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Joined: Jun 2010
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I've read three of Dr. Harley's books (his needs ..., fall in love ..., and surviving an affair). Here's my situation;

Get you a cup of coffee or something to drink. It's a long though provoking letter sent from the heart. Help us.

Me: W/M/49 Police Officer
Wife: W/F/47 Homemaker all her life raising 4 daughters with exception of last few when she went to work to stop an affair and keep herself busy.

Married 29+ Years, High School Sweethearts

Like too many Police Officers, I steadily worked a lot of off-duty jobs moonlighting as well as working the overnight shift for a substantial part of my career to make more money to pay for four daughters. As a result, it took me away from my family; physically and emotionally.

I have had several physical affairs, and I have done all types of inappropriate behavior regarding females whether it be flirtation (live or over the Internet), as well as being addicted (hate to say that word) to Internet porn since I would come home in the middle of the night. I would masturbate to relax to be able to sleep.

I failed miserably at meeting her needs over the past 10+ years; I talked inappropriately to my wife about her weight gain. I was very negative towards here about the house and its cleanliness. I very much neglected her emotional and sexual needs, as I sought others or the fantasy world. We never talked much, except about the kids and those issues. Obviously, I was not honest with her at times.

Throughout all of our marriage, she had stayed tried and true to me and continued to try and work on our marriage by studying books, Internet sites, the Bible. She would send me emails about what was wrong with me, the marriage, and what we should need to do. I pretty much ignored everything, as I took it as open criticism instead of a caring person.

As a result, a little over five years ago, after continuing to discover my emails and need for porn and believing I was still having physical affairs, she had an affair or affairs. I don't know if it was one or more; she has not told me - I have not asked, and I don't want to know.

This past October, while researching on the Internet about infidelity in addressing my behavior, she came across a website that is geared for married women that wanted to have affairs. She delved into it, and within the past few months, she has developed relationships with approximately ten lovers.

That was the day my world changed; for the worse, and yet somehow for the better. I had a cleansing or epiphany of all my transgressions and how I have basically screwed up my life. Although we have our secrets, we have been honest with each other to a degree that many would find strange and uncomfortable.

I have been a selfish, superficial, and immature individual in my relationship with my wife. I did not marry her planning on being that way; that I know.

About ten years ago, November 2000 to about eight months later (really don't remember or care), with my first affair, I had such an ego that I demanded certain things from my wife. In her quest to keep me, she did many inappropriate things that she did not want to do. She was a Christian woman who loved me dearly. She met my mistress and went to a couple of places, so I could satisfy my ego of having two women. She didn't want to do it then, and she strongly regrets it to this day, as well as I regret being such an idiot.

Four years later, I developed another affair with another woman. I told my wife about this one also.

Then, like I said above, at a certain point, she threw in the towel and gave up on me being committed to her.

Back to her current multiple affairs; she has many men that provide her the attention she wants, desires, and craves. I am currently in counseling myself, and my counselor has said that my wife, has a lot of pain in her life for her to do what she is doing. She, the counselor, does not describe these relationships, as affairs. MY wife herself describes them as friendships. What I have failed to tell you as my heart spills out in this email is that along with all the wrong things I have done over the years, I have diabetes; as a result, I have developed Erectile Dysfunction. So, along with my poor attitude, I have also been basically physically unable to meet her needs. We have been intimate typically about twice a year for the past five years.

Since January, she has seen me make many improvements which I'll discuss in a minute. Anyway, she moved out of the house in February to what is basically a vacant apartment from what she has told me. I do not know where she lives, and I have never seen her apartment. She left me and our two daughters, aged 17 and 18. She didn't leave, as I instructed her to leave as I couldn't handle seeing her 'talk' on the Internet with these men while in our house.

Since she has been gone, she comes over about 40% of the time to do laundry, deal with our daughters, and we talk many many hours about what we need to do to save this marriage. She has told me she never wanted to divorce me, never wanted to hurt me; it's just that she needed attention. I believe her beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Now, back to me and my improvements; I have worked on my physical status; not for outward appearances per say, but I was not managing my sugar levels nor taking my medicine. I am working on my emotional status. I had anger issues. Since that date, I pretty much lost my desire to yell about anything as my whole life has been turned upside down. Nothing is as important to me now as saving my marriage and having my wife and I recommit to each other. That is what I want, but I have also gained strength knowing that my wife may not choose to come back to me. (That's where my own individual counseling has helped.) My relationship with God has grown stronger. I read and study the bible now, more in the past three months, than I have in the past ten+ years.

