Hi everyone!

I have been a lurker for some time on this board and I have finally decided that it is time to come out of hiding. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll start from the beginning of my marriage. H and I met and fell in love very quickly (engaged within 4 months and married 10 months later) and pretty much dove right in head first from the get-go as far as emotional connections go. I had a pretty rough childhood due to divorced parents and remarriage of both. H was my rock! He helped me through most of my baggage. He was always there for me to lean on and I will always be grateful for that. We were the best of friends and I loved him more than I ever thought possible!

Fast forward 8 years and now we are married with 2 beautiful DD. H is a wonderful dad and a great provider, but not that great at being my H anymore. I feel disconnected for various reasons and BEG him to go to MC with me or to at least acknowledge that we are not happy. He refuses to do either. After several failed attempts at reaching out to him, I started to look for attention from other men. I KNOW I WAS WRONG! I am not making any excuses. It was horrible and I should have just been strong enough to leave him instead of being unfaithful to him. This went on for two years with me having kissed 3 other men besides my H. Finally, September of 2009, I met another man and began a texting affair that led up to one night of a full PA. I then began to trickle-truth my H with details of my various unfaithfulness, starting on our 10 year anniversary to the day ending last summer when I told him the entire truth about everything.

Anyway, where we are now is that he is now aware of all of my indiscretions and he has confessed to a few of his own during the false recovery from October until July of last year and several since. His indiscretions were with a "friend" of mine. He continues to this day to be friend with her, as well.

OK, so long winded post, I know. I guess I just need support. I have decided that my marriage and my H are absolutely worth fighting for. After much back and forth, I have decided to Plan A as much as I can until he realizes the same thing. He has finally agreed to go to IC because he knows that he is at rock-bottom. What is the best way for me to help meet his needs without draining my LB$ completely?

I have read HNHN and we did all of the questionaires, etc. He just doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore and I want so bad to be able to be the wife to him that he deserves!! Thanks in advance! This board has been amazing for me and I appreciate you all so much even though you don't even know me. WPG, especially, I have been following your thread religiously because I feel we are very similar.

Peace to all!

RD74,

Was the OMW told of this affair?

Did you get tested for STDs?

Kissing is huge for some men btw, I can't tell you the last
time my W kissed me with any real passion, it is harder to fake
kissing than most other kinds of sex.

God Bless
Gamma

I just wanted to tell you, I think it's great that your not giving up and TRYING. I am in a simliar situation and my wife is still here but doesn't feel like she really wants to do be. I think we truly love each other but beyond that I am not sure..She thinks I only married her because we had a baby..but the truth is regardless of why we got married and the what if's..there is no one else I would rather be with and it took her having an affair to make me realize this. I think if she had voice her happiness and shown it and gave me an ulimatlium it wouldn't have taken an affair for me to understand but it was the ONLY thing that would make me understand the pain she went thru becuase of mine.
Good luck and don't give up!

Thanks, Gamma!

I know that when it came to kissing other men, for me it was about attention from other men. I missed making out with my H since it was very rarely that I did.

I know that he feels betrayed by that, but I think for him it is more about the lies that I continued to tell him after I realized what I had done. He doesn't trust that I have truly become a different person in the last 6 months. I also lost my mom to leukemia in Nov, so trust me the life changing experiences have been plenty lately. I just want to know how I can rebuild his faith and love.

Lmwsc, thank you so much for posting. I am praying that my H will eventually realize that he wants to be with me and that we can have an amazing marriage with hard work. For him, he just doesn't think the reward is worth the effort. Man, I miss my H!

Sorry, on the BB, so it isn't easy to post.

Gamma, to answer your question, both H and I decided not to tell OMW because it would affect the kids (kids in same school and very close friends). Otherwise, there has been full exposure. We also both have been tested and are both clean. Thanks again for any help/advice!

RD74,

decided not to tell OMW because it would affect the kids (kids in same school and very close friends

Ouch this indirect contact may be keeping your H in a state of pain, I know when OM4's daughter calls my wife or sends her a card it just kills me.

Did your H give the guy a beating? OM will continue to cheat on his wife.

God Bless
Gamma

You realize, then, that they may find out some other way, yes? Truth has a way of coming out.

Omw has a right to know

No, it has not been exposed and it is wrong to withhold this information from the OMW. Your children should be told too so they understand why you have to avoid this family. They should not be friends with these kids anymore because that exposes you and your H to them. To do so is to put their family at risk.

