I have been married for 13+ years. I just found out about a physical affair she had last summer, possible multi. We have been going to counseling for 4mths about a text/pict affair she had in 2008; that i found out in Nov '09. We seperated for a week and she slept with this guy again. I don't know how many other men she has been with. I was getting past the text issue when i found out about this other affair. I want to try to salvage what is left, but the hiding/lies continue. She won't be honest, she won't confront the issue, and she won't talk about anything.

I feel there needs to be full dicloser on the whole ordeal in order for me to heal. EVERYTHING, minus the gorey details. my mind fills those in and it makes me sick. Is this normal?

It is hard for me to think about sex with her, for now still hurting inside, knowing that another has been in her. Is this normal and how do I get past that?

I have never felt such pain and suffering. This is normal from what I have read. I just need some help through this. I am prepared either way, but it hurts. Can anyone that has survived their wifes infidelity HELP?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Please, click on the above link.
It contains links to basic MB adultery survival.

Sorry you need to be here.
But welcome.

Hello bh, welcome to MB. So very sorry that you find yourself here.

But here is where you can find information, learn about infidelity, and figure out what you are doing.

I am a BW (betrayed wife), so I am on the same end as you.

The first thing you need to do is start reading through much of the material here on the website.
Second, is get the book surviving an affair and start reading it.
The next thing is you need to start gathering information regarding your wife's A (affair) and begin exposing this information to OM W (other man's wife) if he is married and to friends and family. - There are threads on here that explain what and how to do this.
Do not tell your wife about this website, this is going to be your place for information for now.
Many of the veterans will come in and be able to give you great advice. I am still to new into this to be able to direct anyone or give great advice.

Again I am so sorry you find yourself here, this is a painful, painful situation.

You will find information, comfort and support here.

God Bless

I have read everything on the site possible, have bought two of Dr. Harley's books, Just not surviving an affair yet. I go to book stores and read, library, just about anywhere. She knows about this site because we talked about it in session. She checks the home email and it has my ID and Password on it. She could sign in as me if she wanted.

She has lived such a secret/hidden life for so long, she has friends that i have never met. She would "go out with the girl" or tell me she is going to her sisters to talk, when she would be there for 5 minutes and leave; so if I asked she could say she was there.

I am just so frustated, confused, and all other emotions that are going on. I will take any support/advice given.

You really need to read that link.


You will get more help if you follow Scotland's advice:

There are some important questions that we need answered before we can help you.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?

Do you have any children? How old are they?

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

How did your WS meet their AP?

How long did the A last?

How did you find out about the A?

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?

How old are you? 38

How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? 35

Do you have any children? A son

How old? 10

How long have you been married? 13+

Is this the first marriage for both of you? YES, with premarital sessions

How did your WS meet their AP? Her friend liked the guy, so she stated talking to him for her. They are no longer friends, Imagine that...

How long did the A last? Guessing 6mths, purely a guess

How did you find out about the A? The first affair through texting/picture by chance on an old cell phone, the physical affair, she had told her sister about it. She stayed out all night and didn't call, text, ot let me know. her sister and i were talking and she said she couldn't keep it secret anymore. My wife told everyone i didn't want help/try to fix our marriage, when i was the onw who set up counselling and have been reading.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Not yet, but will. Have you read it? first chapter on site.

Can anyone help me?

How does a BH look at his spouse the same again?

So many people say "walk away, how can you be with someone like that, Once a cheater/always a cheater". Can she recover from what happened? (the urge to cheat, is she emotionally attached to him or was it a fling?)

I feel as if I am the one working at this. What should I expect from her? Someone help....

I have read a lot of threads about exposing the WS. What type of exposure are you guys talking about? Tell everyone she know, just her, etc.

Side note, how do I change the emoticon? I am not the happy right now.

Is there NC?

Was a NC letter sent?

Good that she is NC toxic friend. What F encourages a MW to be friends with a guy?

Do you live close to OM?

Does WW work with OM?

Will WW answer questions about the A?

As to what other's think, who cares. It's what you think. What you want.

Has WW been transparent, cell, passwords, lets you know where she is at all times?

