One thing I think WS/FWS have to learn is PATIENCE. My PA ended in May of 2006. There was some off and on contact for the month of June. During June and July I wrestled with guilt, truth, disgust, fear, blah blah blah. I confessed July 25 2006. I had had a couple of months to process and prepare for the confession, not to mention having experienced the A in real time.

On 7/25/06, my DH was absolutely blindsided.

This is not MB, this is luriB....but I really a WS/FWS needs to have ZERO expectations of any kind for 1 year after a full confession. That does NOT mean it will be fixed in a year; that isn't what I said. But I consider that first year to be an "I screwed up our lives and I need to tend to your wounds and change my life" year. That doesn't mean the BS can be abusive, etc. But honestly, it would have never entered my mind that first 6-12 months to expect, well, anything from my DH. He was walking wounded.

If that is off base, I hope someone will correct me. But I don't think it is appropriate for someone to come days, weeks, or even a few months after D-Day and say, "My spouse won't get on board." Of course they won't get on board....they are in too much pain. They can barely make it through the day sometimes.

When I thought of myself and my heart after D-Day, I spent a lot of time reading passages like Ps. 32 and Ps 51....in fact, I went through all the Psalms. I thought a lot about Mary Magdaliene pouring all she had from that jar onto Jesus feet -- the humility, the outpouring of everything she had. Not to say that DH is Jesus, but that picture of giving myself completely in humility......that was what I needed to do in my M too.

Now, this can be taken too far. We are 4 1/2 years (almost) from D-Day, and I have done a lot of work (so has he). If I had done the work and been humble and patient and 4 1/2 years later he was angry and punishing and bitter and threw up my A at every turn.....yeah, that'd be a problem. But for the last half of 2006 and the first part of 2007, my only rel thoughts were gratefulness for God's forgiveness, gratefulness that DH was still around, and hope that some day we would come out the other side stronger. And that isn't because I was some great example of a FWS....I wasn't. I am NOT a shiny example of anything. So if I can do it.....anyone can.

Thank you so much for responding. I have also been reading Psalms. I don't expect anything from him and I'm so grateful for anything he does show me. I have a very hard time looking him in the eye but I am working on that. I hope that he will go to counciling with me but I am not going to push it because I can only imagine how much he is hurting. I just keep reading and researching on what I can do to help and of course praying. Thank you again for your advice.

ambroken,
Have you been explicit to your BH about the nature of your STD?

He needs to know just how vunerable he is to contracting this from you. Is this a curable STD or one that a person carries for life. You need to be very clear about this.

Also, you need to go back in 6 months and be tested for HIV. I'm not trying to overdramatise here, but it is important info for your BH.

All Blessings,
Jerry

In the end,
One can always tell who is serious and who is simply trying to pull the covers over one's head.

Good Luck Ambroken

All blessings,
Jerry