Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2430690 09/28/10 12:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 9
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 9
Let me start by saying my wife is the absolute center of my universe. I love her with all of my heart and soul. In her last email to me she said that she loves me, too.

That being said, I have hurt her terribly -- and this is not the first time I have done it. I did not have a physical affair, but one in the mind. I solicited sex from strangers on the Internet. But, I never went through with it.

She found out about that I had been doing this again last week and asked me to leave for a while. I have been staying with a friend. I immediately contatced a therapist, my priest and a support group. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to fix this.

But, a week ago -- in the same email that she told me she loves me -- she also said, "I hope you can be happy with someone... but unfortunately that is not going to be me."

I am devestated, I can't keep food down, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on work. I thought that seperating for a few days was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I was wrong. Those words in her email were worse.

I am at rock-bottom and don't know what to do. I plan to continue workign with the support framework I am setting up. I WILL get better and change my ways. But, I don't want to do it without her.

I know this is a broad question but, what do I do?

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Do you have kids? How old are you and your wife?
WOuld you consider asking your wife to give the M a chance by promising her that you will take the necessary steps that will make sure you never do what you did again?
Working with one of the MB professionals could help your wife understand that you are serious about recovering your M and committing to it seriously.
blessing


atena
atena #2430694 09/28/10 01:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 9
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 9
Atena,

We do nothave any kids together, but three from previous marriages. My two are older andout of the house already. Her daughter is a senior in high school.

She is 43 and I am 48. We have been married 9 years and together for 12.

I asked her to go to marrige counseling but she refuses say that she did nothing wrong and that I am the one with the problem. This is true enough -- I do have a problem. An addiction that I have had for many years (as early as childhood). That is why I am seeking couseling so aggressively.

I simply cannot lose her! I am willing to do ANYTHING to get her back.

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Gonzo, I know how you feel, but you cannot change your wife's mind.
It was not a good idea to move out, but you can still plan A her.
Did she say she wants no contact with you? Is she willing to spend some time with you so you can show her you are changing?
Your wife is right, you should be in counseling and you should let her know you are working on yourself and you totally understand her perspective. She has done nothing and you are the one who has issues which are impacting the M.
You will need some contact with her to show her you are working on you.
blessing



atena
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
gonzo, you cannot MAKE her come back. Your behavior has put her in danger. You say you love her, but you don't really no HOW to love her.

You want her, but you are incapable of loving her as you are right now.

Thankfully, MB can TEACH you how to love her.

There are several steps you can take that MAY persuade her to return to the marriage, but you have to realize that if she leaves, that is a consequence of YOUR actions and one you will have to accept.

You need to humbly apologize and lay out your plan for recovery to your wife. This will include: full transparency. You give her full access to any and all email accounts you have. You place a keylogger on your computer with her getting logs of all your internet action. If you have a smartphone, you get rid of it and get the most basic cell phone you can, one with texting disabled.

You demonstrate you are going to be COMPLETELY open and honest with her.

Then, you lay out a plan to meet her needs. You demonstrate that you are willing and able to put her FIRST in your life. Up to now she's been a distant second to you and your lusts.

You can ask her to stay in the marriage, you can demonstrate openness and a desire to change and become better.

But realize, she may chose to walk and she has every right to do so. You have hurt her deeply. You indicate this isn't the first time you've done this. False recoveries are KILLER. She has probably been betrayed too many times.

All your posts are about YOU and what YOU want, you give the barest lip service to what SHE is going through and HER pain and what is BEST for HER.

YOU don't want to lose HER, but really can you honestly say that you are what is best for her?


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by gonzo437
Let me start by saying my wife is the absolute center of my universe. I love her with all of my heart and soul.

If you are saying such things to your BW, you might want to quit with the melodrama. If I had to guess, stuff like this will only tick her off. Your actions show no such sentiment.

Quote
I am at rock-bottom and don't know what to do. I plan to continue workign with the support framework I am setting up. I WILL get better and change my ways.

Being a week out, I doubt you are anywhere near rock bottom. Again you should stop with the melodrama as you have far, far to go.

Quote
But, I don't want to do it without her.

Basing self-improvement on the actions/decisions of other people is a sign of immaturity and is unattractive. Until you get this, your wife is better off with you.

Welcome to MB.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
**edit**

Last edited by Revera; 09/28/10 02:37 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive, inappropriate
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
HH, I can't tell if you're being ironic or what, but no, that is not true.

IF gonzo can change. IF his wife decides to give this a go, then they CAN recover their marriage that is not based on fear and obsession. It will take about 2 years, but it is possible.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by HappyHiker
**edit**

T/J.... and this is productive to helping someone who wants advice on building a marriage and better person how????? T/J

Last edited by Revera; 09/28/10 02:38 PM. Reason: removing quote

Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by HappyHiker
**edit**

skeptical

Last edited by Revera; 09/28/10 02:40 PM. Reason: removing quote

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Gonzo,
you said both of you have previously failed M and you have kids from these M.
How did your W first M end? And how did your first M end?
blessing


atena
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
**edit**

Last edited by Revera; 09/28/10 02:38 PM. Reason: TOS inappropriate, disruptive
atena #2430715 09/28/10 01:55 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Also, how did THIS marriage begin?