Tell the OMW, it will clean the slate as grown ups so you can then do the grown up thing. It will also help them to do the same.

Glad your here for help and H too, exposure seems hard and you might think your protecting everybody, but the truth works best and has the best chance of clearing everyone conscience, and blazing the way for true reonciliation for all.

I truly do appreciate everyone's advice. As far as my husband getting triggered by seeing the OM, unfortunately that is the case. H has told me that he does not want the kids affected by this anymore than they have been already. OMW knows of some of the details but not all. H wants it that way. I have already hurt too many people and I have left it up to him as far as what he wants done. That is the ONLY reason that there has not been FULL disclosure. Otherwise, everybody else in our family and friends know. The kids are far too young to know the details of who and why Mommy and Daddy are having issues. H OW used to be one of my closest friends and her and my kids spent lots of time together before all of this. I know how damaging that situation can be because my Mom's husband used to be a family friend as well.

I am trying to put this all behind us. My kids deserve so much better than what they have gotten from me and I want to give them what I never had .. a safe, stable home life with a Mommy and Daddy who love and respect each other. I know there is no "reset" button, but I am trying to compensate for my behavior by being the best wife and mother I can be. I just want H to come around and want the same!

I'm sorry raindancer, but I'm seeing a lot of wayward justification here. Either you're going to clean this slate or you're not. Hiding things and hoping to put it all behind you like it never happened will not clean this slate.

Here's what I'm talking about, with my response to you in color:
Then why would you leave them in a position to be blindsided by this knowledge somewhere down the road? And it WILL come out, raindancer. Things like this always do.
Is this because you tried to tell her everything and she refused to hear it? Or is it that someone alluded to the A, and you know she has an idea of it?
No, they're not. And kids usually have an idea that something is wrong. They tend to assume it's something they are doing, or have done. Why would you leave them with this false belief?

It's just not that easy. It's now a part of your marital and family fabric and needs to be addressed as such.

Agree, leaving this information out from those kids is very dangerous down the road, if you do not see this then I am sorry there will be no such thing as a full recovery.

With all the triggers your H is feelings, and the lies to your children it wont be good.

The only way to fix that is to tell the OMW and your children.

No more lies please.

hi raindancer, I have been sort of lurking the boards lately but saw where you'd been following my posts and thought I'd chime in.

As for exposure, I've attempted exposing to OMW but don't know if she ever received the email I sent her. But I will also add when my H told me he was separating, I told his mom and his sister the truth. I didn't want them to think the separation was his fault, because my infidelity was the ultimate cause. I don't have to lie to them anymore, and while they may hate me for what I've done, that is their choice. My family, friends, pastor, my husband's aunt, they knew from the beginning. I had to confess again to them when the PA came out, because I'd been lying to them, too.

If I've learned anything, it's that I can't control what other people do. That has been the hardest lesson for me to learn - that and PATIENCE. I still struggle with both. With my H gone, I still feel like there must be something I can do to bring him back.

I know what you mean, that you miss your H. I miss mine, too. I don't know what advice I can give as I have probably lost my H for good...learning from the mistakes I made, I suppose, as I think sometimes our recovery is a guide of what not to do...But you MUST keep your Taker under control. I could do well with that for a while, but my problem was every time I would see a glimmer of hope, I would want the whole ball game, right there, right then (that's where the whole "Tommy Boy" thing came from!). I wanted him back and I just knew we could be better than ever and I was so ready for that. Like me, you trickle-truthed your H and your words now are meaningless. You have to show consistency through your actions. That means, unlike me, avoiding expectations.

Another thing - your "friend" is a threat to your M. Your H does not need to continue to be a friend to this woman and neither do you. That's where the issue of boundaries, EPs, and opposite sex protection plans come into play.

It's a hard fight, but the reward is worth it. I still believe that a recovered M with my H is worth any cost. I hope we get there someday, and I hope the same for you and your H.

RD, if you are your H is running into OM often, and the kids go to school with each other, then I think you live too close to each other.

May I suggest moving to the other side of town, or to a new town if the current one is too small. This will help you expose everything to OMW and to the kids.

Wow! So much information! I am so appreciative of everyone's thoughts and advice, believe me. Let me clarify a few points for you.

I wish I could fully expose to OMW. I want to! H doesn't want to. She was told of the texting, but not the PA. Isn't that ultimately his choice to make??

I did expose to my family and after reading some of the posts on here, went to his parents and told them everything and apologized for hurting H and them.

