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Originally Posted by raindancer74
We live in the same neighborhood and our youngest kids are best friends. OM is a POS and would absolutely do anything and everything to make our lives miserable, including involving the kids. I really am trying to protect them. I thought that the daycare thing would be the perfect way to keep them from getting hurt, but H is dead-set against it.


OK so I was thinking about your stitch and why your WH refuses to tell the OMW and to change daycare's....and all this POJA stuff...your husband is a WS the only thing he cares about is him right now there is no such thing as "POJAing" with a wayward.

I feel in my heart that you really do need to say and do something for your husband to listen and the only way for you to do that is to go into plan B. I don't know what everyone else will suggest but this is what I would do if I was you..

1.) I would first contact the OMW telling her everything and apologize.
2.) change day cares so my kids can make new friends ending this once and for all.
3.) exposing to everyone what your husband has done
4.) write a plan B letter and tell him to leave
5.) find an IM to help with you during your plan B

I understand that POJA is important but I also think respecting each other is also important, your husband is a wayward and he is not respecting you at all, he does not care that your feelings are hurt, or nor does he care about the OMW. His attitude right now is very destructive, and if you don't do anything then lady it will get worse.

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I totally agree and so does he. That is why he has decided to go to therapy. I know what you are saying and I am fully ready to do just that. I just need to give him a little bit of time once he starts therapy to see if anything changes. I owe him that!


FWW/BW Me (37)
FWH/BH Him (37)
M 10/99
DD 8
DD 5
My D-Day #1 10/09 (our anniversary)
My D-Day #2 7/10
His D-Day #1 7/10
His D-Day #2 8/10
His D-day #3 1/11
He Moved out 4/11
His D-day #4 6/11
I filed 6/11
All the same OW (ex-BF)

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"

Raindancers Story
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I disagree with sapph. I think you need to fix your A first by plan A your husband, establish NC forever with the OM (including seeing each other walking in the neighborhood, and children), and exposure.

Start using baby steps because a wayward will never support you. Once you have taken care of these things then you have to continue plan A and attack the WH affair. After that is exhausted then plan B.

This is heavy stuff you have to weigh in and find the best course of action.

I really don't want the kids hurt, it is when you use them as pawns to do your dirty work is when they are messed up.

Last edited by Wheels_spinning; 01/13/11 03:17 PM.
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Exactly, Wheels! That is what I am planning on doing. But, I am going to do it without sacrificing anymore of my children's happiness!


FWW/BW Me (37)
FWH/BH Him (37)
M 10/99
DD 8
DD 5
My D-Day #1 10/09 (our anniversary)
My D-Day #2 7/10
His D-Day #1 7/10
His D-Day #2 8/10
His D-day #3 1/11
He Moved out 4/11
His D-day #4 6/11
I filed 6/11
All the same OW (ex-BF)

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"

Raindancers Story
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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
I disagree with sapph. I think you need to fix your A first by plan A your husband, establish NC forever with the OM (including seeing each other walking in the neighborhood, and children), and exposure.

Start using baby steps because a wayward will never support you. Once you have taken care of these things then you have to continue plan A and attack the WH affair. After that is exhausted then plan B.

This is heavy stuff you have to weigh in and find the best course of action.

I really don't want the kids hurt, it is when you use them as pawns to do your dirty work is when they are messed up.


I knew I married you for a reason!! laugh

I thought you have been doing plan A?? if you haven't even started then ignore my post laugh

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Put up a "for sale" sign on the house.

If you stay in that neighborhood...you and your husband will eventually divorce. No doubt about it.

So instead of waiting it out and "trying" for the next 1, 2, 4, 6 miserable years with each of you having some contact with all these "other men/women" whereupon the house will need to be sold, equity divided and the kids hopes and dreams crush THEN....

just TRY to sell and get a decent price (or if you are upside down...go the short-sale/foreclosure route). MAYBE just MAYBE you'll find another "dream home" far away from this mess...

Where...

you'll actually have a chance at the "DREAM".


Your children are ALREADY devastated and hurt by the actions of BOTH their parents....they just don't know it yet. Staying in that neighborhood and keeping secrets is one sure way to insure that they will know it...eventually.

Tick...tick...tick goes the marriage.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I agree...with everything else you need to fix, your marriage will not survive unless you move.

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Then I guess I am really stuck, cause there is no way that he will go along with selling the house!

I see no hope in this situation and it kills me! I would give anything for a Delorean!


FWW/BW Me (37)
FWH/BH Him (37)
M 10/99
DD 8
DD 5
My D-Day #1 10/09 (our anniversary)
My D-Day #2 7/10
His D-Day #1 7/10
His D-Day #2 8/10
His D-day #3 1/11
He Moved out 4/11
His D-day #4 6/11
I filed 6/11
All the same OW (ex-BF)

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"

Raindancers Story
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''You can always choose your actions but you can never choose your consequences''

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Originally Posted by raindancer74
I am prepared for the 2 x 4's. I know I must sound stubborn and that I don't want to do what it takes, but trust me when I tell you that if I tell the kids everything and OMW, it will only make H angrier and drive him further away. I know my H .. that will not help anyone!!

Thanks again for everyone chiming in!


