Marriage Builders®
Posted By: RT74 Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 01:40 PM
I've been perusing the forums here for a while now, and finally decided to ask for advice.

My wife of 2 years got a new job in April, and immediately started spending more and more time away from home. She would leave instantly to hang out with her new coworker (who lives in our apartment complex). She would do this even if we had plans.

I discovered that she was telling bizarre stories about me to her new coworker, and telling her very personal things about me...after only knowing her for a few weeks. She mentioned to me that her friend was constantly unfaithful to her husband, and that at her new job, "everyone is married but cheats."

I noticed that she spent more and more time at work and with her friend. She would chat on Facebook 4 hours a day. I didn't mind this at first, because my wife has always had problems making friends, and I tried to support her. But I eventually told her that I didn't like her to be gone every day, and asked her nicely not to reveal personal details about me or us to someone whom she had not known for very long. She got angry, and started spending more time away, including canceling our Labor Day weekend plans and going off with her friend.

This made me suspicious, and when I looked at her computer I saw it was suddenly password protected. I found her password and took a look. She had been going out with someone she had gone out with before we met, and was telling people she was in love with him. She also was saying that "there are a couple of other guys, but something always gets in the way." She had been trying to have sex with a coworker who was married, and bragged about how close she was to "breaking him down."

There were also many more weird untrue stories about how horrible I am, including events that never took place. It was beyond weird to read. She was talking to her coworkers about how she was, as she calls it, "flirting" with multiple men, and how they wanted her. She had been going "out for drinks" regularly with at least two different men whom she wanted.

She came home (from a party apparently) as I was leaving that holiday weekend. She yelled at me incessantly. It was the day before our 2nd anniversary. She said she wanted a divorce, and that she wanted me to leave now. She said she never wanted to see me again.

I checked her computer again, and saw that this had been going on for months. She was telling people that "we both have completely checked out of this relationship." When I confronted her about seeing other men behind my back, she denied it for weeks. When I showed her evidence, she said "That's true, but that's all that happened." She would say this every time I showed her something new.

Now she states that she never loved me, she got married because she didn't want to be alone, and she never actually had sex with anyone. She has still continued to treat me the same way as was usual, she always is all over me, still wants sex, constantly touching me, etc.

Should I even bother with trying to sort this out? She claims she has done nothing wrong, and that it was inexcusable for me to look through her things.

Thanks for any advice you can give, apologies for the length- I tried to summarize as best I could.
Posted By: americajin Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 01:52 PM
RT74 - one big question before anything else. Do you have any children?
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 01:54 PM
No children. We both do not want them, and we mutually agreed on a vasectomy for me last year.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 01:58 PM
How old are you?
She?

Short M.

Before you can do anything, you need to put a key logger on her computer and snoop.
You can't even really begin to do any MB strategies until you have the truth.
Read Surviving an Affair. It will give you great insight.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 02:05 PM
Im 35, she is 25. We have been together for 5 years.

Now that she knows I have looked at it, she never uses her computer at home anymore. She makes her phone calls and uses her computer at work now. I managed to see most of her chat logs already, thanks to her not knowing how to clear her history. She did initially make the claim that she "made sure to leave no traces online" for me to find.

She claims that now she hasn't "been talking to anyone," and that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, except that she doesn't want to be with me. She is spending most of her time at home, spending time with me like we used to, but she refuses to talk about any of this.
Originally Posted By: RT74
Im 35, she is 25. We have been together for 5 years.

Now that she knows I have looked at it, she never uses her computer at home anymore. She makes her phone calls and uses her computer at work now. I managed to see most of her chat logs already, thanks to her not knowing how to clear her history. She did initially make the claim that she "made sure to leave no traces online" for me to find.

She claims that now she hasn't "been talking to anyone," and that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, except that she doesn't want to be with me. She is spending most of her time at home, spending time with me like we used to, but she refuses to talk about any of this.


She needs to quit that job. Today.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 02:10 PM
She will not quit the job. She says she loves it, and has room to get promoted.

The problem is that she gets advice from people who she has been telling these radical stories about me. She refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong.

I do admit that prior to this I hadn't been meeting her emotional needs, and I did start to withdraw when I saw she wasn't spending any time with me.
Originally Posted By: RT74
She will not quit the job. She says she loves it, and has room to get promoted.

The problem is that she gets advice from people who she has been telling these radical stories about me. She refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong.

I do admit that prior to this I hadn't been meeting her emotional needs, and I did start to withdraw when I saw she wasn't spending any time with me.