What do all of the accronyms mean? NC, so forth...
I don't know the other guy...she doesn't work with him...he lives about 10 miles away...she doesn't want to talk about the affair with me; only with our counselor...if she were more transparent she would be a window, sleeps with phone under pillow, secret password and blocks, vague as to where she goes, she has about 5-6 different emails, lives on facebook, and so on

Burrhead,
You need to start with the links below. Learn Plan A/B and follow the carrot & stick plan. You will feel better knowing you have a plan to follow. You will be going through many phases and the support here can help you get through those phases. Considering your WW's action, it is going to be an uphill challenge for you. You have to decide how much you can take. It can take two years or more to recover a marriage.

Carrot & Stick
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296499#Post2296499

Plan A&B
Plan A & Plan B

Spying
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1572288

Affair Exposure 101
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164#Post407164

I've read this and your other comments in your thread.

Your signature suggests that you're currently separated from your WW? Is this correct? If so, who currently has custody of your son?

Your description of your WW's behaviour suggests not just a simple A, but an ongoing pattern of secrecy, dishonesty and deception on her part. I strongly suggest that, if you haven't done so already, you take steps to protect your finances, your identity (including online, like here), your assets and your son from your WW.

I have my son and the house. She is living with a couple (H/W) friend of ours, who we have known for years. They said they are just helping a friend in need. She always has a story for anything I discover(finances, insurance, etc). She has always had my crdt crd 3's. I lost a company card because she went 2K in debt that I didn't know about. I rarely got the mail due to my work hours.

We are currently seperated. She has started t take my son and herself back to church. I go to a different church than they do.

she says she can't talk to me about anything. She says I have a temper and get loud, I just get upset and frustrated because I always figure out the issues after the fact.

burrhead, sorry you are here. The first thing I would do is cut off all her credit cards and take her name off any accounts. She has moved out so she can have affairs and you should not finance that.

I would file for separation/divorce only to get legal protection from her. You want to keep possession of your home and primary custody of your son. If you don't do this, your W can come home and have you booted out while she replaces you with her lovers. Your wife is extremely destructive to you and your son and it is your job to get protection.

Counseling will avail you absolutely nothing while she is having affairs.

After you cut off her money and get legal protection in place, I would make her an offer. Go to her and tell her you would be willing to give her an opportunity to EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS and reconcile if she does certain things. Those things would be:

1. complete and total honesty about her past - followed by a successful polygraph test - complete names of adultery partners

2. complete transparency, cell phone passwords, access to her cellphone at all times. No more online time unless together

3. NO leisure time apart EVER.

4. no opposite sex friends or single female friends

Tell her, this is what it will take to interest me. If she doesn't do those things, you are NOT SAFE WITH HER and are better off moving on.

You need to RAISE THE BAR, friend. You have lowered the bar SO LOW that she is simply living down to your expectations.

And lastly, you should tell everyone in your family about her affairs. Tell everyone the truth, ESPECIALLY YOUR SON, that your wife is a serial cheater who has moved out so it will be easier to conduct her affairs.

If you don't tell your son the truth, she will tell him lies. She has probably already introduced him to some of her lovers and he very confused about that.

Good!



You need to take steps to protect your finances IMMEDIATELY. As in cancel all joint cards, Remove 50% (or more) from all joint accounts, etc. And talk to a lawyer about how you can further protect yourself and your son.

The others here are talking to you about recovering your M, which is fine if that's what you really want to do. However, IMO your WW has to seriously change if any such recovery is to be successful, and her behaviour as you've outlined here suggests that's likely not going to happen. It's my feeling therefore that you should take immediate steps to protect yourself and your son, before any discussion about recovery can take place.

Is that couple aware of your WW's infidelity? If not, that W she's sharing a home with is likely going to be very upset that an active adulteress is sharing the same home with her H, and you participated in that happening by not disclosing the truth to her.

BTW, have you changed your e-mail and other internet passwords yet?

Given her secretive behaviour, your WW is likely spying on YOU. You should take steps to prevent that from happening, otherwise she will know in advance any step you're likely to try.

Her independent behavior triggers your angry outbursts. It is no excuse for an angry outburst, but she is triggering this. TELL her this.