I see what you are saying about the kids though, I think I may need to come clean to them sooner rather than later. However, do I tell them of H affair as well or do I let him decide that? I am so confused. I caused all of this pain, but isn't he responsible for his own actions too!? Ug!!

WPG, I know exactly what you mean by patience! H is constantly telling me that if we didn't have kids, we would be divorced and that the only reason we are not is because we can't afford it financially. I don't want a loveless marriage, but how do I convince him that we don't need to be stuck where we are and that we can work on it together to be better?

As for "friend", that is the one sticking point that I am having the hardest time with. He refuses to stop talking to her. Since this started he has tried NC 3 separate times, but it never sticks. I don;t think they are more than friends at this point, but it hurts just the same. I have nothing to do with her as I think she is pure evil for what she is doing to my family!

Wheels, we can't move because H would never support that decision. We love where we live, worked hard to get there and the SD is fantastic.

I know what everyone is saying about trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. I really am not doing that, though. I have spent the last 6 months trying to meet all of H needs and compensate for my part in the disaster that is my marriage. I have been doing this, knowing that H doesn't want to be with me and that he is having his EN met by "friend" as well! Help! What do I do next???

BTW ... WPG, I feel like you are reading from my diary with this statement!! That is exactly how I feel! Never thought of the Tommy Boy analogy, though!!!

Thanks again!

You tell them everything, no lies, no secrets, they need to understand that they are not the blame of this mess.

I am prepared for the 2 x 4's. I know I must sound stubborn and that I don't want to do what it takes, but trust me when I tell you that if I tell the kids everything and OMW, it will only make H angrier and drive him further away. I know my H .. that will not help anyone!!

Thanks again for everyone chiming in!

I actually commented on the quote above, but I forgot to change the color .. sorry! I'm still learning!

Then tell us what you want to do? what is your plan? Because we have been trying to help with a plan and all I hear are excuses I love this saying....

You are either going to find a way or find the excuses..

And I'm sorry to be harsh that's just they way I type you can ask anyone here, I am very bold, I do not sugar coat anything, sorry just my personality. I want you to realize that you have a chance to save this marriage but if you are not willing to do the work and find the excuses then I can not help you. Maybe someone else can.

Good luck

[/quote]

I am prepared for the 2 x 4's. I know I must sound stubborn and that I don't want to do what it takes, but trust me when I tell you that if I tell the kids everything and OMW, it will only make H angrier and drive him further away. I know my H .. that will not help anyone!!

Thanks again for everyone chiming in![/quote]

raindancer, when I was in college, I had a surgery that could not be sewn up. It was so deep that just stitching it up would have led to bad infection. It had to heal from the inside out, and I had to clean it and pour this anti-bacterial stuff into it three times a day. Let me tell you, changing that bandaging and cleaning out the wound was UNPLEASANT. So about a well after the surgery, I went a day or two without tending to it. You can probably guess what happened. Infection started to set in, and if I thought keeping it clean was unpleasant......infection and having the doctor clean it out was waaaaay worse.

If you try to just stitch up these wounds without tending to them properly (i.e. complete honesty, NC no matter what), it might look on the surface like things are healed.....but underneath will be a deadly infection.

I know that analogy is kind of gross, but it fits. The things that are being hidden are infectious, and by keeping contact with the AP's - directly or indirectly - the wound is just being hurt over and over again.

SR, I appreciate it! I am the same way. H often says that I was not born with a filter, lol!

OK, a plan .. hmmm!

I guess at this point, I am just going to continue to Plan A while H goes through therapy. I really do feel as though I have exposed enough for where we are now. (2 x 4 at will) H has said that he doesn't want to be married to me, so unless that changes, what choice do I have??

I guess what I am looking for here is a place to go when I am having a rough time with the patience part of Plan A. A place to vent, a safe place to talk about how I feel about what I have done and what he is doing. Is that OK? At least for now?

I want to recover my M. He doesn't. Until I can get him on board with MB, can't I just come here on my own and have some people that are going through similar experiences help me to deal with the fallout of my own selfishness??

Yeah, I know your husband too, and i have heard this too, I even said this myself.

This is exposure for your affair, and there needs to be exposure for his affairs. I don't know which is better, to do them at the same time, or to do them one after the other. Either way your H will get angry, angry, angry. Especially when exposure of his affair comes to light.

If your marriage can not handle exposure of all the wrongings you have done to each other and your kids, then maybe it was not meant to be. You will never know unless you get the lies out, and let the kids and OMW know, plus the exposure of his affair.