Have you talked to any of these people yourself?
Ok, you have several things on your plate, but the next steps you take are important and they should be taken regardless of whether or not you wish to save your marriage.

1. Expose. You need to expose her behavior to her family and co-workers and very importantly to her facebook friends. Let them know that your wife has been cheating, that you wish to save your marriage (if you do) and that you would appreciate their help and support. Do not warn her at all about this and just do it. Warning her will allow her to paint you as crazy and will blunt your efforts.
2. Get a lawyer.
3. I hope you didn’t get a vasectomy. Whatever you do, don’t have children with her right now, if ever.
4. Protect your finances. Move all joint account funds into an account only you control. This is to protect you from getting cleaned out, something she will try to do.

Finally, others will disagree with me on this point but I offer this advice: You married a clearly immature woman. You haven’t been married long. She has no respect for marital vows and shows some very deep psychological problems by her behavior (insecurity, a need for male attention, poor boundaries). My guess is that she suffered from sexual abuse at some point in her life.

Now, having not been married long, being married to an immature woman that is cheating on you, and given that you have no kids my advice is to divorce her, work on you, and then only date women in their 30s who have more maturity, are closer to your age, and can respect the institution of marriage.

Regardless of what you do, best of luck.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 02:23 PM
Yes, she had a falling out with her "new friend," and I spoke to her. She told me some of the ridiculous things she had been saying about me. Very embarrassing.

Apparently she almost lost her job because she would make up stories about me and just tell anyone who would listen, including men she was "flirting" with...which apparently was a lot. She did it to the point where all she was doing at work was complaining about me- about things that never happened.

Her friend told me that she doesn't know of her having sex with anyone, but there were men she didn't know about as well.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 02:27 PM
Honestly RT, she is way too young and immature for you. If she's running around cheating on your now after 2 years, just imagine how much you would have to put up with after 20 years (not that you would last that long). She probably wants you to foot the bill while she runs off and fools around with whoever she wants. She is using you. You have no children. You've only been married for 2 years. Your WW is extremely immature and hasn't grown up yet. It's time to say to yourself, "whoops, I made a mistake choosing the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with," and use that experience to choose more wisely in the future. Your WW has a character flaw that you probably conveniently overlooked.

What I would do is expose her affair to her friends and family, file for divorce, and kick her out of the apartment. If you can't kick her out, break your lease and find somewhere else. She needs to start footing her own bill, and you need to stop letting her use you. This marriage is not worth saving.

Now, there is the very small possibility that by kicking her out, cutting her off, and filing, she'll come crying back to you. The ONLY way that I would let her back is if she agrees to your conditions including counseling, marital boundaries, accounting for time, complete transparency, etc. If you wanted to save your marriage, my advice would probably be the best bet. She doesn't seem the type to leave a man until she has the next guy lined up, so if you dump her first, she'll probably come running back, not that you should take her back. I think she's clearly flawed. Why would you want to be with someone trying to run around on you and making up stuff about you?
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 02:42 PM
I actually have told her father about what she was doing (the married man she was going after is a friend of his), and he was not phased. She has apparently been telling her family that I am making all of it up. Some of her friends, as well.

Others she actually brags about this to, which is bizarre to me.

I really want this to work, when she wasn't doing this, she was very good to me. It seems as if I'm the only one at this point, though.
Posted By: bitbucket Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 03:17 PM
In total agreement with Jim and HTLD. You haven't been married long, have no kids together, and it doesn't look like you are going to get any support from her family.

Expose - not just to her friends and family, but to the wives of the men she's been flirting with and trying to 'break down'. A polite letter to the HR department where she works might also be in order. Kick her out, cut her off, and file for divorce.
Originally Posted By: bitbucket
In total agreement with Jim and HTLD. You haven't been married long, have no kids together, and it doesn't look like you are going to get any support from her family.

Expose - not just to her friends and family, but to the wives of the men she's been flirting with and trying to 'break down'. A polite letter to the HR department where she works might also be in order. Kick her out, cut her off, and file for divorce.


I agree, I was thinking the same thing, you need to expose all the OM's wife's and g/f's that your wife has been flirting with him and trying to sleep with them.
Originally Posted By: RT74
I actually have told her father about what she was doing (the married man she was going after is a friend of his), and he was not phased. She has apparently been telling her family that I am making all of it up. Some of her friends, as well.

Others she actually brags about this to, which is bizarre to me.