After I found out about the first indiscretion and snooped the cookies and history, she got a laptop eventually from work. She would leave it out and I would find all the sites she had been going to and looking at her facebook. Neither HER FB site or myspace ever list her as married. When she started her myspace she listed herself as "in relationship". I got upset about it thinking something was going on and she said that she didn't realize it was like that. So she deleted her marital status, meaning she didn't change it to MARRIED.

She says she has told her vast support group of friends about what she did, but did she tell them the truth? I don't think she knows anymore what the truth is. IMO.

I assure you that they have been told whopping lies about what a horrible husband you are. They have probably been told you are "abusive."

Your wife is very, very wayward and part of the reason she is so abusive to you is because YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES.

BH

You weigh the value of your M against the cost of not being M to your W. This is something you will have to decide.

23 years ago to this month I as a way ward H was asked by my W to rejoin our M. Before I did I lived TOTALLY ALONE in an apartment for three months and showed her that the A was done. We were already separated and the apt was close by and she had access any time she wanted.

EP's=Extrodinary Precautions by me were put in place because I wanted my M and family.

Those EP's are still in place today

No drinking or drugs
Never totally alone with the opposite sex
No text FBook online chat rooms etc. with females and if there is some type of communication I let my W know immediately

There are more. With the right type of EP's the statement above becomes Bull Sheet.

My W is currently WW with the undelying problem being alcohol. We both have had A's and the question becomes not how can I look at them the same but are they placing EP into this M relationship.

I palced No A and no alochol+working a program of recovery as part of the boudery to even have contact again. You will have to decide what direction to go in your relationship. What do you need to continue. Then stick to it.

I will never look at my W the same and she will never look at me the same either. Dr. Harley makes it very clear we are all wired to have an A under the right circumstances.

I was fortunate to place some EP's in place a long time before I knew about MB's. After being here a few years more have been added and LB's= love busters have gone way down.

Don't worry about what other people say. Decide what direction BH wants to go.

You are very new here and I would suggest to you to that you read and post all that you can. This is a learning process not only about your W A's but how to have a better M.. That takes time. There is a lot going on in yur current situation and it will take some time to sort out.

Nesre

I have talked to an attorney. We discussed a no contest, since she said she doesn't want our son to have to change schools and that I can have the house.

I would set boundies, and she would agree to them. Then she would do what she wants. Stating that I was putting her in a box. Are my friends correct in saying MOVE ON?

She wrote my letters stating she was confused/midlife crisis, not doing anything to hurt our marriage, she loved me, and so forth. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I suppose.

BH

What were her consequences when she broke a boundry?


Acronyms

Nesre

Burrhead,

This is what you need to do. Do you have to move on? No. However, you have to take back control of the situation. Your WW is allowed to do whatever she wants without consequence. Now it is time to let her feel some consequences. You make a list of all the things you want in your "new" marriage. I would include complete transparency and honesty, accounting for time, no myspace/facebook except a JOINT facebook account, MC, following MB principles, complete NC w/ OM, no opposite sex friends, no going out alone, etc. Then when she rejects this (she will), you start making her feel the consequences of that choice. This is when you need to file legal separation/divorce and get primary custody of your son. I would also expose her behavior to all her friends and family in a mass email stating your desire to save your marriage, but your WW's affairs an wanting to live a single lifestyle are untenable to you, and you are asking for their prayers and support as you try to salvage your marriage. This will make your WW furious, but eventually, she'll know that you mean business and start agreeing to your conditions. If she doesn't, then this isn't a marriage that you could have lived with anyway, but I bet she eventually (6 months) comes crawling back after you subject her to the consequences. You see, she doesn't want a divorce, she wants to stay married and fool around like a single person. You need to take that option away from her and make her choose a side.

Quote

[size:14pt]You see, she doesn't want a divorce, she wants to stay married and fool around like a single person. You need to take that option away from her and make her choose a side.

[/size]

I totally agree. He just said the experience I have done and am living through for the last six months.

Make her choose with HER BEHAVIOR.

Nesre

BH-
I am also new to this. I have been on this site for a few days.
People have given me all sorts of advice. I believe they know what they are talking about.

