Let me start by saying my wife is the absolute center of my universe. I love her with all of my heart and soul. In her last email to me she said that she loves me, too.

That being said, I have hurt her terribly -- and this is not the first time I have done it. I did not have a physical affair, but one in the mind. I solicited sex from strangers on the Internet. But, I never went through with it.

She found out about that I had been doing this again last week and asked me to leave for a while. I have been staying with a friend. I immediately contatced a therapist, my priest and a support group. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to fix this.

But, a week ago -- in the same email that she told me she loves me -- she also said, "I hope you can be happy with someone... but unfortunately that is not going to be me."

I am devestated, I can't keep food down, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on work. I thought that seperating for a few days was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I was wrong. Those words in her email were worse.

I am at rock-bottom and don't know what to do. I plan to continue workign with the support framework I am setting up. I WILL get better and change my ways. But, I don't want to do it without her.

I know this is a broad question but, what do I do?

Do you have kids? How old are you and your wife?
WOuld you consider asking your wife to give the M a chance by promising her that you will take the necessary steps that will make sure you never do what you did again?
Working with one of the MB professionals could help your wife understand that you are serious about recovering your M and committing to it seriously.
blessing

Atena,

We do nothave any kids together, but three from previous marriages. My two are older andout of the house already. Her daughter is a senior in high school.

She is 43 and I am 48. We have been married 9 years and together for 12.

I asked her to go to marrige counseling but she refuses say that she did nothing wrong and that I am the one with the problem. This is true enough -- I do have a problem. An addiction that I have had for many years (as early as childhood). That is why I am seeking couseling so aggressively.

I simply cannot lose her! I am willing to do ANYTHING to get her back.

Gonzo, I know how you feel, but you cannot change your wife's mind.
It was not a good idea to move out, but you can still plan A her.
Did she say she wants no contact with you? Is she willing to spend some time with you so you can show her you are changing?
Your wife is right, you should be in counseling and you should let her know you are working on yourself and you totally understand her perspective. She has done nothing and you are the one who has issues which are impacting the M.
You will need some contact with her to show her you are working on you.
blessing

gonzo, you cannot MAKE her come back. Your behavior has put her in danger. You say you love her, but you don't really no HOW to love her.

You want her, but you are incapable of loving her as you are right now.

Thankfully, MB can TEACH you how to love her.

There are several steps you can take that MAY persuade her to return to the marriage, but you have to realize that if she leaves, that is a consequence of YOUR actions and one you will have to accept.

You need to humbly apologize and lay out your plan for recovery to your wife. This will include: full transparency. You give her full access to any and all email accounts you have. You place a keylogger on your computer with her getting logs of all your internet action. If you have a smartphone, you get rid of it and get the most basic cell phone you can, one with texting disabled.

You demonstrate you are going to be COMPLETELY open and honest with her.

Then, you lay out a plan to meet her needs. You demonstrate that you are willing and able to put her FIRST in your life. Up to now she's been a distant second to you and your lusts.

You can ask her to stay in the marriage, you can demonstrate openness and a desire to change and become better.

But realize, she may chose to walk and she has every right to do so. You have hurt her deeply. You indicate this isn't the first time you've done this. False recoveries are KILLER. She has probably been betrayed too many times.

All your posts are about YOU and what YOU want, you give the barest lip service to what SHE is going through and HER pain and what is BEST for HER.

YOU don't want to lose HER, but really can you honestly say that you are what is best for her?

If you are saying such things to your BW, you might want to quit with the melodrama. If I had to guess, stuff like this will only tick her off. Your actions show no such sentiment.


Being a week out, I doubt you are anywhere near rock bottom. Again you should stop with the melodrama as you have far, far to go.


Basing self-improvement on the actions/decisions of other people is a sign of immaturity and is unattractive. Until you get this, your wife is better off with you.

Welcome to MB.

**edit**

HH, I can't tell if you're being ironic or what, but no, that is not true.

IF gonzo can change. IF his wife decides to give this a go, then they CAN recover their marriage that is not based on fear and obsession. It will take about 2 years, but it is possible.

T/J.... and this is productive to helping someone who wants advice on building a marriage and better person how????? T/J

Gonzo,
you said both of you have previously failed M and you have kids from these M.
How did your W first M end? And how did your first M end?
blessing

**edit**

Also, how did THIS marriage begin?

Tip of the day: Don't feed the trolls.

I have seen this IRL and on this site very tough to do with this situation but i think a little more positive than others as he is the one with the addition and wants help from that addiction. If nothing else this will make you a better person.

