Marriage Builders®
Posted By: L2010NM Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 04:58 AM
I am new to the forum but not new to Marriage Builders. Been lurking here for a while since DDay. There are great advice in here..thanks so much in advance. But some advice hasn't penetrated in my head though!

My marriage has always been a roller coaster ride. Didn't realize how much of a roller coaster it was until last year. When I found out about my H PA I was completely shocked. I was physically ill. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe that my life was a lie for over a year and who knows maybe more because if he was capable of keeping it for a long time he was capable of anything. He was probably the best liar I know. The first PA started in July 2008 and it ended in July 2009. The other PA started May 2009 and ended September 2009. So there was an overlap. He was diagnosed as a sex addict in December 2009. He said that the affairs were just sex and and escape and he wasn't in love with them. His needs were met by their adoration that he was the greatest thing. I was too busy with the kids, house and travelling that I neglected him and I own up to that, still, that was not an excuse to commit adultery. He says that he has sex addiction tendency but refused to be labeled as one. BTW, there was no interruption in our sex life and I figured that he wouldn't stray as long as I was always willing.

I wanted so much to have an amazing marriage ever since we got married that we worked on the marriage instead. From January 2010-May 2010 he attended 3 sex addiction workshops and intensives and we attended 3 couples workshop and intensives as well. A lot of time and money has been spent and invested on working on our marriage on the first 5 months of this year. My rationale was that I would do whatever it takes to give this dying marriage a chance. I really thought that by June we would be the most amazing couple that survived infidelity. I gave my H a deadline that by the end of May, I'll tell him that I will file for divorce or we've graduated and survived the affairs.

During the first two months, I kept asking my H of all the details of the affairs. and how he is such a man [censored] for not having any control and not thinking at all the implications of his actions and on top of that he literally placed my life in his own hands with sleeping with these loose women without protection. He should have picked decent women but they were the sluts of the town (can you feel my self-righteous attitude?). The first one was 10 years younger than him and the second one was 10 years older than him so he was an equal opportunity adulterer. I realized that my H was the best liar I know. How could he keep a secret all to himself for such a very long time. Anyway, around March he didn't want to talk about it anymore and told me to talk to a therapist, my family and friends because he didn't see the reason to ask questions. Meanwhile, I was still extremely angry at him. I just couldn't let go of his lies and deceit. I kept most of it to myself and everyone thought that I was over the infidelities and even my therapist said that I was fine. I wasn't, not even close...

I met my OM in June. I was surprised that he noticed me because I don't get to meet a lot of people especially men. We started very innocently and progressed in the summer. The most amazing thing is that I didn't care if my H was telling me the truth or not anymore. I didn't care if he screwed around again. I found relief of my pain with my OM. He was my refuge and escape. I thought I had this amazing guy. He's divorced with no kids and his wife cheated on him as well. I thought, what are the chances that I would find someone in the same situation. I thought that this must be from God and I was to be with him. I felt so infatuated with him and couldn't stop thinking about him and still can't get him off my mind. In August, I slept with him only once. I was filled with guilt and I tried to bury it. I was definitely in a fog and couldn't find my way out. I didn't care about anything just as long as I had him. I actually told my H about him one week before the PA that I would like to separate and that there was another man. He freaked out. I couldn't understand why he was so upset because he did the same thing to me but didn't have the guts to own up to his actions. Atleast I had the decency to come clean. He told me to stop contact with the OM but I was not ready to give up my high. He asked how we met and I was so protective of my OM that I lied on how we met. He demanded that I write a no contact email and I did...to a fictitious email. Good thing he didn't email the false email or I would have gotten caught. I had to cover my tracks with that false email by lying that the guy moved to a different workplace. The truth is that my OM isn't in my workplace. In the meantime, the OM and I were still in contact and I surprised myself on how well I could also lie. He was my drug and I would do anything to have my fix. He had mentioned to me that he was guilty of being the OM and he said that he promised himself that he would never do this to the other man or be the other man. But we still have contact with each other. He told me recently that he couldn't do this anymore that he couldn't share me or be the other man. He hopes that we could be together one day when I am no longer with my H.

I was ready to divorce my H to be with him but the cloud or the fog is lifting and I'm torn because my H worked hard to be a better H and father and now has the education to avoid going back to his acting out. It is never guaranteed that he would never act out but should I take that chance? I don't know if I can survive another affair from my H. He also needs to to work on his anger issues and as well as many others but it's a huge improvement before the explosion. He has been accountable of his whereabouts and have disclosed all his passwords and encourages me to go with him when he goes out of town. I, on the other hand, thought that I was entitled to have this affair and just be plain selfish because I've always given and sacrificed myself for my family.