I unfortunately can't seem to commit to everything they tell me to do. I want to, but am unable to at this time.

The only advice i can give is that if you are 100% into saving your marriage, then follow the guidelines these people are giving you.

As much sense as I think their advice makes, I believe I am stuck with my indecision of whether to stick it out or send her away.

I hope yours plays out in your favor
good luck

Good Luck to you mckl, also

I have read this is the ABSOLUTE worst pain possible; so true. Sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster or on the ice getting the crap kicked out of me.

She says what hurts her the most is that it didn't bother her to do it, as if it is ok no remorse at the time. I don't know if she is remorseful at all. She still does everything outside the home as she did before. We both come from christian families where we have all of our biologial parents and GP on up. No divorce, no seperation. We thought we had that going for us.

I will read and study all that I can. Anything that you guys provide and survived is greatly appreciated. I know I am not in this alone. Thanks for the insight so far. Sometime i feel like a broken record, replaying it over and over again; with a BIG WHAT IF?

Why have you not exposed this A? That would be my NEXT step, emails to everyone I know, and her friends and family, My husband exposed my A on Facebook where both mine and the OM's friends were, it killed it!

Your wife has been taken over by the alien. What she says to you is most likely a lie. She forces herself to not feel remorse by convincing herself you are a bad person. She is doing everything she can to justify her affair. Sure, the marriage was in trouble before the affair, but you did not force her to have an affair and it is in no case your fault.

Hang in there, Decide for yourself what you want to do. I received all types of advice from "run as fast as you can" to "do your best to stay married." Right now you have to decide what you want, and stick with it.

This is a tough program because for the longest time you will be the only one working on it. For it to work entirely you have to interfere with the affair and end it. This is done through exposure, plan A and Plan B. Read up on all these and decide what you think is best for you, trying this program as outlined, or Plan Divorce.

Sapphire-
I found out about the PA through her sister. My WW went to her after the first time it happen crying. She kept it a secret thinking i was to blame for WW misery and we would work it out. After talking to me, my SIL realized that it wasn't me, but my wife. Both our families know, my bosses know for counseling time off. My friends know about it, but she has this group of friends that I don't know. She has probably lied to them about the whol thing, as if i am a bad person. Sure i could have cheated on her many time and my friends couldn't understand why I didn't. SIMPLY put "I vowed my life and love to her and family".

What does NC stand for? I have been asked that and I see it in your sig.

I don't do facebook for this reason and others...we grow up and move away for a reason.

NC = No Contact

????????????
What consequeences has she suffered because of HER BEHAVIOR??

Acronyms link also included.

Nesre

I told her that she need to tell me where she is at all time...she would tell me the first place but not the others...i would get excused "i forgot or phone died"...my response was that her friends had phones.he never like to adhere to any thing that i would say...stating she is grown and I wasn't her parent/master.

Not much you can do to a person like that. I am not her parent/master...i thought i was above that being her husband and she should show that respect.

Obviously the lack of self discipline/selfishness, on her part, brought this about. She would tell our counselor and family that I did not do anything wrong this was her and her emotions. I would always tell her where I was and if I was spending money...basic communication.

To answer your question nerse...NONE...

burrhead,

Ok, you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. YOu say you have read the info on this site, right? Then what is YOUR plan?

You need a plan hence the threads the folks here have been pointing out to you.

Here are a few steps you need to take now. I realize that some of them you have taken.

1. Expose to family, friends, church, work. Seek their help in restoring the marriage. Seeking help is the purpose of exposure. Wayward Wife, WW, will not like it.

2. Remove her from access to your financial situation.
a. Cancel credit cards and get new ones in your name.
b. Cancel joint bank accounts and get ones in your name.
c. Any lines of credit that have both of your names on it need to be changed, canceled, or protected in some way, remove the full limit so that there is nothing left for her to borrow, and then use the money to pay for the account interest.

3. You may need to go to No Contact, NC, after you have done a plan A. Read here about this.

4. You need to stop angry outbursts, AO's and love busters, LB's even if you are soooo hot you could fry an egg on your forehead.