This cleansing of me and some of my issues are by no means complete, but it is amazing what has happened to me. My wife, on the other hand, has somewhat become disillusioned with God and angry with me. She has waited many years for God to intervene and help us, and she is angry that I played a role in neglecting her and causing her to do what she is doing. It took all that and her leaving me for me to see the real world. She knows what she is doing is wrong by society's standards, but she feels no guilt for doing it, as she had no options. She uses the metaphor of someone wanting a drink of water. I refused to give her a drink of water, she was dying of thirst, so she found someone to provide it to her. She is correct in my arrogant denial of her and her needs. I don't know why I was such an idiot back then, and I can't explain now why everything is so much clearer to me, like a cleansing of my heart.

I also believe that she took on the different relationships, so she wouldn't fall in love with these men. She chose mostly married men in their tit for tat relationship.

With her seeing the positive changes in me and apparently some other issues going on, I know she has reduced the men she is seeing. I don't know to what extent, don't want to hear the 'gory' details, and my goal is to reduce it to zero with the exception of me. I want a marriage like we planned on having when we first got married. I messed it up. I want to clean it up - with God's help.

I'll finish up with some positives; Because we both see that this marriage is repairable, nobody knows that we have separated. We have kept it a secret from our neighbors, friends, and work associates on both sides. She's home often enough to keep the charade on. We have enough issues without being the center of gossip and controversy.

She has commented to me that she likes the changes she is seeing in me, and I am a changed man, am changing, and I am willing to continue to change.

She is hesitant to take the leap of faith back into our marriage and our life based on her mistrust of me. .

At what point do I go to Plan B (six months, sooner, or later � she has already left me), or with so many lovers and her unwillingness to quit � just recognize how I failed and file for divorce.

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Why are you married? Serious question. Have you both any idea whatsoever what marriage means?

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Do you know what "being a team" means? Do you know what "having each others backs" means"?


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Um, I would say troll alert but nothing surprises me anymore. *sigh*

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I'm guessing troll alert means fake story. I am sorry to tell you this is not a fake story. And I really don't need to hear I told you so's. I realize how I have messed up many lives with my thoughtlessness and inappropriate actions. I am seeking help, and I was hoping for encouragement on this site. Thanks.

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The way I deal with it at times, aside from considering it a tit for tat is I see my wife as having a nervous breakdown and not even realizing it. I feel so guilty as I feel like I 'murdered' her soul. She did not want to do this. She was pushed into it by me. I messed up, and I am wondering if it is too late.

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You will get encouragement here but your story is very complicated and messy. You have a lot of ground to cover before you can recover your marriage. I'm not telling you I told you so. I'm the one that had the affair.

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I guess I'm used to a solo affair. I had a couple of those. I can't believe my wife is cheating with multiple lovers -- she has referred to herself as a whore. She has gone against everything she stood for. I feel so guilty. I want to make everything up, but I have to wait, and now I understand pain like I never thought I would.

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I'm pretty much over the suicide part for what I have caused. I'm in repair mode - she's not. Can it be repaired? I'm truly going stir crazy sitting in an empty house.

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DrH has stated that he can't even tell you which marriages will survive and which will not. That's because it depends on the 2 people that are in the marriage.

Have you read all of the info on this site? Have you exposed your affairs and your wife's affair/s as well? Are you ready to have a REAL marriage? Did any of your affairs happen with your co-workers or people you met through your job/s? If so, those are going to have to go. Are you ready for that?

Have you gotten yourself into a program in regards to your porn/sex addiction? The MB plans WILL NOT work on an ACTIVE addict. You need to worry about and focus on YOUR side of the fence. You have to clean out YOUR weeds. You CAN do things to improve YOURSELF. Will you save your marriage? Who knows? You will NOT if you don't do certain things to IMPROVE yourself first.

It's slow around here on the weekends so don't be discouraged.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thks - all women on my affairs r gone and out of my life working on porn issue - hard to succeed when nobody here at the house.

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It is hard to do this anytime. Harder? Maybe. Are you ready for YOUR work?

Where did you meet YOUR affair partners?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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FT,

An addiction - regardless of what it entails - is hard to break.

If you cannot do it while nobody is there, then you can't do it while everyone is there.

You must act as if everyone is watching you, all of the time. That's the way you must always act, for the rest of your life. That is how you must be, in order to stop having affairs, to stop your porn addiction, to stop being

stupid.




I said that, because the truth is that all of the things you described about yourself really add up to that word.


That's your 2X4 from me.


Now, for your wife:

YOU did not "force" your wife to have affairs.

She CHOSE THEM.


You were not there, you did not force her onto the other men's penises.

Didn't happen.


She went out looking for them, and she FOUND THEM.


