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Can anyone give me their experience regarding falling back in love? My wife has "lost that loving feeling" for me after our marriage was neglected for many years. Subsequently she had an affair.
We're still together but my wife can't seem to get her feelings for me to go beyond that of a "friend". She seems stuck there. She does not want to receive my love and affection even though those are her emotional needs. It's uncomfortable to her. Do I just need to be patient and let time go by or is she too far gone? Thoughts?
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Please click notify at the bottom of your post and ask to be moved to Surviving an Affair. They will be able to help you there.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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We're still together but my wife can't seem to get her feelings for me to go beyond that of a "friend". She seems stuck there. She does not want to receive my love and affection even though those are her emotional needs. It's uncomfortable to her. Do I just need to be patient and let time go by or is she too far gone? Thoughts? Hi knights, welcome to Marriage Builders, glad you are here. Yes, she can fall back in love with you as long as she never sees or speaks to the OM again AND you do certain things to recover the marriage. Yes it will be awkward at first, but in a few weeks it will become more natural. The way to restore your romantic feelings is to avoid all lovebusters and spend 20+ hours together of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of converstation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This program does not work without this step. It should scheduled out in 2-4 hour blocks throughout the week, without kids, friends or TV. When was her last contact with the OM? Is the OM married and if so, has his wife been notified? Has ALL contact ended?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please read this carefully and pick up the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. His wife is aware and they are actively working on their marriage. Problem is they live in same town and in the same or similar social circles.
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To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. His wife is aware and they are actively working on their marriage. Problem is they live in same town and in the same or similar social circles. Did you personally speak to the wife? If not, I would touch base with her and make sure she has the true story. And your WW will need to change her social circle if it includes the OM. That is not negotiable. It is profoundly disrespectful TO YOU for her to ever see this scumbag again, IN ANY CAPACITY. It also keeps her in a perpetual state of withdrawal and is likely to result in a resumed affair. Do your friends in the social circle know about your wife's affair? The reasons for your exit should not be concealed or whitewashed. The more people who know, the more people to hold her and the OM accountable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. And how extensive is your knowledge? ARe you snooping on her to make sure she is not seeing him? What are your resources?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To my knowledge all contact with the OM has been ended. His wife is aware and they are actively working on their marriage. Problem is they live in same town and in the same or similar social circles. This will have to end. You will need to discontinue these friendships. Your WW can have NO contact with OM. Each time she sees him she will be triggered. Can you move to another town? (I'll answer your question before you ask it: Yes, it IS that important.) Hey, welcome, by the way.  I hope we can help you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!
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She does not want to receive my love and affection even though those are her emotional needs. Your wording here is very revealing, and you and she have some serious work to do to get to the root of her reticence in this matter. "Does not want" implies an active rejection of something that is within her power to accept. Had you said something more like "she does not feel my love and affection", or "my love and affection are not sufficient" the problem would be more squarely in your quadrant to fix. I'm going to be venturing far into areas in which I am not certified to explore, but I'll put this out there for you to keep in mind. It may be that your FWW is having such a negative reaction to her own illicit activities that in her mind she is no longer worthy to be loved. If you and she can address this with a qualified IC or MC, it might save a lot of wasted wandering into root causes of ongoing problems. And I can speak from experience on this matter. A HUGE piece of my immediate post d-day efforts were to convince my FWW that she was in total a good person, who had been "played" into an EA by a former coworker with emotional/marital issues of his own.
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The reason he can't meet her needs is because she is emotionally withdrawn from her H and is not comfortable around him. She is in a state of withdrawal over her affair and is likely depressed. She hasn't been emotionally intimate with her H for a long time so it is awkward. She doesn't need to run off to counseling for that, they just need to use this program. Going off to counseling will just be a distraction at a critical time in their marriage. His description of his wayward wife is the RULE rather than the exception. A WW is emotionally withdrawn and depressed as a result of her affair, therefore, she is not emotionally receptive to her husband. As time goes on, and she withdraws, she will grow closer to him. It does not happen overnight. Dr Harley addresses this here: Remember the Love Bank? If you are to be in love with your husband, he must deposit enough love units into his account in your Love Bank so that it will trigger the feeling of love in you. But since you are depressed while you are getting through withdrawal, it will be almost impossible for him to deposit very many love units. If he is to deposit love units into your Love Bank, you must first get over being depressed so you can associate him with your good feelings.