These situations are so messed up because there are 2 WS, each disrespecting marriage and each other. How do you really fix this? well the first step is exposure, and NC on both your parts.

Love the no filter part, it runs in Sapphs family, I have never seen a more lively family dinner. I will turn red at the stuff that comes out of Sapphs mouth, and the stuff that her family says. All us guys married into the family will often need to take a break from the circus and go on a huge mandate.

Sometimes I have to nudge her when she begins to discuss bedroom stuff in church. "Honey, I don't want Mrs. Johnson to know that."

Ok, say I agree with all of you (which I am very close to doing, btw), I have nobody to expose his EA/PA/?? to. His parents already know and she is going through a D, so there is nobody to tell on her side that would care one way or the other. As far as I know, her parents and friends are happy that she is moving on.

I can tell the kids, but again, tell them what? They are very young and vulnerable. They have already been through he!!.

And what do we do, pull them away from their school that they love and friends that they love and home that they love? Isn't that just more trauma for a child to deal with?

Isn't it up to us as parents to protect them from our mistakes and do our best to deal with the fallout without affecting them. I really don't see how messing up their lives anymore than I already have is helping them or us?

Wheels, LOL! I got my H a shirt that says "I apologize for my wife!" It's so appropriate!!!

At what age do you intend to tell them?

The moral is you have to do what you can to have NC with the OM and OW. The kids can survive getting new friends, or a new school if you want to do that without moving. I think having parents divorce is more scarring than missing a friend after a detailed explaination why they can't be friends.

"Mom and dad made BIG mistakes. We both dated someone else outside of our marriage. Bobby's dad is the person I dated. For mom and dad to stay married I can not know what bobby's family is doing. We are going to transfer you to otherside elementry where you can make new friends, and mom and dad can do their best to stay married without knowing what Bobby and his parents are doing."

yeah that is sad. But it sounds better than mom and dad are divorcing and we are going to share you 50/50.

Ouch, Wheels!! It makes perfect sense, but H will NEVER go for it! It's only daycare at this point, it's only another 2 or so years. I know it sucks, but it's the consequences of my actions that I have to deal with it. I wish it was, but it's not an option.

I don't believe that they ever need to know all of the details. They are just kids. Why should they have to suffer for our mistakes???

Your kids are under 5 yo? yeah it only really matters to tell the kids that are around 7 and above who can comprehend it. My boys DS2 and DS4 make friends and drop friends like flies. They are not going to notice if they switch up daycares.

OMG, you're right!! Wheels, thanks! I never even really thought about that. They can very easily switch to a different daycare. I will look into that. Seriously, thanks!!!

Just called the daycare and it's a quick paperwork transfer .. man, why didn't I think of that???

HEY!! Those are accidents when I whisper something too loud to you :P

Ya that's my husband

Way to go wheels!! She finally got something out of 4 pages worth ROFL.

Nice, SR! Way to make me feel like a dummy!!!

I consider it progress, so thanks to you and your hubby!!!

anytime

Just remember that unless there is NC there is no recovery.

And I still think the OMW needs to know let me give you this analogy..

Lets say you pick up your kids from the day care and down the road you see your neighbors car getting broken into, you see the mans face you know exactly what he looks like do you...

1.) Call the police and tell them what the man looks like?

Or

2.) Don't call and pretend you don't know anything and everything will be fine, and you find out that her friends child was in the car waiting, and it was too late and they found the child in a ditch??

THIS DEVASTATION IS THE SAME THING YOU ARE DOING TO THE OMW!!!!

Good luck.

OK, How do I tell H about this? Do I simply say, "I have decided that OMW deserves to know the entire truth so that she can protect herself from future infidelity from OM and in order to do so, I feel that we need to protect DDs from the fallout by moving them to a different daycare"?

Or do I just "suggest" it? I am not sure how to broach the subject since it will cost a little bit more and is a little further away from the other one. Any advice?

Exactly!!

Tell him "that you decided and that I am sorry that this is not what you want, but in my heart I feel she needs to know to protect her and her children."

Before I really read through this entire thread I just wanted to say that I believe in "reset buttons".

They DO happen.

Which I hope is a message of hope to you and your husband. You can give each other a "do over" and rebuild from there...not forgetting the past but rebuilding, better than ever, despite the past.

I also commend you for posting your story and allowing people (us) to help you. Obviously you AND your husband have messed this marriage up pretty bad and need some help. You've reach out to the right place. I hope he (your husband) gets on board with MB too.

