can you fall back in love? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Can anyone give me their experience regarding falling back in love? My wife has "lost that loving feeling" for me after our marriage was neglected for many years. Subsequently she had an affair.

We're still together but my wife can't seem to get her feelings for me to go beyond that of a "friend". She seems stuck there. She does not want to receive my love and affection even though those are her emotional needs. It's uncomfortable to her. Do I just need to be patient and let time go by or is she too far gone? Thoughts?

Please click notify at the bottom of your post and ask to be moved to Surviving an Affair. They will be able to help you there.

Originally Posted by knights22

We're still together but my wife can't seem to get her feelings for me to go beyond that of a "friend". She seems stuck there. She does not want to receive my love and affection even though those are her emotional needs. It's uncomfortable to her. Do I just need to be patient and let time go by or is she too far gone? Thoughts?

Hi knights, welcome to Marriage Builders, glad you are here. Yes, she can fall back in love with you as long as she never sees or speaks to the OM again AND you do certain things to recover the marriage. Yes it will be awkward at first, but in a few weeks it will become more natural.

The way to restore your romantic feelings is to avoid all lovebusters and spend 20+ hours together of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of converstation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This program does not work without this step. It should scheduled out in 2-4 hour blocks throughout the week, without kids, friends or TV.

When was her last contact with the OM? Is the OM married and if so, has his wife been notified? Has ALL contact ended?

Please read this carefully and pick up the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there:

Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley in Requirements for Recovery

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

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To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. His wife is aware and they are actively working on their marriage. Problem is they live in same town and in the same or similar social circles.

Originally Posted by knights22

To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. His wife is aware and they are actively working on their marriage. Problem is they live in same town and in the same or similar social circles.

Did you personally speak to the wife? If not, I would touch base with her and make sure she has the true story.

And your WW will need to change her social circle if it includes the OM. That is not negotiable. It is profoundly disrespectful TO YOU for her to ever see this scumbag again, IN ANY CAPACITY. It also keeps her in a perpetual state of withdrawal and is likely to result in a resumed affair.

Do your friends in the social circle know about your wife's affair? The reasons for your exit should not be concealed or whitewashed. The more people who know, the more people to hold her and the OM accountable.

Originally Posted by knights22

To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended.

And how extensive is your knowledge? ARe you snooping on her to make sure she is not seeing him? What are your resources?

Originally Posted by knights22

To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. His wife is aware and they are actively working on their marriage. Problem is they live in same town and in the same or similar social circles.

This will have to end. You will need to discontinue these friendships. Your WW can have NO contact with OM. Each time she sees him she will be triggered.

Can you move to another town? (I'll answer your question before you ask it: Yes, it IS that important.)

Hey, welcome, by the way.

I hope we can help you.

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She does not want to receive my love and affection even though those are her emotional needs.

Your wording here is very revealing, and you and she have some serious work to do to get to the root of her reticence in this matter.

"Does not want" implies an active rejection of something that is within her power to accept. Had you said something more like "she does not feel my love and affection", or "my love and affection are not sufficient" the problem would be more squarely in your quadrant to fix.

I'm going to be venturing far into areas in which I am not certified to explore, but I'll put this out there for you to keep in mind. It may be that your FWW is having such a negative reaction to her own illicit activities that in her mind she is no longer worthy to be loved. If you and she can address this with a qualified IC or MC, it might save a lot of wasted wandering into root causes of ongoing problems.

And I can speak from experience on this matter. A HUGE piece of my immediate post d-day efforts were to convince my FWW that she was in total a good person, who had been "played" into an EA by a former coworker with emotional/marital issues of his own.

The reason he can't meet her needs is because she is emotionally withdrawn from her H and is not comfortable around him. She is in a state of withdrawal over her affair and is likely depressed. She hasn't been emotionally intimate with her H for a long time so it is awkward. She doesn't need to run off to counseling for that, they just need to use this program. Going off to counseling will just be a distraction at a critical time in their marriage.

His description of his wayward wife is the RULE rather than the exception. A WW is emotionally withdrawn and depressed as a result of her affair, therefore, she is not emotionally receptive to her husband. As time goes on, and she withdraws, she will grow closer to him. It does not happen overnight.

Dr Harley addresses this here:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley to a wayward wife who just ended her affair

Remember the Love Bank? If you are to be in love with your husband, he must deposit enough love units into his account in your Love Bank so that it will trigger the feeling of love in you. But since you are depressed while you are getting through withdrawal, it will be almost impossible for him to deposit very many love units. If he is to deposit love units into your Love Bank, you must first get over being depressed so you can associate him with your good feelings.