I told my OM that I needed to focus on D and hope we can be together when the D is over. He hopes the same thing too. There won't be any contact until my H is out of the picture. But who am I kidding? Am I really going to throw away my M for a guy that I don't truly know and I start over again and disrupt my kids life and lifestyle? I've asked my H to move out and to work out a separation agreement. I've already met with my lawyer but I'm having second thoughts. I think I mostly did it because I wanted so much to be with my OM. But by the grace of God, the fog is now lifting and I want to work on my M and would like my family to thrive. How do I tell my H that I lied as well as he had? In my opinion, I think my affair is worse even though I only did it once versus 100X with his because I had the knowledge and tools. I've read the responses in these forum, I've read several books on infidelities, sex addiction, surviving affairs, I've attended these workshops and intensives and yet I STILL DID IT! How can I tell my H what I've done? I think my H will forgive me because he told his therapist that he didn't care if I slept with my OM or not. He is happy just as long as I am willing to work on the marriage. I feel ashamed of what I've done. I know two wrongs don't make a right and it will be something that I'll have to live with the rest of my life. It was a temporary relief at that time when I needed an escape. I think my OM is happy that I'm out of his life right now and I feel used for what I've done. I also know that my OM and I chances on having a successful marriage is less than 7% and a relationship based on infidelity has no foundation so my chances on my M is actually higher!

How and when I should I come clean with my husband? I told him that I am having second thoughts of the separation but he said that he wanted to prove to me that even though it will be very hard for him, he will move out and prove that he values my wishes and will do whatever it takes to keep me and the family together.
Posted By: Mr_Recon6mo Re: Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 05:36 AM
Hello, Lost and welcome.

Of course it could be worse - just read the threads from divorcing/divorced or pregnancy/child forums.

I think the sex addiction diagnosis is a cop-out. We are all wired for having affairs. You do know it now. Instead of useless workshops etc, use MB.

Your situation and marriage is very salvable. Solution is simple - stop lying and start telling the truth. Immediately. Of course your husband will be angry but your marriage will survive anger, it will not survive lying and cheating.

Tell him the full truth about OM and send real NC. Tell him the truth that there is actually an OM behind separation agreement and divorce plans. Do not try to minimize or justify what happend, just give him facts.

By both of you knowing the pain from infidelity, I think it can be somewhat easier to recover or at least you do understand in deeper level what the other person feels.

There is only one way to get out of this mess - stop the affair and tell your husband the full truth about HIS life. Stop entertaining the thoughts that you and OM will be together after D, its cruel. Think about your boys and their future instead.

The fog is lifting, take the final step.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 10:35 AM
Welcome, lost. We'll try to help you.

First, understand that this is not an atypical situation. Your H had and A. Your M did not recover from that. You then had a A. You both have some work to do to recover this M.

It's probable that your H is no a sex addict - your H has already told you why he had the A's. He has a need for attention, which you weren't filling. My vision of a 'sex addict' is someone practically walking around with their winky out, looking for adventure from any source. That doesn't sound like your H. It sounds to me like he had a good ol' garden variety A. Twice. Because you never healed from the first one.

You probably had an A (some would call it a revenge A) to affirm your desirability. It is playing with fire. You have become addicted. Of course, you don't want to trade one set of problems for another, and I'm glad you're here before making the fatal mistake of D and destroying your children's home.

Your counselor is worthless. Don't go back there. Most counselors are absolutely useless when it comes to healing from adultery.

The bottom line is that you both have lost sight of filling each others' needs. You lost your boundaries and had affairs. Okay. It's a horrible thing, but your can recover if you both are willing.

Start reading this site. Make it your business to read everything on here. Pay particular attention to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Buy Surviving an Affair - it'll be one of your best investments in your M.

Your H is wrong about answering your questions. We'll talk more about that. For now, start reading.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 12:30 PM
Honestly, your husband probably already knows, so the quicker you get the truth out there, the quicker you can put this all behind you.

Also, you probably have a better change of getting cheated on by your OM than your husband at this point. Trust me in that your husband has learned his lesson. OM on the other hand, currently seems not to care about the whole "married is off limits" philosophy. He's not a good guy. Any person that got cheated on and then does that to someone else is has no soul.