Mr. Wondering

Ummmmmmm

I'd go about it slightly differently. No disrespect. Just an alternative option.

I'd begin:

"My adultery was like a cancer inside me.
Eating me up from the inside out.
My adultery was and still is a poison for my soul.
I know I have gotten rid of 90% of the cancer, but there is 10% that I cannot seem to get rid of.
In order for me to completely rid myself of this cancerous and shameful secret, I have decided to inform OMW of the affair.

Once this is done, I will be cancer-free and can truly become the best person I am capable of becoming."

"I'd like your support.
Our marriage will be all the better for this complete purge of the cancer."

This seems more respectful of your own marriage than saying "I am sorry that this is not what you want but i am going to do this anyway."

POJA how to expose to OMW.

This is, first and foremost, MARRIAGE BUILDING.
Exposure to OMW should be a part of MARRIAGE BUILDING wherever possible.

I was going to mention somehow incorporating PoJA too...but Pep beat me to it

I think thats an excellent way to approach it.

Back to basics:


Look at his love bank.
Make a conscious decision to make love bank deposits in the way(s) that is (are) most meaningful to him.

Notice pep say POJA the HOW to expose, not the exposure itsself.

Also, I was thinking that you should POJA the kids daycare move, the decisions to save the marriage should be done together. Doing it by yourself without talking it through with your husband can be an IB love buster. Hard part is finding the solution that you two can both be excited about while sticking to MB ways.

Ugggg!!! OMW Exposure ... FAIL!!!

H WILL NOT accept moving the kids daycare and therefore we POJA'd that if we can't protect them from the fallout than we will not tell her!!!!


HELP!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR W!!! Hope is exactly what I need right about now!!! God Bless!

That's the problem with POJA'ing with a spouse that:

1. Is wayward
2. Doesn't understand the concept


I, personally, don't think exposing to OMW's is a poja issue. Your repentance to God includes an obligation to tell that woman what you did to her. Every day you keep/maintain the secret is another day of deliberate harm to her. How you go about telling her IS poja'able but with your wayward husband it needs a well thought out strategy. These affair/revenge affair situations have so many layers. Your husband isn't going to be very receptive to you dictating what you are going to do (expose) as that will trigger him back to your old independent behaviors when you were actively cheating on him. It's an almost "entitled" approach wherein you are, again, telling him what you intend to do in no uncertain terms despite how he feels about it. On the other hand, he's wayward now and not thinking clearly himself. His empathy capacity is at an all time low and he doesn't care about himself, you, OM's wife or much of anything but MAINTAINING THE STATUS QUO so he can keep cake eating with his special divorcing friend (that he MAY have a secret bargain with to wait until her divorce is final before dating themselves...I hope you are snooping on that relationship).


Anyway...I don't think it's wise to be jumping the gun is just a couple of hours of posting. Patience.

Mr. W

p.s.- seeing that you've already dropped the ball...perhaps giving your husband some time to digest your new plan and intended direction is in order. Show him (in your Plan A) some respect. LISTEN to his opinions. In the end, you may not agree and you may go forward on your own with exposure but hear out your husband....respectively. Honesty and respect....two things your marriage needs a lot more of.

Raindancer:

You and the OM committed a "crime" against OMW. If he isn't man enough to be honest with his wife, then you should consider it your OBLIGATION to tell her.

If you were in her shoes, would YOU want to know? Tell your H that you must tell her, and he will need to work with you to navigate the "fallout."

My wife and I both had a conversation with the OMW. The OM wasn't man enough to be honest with his wife, so we helped him out. It was the best thing we ever did. The OMW was GRATEFUL that we shared all the details, and she then took appropriate action to protect her and her two kids. DIVORCE!

Don't add insult to injury by not informing the OMW. You really do owe it to her.

Thank you again, Mr. W! You are correct in everything that you stated above...

My M is lacking honesty and respect on both parts.
I am a VERY impulsive person, so I do tend to jump the gun a lot.
They did have a PA and are now "just friends" , I know it's laughable. I am aware that she is an ongoing threat, but I have chosen to fight by Plan A'ing until I can't anymore.

You guys at MB rock!!!

None taken you guys are way better figuring that out on how to do POJA that sort of thing.

I am intending to tell OMW. I am not sure how and when. I am very worried about my kids.

I hope you remember, because you will learn.....there is no such thing as just "being friends" with your affair partner. The heart cannot live with two "lovers" IMHO. It will be torn and cancerous.

