Has anyone had to confess an affair to their spouse after contracting an STD? The spouse has not been infected.

I realize this is a gross, taboo subject but I need help and prayer too. I have prayed for forgiveness. I did a very stupid and irresponsible thing and now have to pay for it. I am begging for some advice.

I am certain that there are some people who HAVE confessed after they contracted an STI, I am more certain that they usually do so after the betrayed spouse also contracts the same STI and finds out from a doctor.

Are you the person who had an affair?

How old are you? How old is your spouse? Do you have any children together? Is this your first marriage? Spouses first marriage?

My best advice is to tell your spouse. Have you ended your affair?

Yes, I am the one. I am in my late 30's, spouse in 40's. Way to old. I went to the doctor without symptoms just to be safe and found this out. We have beautiful children. We have not been intimate since before the one night stand.

I am going to. I was going to anyway. Yes,it was just a one time thing.

Okay, you had a ONS. How did this happen?

When are you going to tell your husband?

Do you see the OM ever?

He is an alcoholic. I have told him my feelings for several years of how I felt alone. He's never been abusive or mean & is gainfully employed. There is so much more. he finally sought counselling this week. I snapped a few weeks ago after another druken afternoon & I had asked him repeatedly to slow down. And I decided to go out and get drunk which I do NOT do.

I am going to tell him tonight.


NEVER!!!

You are doing the right thing. Your Husband has a right to know. Take care.

Ambroken,

Whatever you do, do not blame your ONS on his alcoholism.

God Bless
Gamma

I'm not sure what you mean by "way to old." Can you elaborate?
Please answer Scotland's questions - it will help us to help you.

I didn't. I took/take full responsibilty for my actions. No matter what I was feeling, I have no excuse for what I did. I am thankful I have a loving God who will forgive me, I have prayed that he will restore my marriage. I know that is a lot to ask of him but maybe someday he will.

I meant that I am way to old to act the way that I did. I am sorry but what did I not answer? I am trying to be honest, that is why I came here because I don't have anywhere else to turn.

I am sorry, I did not see the part about marriage. It is my second marriage. I was married very young. It is his 3rd. We have been married for a long time.

You said four days ago that you were going to tell your H. What was his reaction?

He was very hurt and angry of course. He says he knows that I love him but he doesn't know how he feels now. I am trying to give him space but be there when he wants me to be. I've been praying for God to take his pain away. He had a counseling session scheduled for today but I'm not sure he is going to attend or not.

Stop praying to God to do your work for you. YOU inflicted this on him, and YOU have to do what it takes to help him heal.

I would suggest you show him this site, and both of you read the articles together.

I would buy or check out from a library Surviving an Affair. It is an excellent book. I also echo reading the articles on this site. Since you are a person of faith, you know that we are to bear the "fruits of repentance." That means a change in thoughts and in actions. What kind of fruit are you bearing?

I know what I have done, I am by know way, shape or form minimizing that. I am and will do what ever it takes to take away his pain. But I also know that I will need God's love and grace to help me and so will he. I am just trying to save my marriage from the destruction that I have caused.

I am planning on buying that book, there is also a book by Nancy Anderson. She was unfaithful and it tells her side and his side and how they have repaired there marriage. I would love to read these articles with my husband. Right now he doesn't want to do any of that. That's one of the things I meant by praying for him and our marriage. That he will want to take steps with me. I know that it will take time and I will wait and give him all of the time he needs. I know I don't deserve a second chance with him but I pray that he will give me one.

I am completely re-examining my life. I have been judgemental of others, held on to things that I should have let go a long time ago and obviously did not turn to my God when I needed him the most. I want to change my life not just because of what I have done but forever.

One thing I think WS/FWS have to learn is PATIENCE. My PA ended in May of 2006. There was some off and on contact for the month of June. During June and July I wrestled with guilt, truth, disgust, fear, blah blah blah. I confessed July 25 2006. I had had a couple of months to process and prepare for the confession, not to mention having experienced the A in real time.

On 7/25/06, my DH was absolutely blindsided.

This is not MB, this is luriB....but I really a WS/FWS needs to have ZERO expectations of any kind for 1 year after a full confession. That does NOT mean it will be fixed in a year; that isn't what I said. But I consider that first year to be an "I screwed up our lives and I need to tend to your wounds and change my life" year. That doesn't mean the BS can be abusive, etc. But honestly, it would have never entered my mind that first 6-12 months to expect, well, anything from my DH. He was walking wounded.

If that is off base, I hope someone will correct me. But I don't think it is appropriate for someone to come days, weeks, or even a few months after D-Day and say, "My spouse won't get on board." Of course they won't get on board....they are in too much pain. They can barely make it through the day sometimes.

When I thought of myself and my heart after D-Day, I spent a lot of time reading passages like Ps. 32 and Ps 51....in fact, I went through all the Psalms. I thought a lot about Mary Magdaliene pouring all she had from that jar onto Jesus feet -- the humility, the outpouring of everything she had. Not to say that DH is Jesus, but that picture of giving myself completely in humility......that was what I needed to do in my M too.

Now, this can be taken too far. We are 4 1/2 years (almost) from D-Day, and I have done a lot of work (so has he). If I had done the work and been humble and patient and 4 1/2 years later he was angry and punishing and bitter and threw up my A at every turn.....yeah, that'd be a problem. But for the last half of 2006 and the first part of 2007, my only rel thoughts were gratefulness for God's forgiveness, gratefulness that DH was still around, and hope that some day we would come out the other side stronger. And that isn't because I was some great example of a FWS....I wasn't. I am NOT a shiny example of anything. So if I can do it.....anyone can.

Thank you so much for responding. I have also been reading Psalms. I don't expect anything from him and I'm so grateful for anything he does show me. I have a very hard time looking him in the eye but I am working on that. I hope that he will go to counciling with me but I am not going to push it because I can only imagine how much he is hurting. I just keep reading and researching on what I can do to help and of course praying. Thank you again for your advice.

ambroken,
Have you been explicit to your BH about the nature of your STD?

He needs to know just how vunerable he is to contracting this from you. Is this a curable STD or one that a person carries for life. You need to be very clear about this.

Also, you need to go back in 6 months and be tested for HIV. I'm not trying to overdramatise here, but it is important info for your BH.

All Blessings,
Jerry

In the end,
One can always tell who is serious and who is simply trying to pull the covers over one's head.

Good Luck Ambroken

All blessings,
Jerry