You don't have to stay with your FWH(BH). However, it would be stupid to leave him now while you are under the fog. It would also be stupid to think that you could have a lasting relationship w/ OM. It's better to go NC w/ OM for life, put conditions in place to prevent contact from EVER happening again, defog, and then figure out what you want in life. The quicker you rip this bandaid off, the better you will feel.

And to answer your question, yes, you could be worse. If you continue to contact this OM and lie to your husband. It's time to confess your sins and repent.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 01:47 PM
Lost,

Just wanted to state that God would never send you anyone who would lead you to break your own marriage vows, commit adultery or lie to your husband or others. So OM isn't from God. Where he came from I can't say, but God didn't send him your way as a reward for your suffering or as a replacement for your husband.

And just so you know, the statistical likelihood of your relationship with this OM ending in marriage is about 0.05 probability of getting that far. And the probability of it resulting in a better, happier and long lasting marriage of even 5 years is about 0.0375 at best. For perspective, playing Russian roulette with a 6 shot revolver is a probability of 0.8333 that you will not kill yourself or "win." This is 0.96 that you will lose. Not very good odds.

Snowball in hell comes to mind here...

Your probability of being able to repair your marriage and end up happy with your current husband is better than 0.35 or so and that might be the better bet as compared to 0.037 for your chances with OM. In other words, you are 100 times more likely to end up in a happy marriage with your husband than with OM.


Your current situation is not the result of your husband's affair but the result of yours. To stand any chance of recovery or even of doing what would be the right thing to do you need to cut all ties with OM. Not just a promise to not keep fooling around until after a divorce but no contact of any kind and a commitment to that NC for the rest of your life. ONLY under such conditions can there be any chance that your marriage might be restored. As long as OM is waiting in the wings you won't give all that you have and your husband can't give all that he has because you won't be accepting what he is giving as long as you are waiting for OM to ride in and carry you away.

Mark
Posted By: sunnydaze53 Re: Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 02:14 PM
You cannot make a clear and rational decision while there is any possibility of life with the OM. He needs to be completely out of the picture and give your marriage a good 2 years or so. Even if your marriage fails, you cannot be invisioning a future with the OM or this will color your final decision.

Good luck.
Posted By: SapphireReturns Re: Could I be worse? - 09/21/10 07:33 PM
Originally Posted By: sunnydaze53
You cannot make a clear and rational decision while there is any possibility of life with the OM. He needs to be completely out of the picture and give your marriage a good 2 years or so. Even if your marriage fails, you cannot be invisioning a future with the OM or this will color your final decision.

Good luck.


I was just thinking that, as long as there is a nc letter then OM will always be in the back of your head.

Send out a real NC letter
Tell your H the truth

Once you do those two things, then you will be amazed how light you will be feeling.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 09/22/10 12:31 AM
Thank you so much for your responses!

How could I be such a fool? Especially at my age! I wasn't thinking at all. I own my actions and I was very selfish and foolish and I hurt my kids, H and family by doing this.

You're right, I have a little idea how my H was feeling at that time of his A. I am reluctant to disclose my A to my H right away. I am ashamed for being such a fool. I am not prepared to give him the details yet or who the OM is. He wanted to know who he was so he can beat my OM! H was suicidal when I told him that I wanted a divorce. I understand that there is no best time to reveal my A. I know I have to if my M has a chance to survive.

There is no OM in my life anymore. I doubt if he will be the one who would contact me first. I really think he is happy that I am out of the picture and he doesn't have to be guilty of being the OM. I don't think he care so much about me. I have no plans on contacting him ever again. We have zero chance of a future together (thanks Mark!). What's the point of NC letter when we don't plan on contacting each other ever again?

Should I tell my husband after three months of separation or should I tell him now and let him stay and perhaps work on M if he accepts and forgives me?

Then I thought, should I really settle for my H who has hurt me so badly? This is my chance to leave. Am I able to survive another of his A's? It could be 10-15 from now and it will be more difficult for me to start over. Plus, he doesn't know how to communicate. It's so boring talking to him. I always have to find something to talk about and it's never a flowing conversation. I am sorry for being indecisive. I am going to read more on this site. I think he is now open on getting help and would welcome the tools in this site.
Posted By: Gamma Re: Could I be worse? - 09/22/10 12:44 AM
Lost,

Should I tell my husband after three months of separation or should I tell him now and let him stay and perhaps work on M if he accepts and forgives me?