And....you can only run so long from your mistakes. This A will come out eventually. There is no such thing as a secret playing this game. If you expose, then you control the content and delivery. Don't leave it up to someone else.

Question, I read a lot about how the 6 month mark after d-day that there is a lot of anger that comes back to the surface. Is this true? I feel like all of a sudden H is worse than he has been in months! How can I help him??

Thanks in advance!

Tell your H that the 3 of you (you, OM, BH) do not have the right to make the descisions about OMW's life, by witholding this info (that is vital to OMW) you are making descisions for her that are not really yours to make.

What is the worst case fallout that you fear (about the kids?)

Thanks for posting, barbiecat!

H and I have talked about that exact thing and he feels that by doing that, we are hurting the kids and by not telling her, we are choosing our kids happiness and well-being over OMW and he said and I agree that "I would choose them over anyone every time" (from now on, that is as I know that by having an affair, I chose wrong)

Fallout will be disastrous. We live in the same neighborhood and our youngest kids are best friends. OM is a POS and would absolutely do anything and everything to make our lives miserable, including involving the kids. I really am trying to protect them. I thought that the daycare thing would be the perfect way to keep them from getting hurt, but H is dead-set against it.

So, back to square one again, I guess!

Your kids are too young to even remember anything when they grow up...I believe that is a HUGE excuse to not remove them out of the daycare and tell the OMW.

Understood, but that is not the case. I am protecting my children from further damage. I know first hand of the damage that can be done to a child of divorce and I also know what damage can be done when a child is forced to grow up to reality too early.

Most of my issues stem from the above and if I hadn't known as much as I did at such a young age (7) and my parents had kept their "adult" issues to themselves, I don't think I would be nearly as screwed up today as I am.

Isn't there a way to agree to disagree at this point? Can I not move forward with the other steps? I am not saying that this can't be re-explored at a different time, but for now can we focus on other aspects of this mess??

For example .. 6 month mark? Why is the anger so much worse? How can I help him come to terms with it? In another month is my anger towards him going to surface or is it different because "I went first"?

As always, thanks!

OK so I was thinking about your stitch and why your WH refuses to tell the OMW and to change daycare's....and all this POJA stuff...your husband is a WS the only thing he cares about is him right now there is no such thing as "POJAing" with a wayward.

I feel in my heart that you really do need to say and do something for your husband to listen and the only way for you to do that is to go into plan B. I don't know what everyone else will suggest but this is what I would do if I was you..

1.) I would first contact the OMW telling her everything and apologize.
2.) change day cares so my kids can make new friends ending this once and for all.
3.) exposing to everyone what your husband has done
4.) write a plan B letter and tell him to leave
5.) find an IM to help with you during your plan B

I understand that POJA is important but I also think respecting each other is also important, your husband is a wayward and he is not respecting you at all, he does not care that your feelings are hurt, or nor does he care about the OMW. His attitude right now is very destructive, and if you don't do anything then lady it will get worse.

I totally agree and so does he. That is why he has decided to go to therapy. I know what you are saying and I am fully ready to do just that. I just need to give him a little bit of time once he starts therapy to see if anything changes. I owe him that!

I disagree with sapph. I think you need to fix your A first by plan A your husband, establish NC forever with the OM (including seeing each other walking in the neighborhood, and children), and exposure.

Start using baby steps because a wayward will never support you. Once you have taken care of these things then you have to continue plan A and attack the WH affair. After that is exhausted then plan B.

This is heavy stuff you have to weigh in and find the best course of action.

I really don't want the kids hurt, it is when you use them as pawns to do your dirty work is when they are messed up.

Exactly, Wheels! That is what I am planning on doing. But, I am going to do it without sacrificing anymore of my children's happiness!

I knew I married you for a reason!!

I thought you have been doing plan A?? if you haven't even started then ignore my post

Put up a "for sale" sign on the house.

If you stay in that neighborhood...you and your husband will eventually divorce. No doubt about it.

So instead of waiting it out and "trying" for the next 1, 2, 4, 6 miserable years with each of you having some contact with all these "other men/women" whereupon the house will need to be sold, equity divided and the kids hopes and dreams crush THEN....

just TRY to sell and get a decent price (or if you are upside down...go the short-sale/foreclosure route). MAYBE just MAYBE you'll find another "dream home" far away from this mess...

Where...

you'll actually have a chance at the "DREAM".


Your children are ALREADY devastated and hurt by the actions of BOTH their parents....they just don't know it yet. Staying in that neighborhood and keeping secrets is one sure way to insure that they will know it...eventually.