I really want this to work, when she wasn't doing this, she was very good to me. It seems as if I'm the only one at this point, though.


I know I'm going to totally shock HTLD, but I agree with him. I would file for divorce at this point. I'll even go so far as to say that she sounds mentally unstable.
You say she’s been good to you, yet she has cheated on you repeatedly, spreads lies about you, etc.

Your situation reminds me of me several years ago. I dated a very hot woman who was a bit crazy. Her hotness blinded me to her crazyness. I put up with the crazy because when things were good they were awesome and she was very attractive.

Life with her would have been a nightmare.

I too thought, “Gosh, when things are good they’re awesome. She’s hot, exciting, fun, and the sex is great.”

So I put up with flirting with other men, excessive drinking, cheating, and back and forth games she liked to play.

She was 19 and I was 25 and things didn’t improve much with her getting older. You met your WW when she was 20. She is still very immature. I wouldn’t date a 25 year old right now at all if I was in the market. (No offense to those ladies in their 20’s).

I’m in my 30s and find that women in their 30s have their heads on straighter, have a greater sense for who they are, and aren’t out exploring and experimenting with dating. They tend to know what they want.

I recommend that if you end up divorced, which from the looks of it will happen either now or later, but a woman like this is really messed up. I recommend you heal and stick to dating women in their 30s.

Come on, man! Don’t you deserve better than this?
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 03:28 PM
Thanks for the advice, gang. I guess I was looking for anything salvageable at this point, even though in the back of my head I was thinking there isn't.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 03:31 PM
You are a 35 year old man. You are going to do what you really want anyway...
but you seem terribly young to be putting up with this type of behavior.

No kids
Compulsive liar.
You know, some compulsive liars get others to believe them.
2 year M.
It is really hard to give you advice on fixing this, when you really don't seem that angy that you are being used.
Originally Posted By: barbiecat
You are a 35 year old man. You are going to do what you really want anyway...
but you seem terribly young to be putting up with this type of behavior.

No kids
Compulsive liar.
You know, some compulsive liars get others to believe them.
2 year M.
It is really hard to give you advice on fixing this, when you really don't seem that angy that you are being used.


I would typically want to help a spouse, even in a 'young' marriage. But this wayward appears to have some mental issues that I don't think can be handled in a typical MB way. The compulsive lying sounds almost psychotic. IMO. Sorry, RT.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 03:53 PM
Originally Posted By: RT74
I really want this to work, when she wasn't doing this, she was very good to me.


I want to win the powerball, but I'm going to keep my job because it's probably not going to happen. Anyone can sustain a relationship and put on a good for for a short while. Your WW is finally showing her true stipes that were there all along. She was just able to hide them long enough to get you on the hook for supporting her.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 03:55 PM
Trust me, I was furious.

When I first found out, she saw how mad I was, and threatened to file a false police complaint stating that I was hitting her or whatever, unless I stopped yelling. She even acted out what she would say right in front of me. She went out, and I called the police myself to explain the situation.

She told me this morning that she is in therapy from all of the "abuse" that she has been claiming I have thrust upon her. Like I said, the whole situation is very bizarre. Its like someone threw on a "crazy" switch or something.
Posted By: Vibrissa Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 04:02 PM
RT - it may be a good idea for you to get a voice recorder and keep it on your person permanently until you get your wife out of your life. She's threated you once, she may actually DO it next time. You don't want to wind up in jail. Keep it in your shirt pocket and let her know you are recording her (laws on recording vary from state to state so you may want to look into the legality of this).
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 04:28 PM
Do NOT let her antagonise you into an altercation.

Of any sort. Trust me on this.

She was acting out the lie/story she was going to tell the police?

She is seeing a counselor to get therapy for all the "abuse" you are putting her through? AAnnd it is all made up?

and she has told every Tom, Bill and Harry for months who will listen (even in writing) about your alleged abuse??????

Dude, you are 80% along the road tword REAL charges....

No one threw a crazy switch, you just did not see the light before. No one wakes up one day to become a compulsive liar.

I am slightly worried about this situation.

Do not walk, RUN away from this woman. If she grows up/gets meds or "whatever" deal with her in the future, after you have safely divorced her and have seperated yourself from the risk of legal action from her. This relationship is a short trip to misery land. (not Disneyland)
Posted By: black_raven Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 04:50 PM
Originally Posted By: RT74
Trust me, I was furious.