I think you need to tell him the complete truth no matter what the outcome, this is also about your honesty and re- establishing your integrity. Even if you get divorced you will have nothing to hide from your next spouse if you are honest now.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Could I be worse? - 09/22/10 01:53 AM
Quote:
What's the point of NC letter when we don't plan on contacting each other ever again?

Should I tell my husband after three months of separation or should I tell him now and let him stay and perhaps work on M if he accepts and forgives me?


The NC letter shows your H an active attempt to do the right thing. It is also a form of protection for YOU - you can't determine what the OM might or might not do. He could very well attempt to contact you. This is a stand on behalf of your integrity, regardless of whether your H wishes to R the M. And as for that? Yes, you should tell your H now. It's a matter of respect for him and yourself. No more deceit.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Could I be worse? - 09/22/10 01:57 AM
Tell your husband NOW, tell him EVERYTHING, all the details all at once. The worst thing you can do is continue to lie and then let the information trickle out little by little. You are making excuses not to tell him right away, not because you aren't sure it is the right thing to do, but because you don't want to pay the piper and deal with the consequences. Quit being a coward.

And then send the NC letter with your husband's approval. The point is letting OM know without a shadow of a doubt it is over for good so he doesn't try and contact you, to keep you from contacting him because you ended the possibility of any relationship, and to put your husband's mind at ease.

Don't pat yourself on the back yet. You haven't done anything yet except talk. It's time to walk the walk.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 09/24/10 10:07 PM
I am afraid of telling him the WHOLE truth. I don't want to tell him the OM's name because I fear that my H will hurt him physically. I was about to tell him two days ago and he was getting upset already and telling me that he wants to see him and beat him up...thank God he still thinks it's my co-worker. He told me that I should have beat up his women! What is that?!? How do I tell my H the truth without him being violent?

I don't want to send OM a NC letter. I got my pride and I would never contact him EVER and I don't think he will contact me either. I think people that are in this fog (middle of affair) will contact each other regardless if the NC letter was sent.

I still don't trust my H. I am in the same boat as I was before my craziness. Now I'm wondering if he is telling me the truth or wondering where he is if he is with his women. I hate being in this position. I like it when I didn't care what he was doing or if he was still having an A's.

I've started to read more on this site so hopefully it will help me and my situation. I told my H about this site as well and is open to checking the site out...baby steps I guess.

Hope you guys can help with two very stubborn people.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Could I be worse? - 09/24/10 10:19 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
I am afraid of telling him the WHOLE truth. I don't want to tell him the OM's name because I fear that my H will hurt him physically. I was about to tell him two days ago and he was getting upset already and telling me that he wants to see him and beat him up...thank God he still thinks it's my co-worker. He told me that I should have beat up his women! What is that?!? How do I tell my H the truth without him being violent?
Why do you want to protect your dirtbag OM? Getting beaten up by a pissed-off husband is something that he should have thought about before jumping in the sack with you. That risk comes with being an adulterer.

I don't want to send OM a NC letter. I got my pride and I would never contact him EVER and I don't think he will contact me either. I think people that are in this fog (middle of affair) will contact each other regardless if the NC letter was sent.
You're not sending a NC letter for YOU. You're sending it for your husband as an act of compensation for your adultery. It's a physical act to show him your commitment to him and your remorse for the A. Lose that pride thingy you've got going here. You want to keep your pride for OM? Why should you care what he thinks of you??

I still don't trust my H. I am in the same boat as I was before my craziness. Now I'm wondering if he is telling me the truth or wondering where he is if he is with his women. I hate being in this position. I like it when I didn't care what he was doing or if he was still having an A's.
You are both in the position of not being worthy of trust. This is normal. You've got some work to do to earn back any semblance of trust.

I've started to read more on this site so hopefully it will help me and my situation. I told my H about this site as well and is open to checking the site out...baby steps I guess.

Hope you guys can help with two very stubborn people.
I'm willing to give it a crack. smile You sound redeemable to me. A little too prideful and selfish right now, but I see potential.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Could I be worse? - 09/24/10 10:53 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
I am afraid of telling him the WHOLE truth. I don't want to tell him the OM's name because I fear that my H will hurt him physically. .


Your husband has a right to know the name of the OM. For you to place the well being of this scumbag over your own husband indicates that you don't care about your husband. You and the OM are dangerous to him as long as you conceal his ID.

If your H is going to beat him up, then I would text the OM a nc message and warn him that he is going to get a much deserved ass whooping from your husband.