Tick...tick...tick goes the marriage.

Mr. Wondering

I agree...with everything else you need to fix, your marriage will not survive unless you move.

Then I guess I am really stuck, cause there is no way that he will go along with selling the house!

I see no hope in this situation and it kills me! I would give anything for a Delorean!

''You can always choose your actions but you can never choose your consequences''

I know you are trying to keep the peace. I know you think you are being kind and mature and understanding and longsuffering. I know you think that will protect everybody, and that is love is it not?

Tawandas post is really a good analogy. Those deep infections really have to undergo some rather painful and messy cleaning procedures. We recovered our marriage and I had hope that just her stopping her drinking was enough, and maybe in time she would go to AA or counseling. She did everything but get that counseling, buried the deeper issues down where she looked good, but they still had some effect on us, and eventually she relapsed and now shes gone.

Hes gotta hate what he did and hate what got him there, and that might mean hate part of himself. Sorry same for you. Some of the stuff is so painful, but i can see what your doing and am warning you, take the advice and open this infection to the cleaning power of the truth and let the light burn off the infection. Thats the best anology I can drum up for ya.

Good luck and God Bless

Pep, it made my eyes misty, awesome post.

As a MB board, we can not help you by advocating dishonesty. MB, theory is built on truth, and honset consequences, we will not (I hope) help you decieve this OMW.
....well, at least on this point- I will not help you deceive her.

It simply does not jive with the rest of the program.

For exaple, if you agree to "snow" the OMW due to "avoiding consequences" -even for the "sake" of the kids", how then, can you trust your spouse not to "snow" you in the future about other things - to avoid the very same consequences?


Yes, "involving" the kids is harmful - MB does not believe in involving children, but age appropriate truth telling.

Spider webs of family secrets can hurt kids just as badly.

All contact with this family is going to FOREVER be a trigger for your BS and you.

I forget. What are the consequences for your children that you are so afraid of?

That they will lose friends?
They may have to move to another daycare?

It will be worse if they lose their family.
And they have to move to two apartments.

I am not trying to be mean, here.

BC is right again, and I agree with her 100%

I have been in the same situation as you find yourself, and was going to post a long story trying to show you from my experience how covering up and wishful thinking will not help the health of your marrige, and is so painfully unessesary.

I hope you listen to the wisdom of what these posters are telling you about exposing all this crap. You have more to fear from dishonesty and deception than the truth. The truth is the foundation where you can rebuild yourself and your marriage, and in that order BTW.

We are human and capable of all forms of despicable things and excuses for them. Bringing them to light and changing them is the only way to peace.

As Mr Wondering said, there is a reset button, make sure you push it all the way in.

Great words I must add!

Wow! It's been a really long time ...

OK, Update. I told OMW about everything and apologized to her. I also informed her that H and I were separating and that there will be no threat from me to her marriage as I respect her family.

H moved out in April and continues to have a EA/PA with my "friend". I have filed for D but still plan on fighting, if possible, during the process.

What are the chances that if we are separated and perhaps start "dating" each other that we could fix this?

I am open to any and all suggestions!

Thanks!

Hi,

Have you exposed your WH's affair?

Hi!

Unfortunately, there is nobody left to expose it to. We are separated and he is "free" to date now. Plus, she is going through a divorce and her family is happy for her that she's moving on.

I am not sure if "dating" my husband is a good idea or not, but I figured if we could start to spend time together where we don't discuss the last 2 years, maybe we could get some of the old magic back.

We have both been in IC and have dealt with alot of the issues that caused the deterioration of our marriage. I don't want to give up on rebuilding a stronger, healthier marriage. Is it even possible though since he is having his needs met elsewhere?

Thanks in advance!

^^ for Raindancer

Raindancer, if you click on your name (or anybody's name; names are links) you will get "view posts" from a drop-down menu. Here you will see everything they ever posted. You can narrow that list down to "topics created". Under that, you are likely to find a thread about a poster's own story.

Wow! Thanks, Neak and SugarCane! I appreciate the bump!

So, here is the latest in my "drama".

I am supposed to be moving into an apt next month and he is supposed to move back to the house. He is now starting to hedge a little and talking reconciliation. I know that Financial Security is his most important emotional need. I am just worried that it is his only motivation. I mentioned on AEK's hijacked thread (sorry again!) that I will have a list of demands in order to accept any sort of reconciliation. NC being the most important. However, I also found a marriage retreat that I am considering making non-negotiable. What do you all think of that? I have been burned by him one too many times to fully trust in this. I told my IC last night that I am "hopefully optimistic" but scared out of my mind at the same time. I am tired of this roller coaster and I want off one way or the other!

