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Joined: Oct 2009
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Knights, look at what you've posted.

"My wife has been saying for a while that she "wants to see if the marriage can work" BUT NOT COMMITED TO WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE.

Do you see the inconsistency here? If she wants to separate what she really means is she wants to see if her affair can work.

Separation will not help this situation. It will not make you closer and will only make working on you marriage...HARDER FOR YOU. This is what she wants. No interference. Trust me on this.

Tell her you want to work on your marriage and separation is not part of the plan. If push comes to shove, and it probably will, do not move out of the marital home. If that's what she wants and she won't consider other options then that's on her.

I believe you know deep in your gut that she is in contact. Trust your gut.


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Originally Posted by knights22
There have been no phone calls as I look at phone records constantly. Don't check her email anymore since it was becoming too addictive and causing me more harm than good. The bottom line is if they want to get toghether they will. How can I stop that. I am not going to ask for a divorce since it's not what I want. I think she needs to figure it out on her own and me getting in her way and/or pressuring her is not working. Ultimitaley if she wants to be with someone else then I don't want to be with her.
Then you DO understand that you have just given her a free pass to continue her affair, correct?

You, as a BS, have been given some work to do if you want to heal your M. It stinks, doesn't it. I know. I've been there. I AM there. Your first task is to help your WW break her addiction. You do this by ensuring that all doors to resumption of the A are closed. Most addicted waywards are not good at closing their own doors, and rely of the love of their spouse to help them do that.

You help her close the door to her addiction by removing access to it. If she were alcoholic, would you leave the liquor cabinet doors open? For that matter, wouldn't you remove the liquor cabinet entirely?

What you're saying is "Well, I guess if she's going to drink, she's going to drink. Nothing I can do about it. I might as well just leave an open bottle by the sink. She promised she wouldn't drink it."

You have communicated to her the following:
You don't care if the A resumes. You won't divorce her.
You will not help her. She's on her own.
It is too much effort to affair-proof your marriage. So she can go ahead with her affair.

I'm not sure how we can help you in this case.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Nov 2010
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As a WW, I have been in your wife's shoes. If you give her the space, she WILL continue the affair. I know I would have.

The books are great and really do contain so much information. But when you seem lost in your reading, these people here are amazing and will give you the best advice - just trust them and do what they say (which is really hard sometimes).

I know the experts here will probably not advise to bring your WW to this board until she is really done with the A, but I know that the 2x4s and reality checks they give me go a long way. Your WW needs someone in her life who can do that for her too - is there a friend of hers who she can talk to and help her come to her senses?


WW (me) My Story
BH (Helo) His Story
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Originally Posted by knights22
There have been no phone calls as I look at phone records constantly. Don't check her email anymore since it was becoming too addictive and causing me more harm than good. The bottom line is if they want to get toghether they will. How can I stop that.

You expose the affair. That is how you stop that. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They stopped before when they were exposed and will do it again. But that will not happen if you stop snooping. It is causing you HARM to not snoop.

Quote
I think she needs to figure it out on her own and me getting in her way and/or pressuring her is not working.

But you are not pressuring her or getting in her way. And you can see that this tactic is not working. No pressure + not getting in the way = ENABLING. Enabling + affair = divorce.

Did you want to save your marriage or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with the above posters, whatever you do don't move out of the home, if she is serious about needing space make her do the work it takes to end your relationship, don't help her in any way, go see a lawyer to check what your rights are and in the meantime maybe change your finances so you will not be funding in affair costs...........
Exposure usually stops an affair in it's tracks, not much fun when it's out in the open............
You tell her when she is truly ready to give up the OM and work on your marriage you will be there for her and the two of you can get a plan together and work through whatever is needed, but if she is still involved with the OM that you can't continue in relationship.........
She will have to decide...........
If she says No, work towards separating and moving on with your life.......let her feel the brunt of her decisions, don't make things easy for her............
Right now be patient, don't expect anything from her, be pleasant and caring but go on with your life............
Plan A her(read about it on the site) and then when you have had all you can take ask her to leave and Plan B...............
Keep yourself busy...........eat, sleep and stay healthy
Athena, very proud of you giving advice ..........you are turning it around.......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Checking phone records on a three month-out, still foggy wayward means nothing! She may have gotten another phone, or resumed online when you stopped checking. I am pretty sure that you should be seeing some progress by this time if she were really no contact. Time to do more in depth snooping, my friend.


ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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