5. Until she gives you access to her emails, her phones, her FB accounts, and who she sees you must assume she is lying, and cheating, so don't expect anything else.

6. Do not make demands. Tell her what you expect and if she fails to do this let the consequences follow.

7. Figure out what your boundaries are and protect them.

8. Seek counseling from a very promarriage counselor, I do recommend the Harleys. They "coach" much more than they counsel which is what you need.

Ok the list could go on, but look at this make a plan with details, check points, times for reevealuation and begin.

God Bless,

JL

Sounds like you're trying to place boundaries on your WW, which can come across as controlling, rather than boundaries on the type of behaviour that YOU are willing to accept. See the difference?

BH

Bumping this in hopes you'll come back. This whole board is a learning process and support.

I've been where your at. I tried to place bounderies upon my W instead of the rightful place. I did not protect what was important to me in the right way.

By reading here and posting I have learned new ways.

One of the ways was from this post by Mark 1952. About three quarters of the way down the first page Mark talks about bounderies. Might be worth a read. The whole thread is excellant.

Musings From Mark

Look at your last previous posters. Over 50,000 posts and 30 years combined experience on this board. I would definately want them in my corner any day of the week here on this board.

Nesre

Haven't left...just working long hours and trying to recover from this roller coaster of emotions. I have all posts and digesting.

Back again...my WW says she she wants to come around, but when she does I feel repulsed by her and I am short/slightly rude to her. Obviously this drives her away. I am sure this is normal, but not the way she wants me to treat her, and I don't want to treat her that way. Yes she did a horrible, selfish thing or i wouldn't be here.

I am still up in the air about divorcing her, but I know I can't live this way for the rest of my life.

We have so many years together...if I am to take her back there has to be drastic changes in her behavior, both domestically and emotionally.

Needing some guidance...

BH

I suggest you start back at your original post and look at all the advise that was given.

Then come back and tell us what part of it you implemented in the past 10 days or so.

It would also be of great help to the posters to know what your decision is concenring the M. That way they can respond accordingly.

Nesre

Thanks nerse...i will do that. Just so confusing.

I agree, you need to get a plan together if you want to save your marriage, you need to let go of your anger and focus on the plan...
There is lots of vets here that can walk you through every step......
Marriage are worth saving and here is your chance to build the best marriage you have ever had.....
It's hard work.....yes........
13 years is a long time to just throw in the towel without at least seeing if there is any hope....
time is the key here, don't make any decisions until you are emotionally capable of doing so......
good luck

I recently found on the home computer the guys name, address, and phone number. What is your advice about confronting this guy? Should I stop snooping?

This jack hole (mid 30's) still lives at home with his mom. Wonder what his mommy would think? Knowing my wife, he probably didn't she was married, since she lies about her age anyway.

Just bumping this up. You need some advice from the pro's on what to do with the new info..

And no, do not stop snooping. That is the only way you have to discover the truth of what has happened and to verify the info she gives you in the future.

Well, my saga continues...we recently started joint sessions with our counselor. I revealed that I knew who the guy was as mentioned above. She was shocked. I told her i am not a stupid as she thinks i am. She claims she hasn't seen him or been in contact with him. i also found out she was still talking to the guy she had a TA with in 2008 on FB. I let her know that also. You should have seen the look on her face and the counselors. SHOCK AND AWE!!!

She is now moving into an apartment at the advisement of our counselor. She says it is temporary because she can't live with our friends anymore, 6 weeks now. She says she can't move home. They both claim that this isn't supposed to be a bachlorette pad, but she has posted on her FB that a "she is starting a new adventure today".

I have read many other threads by FWW's, and they expressed remorse for what they did and wanted to reconcile. My WW has done nothing of the sort. She continues to cling to the fact that she never lived alone and married young. I was 24 and she was 21.

Today is 14 years to the day that I proposed and never thought I would be in this situation. How naive I was to think that?

Is this a sign to move on? Or as Jessitaylor said above "13 years is a long time to just throw in the towel". SO CONFUSED!!!

any advice???

^TOTALLY AGREE!!

need to change this power paradigm - follow melody's advice above - at least get proactive and get a plan formulated.