In your case, in a 4 month relationship where she already cheated on you and you have no kids, yes...she is not worth fighting for. Had you been with her 20 years with small kids...the story could have been different.
Well, you can do what you like, the worse that can happen to you is that you learn from this relationship. Learning is not bad even if painful, it brings growth and even enlightenment in the best case scenario.
blessing

Thanks wasn't sure at first with the first post... got it now!

gonzo437,

Please accept my apology, and ignore my post. I am filled with anger and bitterness over very recent events in my own life - a girlfriend whom I trusted with my heart, only to have her carelessly and callously break it in little pieces with her affair and lies.

I am sorry for contaminating your thread. I hope things work out well for you and your wife. Good luck.

-HappyHiker

gonzo437...don't take this the wrong way, but reading your OP, you remind me of my uncle and cousin...both have drug problems and have "hit bottom" only when they are standing in front of a judge or sitting in a jail cell...they never seemed to be at the bottom out doing their thing. Both have been through rehab so many times, it's nothing new...

so like my uncle and cousin (whom both btw, have lost their families, career and many friends), you too will lose your wife over this addiction, unless you begin to treat this addiction...it may take time for your wife to see the results and be able to trust you again, if she even wants too...BUT regardless if she wants to save the marriage or not...YOU need to conquer this addiction or it will sabotage your future relationship, if this one doesn't work out.

you're priest should be able to counsel you or refer you to a counselor...nothing against women therapist, but I would stick to a male therapist in this case. I would also find a support group for sex addicts...

in the mean time get the book:
Sex, Men, and God by Douglass Weiss
this book talks about sex addiction and sexuality from a Christian men's perspective... The book�s premise is if your brain associates sex with anything but loving relationships, you will be less satisfied. On the other hand, if you associate sex with one female (wife), and you verbally praise her a lot, she�ll want to have sex with you and your brain will desire her more, benefiting both of you. The author was a player when he was younger, became a sex addict, found Christianity, and now counsels about sex addiction.

It's difficult for each person, but here's some tips:

1) Download the free K-9 blocker...set it up w/ MINIMAL security...Find a safe person to hold onto the password

2) Look also for this book:
101 Freedom Exercises also by Douglass Weiss

3) Since you're married pick up also: Sheet Music by Kevin Leman

PM me if you want a online support group for men...

good luck to you

Why is everything an addiction these days? Why is it an addiction that he solicits sexual talk (at the very least) over the internet?

Gonzo, a previous poster had it absolutely right. The very first step for you is cutting out the melodrama. You open your post saying she is the center of your universe and you love her heart and soul, but YOUR ACTIONS show that to be an outright lie. You are not going to be able to heal yourself such that your wife might give you another chance, if you begin your journey by creating a false reality for yourself. If she leaves you, you EARNED it.

That being said, you have a lot of work ahead of you. You need to fix yourself regardless of whether or not you recover your marriage. But I can practically guarantee that if you cannot find the will to do this for you, your wife will see the insincerity of your "recovery" from a mile off. And she will be right to not trust your motives.

Now go start implementing the advice you have gotten so far about holding yourself accountable and transparent. And reconcile yourself to the fact that you cannot MAKE your wife stay with you and she does not owe you another chance. If she gives you one, recognize that you better spend the rest of your life earning that grace.

My first marriage ended when my ex-wife, and the mother of my two children, decided she was tired of being a mother and wife. She packed up and moved into her own apartment (which I paid for),leaving me with a 4 and 7-year-old to take care of on my own.

My wife's first marraige ended when her ex-husband moved in his girlfriend and later married her.

All,

Thank you for the advice. So far it is along the same lines as what I received from friends and professionals alike.

Melodrama aside, I do love my wife -- very much. I do not know why I do the things that I do, but I am seeking professional help. I have begun therapy, visited with my preist and joineda support group. I am also reading "Every Man's Battle." I have a long list of books I want to read to try to get better and hopefully my wife will give me another chance.

Mr. Anderson, you are right, I have an addiction. My therapist agrees that that is what this is and I am currently feeling the effects of withdrawal. I am determined, however, to get through this recovery because I have been dealing with these demons since I was a kid. I just want to be able to interact with society free of an overpowering sexual desire.

Again, thank you to all. The harsh posts as well as the encouraging ones are ALL helpful. I will keep you posted on my progress.