You can't possibly expect to recover your marriage when you are still lying to your H and protecting this loser OM. The idenity of loserOM is information your H has a RIGHT TO KNOW and you have no right to withhold it from him.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 09/30/10 05:52 PM
Well, I told him last night about the whole truth of OM. H has been in Vegas for work since beginning of the week. I was suppose to tag along with him then but felt guilty that I haven't been spending time with the kids. So I changed my flight to Wednesday night. Our plan was to watch a few shows and go to the spas and return on Monday.

On the plane here, I recognized the author that wrote a book about her affair! Her and her husband speaks on marriages and how people can survive affairs. She actually had an affair and got pregnant and kept the baby from the OM and now almost ten years after they not only survived but they are truly in love with each other and having the an amazing marriage. This time I think she was really sent from God. I've been on the fence on whether I should stay or go. God has a plan for me and my husband and used the intervention on the plane! The plane was empty in the back and I had a chance to talk to her for two hours! No kids, no phone interruptions!

She actually said the same thing you guys suggested and I just needed another affirmation. So when I got off the plane, my H can tell something is up. I waited until we were in our room and dropped the bombshell. He took it pretty well but EXTREMELY upset. We didn't sleep last night. He wants to go home after his meetings and see the OM...actually he said beat the crap out of him that his lucky if he could walk. Before that I told him to promise me that he would hurt him but changed his mind after I told him. I want this time for is to sort things out. This is our chance without a lot of distractions. What should I do the next few days? BTW, he wants me to have a tattoo that says I'm committed to him just like what he did in the spring time. I'm not willing to do that. I never had one and don't plan on getting one. He said that I'm not committed to this M then. Also, he left his wedding ring in the room. I asked if that was deliberate and he said 'yes'. I haven't worn mine since the explosion either so I guess I deserve it.

I'll probably contact the OM to give him a heads up about my H. I really hope he just meets him and that's it.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 09/30/10 06:06 PM
I'm posting on my phone. I hope I make sense here. Thanks so
much in advance for your replies.

I am (although reluctantly) willing to send OM NC letter but I'll do it. I truly thought the NC is for me and OM and not for my H.
Posted By: Vibrissa Re: Could I be worse? - 09/30/10 06:48 PM
Don't call OM and tell him about your BH.

How disrespectful. You're conspiring WITH your OM at the expense of your H.

I hope your H doesn't beat him up - but you have NO BUSINESS calling OM. NONE.

And NC includes your BH as well, he should have NC w/ OM if he wants to save the marriage,
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Could I be worse? - 09/30/10 07:07 PM
NC w/ OM for life. You only send out a NC letter that your husband approves. It is for HIS sake more than yours, and it is definitely not out of courtesy to the OM. Do not call him, email him, text him, at all. If your husband catches him off-guard, then so be it. OM is NOT your concern.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 09/30/10 08:22 PM
I talked my H not to contact him for several weeks. I hope that time will calm him down. I truly hope that he doesn't contact the OM FOREVER too. I told him that we need to focus on our marriage and not have OM distract us. He said that he is throwing the blame on OM than me. I know that this time it was my fault and I am glad that I came clean.

I still have deep feelings for OM and I don't want him hurt. I am still in the grieving stage, it's only been 1 week and 3 days so the feelings for OM is still very fresh. I am standing strong...it just distracts me when H goes on his rants and rage. I really want us to focus on our marriage rather than getting distracted.

Is there anything else I can do especially this weekend?
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Could I be worse? - 09/30/10 08:29 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
I talked my H not to contact him for several weeks. I hope that time will calm him down. I truly hope that he doesn't contact the OM FOREVER too. I told him that we need to focus on our marriage and not have OM distract us. He said that he is throwing the blame on OM than me. I know that this time it was my fault and I am glad that I came clean.

I still have deep feelings for OM and I don't want him hurt. I am still in the grieving stage, it's only been 1 week and 3 days so the feelings for OM is still very fresh. I am standing strong...it just distracts me when H goes on his rants and rage. I really want us to focus on our marriage rather than getting distracted.

Is there anything else I can do especially this weekend?


Are you kidding me? "The grieving stage"? "getting distracted?" You just threw a bomb at your BH and you don't want him to get distracted and to just "focus" on your marriage?

Hon, you can't wish your BH into getting over it. It will take YEARS for that to happen. Your job during that time is to focus on complete no-contact, retraining your brain not to dwell on POSOM, and to meet your BH's ENs. He is in PAIN right now.