When I first found out, she saw how mad I was, and threatened to file a false police complaint stating that I was hitting her or whatever, unless I stopped yelling. She even acted out what she would say right in front of me. She went out, and I called the police myself to explain the situation.

She told me this morning that she is in therapy from all of the "abuse" that she has been claiming I have thrust upon her. Like I said, the whole situation is very bizarre. Its like someone threw on a "crazy" switch or something.


I was going to advise plan D but after reading this last tidbit, I would advise Plan D/FU and don't look back.
You’re in danger of getting false charges thrown at you. What state do you live in?

Google “state recording laws two party states”

That should lead you to where you need to go.

One party states let a conversation be recorded so long as at least one party knows the conversation is being recorded (you). Two party states let conversations be recorded if both parties know they are being recorded.

You can still record her in a two party state so long as you say that she’s being recorded and you let it be obvious she’s being recorded.

But I’d carry it with you at all times, especially around her.

Recordings have saved many men on these forums from false charges. Don’t lay a finger on her and don’t raise your voice in any way.

If anything, ask her to leave and if she won't, go stay with a friend. You're seriously in that much danger from false charges.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 05:06 PM
The strange thing is that her family is advocating all of this. They are saying she can get a divorce, and kick me out if she gets a restraining order for violence. She apparently wants to be able to have men over without me knowing about it.

Its very bizarre. She was very shy and quiet up until she started her new job, then she completely changed. I cant wrap my head around it. Her former friend just contacted me to tell me about a bunch of dirty pictures she was sending out to various men. She had never acted like this before (that I know of).

I do have a voice recorder, and I plan on keeping it on me at all times. Thats good advice, thanks.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 05:16 PM
Don't try and figure her out. She's not a puzzle. Just rid yourself of her. 6 months from now you'll be thanking us for our advice.
By no means will I say that any of this is easy. I know you committed yourself to grow old with this woman, BUT staying with her is a sentence.

I’m willing to bet anything that she has sexual abuse in her past. Her behavior is very indicative of unresolved issues dealing with sexual abuse.

I am not a psychologist, but I have yet to be wrong about this.

Do some research on the following:

Borderline personality disorder
Childhood sexual abuse and it’s long term impact.

Google those things and do your research and you may be surprised by what you discover.

Why did she suddenly become this way? You met her when she was a child. She’s just now seeing that there is a world out there she hasn’t experienced and the fact that her family is supporting her behavior shows that they are either being lied to, have very loose moral standards, or don’t know about what she’s really doing.

You were more of a father figure to her and now she wants to live out some college co-ed fantasy she feels she missed out on.
Posted By: bitbucket Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 06:34 PM
It might be worth your safety, sanity, and clean legal record to just break your lease and move out to an undisclosed location. Give her no notice or warning whatsoever; just take a day off and move your things out when she's at "work". Separate your finances and file for D at the same time if possible.

Is it possible she started doing drugs?
Originally Posted By: RT74
Trust me, I was furious.

When I first found out, she saw how mad I was, and threatened to file a false police complaint stating that I was hitting her or whatever, unless I stopped yelling. She even acted out what she would say right in front of me. She went out, and I called the police myself to explain the situation.

She told me this morning that she is in therapy from all of the "abuse" that she has been claiming I have thrust upon her. Like I said, the whole situation is very bizarre. Its like someone threw on a "crazy" switch or something.


You need to get a tape recorder and hide it in order to document this. She could press charges against you. It has happened before to other posters on this site.
Another vote for Divorce.

You've got no kids. Collect as much evidence of her behavior as you can and hopefully you won't have to pay alimony.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 07:40 PM
Originally Posted By: RT74
The strange thing is that her family is advocating all of this. They are saying she can get a divorce, and kick me out if she gets a restraining order for violence. She apparently wants to be able to have men over without me knowing about it.

Its very bizarre. She was very shy and quiet up until she started her new job, then she completely changed. I cant wrap my head around it. Her former friend just contacted me to tell me about a bunch of dirty pictures she was sending out to various men. She had never acted like this before (that I know of).

I do have a voice recorder, and I plan on keeping it on me at all times. Thats good advice, thanks.


This whole situation does not add up... think
I agree...

Start separating your finances.

Do you own the home? Are you renting?
Who's name is on the lease? can you get out of the lease?

If you are renting take your name off the lease and let them know that she will keep paying, then find somewhere else far away from her and file for a divorce.

Not sure what you wanted to hear, in other circumstances we could have helped, but she is too young, and too dangerous, and you do not need that right now.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 07:55 PM
Leaving is something I think I knew I would have to do.