Once you are through withdrawal, however, you are ready for marital reconciliation because then, and only then, does your husband have a chance to deposit love units. Your mood will improve dramatically, and the effort your husband makes to meet your needs will reap impressive dividends. Before long, you will be in love with him again.

So see? The solution is to have patience, go through the steps and wait for her to complete withdrawal. THEN you will be able to effectively meet her needs. Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

My wife wants to separate. She feels she needs "space" to "sort out her feelings", to "figure out who she is". I asked her this AM where her feelings stand for the OM, she said: "part of her misses him and still has feelings for him". She says the temptation to contact him is there but she's managing it. I then asked what she would do if he contacted her and said his marriage is over and wants to reconnect with her to see what they could have together..., her reply was "I don't know what I would do". She says she hopes that does not happen because it "would make it harder on her to make a decision on our marriage".

The affair "ended" early Oct. We're now at 3 months. Is this "normal" for the "withdrawal" phase? Should I remain patient and get out of her way? Confused.

Originally Posted by knights22

My wife wants to separate. She feels she needs "space" to "sort out her feelings", to "figure out who she is". I asked her this AM where her feelings stand for the OM, she said: "part of her misses him and still has feelings for him". She says the temptation to contact him is there but she's managing it. I then asked what she would do if he contacted her and said his marriage is over and wants to reconnect with her to see what they could have together..., her reply was "I don't know what I would do". She says she hopes that does not happen because it "would make it harder on her to make a decision on our marriage".

The affair "ended" early Oct. We're now at 3 months. Is this "normal" for the "withdrawal" phase? Should I remain patient and get out of her way? Confused.

Please bring us up to speed, knights.

Have you detached from the social circle you had in common with OM?
Was a NC letter written and sent?
Has WW given you all the information you need regarding the A?
Have you been spending 25-30 hours weekly on UA?
Most important: Have you confirmed that there has been NO CONTACT?

Originally Posted by knights22

My wife wants to separate. She feels she needs "space" to "sort out her feelings", to "figure out who she is".

She wants to separate so she will be free to carry on the affair without interference.

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The affair "ended" early Oct. We're now at 3 months. Is this "normal" for the "withdrawal" phase? Should I remain patient and get out of her way? Confused.

I would suspect she is either in contact now or she is planning on being in contact. Has all contact ended? Has the OM's wife been told? Has the affair been exposed?

The OM reached out via email about 2 months ago but my wife did not respond. There has been NO contact since.

As to social contact, there has been none but we have not removed ourselves from the social circle, just avoided events they are at. The Other Couple has removed themselves more than us.

My wife has not sent a No Contact letter nor have I forced her to do so. That would not go over well since she's not "committed" to working on marriage yet and that would probably push her further away from me.

I've gotten all the info I need on the affair.

Not sure what UA is? We're not working the plan of spending 15 hrs/wk together cuz she's not comfortable doing so right now. I've been putting too much pressure on her and she feels "guilty" that her feelings have not turned around yet. She feels space will "reignite" some feelings for me and "motivate" her to want to work on the marriage.

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She feels space will "reignite" some feelings for me and "motivate" her to want to work on the marriage.

This is baloney. People who want to work together, work together. They don't separate to get the feeling of working together.

I suspect there has been contact with OM. Can you tell us what you have been doing to make sure there is no possibility of that?

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The OM reached out via email about 2 months ago but my wife did not respond.

Did you forward this email to his wife to show her that he was attempting to resume the affair?

His wife is aware of this attempt. They are still "working" on their marriage but things are getting choppy with them.

I have taken my wife's word that there has been no contact.

My wife has been saying for awhile that she "wants to see if the marriage can work" but not committed to working on the marriage.

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I have taken my wife's word that there has been no contact.

Do not take your WW's word for this! Have you done ANY snooping?

Do you not realize yet that your WW is not to be trusted??

The affair is either still on or she intends on resuming it when she gets separated. "Wanting space" is wayward code talk for wanting the freedom to carry on her affair.

If she asks for "space," be a gentleman and clean out a corner of your garage for her. Put a nice lawn chair out there for her. The fact that she "needs space" is a strong indicator the affair is still on.

There have been no phone calls as I look at phone records constantly. Don't check her email anymore since it was becoming too addictive and causing me more harm than good. The bottom line is if they want to get toghether they will. How can I stop that. I am not going to ask for a divorce since it's not what I want. I think she needs to figure it out on her own and me getting in her way and/or pressuring her is not working. Ultimitaley if she wants to be with someone else then I don't want to be with her.