Once you are through withdrawal, however, you are ready for marital reconciliation because then, and only then, does your husband have a chance to deposit love units. Your mood will improve dramatically, and the effort your husband makes to meet your needs will reap impressive dividends. Before long, you will be in love with him again. So see? The solution is to have patience, go through the steps and wait for her to complete withdrawal. THEN you will be able to effectively meet her needs. Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wife wants to separate. She feels she needs "space" to "sort out her feelings", to "figure out who she is". I asked her this AM where her feelings stand for the OM, she said: "part of her misses him and still has feelings for him". She says the temptation to contact him is there but she's managing it. I then asked what she would do if he contacted her and said his marriage is over and wants to reconnect with her to see what they could have together..., her reply was "I don't know what I would do". She says she hopes that does not happen because it "would make it harder on her to make a decision on our marriage".
The affair "ended" early Oct. We're now at 3 months. Is this "normal" for the "withdrawal" phase? Should I remain patient and get out of her way? Confused.
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My wife wants to separate. She feels she needs "space" to "sort out her feelings", to "figure out who she is". I asked her this AM where her feelings stand for the OM, she said: "part of her misses him and still has feelings for him". She says the temptation to contact him is there but she's managing it. I then asked what she would do if he contacted her and said his marriage is over and wants to reconnect with her to see what they could have together..., her reply was "I don't know what I would do". She says she hopes that does not happen because it "would make it harder on her to make a decision on our marriage".
The affair "ended" early Oct. We're now at 3 months. Is this "normal" for the "withdrawal" phase? Should I remain patient and get out of her way? Confused. Please bring us up to speed, knights. Have you detached from the social circle you had in common with OM? Was a NC letter written and sent? Has WW given you all the information you need regarding the A? Have you been spending 25-30 hours weekly on UA? Most important: Have you confirmed that there has been NO CONTACT?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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My wife wants to separate. She feels she needs "space" to "sort out her feelings", to "figure out who she is". She wants to separate so she will be free to carry on the affair without interference. The affair "ended" early Oct. We're now at 3 months. Is this "normal" for the "withdrawal" phase? Should I remain patient and get out of her way? Confused. I would suspect she is either in contact now or she is planning on being in contact. Has all contact ended? Has the OM's wife been told? Has the affair been exposed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OM reached out via email about 2 months ago but my wife did not respond. There has been NO contact since.
As to social contact, there has been none but we have not removed ourselves from the social circle, just avoided events they are at. The Other Couple has removed themselves more than us.
My wife has not sent a No Contact letter nor have I forced her to do so. That would not go over well since she's not "committed" to working on marriage yet and that would probably push her further away from me.
I've gotten all the info I need on the affair.
Not sure what UA is? We're not working the plan of spending 15 hrs/wk together cuz she's not comfortable doing so right now. I've been putting too much pressure on her and she feels "guilty" that her feelings have not turned around yet. She feels space will "reignite" some feelings for me and "motivate" her to want to work on the marriage.
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She feels space will "reignite" some feelings for me and "motivate" her to want to work on the marriage. This is baloney. People who want to work together, work together. They don't separate to get the feeling of working together. I suspect there has been contact with OM. Can you tell us what you have been doing to make sure there is no possibility of that?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The OM reached out via email about 2 months ago but my wife did not respond. Did you forward this email to his wife to show her that he was attempting to resume the affair?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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His wife is aware of this attempt. They are still "working" on their marriage but things are getting choppy with them.
I have taken my wife's word that there has been no contact.
My wife has been saying for awhile that she "wants to see if the marriage can work" but not committed to working on the marriage.
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I have taken my wife's word that there has been no contact. Do not take your WW's word for this! Have you done ANY snooping? Do you not realize yet that your WW is not to be trusted?? 
D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The affair is either still on or she intends on resuming it when she gets separated. "Wanting space" is wayward code talk for wanting the freedom to carry on her affair.
If she asks for "space," be a gentleman and clean out a corner of your garage for her. Put a nice lawn chair out there for her. The fact that she "needs space" is a strong indicator the affair is still on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There have been no phone calls as I look at phone records constantly. Don't check her email anymore since it was becoming too addictive and causing me more harm than good. The bottom line is if they want to get toghether they will. How can I stop that. I am not going to ask for a divorce since it's not what I want. I think she needs to figure it out on her own and me getting in her way and/or pressuring her is not working. Ultimitaley if she wants to be with someone else then I don't want to be with her.
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