At what point do you go to Plan B or Divorce - 06/26/10 06:39 AM
I've read three of Dr. Harley's books (his needs ..., fall in love ..., and surviving an affair). Here's my situation;
Get you a cup of coffee or something to drink. It's a long though provoking letter sent from the heart. Help us.
Me: W/M/49 Police Officer
Wife: W/F/47 Homemaker all her life raising 4 daughters with exception of last few when she went to work to stop an affair and keep herself busy.
Married 29+ Years, High School Sweethearts
Like too many Police Officers, I steadily worked a lot of off-duty jobs moonlighting as well as working the overnight shift for a substantial part of my career to make more money to pay for four daughters. As a result, it took me away from my family; physically and emotionally.
I have had several physical affairs, and I have done all types of inappropriate behavior regarding females whether it be flirtation (live or over the Internet), as well as being addicted (hate to say that word) to Internet porn since I would come home in the middle of the night. I would masturbate to relax to be able to sleep.
I failed miserably at meeting her needs over the past 10+ years; I talked inappropriately to my wife about her weight gain. I was very negative towards here about the house and its cleanliness. I very much neglected her emotional and sexual needs, as I sought others or the fantasy world. We never talked much, except about the kids and those issues. Obviously, I was not honest with her at times.
Throughout all of our marriage, she had stayed tried and true to me and continued to try and work on our marriage by studying books, Internet sites, the Bible. She would send me emails about what was wrong with me, the marriage, and what we should need to do. I pretty much ignored everything, as I took it as open criticism instead of a caring person.
As a result, a little over five years ago, after continuing to discover my emails and need for porn and believing I was still having physical affairs, she had an affair or affairs. I don't know if it was one or more; she has not told me - I have not asked, and I don't want to know.
This past October, while researching on the Internet about infidelity in addressing my behavior, she came across a website that is geared for married women that wanted to have affairs. She delved into it, and within the past few months, she has developed relationships with approximately ten lovers.
That was the day my world changed; for the worse, and yet somehow for the better. I had a cleansing or epiphany of all my transgressions and how I have basically screwed up my life. Although we have our secrets, we have been honest with each other to a degree that many would find strange and uncomfortable.
I have been a selfish, superficial, and immature individual in my relationship with my wife. I did not marry her planning on being that way; that I know.
About ten years ago, November 2000 to about eight months later (really don't remember or care), with my first affair, I had such an ego that I demanded certain things from my wife. In her quest to keep me, she did many inappropriate things that she did not want to do. She was a Christian woman who loved me dearly. She met my mistress and went to a couple of places, so I could satisfy my ego of having two women. She didn't want to do it then, and she strongly regrets it to this day, as well as I regret being such an idiot.
Four years later, I developed another affair with another woman. I told my wife about this one also.
Then, like I said above, at a certain point, she threw in the towel and gave up on me being committed to her.
Back to her current multiple affairs; she has many men that provide her the attention she wants, desires, and craves. I am currently in counseling myself, and my counselor has said that my wife, has a lot of pain in her life for her to do what she is doing. She, the counselor, does not describe these relationships, as affairs. MY wife herself describes them as friendships. What I have failed to tell you as my heart spills out in this email is that along with all the wrong things I have done over the years, I have diabetes; as a result, I have developed Erectile Dysfunction. So, along with my poor attitude, I have also been basically physically unable to meet her needs. We have been intimate typically about twice a year for the past five years.
Since January, she has seen me make many improvements which I'll discuss in a minute. Anyway, she moved out of the house in February to what is basically a vacant apartment from what she has told me. I do not know where she lives, and I have never seen her apartment. She left me and our two daughters, aged 17 and 18. She didn't leave, as I instructed her to leave as I couldn't handle seeing her 'talk' on the Internet with these men while in our house.
