and then the very REAL tears...that is about as regretful as I ever expect I will see out of him. And he couldn't even win in the house/money game because I was willing to wait him out.

He has been in that tiny furnished apt for a year now. Almost a year....11 months. He has no place for ds to sleep or play. He has nothing with which to impress anyone...he has been stripped of everything he held dear....admittedly as a result of his own actions, but still he has lost a lot.

Honestly, I am much happier being in MY shoes than imagining what it must feel like to be in his. After all I didn't CAUSE this....I would hate to have to live with knowing that *I* caused all this pain and suffering.

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SW:

I've been saying this a lot recently.....

Sucks to him.

Make sure he CLOSES on the house befor June 30 th...

LG

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Originally Posted by lousygolfer
SW:

I've been saying this a lot recently.....

Sucks to him.

Make sure he CLOSES on the house befor June 30 th...

LG

Oh, I will. I am not going to lose that tax credit.

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(((((((((SmilingWoman)))))))

so good to read that you are doing well!!!!!

Congrats on the new home (and on the outcomewith the oldone).

Does suck to be him!

All the blaming he used to do to you. Oops...his life is crap...and he has nobody to blame but himself!

I'm glad that you still show him compassion, even after all he put you and DS through. I think it drives the point home to him that he truly is the one to blame. (Not that he'll much with that point to change himself...)

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Jewel


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Originally Posted by RareMamaJewel
(((((((((SmilingWoman)))))))

so good to read that you are doing well!!!!!

Congrats on the new home (and on the outcomewith the oldone).

Does suck to be him!

All the blaming he used to do to you. Oops...his life is crap...and he has nobody to blame but himself!

I'm glad that you still show him compassion, even after all he put you and DS through. I think it drives the point home to him that he truly is the one to blame. (Not that he'll much with that point to change himself...)

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Jewel

We got a full price offer on the house yesterday. He won't accept it because it means I will get an extra $5K (as would he). I'm ok with it....but isn't it ironic that we got a full price offer on the house that he said would never bring that amount?

Karma. Hee hee....

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by RareMamaJewel
(((((((((SmilingWoman)))))))

so good to read that you are doing well!!!!!

Congrats on the new home (and on the outcomewith the oldone).

Does suck to be him!

All the blaming he used to do to you. Oops...his life is crap...and he has nobody to blame but himself!

I'm glad that you still show him compassion, even after all he put you and DS through. I think it drives the point home to him that he truly is the one to blame. (Not that he'll much with that point to change himself...)

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Jewel

We got a full price offer on the house yesterday. He won't accept it because it means I will get an extra $5K (as would he). I'm ok with it....but isn't it ironic that we got a full price offer on the house that he said would never bring that amount?

Karma. Hee hee....


Good grief! I think he has narcissistic personality disorder.
He's crazy to refuse the offer, but maybe if he owns the house, in his mind, he can justify that the damage he did wasn't as bad as it truly is.

Methinks he won't be getting a pool anytime soon, though. Maybe once he closes the deal with you, you can give him a kiddie pool as a house warming gift.:) (I remember the grief he gave you about having a pool installed.)


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Originally Posted by RareMamaJewel
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by RareMamaJewel
(((((((((SmilingWoman)))))))

so good to read that you are doing well!!!!!

Congrats on the new home (and on the outcomewith the oldone).

Does suck to be him!

All the blaming he used to do to you. Oops...his life is crap...and he has nobody to blame but himself!

I'm glad that you still show him compassion, even after all he put you and DS through. I think it drives the point home to him that he truly is the one to blame. (Not that he'll much with that point to change himself...)

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Jewel

We got a full price offer on the house yesterday. He won't accept it because it means I will get an extra $5K (as would he). I'm ok with it....but isn't it ironic that we got a full price offer on the house that he said would never bring that amount?

Karma. Hee hee....


Good grief! I think he has narcissistic personality disorder.
He's crazy to refuse the offer, but maybe if he owns the house, in his mind, he can justify that the damage he did wasn't as bad as it truly is.

Methinks he won't be getting a pool anytime soon, though. Maybe once he closes the deal with you, you can give him a kiddie pool as a house warming gift.:) (I remember the grief he gave you about having a pool installed.)

Me thinks I agree he won't be getting a pool. There is a kiddie pool from ds's toddler days in the garage...guess I will leave it behind.:)

We have another looker coming tomorrow. I just am so stuck on a tread mill...on the one hand he won't give me a written contract (says he is out of town and can't do it until he returns which is ludicrous---he did all his financing last Friday via fax so he can certainly sign an offer to me via fax) so I can't NOT show the house...on the other hand I am pretty sure he IS going to buy me out so I hate to waste everyones time. I have my attorney involved....maybe he can get WXhs attorney to motivate him.

Oh and I have the full price buyer's agent hinting that they are going to sue us because we won't accept the full price offer.

It is crazy.

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