Ouch. This is painful....moved - 06/09/10 01:52 AM
Washissunshine: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
Time for me to start a recovery thread. It's been 58 days since we termed ourselves "in recovery".
Every day is a challenge. I am constantly thinking about how I can work on our marriage...am I doing every thing Dr. Harvey recommends. FWH is also working on himself, but I never quite feel like he is working as hard as I am. He rarely assess what he is doing, how he is doing, how we are doing, how I am doing. I understand this is partly a personality difference, but I sometimes feel it should be shouldered more by him than by me.
We have had a couple conversations in the last 2 days that have left me worn down and sad. I was finishing His Needs/Her Needs and asking him about portions of the book. I find myself hoping his answers are different than what Dr. Harvey says they will be. They never are.
FWH says he will find himself counting to see how many days it has been since he has seen OW; that he will wonder what she would do if he found a way to see her or what she would do if he called. I asked him last night if he is still in love with her. He did his best to avoid the question and finally answered "I feel differently about her than I do about my other friends, so I guess that would be yes".
Dr. Harvey says FWH will be vulnerable to OW his whole life. This is crushing to me. Knowing that my husband loved/loves another woman, and will love her forever after is a continued devasating issue.
We have tried the 15+ hour schedule. Husband feels this just adds stress to our time together. He has expressed feeling exhausted by our trying so hard. He wants it just to come naturally. He has said sometimes he feels like he just needs some down time. Dr. Harvey says something to this effect in the book.
FWH has changed jobs but is still working in a close proximity to OW. I have put multiple check ups in place and am sure he is not seeing her, but it is a constant worry. I do not want to move because! my family is here, but I am wondering if I will feel like this forever.
So I guess my questions is...how do you accept that the man who committed his life to you has loved another, loves another, and will be tempted by her for the rest of his life?
NeverGuessed: Re: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
A man infinitely more wise than I could pretend to be once said:
SUCCESS IS NOT A MEASURE OF WHERE WE ARE, BUT OF HOW FAR WE HAVE COME.
I read your posting (and salute you on your courage) and scanned your timeline (and salute you on your persistance) and would ask you to consider your situation in light of the quotation above.
YES - your husband had an A - but he ultimately chose you, established NC, and appears to be maintaining it.
YES - it seems that your husband is struggling with fully recommitting to your marriage - but at least he's struggling with something that is worthwhile and positive.
YES - you see his struggles - but he evidently trusts you enough to reveal them to you.
I urge you to assess your situation not in terms of some standard of marital bliss, but in terms of the progress the two of you have made, are making, and will make.
Mrs_Vanilla: Re: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
WHS -
They say it's hard. You know it's hard. But you're reminded every day of just how much harder it is to recover a marriage after infidelity - and nothing could prepare you for it.
I like NeverGuessed's view of the situation. You will wear yourself out even more if you judge things at this point against some standard of marital bliss. Much better for the marathon to celebrate how far you've come instead.
Keep at it, and keep that bar high.
Washissunshine: Re: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
Thanks for the encouragement. Some days are worse than others
Another question - In many of the articles and books Dr. Harvey says not to bring up past mistakes, not to bring up the affair because it is a LB. When reading this stuff and asking him to read this stuff I don't see a way to avoid it. I know he doesn't like reading the books because it just reminds him of what has happened, but how can we work on things if he hasn't gotten all the information?
ImStaying: Re: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
Originally Posted By: Washissunshine
Dr. Harvey says FWH will be vulnerable to OW his whole life. This is crushing to me. Knowing that my husband loved/loves another woman, and will love her forever after is a continued devasating issue.
I was a WH one year ago. I had plans to leave my BW, get a place with OW, who I thought I loved and wanted to be with. But last June, I decided to recommit to my M with my W.
I am not "vulnerable" to OW. I have seen her twice (at events with my W) at a distance and I can say I feel nothing for her. Was I triggered? Only in the sense that I was nervous that she might be there. I was not triggered in terms of feeling like I wanted her or ! had any fond feelings whatsoever.
Quote:
So I guess my questions is...how do you accept that the man who committed his life to you has loved another, loves another, and will be tempted by her for the rest of his life?
So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't buy in to the fact that he will be in love with her for life. Could he be vulnerable - yes he could. The Dr. Harley quote above is very thought provoking and I would like to know if we can post this to the SAA board where we'll get more comments???
Washissunshine: Re: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
Fine with me if the moderators are okay with it. I assume they are the ones that do that?
ImStaying: Re: Recovery Thread...Ouch. This is painful!!
You can move it, or start a new one. I'm most interested in everyone's comments on Dr. Harley's quote.