The problem is, its rough knowing that as soon as I leave, there will be another man (or men) her almost immediately. My wife offered me "anything" if I would "leave right now."

Its very odd, because when she is here, its like nothing has ever happened, judging by the way she acts. Although if I mention that we could try getting some help, she says that no one can make her love me, so there's no point...and that I acted so horribly and "cant ever change." Again, she claims that she never actually had sex with anyone, so she did nothing wrong. She says "we are waiting to have sex until Im divorced." Apparently her new boyfriend (or whatever he is) told her he "will not have sex with her now while she is married." Not sure if anything happened before he said that to her or not.

Its like watching someone else talk about a completely different relationship, and its completely bizarre to me. Lately Ive heard rumors about how she was before we got together, like she cheated on her boyfriend with some married man with whom she worked at the time.

All I can go on is what I have evidence of, and what she admits to me though. People can say pretty much anything.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 08:02 PM
Originally Posted By: RT74
The problem is, its rough knowing that as soon as I leave, there will be another man (or men) her almost immediately. My wife offered me "anything" if I would "leave right now."


Good, then she's not your problem to worry about anymore. Let her screw up someone else's life.

My advice to you is document what you can of her behavior, pack up and leave without a trace, file for divorce, change your number and email, and go completely dark from her. Don't let her draw you back in. After about 6 months of separation from her, you'll be out of your own fog and be able to see her for what she truly is, a parasite, just like we all see her.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/23/10 08:08 PM
Like a moth to the light...I just keep on coming back...

RT74, You have some very wise people here advising you. I have rarely seen so much advice (in agreement) in a post so new.

There are serial cheaters out there.
I agree, who cares if another man is in her house, you will be filing for a divorce and she can live her little fantasy life style. The MAIN thing is that YOU don't have to worry about her anymore.

Go find someone who is older and cherishes life.
RT,

Normally there are a few dissenters who encourage you to save the marriage and then there is a good back and forth between those that think you should bail and those that think you should try.

The fact that there is unanymous agreement here says a lot.

She's royally messed and you're lucky to have her out of your life once you do get her out. If anything, pity the man that ends up with her.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 04:02 AM
Get a bulldog lawyer and run from this woman as fast as you can.
Fwiw, sorry this is happening.

Divorce won't kill you. Some people are simply incapable of being faithful or honor their vows yanno.

Since she's giving you what you want, take everything you want, and hold onto all of the info you have and file for divorce, and (unless you own a home together) separate the finances immediately, cut her off financially (hey she's got that dream job right? he he) and cut your losses.

Btw, where I live 35 is young and there are plenty of 30 something women who can handle relationships. I remarried almost 2 months ago to the most wonderful guy in the world.

Btw, don't have that vas done. You will find the right woman when you're healed from the pain of dealing with this banshee. In a year or two she will be nothin' but somebody from the past.

But do hire a lawyer who is mean. Have him deal with her. Unload all the evidence you have on her, and let him take over. Or her (could be a mean female lawyer too!). Just disengage, heal, and cut off ties immediately with this child.
Originally Posted By: helpthelostdads
RT,

Normally there are a few dissenters who encourage you to save the marriage and then there is a good back and forth between those that think you should bail and those that think you should try.

The fact that there is unanymous agreement here says a lot.


kiss You wouldn't be thinking about me, would you HTLD? grin

Seriously, RT, out to the curb she goes. With the rest of your trash.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 01:01 PM
Thanks, all. I have yet to have someone tell me to work on this. But from what she says, everything she did was because I did [insert random event]. To hear her tell it, I drove her to doing what shes doing. She adamantly claims that she hasn't had sex with anyone else (and I have no evidence to the contrary), so I figured maybe things weren't too bad.

Guess sometimes you just get a bad apple.
Posted By: jessitaylor Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 01:14 PM
Rt74,
I know you probably love your wife and watching what life you thought you had fall apart is hard, but clearly the two of you have different thought on what you need in life, she is searching for something else and seems to have a plan to lose you and move on to someone or something else.......
This is not love or commitment......it's hard to understand but it's only been two years and she is not ready for a marriage, she is 10 years younger and might never catch up.......
I agree you should set her free and start your life again......
Find someone else that is your age, your mind set, you will see the difference and you will understand why this marriage will never work.........
Lesson learned as hard as it is.......
Posted By: Vibrissa Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 01:47 PM
Originally Posted By: RT74
But from what she says, everything she did was because I did [insert random event]. To hear her tell it, I drove her to doing what shes doing.