Have you written POSOM a no-contact letter? Don't mail it if you have, give it to your BH, let him approve it and mail it. Then give your BH all your passwords, change your cellphone number, delete your old email address or block POSOM, delete your FB account if you have one... in otherwords make yourself 1000% transparent from here on out.

Your BH will need time. This isn't something you can fix right away, but you can fix it (if your willing).
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 05:28 AM
Well, my H told me that he put a call out to physically hurt OM eventhough he promised that he won't. What can expect from a cheater that can tell lies for 1.5 years! I am so mad at my H right now.

I called the new friend I met on the plane and called the OM. So I didn't contact him directly but atleast he has been warned and to watch his back. I still have strong feelings for other man and I probably did fall for him but just won't admit it. I will get over him but I don't think I can get over my H hurting him.

This isn't as bad as when I found out about my H affairs but this is pretty close.

I am apologizing to my H for protecting the 'enemy'. I am telling him that I want him and I choose our family.

What else can I do?
Posted By: Mr_Recon6mo Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 07:38 AM
For example you could take MB advice from now on.

Instead of stabbing your H again by warning OM behind his back.

Even if your marriage will enter into real recovery in future, this fact will be a huge obstacle for him to overcome.

In your words you say that you choose your family but your wayward actions say otherwise.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 12:32 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
Well, my H told me that he put a call out to physically hurt OM eventhough he promised that he won't. What can expect from a cheater that can tell lies for 1.5 years! I am so mad at my H right now.

I called the new friend I met on the plane and called the OM. So I didn't contact him directly but atleast he has been warned and to watch his back. I still have strong feelings for other man and I probably did fall for him but just won't admit it. I will get over him but I don't think I can get over my H hurting him.

This isn't as bad as when I found out about my H affairs but this is pretty close.

I am apologizing to my H for protecting the 'enemy'. I am telling him that I want him and I choose our family.

What else can I do?


If you are going to keep contacting OM against our advice, why don't you just post on TOW board? Seriously, don't pat yourself on the back for "ending" the affair yet. You just told your husband. You haven't put extraordinary precautions to prevent contact because you are still contacting him. You are an affront to all BS that post here. Clean up your act. You act so entitled because your husband did this to you. It's disgusting. I know you can't probably see it that way now, but it's true, and other posters will tell you the same thing.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 01:33 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
I talked my H not to contact him for several weeks. I hope that time will calm him down. I truly hope that he doesn't contact the OM FOREVER too. I told him that we need to focus on our marriage and not have OM distract us. He said that he is throwing the blame on OM than me. I know that this time it was my fault and I am glad that I came clean.

I still have deep feelings for OM and I don't want him hurt. I am still in the grieving stage, it's only been 1 week and 3 days so the feelings for OM is still very fresh. I am standing strong...it just distracts me when H goes on his rants and rage. I really want us to focus on our marriage rather than getting distracted.


Are you kidding me? You have just delivered a blow as traumatic as rape or the death of a child to your H and you don't want to be "distracted" with your husbands pain? Do you not understand what you have done to this man?

You have just inflicted a major blow to this man and your concern is about yourself? That is simply amazing in its callousness and cruelty. Are you a cruel person?
Posted By: Vibrissa Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 01:33 PM
You just went back on Contact, sending messages through a third party is still contact.

Apologizing to your H after the fact doesn't make it better. You knew what you were doing, you knew it was wrong. As long as you keep choosing OM over your H, your marriage has no chance.

I hope your H doesn't go after OM for HIS OWN SAKE. Your worry should be for your H, NOT OM. OM deserves whats coming for him for his scummy low ways.

You can get over your H hurting OM when you realize what scum he is. He isn't wonderful, or amazing, or sensitive. He is the lowest of the low. What makes it WORSE is that he was once betrayed himself, as were you. You KNOW how much pain it creates and you both purposfully inflicted it on your H.

You keep bringing up your H's affairs. As if it somehow excuses your own.

It doesn't.

Your affair reflects NOTHING about your H and EVERYTHING about you, your character, and your morals (or lack thereof).

You're deep in a fog, where up is down and down is up. Like a pilot flying through a cloud. We're the instruments trying to tell you which way is up, you keep not listening to us you're going to crash into the ground.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 01:39 PM
You guys can blame me for the message sent to the OM. She wasn't going to tell her H the OM's identity for fear he would beat him up. So I told her to tell her H and then text the OM and tell him to prepare for an ass whooping.