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Tip of the day: Don't feed the trolls.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by Vibrissa
HH, I can't tell if you're being ironic or what, but no, that is not true.

IF gonzo can change. IF his wife decides to give this a go, then they CAN recover their marriage that is not based on fear and obsession. It will take about 2 years, but it is possible.

I have seen this IRL and on this site very tough to do with this situation but i think a little more positive than others as he is the one with the addition and wants help from that addiction. If nothing else this will make you a better person.


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
In your case, in a 4 month relationship where she already cheated on you and you have no kids, yes...she is not worth fighting for. Had you been with her 20 years with small kids...the story could have been different.
Well, you can do what you like, the worse that can happen to you is that you learn from this relationship. Learning is not bad even if painful, it brings growth and even enlightenment in the best case scenario.
blessing


atena
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by black_raven
Tip of the day: Don't feed the trolls.

Thanks wasn't sure at first with the first post... got it now!


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
atena #2430723 09/28/10 02:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
gonzo437,

Please accept my apology, and ignore my post. I am filled with anger and bitterness over very recent events in my own life - a girlfriend whom I trusted with my heart, only to have her carelessly and callously break it in little pieces with her affair and lies.

I am sorry for contaminating your thread. I hope things work out well for you and your wife. Good luck.

-HappyHiker

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
Originally Posted by gonzo437
I know this is a broad question but, what do I do?
gonzo437...don't take this the wrong way, but reading your OP, you remind me of my uncle and cousin...both have drug problems and have "hit bottom" only when they are standing in front of a judge or sitting in a jail cell...they never seemed to be at the bottom out doing their thing. Both have been through rehab so many times, it's nothing new...

so like my uncle and cousin (whom both btw, have lost their families, career and many friends), you too will lose your wife over this addiction, unless you begin to treat this addiction...it may take time for your wife to see the results and be able to trust you again, if she even wants too...BUT regardless if she wants to save the marriage or not...YOU need to conquer this addiction or it will sabotage your future relationship, if this one doesn't work out.

you're priest should be able to counsel you or refer you to a counselor...nothing against women therapist, but I would stick to a male therapist in this case. I would also find a support group for sex addicts...

in the mean time get the book:
Sex, Men, and God by Douglass Weiss
this book talks about sex addiction and sexuality from a Christian men's perspective... The book�s premise is if your brain associates sex with anything but loving relationships, you will be less satisfied. On the other hand, if you associate sex with one female (wife), and you verbally praise her a lot, she�ll want to have sex with you and your brain will desire her more, benefiting both of you. The author was a player when he was younger, became a sex addict, found Christianity, and now counsels about sex addiction.

It's difficult for each person, but here's some tips:

1) Download the free K-9 blocker...set it up w/ MINIMAL security...Find a safe person to hold onto the password

2) Look also for this book:
101 Freedom Exercises also by Douglass Weiss
Quote
To recover from sexual addiction, you must retrain your brain to not connect the fantasy world with these so called "brain cookies." To stop this biological cycle that the sex addict had set up (anywhere from 10 to 50 years), he will a need biologically reconditioning cycle. One way is to place a rubber band on either wrist and when you start to have sexually inappropriate thoughts, snap the rubber band on the inside of your wrist. This sets up a cycle in your brain that says "fantasy = pain" instead of "fantasy = pleasure." The body is designed to avoid pain, and so this will reduce the amount of fantasies that you are having and eventually lessen the inappropriate thoughts so that you can focus on your freedom...The average person who is consistent with this reconditioning exercises of the brain finds about 80% of the fantasy life subsides within the first thirty days, and if continued throughout the first 90 days, they find intruding thoughts are minimal and manageable along with other exercises in this book.

3) Since you're married pick up also: Sheet Music by Kevin Leman

PM me if you want a online support group for men...

good luck to you

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
Why is everything an addiction these days? Why is it an addiction that he solicits sexual talk (at the very least) over the internet?

Gonzo, a previous poster had it absolutely right. The very first step for you is cutting out the melodrama. You open your post saying she is the center of your universe and you love her heart and soul, but YOUR ACTIONS show that to be an outright lie. You are not going to be able to heal yourself such that your wife might give you another chance, if you begin your journey by creating a false reality for yourself. If she leaves you, you EARNED it.

That being said, you have a lot of work ahead of you. You need to fix yourself regardless of whether or not you recover your marriage. But I can practically guarantee that if you cannot find the will to do this for you, your wife will see the insincerity of your "recovery" from a mile off. And she will be right to not trust your motives.

Now go start implementing the advice you have gotten so far about holding yourself accountable and transparent. And reconcile yourself to the fact that you cannot MAKE your wife stay with you and she does not owe you another chance. If she gives you one, recognize that you better spend the rest of your life earning that grace.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5