Knights, look at what you've posted.

"My wife has been saying for a while that she "wants to see if the marriage can work" BUT NOT COMMITED TO WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE.

Do you see the inconsistency here? If she wants to separate what she really means is she wants to see if her affair can work.

Separation will not help this situation. It will not make you closer and will only make working on you marriage...HARDER FOR YOU. This is what she wants. No interference. Trust me on this.

Tell her you want to work on your marriage and separation is not part of the plan. If push comes to shove, and it probably will, do not move out of the marital home. If that's what she wants and she won't consider other options then that's on her.

I believe you know deep in your gut that she is in contact. Trust your gut.

Originally Posted by knights22

There have been no phone calls as I look at phone records constantly. Don't check her email anymore since it was becoming too addictive and causing me more harm than good. The bottom line is if they want to get toghether they will. How can I stop that. I am not going to ask for a divorce since it's not what I want. I think she needs to figure it out on her own and me getting in her way and/or pressuring her is not working. Ultimitaley if she wants to be with someone else then I don't want to be with her.

Then you DO understand that you have just given her a free pass to continue her affair, correct?

You, as a BS, have been given some work to do if you want to heal your M. It stinks, doesn't it. I know. I've been there. I AM there. Your first task is to help your WW break her addiction. You do this by ensuring that all doors to resumption of the A are closed. Most addicted waywards are not good at closing their own doors, and rely of the love of their spouse to help them do that.

You help her close the door to her addiction by removing access to it. If she were alcoholic, would you leave the liquor cabinet doors open? For that matter, wouldn't you remove the liquor cabinet entirely?

What you're saying is "Well, I guess if she's going to drink, she's going to drink. Nothing I can do about it. I might as well just leave an open bottle by the sink. She promised she wouldn't drink it."

You have communicated to her the following:
You don't care if the A resumes. You won't divorce her.
You will not help her. She's on her own.
It is too much effort to affair-proof your marriage. So she can go ahead with her affair.

I'm not sure how we can help you in this case.

As a WW, I have been in your wife's shoes. If you give her the space, she WILL continue the affair. I know I would have.

The books are great and really do contain so much information. But when you seem lost in your reading, these people here are amazing and will give you the best advice - just trust them and do what they say (which is really hard sometimes).

I know the experts here will probably not advise to bring your WW to this board until she is really done with the A, but I know that the 2x4s and reality checks they give me go a long way. Your WW needs someone in her life who can do that for her too - is there a friend of hers who she can talk to and help her come to her senses?

Originally Posted by knights22

There have been no phone calls as I look at phone records constantly. Don't check her email anymore since it was becoming too addictive and causing me more harm than good. The bottom line is if they want to get toghether they will. How can I stop that.

You expose the affair. That is how you stop that. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They stopped before when they were exposed and will do it again. But that will not happen if you stop snooping. It is causing you HARM to not snoop.

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I think she needs to figure it out on her own and me getting in her way and/or pressuring her is not working.

But you are not pressuring her or getting in her way. And you can see that this tactic is not working. No pressure + not getting in the way = ENABLING. Enabling + affair = divorce.

Did you want to save your marriage or not?

I agree with the above posters, whatever you do don't move out of the home, if she is serious about needing space make her do the work it takes to end your relationship, don't help her in any way, go see a lawyer to check what your rights are and in the meantime maybe change your finances so you will not be funding in affair costs...........
Exposure usually stops an affair in it's tracks, not much fun when it's out in the open............
You tell her when she is truly ready to give up the OM and work on your marriage you will be there for her and the two of you can get a plan together and work through whatever is needed, but if she is still involved with the OM that you can't continue in relationship.........
She will have to decide...........
If she says No, work towards separating and moving on with your life.......let her feel the brunt of her decisions, don't make things easy for her............
Right now be patient, don't expect anything from her, be pleasant and caring but go on with your life............
Plan A her(read about it on the site) and then when you have had all you can take ask her to leave and Plan B...............
Keep yourself busy...........eat, sleep and stay healthy
Athena, very proud of you giving advice ..........you are turning it around.......

Checking phone records on a three month-out, still foggy wayward means nothing! She may have gotten another phone, or resumed online when you stopped checking. I am pretty sure that you should be seeing some progress by this time if she were really no contact. Time to do more in depth snooping, my friend.