RT, this is evidence of her immaturity, which really has little to do with age.

Only an immature child thinks others are responsible for their behavior, or other people's failings give them an excuse to misbehave. She is 25, she is an adult with no mental disabilities, she is fully culpable for her own actions. Yes, you may have neglected her, but that gives her no right to do what she is doing. When she starts playing the blame game you let her know that you take responsibility for eroding the marriage, but you do not take responsibility for her philandering, vile behavior. That is 100% on her.

You are not to blame for decisions SHE makes.
Posted By: americajin Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 01:58 PM
Quote:
To hear her tell it, I drove her to doing what shes doing.


That's what someone says to justify their cheating - 99.9% of waywards say this.

If you can move now, I would. By now, you should have extricated yourself from any joint accounts, credit cards, etc. Minimize any opportunities for her to try to harm you financially or legally. I believe someone already advised you to carry a voice activated recorder. Don't worry about admissability in a court it could save you from being arrested and having a false restraining order taken out on you.
I'll reiterate what the others have said. You are not responsible for her getting involved wtih other men. Perhaps you might have done a better job meeting her needs and she would've been happier. But absolutely do not take any credit for her getting involved with other men.
RT,

I hate to tell you this, but she’s very likely had sex with someone else. Either that, or she did everything but, which in her mind makes it ok since she didn’t do the deed.

I faced similar rationalizations from my WXW. It’s lies. She’s done it. Probably many times. She readily admits to trying to break down a married man. So why wouldn’t she do it with her current “boyfriend”.

Run, my friend. Run and count yourself lucky that you have no children with this woman and are still young enough to start a family with someone deserving.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 04:06 PM
Im on the fence about whether or not she actually did anything sexually.

There have been signs that she has, for sure. But I know that at this point Im looking for any indication.

What she says is that she hasnt "kissed, touched,had sex with, or even been alone together with any man," and that shes not "a cheater." She claims that when she went out drinking with other men, it was always in a group.

I have seen where her "boyfriend" has said that he wont do anything until she is divorced, but also where she told someone something that makes it sound like he wont do it AGAIN. Hard to tell.

Logic tells me that if you send out dirty pictures, and claim to be in love with someone, and are (simultaneously) trying to be someones "mistress," you probably have had sex with someone else. She told people we were in an "open marriage." And I know she would never admit anything to me.

Either way, I have no indication whatsoever that I should have anything more to do with her.
Posted By: chrisner Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/24/10 04:11 PM
Quote:
That's what someone says to justify their cheating - 99.9% of waywards say this.


That low a percentage?
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/30/10 09:06 PM
An update for anyone wondering...

Divorce papers filed (by her). I've spoken with an old friend and will be moving over 1000 miles away once everything is finalized. I do know that I should just be rid of her and leave now, but, like I said, I'd really rather not be around knowing what's going on in our (or I guess her) apartment.

We signed written agreements, I basically got everything but the apartment. She even agreed to pay ME a small monthly sum, as well as pay off my car. She was willing to give up absolutely anything to get me to not hire an attorney. Our agreement will be entered into court on our judgment date, but I made sure she signed, dated, and emailed me copies with her saying "These are the papers I signed."

Whenever she becomes agitated, I record everything, or call a friend so they can hear exactly what is going on.

Although she maintains she has never "touched, kissed, had sex with, or even been alone with anyone," I find that hard to believe. I have since found out that she had left her ex by cheating on him almost daily with a married man, before I had met her. I also found out she had been doing drugs when she had been going out.

She still acts as if everything is fine. She treats me the same way she always has, except she refuses to tell me she loves me. Part of our agreement was that she could not embarrass, or put herself into a situation that would embarrass me, so she has been mostly home. She says she no longer talks to any of the men she had been (at least) propositioning.

Moving on. Again, thanks to all who replied for the advice.
Posted By: RT74 Re: Discovered way more than I wanted to - 09/30/10 09:16 PM
Oh, and before I forget, I also posted her chat logs to and about other men to her OWN Facebook page.

It seems that she had already told people about her activities, and the weird stories she was making up about me were to justify her actions to people.

Still not sure why she seems to believe a lot of it herself, though.

And she called me "crazy" and "a psychopath" for invading her privacy by looking through her computer.

Its a very bizarre situation, and the more I look around here, the more I see that it's not me being crazy.
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