You have chosen the best path: self recovery.
If you are not happy with yourself, in time, even if your W agrees to be with you, you will be miserable again and your M doomed.
It is hard work. Have you considered a 12 step program?
blessing

I am in a faith-based program. It is similar to 12-step programs but is more atuned to Christian men. It has a component for wives as well. I gave my wife the info, but it is up to her if she decides to do anything with it. I hope she does.

Your wife might be skeptical for a while but if you keep up your good work I am sure she will see the changes in you.
I am told that once we change everything changes. Till then, nothing will really be different but a repetition of the past disguised in something new.
blessing

It has been over a week since the last time I spoke with or saw my wife. I am trying to respect her wishes of not contacting her. It has been the most difficult week of my life. In that time I have made a commitment to myslef to become the best me I can, to stop my destructive Internet behaviors, and keep myself as busy as possible.

The ache in my heart is constant. I miss her so much there are times I am not sure I can, or want to go on. Am I being overly melodramatic? I don't think so. It is how I feel.

What you feel is normal and it is aquivalent to experiencing the death of a loved one.
Loss brings pain and for now you need to feel the pain and accept it, the more you try to deny it the more it will grow.
It is too early to tell so you can still R the M. But you also have to realize that it might be over. It is painful, so very painful. Post on this forum and vent as much as you want.
Unfortunately, just this week end, 2 of my relatives and one good friend just found out their spouses are cheating. One cousin has been married 37 years and her H was in an A with his co-worker for 2 years. SHe just found out.
A friend found out her H was dating multiple W thru FB and since they live apart given he works for a foreign company, he seems to have been dating several different women for years. The other relative is a young girls whose H is in the sports field and has now found an athlete woman he fell in love with consequently kicking my relative to the curb after not even a year of M.
SAd, very sad. I do not know what is going on in this world but literally things seem to be falling apart at a pretty steady rate.
You are not alone and you will survive this.
blessing

Actually had a pretty good day yesterday. Work was challenging and allowed me to forget some of my troubles and concentrate on it. I also had a "date" with my daughter for a movie last night that I was looking forward to.

It was only when I got back to where I am staying that things welled up on me again. It seems to be the worst at certain times of the day -- like bedtime and first thing in the morning and, oddly enough, when I am driving somewhere.

I am working hard to fix myself, attending group 2-3 times a week and seeing a councilor weekly. I am reading as much as I can on how to reapir what I have broken and trying to take the advice offered in each.

The hardest part has been the absolute lack of contact. I really miss seeing and talking to her. But, I have not initiated any contact at ll in nearly two weeks. Nor has she.

Well, on the heels of a good day, came another bad one. Yesterday marked the third week we have been seperated and tomorrow will be two weeks since we last communicated in any way.

I was plagued by flashbacks and memories all day yesterday. Memories of happy times with my wife that I am afraid will never happen again. Then, last night, the dreams came. Dreams of her with another man that seemed so real I could not tell they were a dream. Needless to say, I did not sleep much.

But, I am dedicated to making the changes I need in myself. I am resigned to the fact that it may take a long time for her to come back -- if it all.

I will continue to fight for my sobriety and for my marriage. These two things are the main focus of my life right now and that will not chnage.

sounds like a good plan.
It is painful, I know, and you miss your W, but as you are now she will not be happy and neither would you.
You have to go thru a profound change and maybe she will see it and come back.
But for now, her coming back is not the issue and actually if she were to forgive you, right now it would do you no good because it would stall you from your own personal recovery.
Blessing

Atena,

You are probably right. If she forgave me and took me back now I would probably slip back into my old ways eventually. I need to get myself fixed, or well on my way to being fixed, first.

I am working on that diligently, attending group sessions 2-3 times a week and going to my councilor (got great news that my co-pay to see him is VERY affordable).

I WILL beat this and win her back. I WILL!!!

If I was in your wife�s shoes, I�d walk away and never look back. Seriously, after being the victim of infidelity once, I would be a lot less forgiving a second time and would be grateful to not have any kids with the person who cheated if it happened again.

There would be an off switch to my feelings for that person and there would be no switching it back on.

So your wife�s reaction is not surprising. You could start floating in air and have a halo and run around performing miracles after your reformation, but I wouldn�t care. I�d find someone else I wouldn�t need to reform or I�d simply write off women from my life altogether.

I�m only telling you where she might be coming from and what her state of mind is.

And the fact that she�s the center of your universe rings hollow when you�re trolling for sex on the internet. Doesn�t make sense. Reform yourself and fix your own life, but your wife is gone and I�d advise her to never return to you if I was one of her friends. As I heard the other day, �Why cry over fish in the sea?