I'd love to hear your experiences...particularly those of you with children. How many of you exposed an affair, stopped it and salvaged your marriages to the point that the marriage was a pleasant thing to be in? How do you decide your kids will benefit from the exposure? How old were your kids and how much did they understand? Any exposure backlash?
Hi Juststopit! I love your screen name, btw!
Exposure is the most powerful weapon against an affair. While it is not a guarantee, most of the recovered marriages here are recovered because they exposed. We have had affairs killed the very day they were exposed. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is ruinous. Sometimes it is not immediate, but we have learned in many cases it hastens their death.
Dr Harley calls it the most important first step towards recovery:
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
Here he chastises a betrayed husband for not exposing his wife's affair and tells him that exposure would have likely led to the end of her affair, He calls this man an enabler:
Dr Harley: "it's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler." Children over the ages of 4-5 should be told about the affair. If you don't tell them the truth your WS will likely tell them lies. Giving children false explanations about the source of tension of in their home teaches them dishonesty. Children desperately need the truth and some moral guidance.
Yes, and it is fabulous!! Just imagine taking the crack pipe away from the crack head. They are furious!! The goal here, though, is to save the marriage, not to avoid the WS' wrath. Your marriage can survive some short term anger, it can't survive an affair. The anger blows over quickly.
There is damaging backlash, though, when a BS does just a little exposure because they are timid. Doing that is just enough to piss off the WS, but not enough to kill the affair. It is like going to a gun fight with a pea shooter. Hit him with the pea shooter and he just comes after you with a VENGEANCE. Hit him with an UZI and you have killed the enemy. [affair]
Hope that helps!!