Since she has been gone, she comes over about 40% of the time to do laundry, deal with our daughters, and we talk many many hours about what we need to do to save this marriage. She has told me she never wanted to divorce me, never wanted to hurt me; it's just that she needed attention. I believe her beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Now, back to me and my improvements; I have worked on my physical status; not for outward appearances per say, but I was not managing my sugar levels nor taking my medicine. I am working on my emotional status. I had anger issues. Since that date, I pretty much lost my desire to yell about anything as my whole life has been turned upside down. Nothing is as important to me now as saving my marriage and having my wife and I recommit to each other. That is what I want, but I have also gained strength knowing that my wife may not choose to come back to me. (That's where my own individual counseling has helped.) My relationship with God has grown stronger. I read and study the bible now, more in the past three months, than I have in the past ten+ years.
This cleansing of me and some of my issues are by no means complete, but it is amazing what has happened to me. My wife, on the other hand, has somewhat become disillusioned with God and angry with me. She has waited many years for God to intervene and help us, and she is angry that I played a role in neglecting her and causing her to do what she is doing. It took all that and her leaving me for me to see the real world. She knows what she is doing is wrong by society's standards, but she feels no guilt for doing it, as she had no options. She uses the metaphor of someone wanting a drink of water. I refused to give her a drink of water, she was dying of thirst, so she found someone to provide it to her. She is correct in my arrogant denial of her and her needs. I don't know why I was such an idiot back then, and I can't explain now why everything is so much clearer to me, like a cleansing of my heart.
I also believe that she took on the different relationships, so she wouldn't fall in love with these men. She chose mostly married men in their tit for tat relationship.
With her seeing the positive changes in me and apparently some other issues going on, I know she has reduced the men she is seeing. I don't know to what extent, don't want to hear the 'gory' details, and my goal is to reduce it to zero with the exception of me. I want a marriage like we planned on having when we first got married. I messed it up. I want to clean it up - with God's help.
I'll finish up with some positives; Because we both see that this marriage is repairable, nobody knows that we have separated. We have kept it a secret from our neighbors, friends, and work associates on both sides. She's home often enough to keep the charade on. We have enough issues without being the center of gossip and controversy.
She has commented to me that she likes the changes she is seeing in me, and I am a changed man, am changing, and I am willing to continue to change.
She is hesitant to take the leap of faith back into our marriage and our life based on her mistrust of me. .
At what point do I go to Plan B (six months, sooner, or later � she has already left me), or with so many lovers and her unwillingness to quit � just recognize how I failed and file for divorce.
Get you a cup of coffee or something to drink. It's a long though provoking letter sent from the heart. Help us.
Me: W/M/49 Police Officer
Wife: W/F/47 Homemaker all her life raising 4 daughters with exception of last few when she went to work to stop an affair and keep herself busy.
Married 29+ Years, High School Sweethearts
Like too many Police Officers, I steadily worked a lot of off-duty jobs moonlighting as well as working the overnight shift for a substantial part of my career to make more money to pay for four daughters. As a result, it took me away from my family; physically and emotionally.
I have had several physical affairs, and I have done all types of inappropriate behavior regarding females whether it be flirtation (live or over the Internet), as well as being addicted (hate to say that word) to Internet porn since I would come home in the middle of the night. I would masturbate to relax to be able to sleep.
I failed miserably at meeting her needs over the past 10+ years; I talked inappropriately to my wife about her weight gain. I was very negative towards here about the house and its cleanliness. I very much neglected her emotional and sexual needs, as I sought others or the fantasy world. We never talked much, except about the kids and those issues. Obviously, I was not honest with her at times.
Throughout all of our marriage, she had stayed tried and true to me and continued to try and work on our marriage by studying books, Internet sites, the Bible. She would send me emails about what was wrong with me, the marriage, and what we should need to do. I pretty much ignored everything, as I took it as open criticism instead of a caring person.
As a result, a little over five years ago, after continuing to discover my emails and need for porn and believing I was still having physical affairs, she had an affair or affairs. I don't know if it was one or more; she has not told me - I have not asked, and I don't want to know.
This past October, while researching on the Internet about infidelity in addressing my behavior, she came across a website that is geared for married women that wanted to have affairs. She delved into it, and within the past few months, she has developed relationships with approximately ten lovers.
That was the day my world changed; for the worse, and yet somehow for the better. I had a cleansing or epiphany of all my transgressions and how I have basically screwed up my life. Although we have our secrets, we have been honest with each other to a degree that many would find strange and uncomfortable.