As for sitting down with her, I want her to know once and for all that No Contact means No Contact and I want to be there to be sure that she knows that I will make her life H3LL if she doesn't go away this time! I have not had much leverage because he has repeatedly said that he doesn't know what he wants. If he commits, I will expose her for the manipulative little witch that she is to everyone that she has ever met or even may meet in the future! I want her to know that I mean business!!!

I know that recovery is a long road but I want to be sure that he is in this as much as I am since up until this point he hasn't been AT ALL!!

Any more advice??

Hi Hun,

nice to see you again!

I understand about wanting to confront her....in my book, yeah maybe you should but........... NOT with WH, if he wants to recover he does it your way.

The way the vets say. NC letter that he writes and you approve.

For me if you choose to take a friend and confront her, tell her the way it is....then do. Tape it though.

I never did cos I knew that would make her ring, he'd go all KISA and it would put things back, but thats cos I know my H, and as she was my friend, I knew what she would do and that wasn't worth it.

She's scared of me........has been for years.....knows I would tell everyone she f*****d my H in a public toilet.

Thats not a good look for a yummy mummy

Game playing......Art of War on Indie's thread

Yeah, in terms of war strategy there's nothing you can say to her that will be as hurtful as your h dumping her by letter.

If you seem mad, you are giving your fear of her away. Making her see you are threatened. It makes her feel she has won.

Is she going to feel as motivated to chase him after the A-bomb letter? Meanwhile you havent even confronted her, gosh you arent even slightly WORRIED. Do you know what that knowledge will do to the average insecure skank?

Thats what makes the NC letter so cool. God I hope I get to do it.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, by him, while you laugh your socks off in the kitchen.

She wants you mad, or at least expects it. She took your H!

Dont give her ammo to play victim to you h either, you are not a bully, you are the caring, loving, superior UNTOUCHABLE wife.

You are so right! He has sent her the NC letter twice though and it hasn't worked. I was woken up with reality last night when he said that "He doesn't want to make any promises that he can't keep" when I told him NC or I'm out.

He can't do it! I am fighting a losing battle and he is going to be with her n our casino Friday night watching his favorite band. I am done! Plan B in full effect starting August 8th when I move out!

I am so hurt and devastaed right now. I don't understand how the man that meant everything to me could continue to hurt me so deeply!

I am moving out in 2 weeks and he is moving back to our house. He has once again started NC with her but he still says that he doesn't want our marriage. I am trying to give him space, which I think right now is his greatest need.

How do I go about "holding on" to hope when he keeps telling me that he doesn't want me? Help!

What am I missing? Why are you moving out?

What will happen to the children?

"Space" is only a "need" when someone wants to carry on an affair. There is no such thing as a need for "space" in marriage, because "space" is destructive to marriages.

I would go into Plan B ASAP. But why are you moving out? And who will have the kids?

H and I share the kids 50/50. Currently, I am in the home and he is in an apt. We are switching, at my request, in 2 weeks.

"Space" is the only thing that he seems to be wanting. I guess Plan B is my only choice. It's the only chance I have left, I think.

Can somebody help me with how to accomplish a solid Plan B?

I would not advise that YOU leave the home. He should be the one to move out. And who cares what he wants? What is important right now is what is best for you and your children. He can get "space" to carry on his affair when you shut the door in a dark Plan B and change the locks.

How come you are leaving the home? And is there a court order in place mandating 50/50? Is that in your childrens best interest to be with your wayward husband so much?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Do you understand how to do Plan B?

do not leave your home

leaving the home does not end the affair

leaving the home will only hurt you when you have to go to plan d

Yes, I read SAA and HNHN. We both have very different needs and H tells me that we are incompatible due to that.

We are already seperated, so I have no real right to ask anything of him. H has repeatedly told me that he does not want to work on our marriage. Has anyone else here had that situation and still been able to save their marriage?

As for the moving out decision, that is my choice to not be in our home. It was always sort of his house anyway and I want to be able to remove myself from any triggers that are in the house. She was my BF, so she and her kids spent lots of time at our house.

I guess what I am wondering is do I go to Plan B?

Thanks in advance!

Absolutely! Just use the letter in Surviving an Affair. Here is a thread that can give you an overview of Plan B. How to Plan B