He has it coming, but like you others I worry about the legal fallout for the BH.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 01:40 PM
here is the post where this came up:

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
I am afraid of telling him the WHOLE truth. I don't want to tell him the OM's name because I fear that my H will hurt him physically. .


Your husband has a right to know the name of the OM. For you to place the well being of this scumbag over your own husband indicates that you don't care about your husband. You and the OM are dangerous to him as long as you conceal his ID.

If your H is going to beat him up, then I would text the OM a nc message and warn him that he is going to get a much deserved ass whooping from your husband.

You can't possibly expect to recover your marriage when you are still lying to your H and protecting this loser OM. The idenity of loserOM is information your H has a RIGHT TO KNOW and you have no right to withhold it from him.
Posted By: Vibrissa Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 01:42 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost2010
it just distracts me when H goes on his rants and rage. I really want us to focus on our marriage rather than getting distracted.

Is there anything else I can do especially this weekend?


Yeah, grow some compassion.

Focus on your marriage= helping your husband through the pain he is ranting and raving about.

Yes, you've been hurt too, yes one day you will have to address his infidelities. But his pain is FRESH it is CURRENT, he has a bleeding wound, yours has scabbed over for now. So address the bleed first.
Posted By: black_raven Re: Could I be worse? - 10/01/10 02:34 PM
I may get a 2x4 for this, but here goes...

You were wrong for your A, Lost but I don't have much sympathy for your WH/BH and can't stand his hypocrisy. I think most BSs can understand your struggle to want to feel "normal" again...OM was the wrong way to go about it though. No matter what happens in your M, you don't want to be THAT woman.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 10/02/10 07:37 AM
Thank you for your all your advice. As mentioned before, I admitted that I felt entitled to this affair and I was wrong to feel that way. I didn't want to contact the OM but I was afraid for his safety and figured to if someone else will contact him and I don't contact him directly then that was okay. Sorry, I don't know all the rules yet. However, I'm not going to apologize for warning someone. I would have done that with ANYBODY...even the two women (I hope there's just two) that I hate the most in this entire world that ruined my life!!! Now I heard that OM will fight back and will bring down my H. I don't want my H hurt AT ALL! I love my H despite what he had done to me. I know I've hurt him too but why can't they just talk it out? I know this is my fault and acknowledge that and I feel terrible for what I've done. Hence, I am worse than my H that's why I titled this topic! I knew most of the anatomy of the affairs yet I STILL DID IT. I can't talk to OM to just back off. I told my H that he will fight back. What a mess!

I admit that I'm still in the fog. I admit that I have not been thinking clearly. I am trying to wake up. I want to do right thing but it's not a switch that I can turn it on and off so easily. I want to get over the OM as soon as possible but it's only been two weeks!

The good news is that my H has calmed down a little bit since our second explosion. He is still badly hurt but I have been comforting him and been trying my best to give him what he needs. We actually talked about the reason behind both our affairs what what that OP have fed us and what we needed at that time the most. I am so proud of my H for staying with me this weekend and us being open with each other. I've agreed to change my cell phone number, give him all my passwords and agreed to sign an agreement of NC. He wants a lie detector test from me in a few months and I agreed to that as well. He does not want me to send a NC letter to OM. I am going to abide to all his requests within reason of course.

Please keep in mind that when I found about his affairs. He was not required to do any of that. He did offer to give me his password to his cell phone but I don't have access to his work phone, email email. He actually saw one of the affair#1 that week I found out about his affairs and didn't mention it to me that he talked to her and only found out when I saw their pictures on the internet! He even met with the affair#2 because she needed closure. Even today there's a trickle of information that I didn't know about. I'm sure there's more but I don't have the energy to focus on that right now.

I better get off this forum (for now( to give my husband my undivided attention. Thank you for all your advice.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Could I be worse? - 10/02/10 02:20 PM
Honestly, shut up already about OM. You should not have contacted him for any reason. He was never in any real danger, and even if he was, it wasn't your place to contact him. So stop trying to defend the indefensible. You are just going to pi$$ everyone off that would try and help you.
Posted By: SapphireReturns Re: Could I be worse? - 10/03/10 01:09 AM
Every time I see you write about OM I want to puke
Posted By: black_raven Re: Could I be worse? - 10/04/10 04:28 PM
Originally Posted By: jmwc95
You are just going to pi$$ everyone off that would try and help you.


I will still help Lost2010. It takes a great deal of courage to admit to the things she has said.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 12/29/10 03:29 AM
Hi Everyone! Wow! I didn't just get 2x4's but got 4x8's!!! I was really in a deep fog then and I must admit I still have a couple of patches here and there.