Not hard to do, and she knew it.




So, you take 100% of the blame for your affairs.
She takes 100% of the blame for her affairs.


That, sir, is where you start in the repair department of this marriage.


Anywhere else is....welll....

stupid.


IMHO.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Now, I am done with my 2X4.


You ask where to start?

Each takes his or her own blame. Stop with the blameshifting, because it gets you nowhere.

Acknowledge ownership of the affairs - all of them. Both of you.

And, call the Harleys. You need professional help, because your marriage is in serious and deep doo-doo, and without someone who knows exactly what to do, you have no hope.

You may have a "counselor", but that person is by no means the expert that the Harleys are in infidelity. At this point, you need THE BEST.

Call them.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Thanks. She doesn't want to work on it right now. She was with one lover for the past 24 hours -- came home -- she showered and went to another lover's house. my body is exhausted. i'm trying to trust in God...i do trust in God...i'm scared to pull the trigger...i take 100% blame...i'm pushing to plan b, but it hasn't been six months as Dr. Harley susggests.

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You don't have to go six months. Six months is the max.

With your WW out for 24 hours banging OM1, coming home showering, then going out to bang OM2 I would plan B, and plan B today.

WHo have you exposed?

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He won't expose, so he is stuck in his own tar.


His choice. This marriage will fail.


FT, go to Plan B. You don't need to wait six months. With your limited knowledge of the Basic Concepts, you will not save the marriage. You have no chance.

without help
you have no chance

You are - right now - considered a doormat by your WW. She is walking all over you because you refuse to stand up for yourself or the marriage.

She has multiple lovers because she CAN. You CHOOSE to allow it.


You CHOOSE not to fight it. She has no respect for you, no respect for the marriage. Why not? Because YOU have no self-respect, and no respect for the marriage.


Go ahead, move to Plan B. You might be able to save what little you can of your self-esteem.


Somehow, I doubt it. You've stood up for nothing so far.



You could have had some testicular fortitude and shown a little strength in there somewhere, and maybe had a shred of dignity in this by exposing the affairs (both sides). That might have given you both a chance at salvaging what little is left of your selves. In a marriage, it takes at least ONE of you with some desire to fight.

In your case, however, since neither of you care to lift a finger to fight,


your marriage is over.


Your choice. Fight or not fight. You chose, not fight.


SB


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And I'd like to add to that, your children have been greatly harmed by their parents' behavior. You may not see it now, but as they mature more they will look back at their childhood and may become very angry at both of you. I feel sorry for them. If you're serious about trying to make things right, you both need to sit your children down and confess your sins and beg for forgiveness. They will probably both have serious problems with relationships on down the road. Nothing you can do about that as the children suffer for their parent's sins.

Call the coaching center and ask for the professional help that is offered there. If I've ever seen a situation that needs it, it's yours.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Are you attending a 12 step group? One of them, for sa's does have phone meetings (I don't remember which one off hand.)

You can't white knuckle SA. You can't deal with sa alone. And, frankly, even with support and all that, the relapse rate is horrible. I think it's something like at the 5 year mark of recovery, 50% of SAs have relapsed.

Also, 12 step groups suggest not making any decisions on your marriage until you've been sober for a year? I didn't catch how long you've been sober for.

I'd definately call up Harley for suggestions on how to deal with this.

What's your wife doing to heal herself from your addiction? Is she seeing someone who specializes in SA, on recoverynation, talking to Dr. Harley or going to a 12-step group for spouses of SA's? What have you done to encourage her to heal herself?

While there IS NO excuse for her behavior, have you read anything like Mending a Shattered Heart or Your sexually addicted spouse, to gain perspective on what you wife has endured for a very long time? I can't imagine being with an SA for that long. I was ready to throw in the towel with my husband after 3 years of marriage, due to his SA.

Sex addiction is VERY, VERY, VERY cruel on the partner of the SA. Your wife's recovery is going to lag yours, and it's going to be longer than yours.


Last edited by inrecoverynow; 06/28/10 10:03 AM.
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Wife is not doing anything right now, except continuing the affairs. She talks of coming back, but she has absolute trust in me. She is angry that she had to do (go find someone to provide her intimacy) what I was doing with others and not to her. She is also angry that she is now seeing positive changes in me over these past few months. She can't figure out why I had to wait until we reached the bottom for me to change. Did have some positive conversation late this evening. She is noticing my changes for the better. We have a long road, and I am monitoring this site and looking for encouragement. I have told some people about what is going on, as I need support in getting over my guilt. Some of you here have offered it, and that's one of my issues - getting over my guilt. Thanks.

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