I have been a selfish, superficial, and immature individual in my relationship with my wife. I did not marry her planning on being that way; that I know.
About ten years ago, November 2000 to about eight months later (really don't remember or care), with my first affair, I had such an ego that I demanded certain things from my wife. In her quest to keep me, she did many inappropriate things that she did not want to do. She was a Christian woman who loved me dearly. She met my mistress and went to a couple of places, so I could satisfy my ego of having two women. She didn't want to do it then, and she strongly regrets it to this day, as well as I regret being such an idiot.
Four years later, I developed another affair with another woman. I told my wife about this one also.
Then, like I said above, at a certain point, she threw in the towel and gave up on me being committed to her.
Back to her current multiple affairs; she has many men that provide her the attention she wants, desires, and craves. I am currently in counseling myself, and my counselor has said that my wife, has a lot of pain in her life for her to do what she is doing. She, the counselor, does not describe these relationships, as affairs. MY wife herself describes them as friendships. What I have failed to tell you as my heart spills out in this email is that along with all the wrong things I have done over the years, I have diabetes; as a result, I have developed Erectile Dysfunction. So, along with my poor attitude, I have also been basically physically unable to meet her needs. We have been intimate typically about twice a year for the past five years.
Since January, she has seen me make many improvements which I'll discuss in a minute. Anyway, she moved out of the house in February to what is basically a vacant apartment from what she has told me. I do not know where she lives, and I have never seen her apartment. She left me and our two daughters, aged 17 and 18. She didn't leave, as I instructed her to leave as I couldn't handle seeing her 'talk' on the Internet with these men while in our house.
Since she has been gone, she comes over about 40% of the time to do laundry, deal with our daughters, and we talk many many hours about what we need to do to save this marriage. She has told me she never wanted to divorce me, never wanted to hurt me; it's just that she needed attention. I believe her beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Now, back to me and my improvements; I have worked on my physical status; not for outward appearances per say, but I was not managing my sugar levels nor taking my medicine. I am working on my emotional status. I had anger issues. Since that date, I pretty much lost my desire to yell about anything as my whole life has been turned upside down. Nothing is as important to me now as saving my marriage and having my wife and I recommit to each other. That is what I want, but I have also gained strength knowing that my wife may not choose to come back to me. (That's where my own individual counseling has helped.) My relationship with God has grown stronger. I read and study the bible now, more in the past three months, than I have in the past ten+ years.
This cleansing of me and some of my issues are by no means complete, but it is amazing what has happened to me. My wife, on the other hand, has somewhat become disillusioned with God and angry with me. She has waited many years for God to intervene and help us, and she is angry that I played a role in neglecting her and causing her to do what she is doing. It took all that and her leaving me for me to see the real world. She knows what she is doing is wrong by society's standards, but she feels no guilt for doing it, as she had no options. She uses the metaphor of someone wanting a drink of water. I refused to give her a drink of water, she was dying of thirst, so she found someone to provide it to her. She is correct in my arrogant denial of her and her needs. I don't know why I was such an idiot back then, and I can't explain now why everything is so much clearer to me, like a cleansing of my heart.
I also believe that she took on the different relationships, so she wouldn't fall in love with these men. She chose mostly married men in their tit for tat relationship.
With her seeing the positive changes in me and apparently some other issues going on, I know she has reduced the men she is seeing. I don't know to what extent, don't want to hear the 'gory' details, and my goal is to reduce it to zero with the exception of me. I want a marriage like we planned on having when we first got married. I messed it up. I want to clean it up - with God's help.
I'll finish up with some positives; Because we both see that this marriage is repairable, nobody knows that we have separated. We have kept it a secret from our neighbors, friends, and work associates on both sides. She's home often enough to keep the charade on. We have enough issues without being the center of gossip and controversy.
She has commented to me that she likes the changes she is seeing in me, and I am a changed man, am changing, and I am willing to continue to change.
She is hesitant to take the leap of faith back into our marriage and our life based on her mistrust of me. .
At what point do I go to Plan B (six months, sooner, or later � she has already left me), or with so many lovers and her unwillingness to quit � just recognize how I failed and file for divorce.