I hope you guys are willing to help me still. blush

I saw a text from H cell phone on Christmas day wishing him a 'Merry Christmas and hope he has a good day' to a phone number that wasn't saved in his contact list.

Knowing the other side of how this works. I called the number (land line) and it was a woman who answered the phone. I hanged up. The voice was a little older and sounded like a smoker (no offense). I texted a reply on my H phone wishing this person 'Merry Christmas and any plans?'. No reply from the other number. I did a reverse number just to get the city (for now) because the area code isn't from our area. The city is two hours away from where H would visit once or twice a month. I called the number again from his cell phone and she didn't answer but just a voicemail so I got her name. I called again on the land line and she didn't answer again. I finally asked my H if she knows somebody from this city and he said that he doesn't know anybody from that city. I asked if she knows somebody named 'x' and he said 'no'. I told him that someone texted you from that number. He said that he doesn't know anybody from that city and anybody with that name. He called the number himself to listen to the voicemail and he said he doesn't recognize the voice either. He said he doesn't mind me getting to the bottom of anything and being transparent but he was upset that I'm playing detective without him.

This could just be a wrong text sent to the wrong person but I am no longer a naive W who would accept H BS. Hope you guys can help on my next step from here.

Update since beginning of October:

We went home from our trip and H went crazy. Absolutely nutso!! He wrote OM name all over the walls of our house. Threatened to kick me out at 2am! Then the next day he was all calm and offered to drop me off at work but instead drove to OM workplace. I wanted to get out of the car but he wouldn't let me but finally got out. Wrote OM name's all over my car and dropped it off there. The police got involved but no one got hurt. H spoke with OM and to leave us alone to let us have a chance to restore our M even with his multiple affairs. And if he ever contacts me then there will be trouble.

H is just learning about MB but he executed a good exposure. Plus my H has the greatest ally of all-my mother. I am so sure my mom called OM and that sealed the deal. I realize how stupid I was to get involved with OM and although OM was a relief to my hurt from H affairs, he only complicated things. I am glad to be out of the fog.

I asked if he wants me to send a contact letter and he doesn't want to. He doesn't see the point but I have a new cell phone number(actually H has my old one). We have read HNHN and I'm currently reading SAA. We also watched the Basic Concepts DVD. We'll be reading Love
Busters together. My plan is to do a phone in with either Steve or Jennifer in the new year because I have a huge anger issues with what H has done to me...HUGE!!! I am past year one and I am still very angry at hIm at times. And we have gaps on our EP with his travels.

You know, I really wished that we started off my MB program FIRST than the last one. So much time, effort, money was flushed down the drain.

What do you think? H has been transparent but now this text. I will never let my guards down.
Posted By: L2010NM Re: Could I be worse? - 02/14/11 10:35 PM
Found out who texted H during Christmas. It was his friend and his wife. He forwarded me the email which is good. But he was upset that I am doing 'detective' work on him and that we should have investigated together.

It's terrible having to always guess if he's at it again. A couple of nights ago during SF, H mentioned that I was tight (I guess OW were (I hope)/ are loose (pun intended)). He said that during his A's before and I'm suspicious again. I'll have to get a VAR and all the spying stuff.

I wasn't aware of the MB policies and never exposed H A's. My family knows but that's about it. OW2 ex-H was never told, but they were separated at during the A anyway (I know that for sure because we were friends with OWH). I think it's too late but I will definitely expose full nuclear to the whole world if he does it again.

Also, OW2 keeps on stalking me, I always see her atleast once a week and now goes to the hot yoga I go to. She has no shame, argh!!!!

We've been doing the 15-20 hours a week but I still don't have any feelings for him. When do I get these feelings back? I'm faking it until I make it. I prayed not to love him during both A's (and I didn't even know that he was in A's at that time) and my prayers have been answered. Maybe it's because my top emotional needs is 'conversation' and he sucks at it. We were eating breakfast the other day and he was admiring the chair instead of paying attention to me or talking to me! Or it could be that I don't ever want to get hurt and be vulnerable again that I've created wall to protect myself. I don't want to live the rest of my life in this marriage without feelings for my H. How do I love my H back? How long do I have to wait to get that feelings back? Maybe I'm just one of the few that can't get over it.

I still have feelings for OM, could it be that? Maybe I'm still in withdrawal but it's been months already. I guess I don't get over anything quickly.

Hope cupid will struck me tonight.
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