I know you are trying to keep the peace. I know you think you are being kind and mature and understanding and longsuffering. I know you think that will protect everybody, and that is love is it not?

Tawandas post is really a good analogy. Those deep infections really have to undergo some rather painful and messy cleaning procedures. We recovered our marriage and I had hope that just her stopping her drinking was enough, and maybe in time she would go to AA or counseling. She did everything but get that counseling, buried the deeper issues down where she looked good, but they still had some effect on us, and eventually she relapsed and now shes gone.

Hes gotta hate what he did and hate what got him there, and that might mean hate part of himself. Sorry same for you. Some of the stuff is so painful, but i can see what your doing and am warning you, take the advice and open this infection to the cleaning power of the truth and let the light burn off the infection. Thats the best anology I can drum up for ya.

Good luck and God Bless


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
..I'd go about it slightly differently. No disrespect. Just an alternative option.

I'd begin:

"My adultery was like a cancer inside me.
Eating me up from the inside out.
My adultery was and still is a poison for my soul.
I know I have gotten rid of 90% of the cancer, but there is 10% that I cannot seem to get rid of.
In order for me to completely rid myself of this cancerous and shameful secret, I have decided to inform OMW of the affair.

Once this is done, I will be cancer-free and can truly become the best person I am capable of becoming."
..

Pep, it made my eyes misty, awesome post.

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Originally Posted by raindancer74
Isn't there a way to agree to disagree at this point? Can I not move forward with the other steps? I am not saying that this can't be re-explored at a different time, but for now can we focus on other aspects of this mess??
As a MB board, we can not help you by advocating dishonesty. MB, theory is built on truth, and honset consequences, we will not (I hope) help you decieve this OMW.
....well, at least on this point- I will not help you deceive her.

It simply does not jive with the rest of the program.

For exaple, if you agree to "snow" the OMW due to "avoiding consequences" -even for the "sake" of the kids", how then, can you trust your spouse not to "snow" you in the future about other things - to avoid the very same consequences?


Yes, "involving" the kids is harmful - MB does not believe in involving children, but age appropriate truth telling.

Spider webs of family secrets can hurt kids just as badly.

All contact with this family is going to FOREVER be a trigger for your BS and you.

Last edited by barbiecat; 01/14/11 08:00 AM. Reason: i before e, except after c.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I forget. What are the consequences for your children that you are so afraid of?

That they will lose friends?
They may have to move to another daycare?

It will be worse if they lose their family.
And they have to move to two apartments.

I am not trying to be mean, here.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted by barbiecat
Originally Posted by raindancer74
Isn't there a way to agree to disagree at this point? Can I not move forward with the other steps? I am not saying that this can't be re-explored at a different time, but for now can we focus on other aspects of this mess??
As a MB board, we can not help you by advocating dishonesty. MB, theory is built on truth, and honset consequences, we will not (I hope) help you decieve this OMW.
....well, at least on this point- I will not help you deceive her.

It simply does not jive with the rest of the program.

For exaple, if you agree to "snow" the OMW due to "avoiding consequences" -even for the "sake" of the kids", how then, can you trust your spouse not to "snow" you in the future about other things - to avoid the very same consequences?


Yes, "involving" the kids is harmful - MB does not believe in involving children, but age appropriate truth telling.

Spider webs of family secrets can hurt kids just as badly.

All contact with this family is going to FOREVER be a trigger for your BS and you.

BC is right again, and I agree with her 100%

I have been in the same situation as you find yourself, and was going to post a long story trying to show you from my experience how covering up and wishful thinking will not help the health of your marrige, and is so painfully unessesary.

I hope you listen to the wisdom of what these posters are telling you about exposing all this crap. You have more to fear from dishonesty and deception than the truth. The truth is the foundation where you can rebuild yourself and your marriage, and in that order BTW.

We are human and capable of all forms of despicable things and excuses for them. Bringing them to light and changing them is the only way to peace.

As Mr Wondering said, there is a reset button, make sure you push it all the way in.



Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted by ConstantProcess
We are human and capable of all forms of despicable things and excuses for them. Bringing them to light and changing them is the only way to peace.


Great words I must add! hurray

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Wow! It's been a really long time ...

OK, Update. I told OMW about everything and apologized to her. I also informed her that H and I were separating and that there will be no threat from me to her marriage as I respect her family.

H moved out in April and continues to have a EA/PA with my "friend". I have filed for D but still plan on fighting, if possible, during the process.

What are the chances that if we are separated and perhaps start "dating" each other that we could fix this?

I am open to any and all suggestions!

Thanks!



FWW/BW Me (37)
FWH/BH Him (37)
M 10/99
DD 8
DD 5
My D-Day #1 10/09 (our anniversary)
My D-Day #2 7/10
His D-Day #1 7/10
His D-Day #2 8/10
His D-day #3 1/11
He Moved out 4/11
His D-day #4 6/11
I filed 6/11
All the same OW (ex-BF)

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"

Raindancers Story
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Hi,

Have you exposed your WH's affair?


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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Hi!

Unfortunately, there is nobody left to expose it to. We are separated and he is "free" to date now. Plus, she is going through a divorce and her family is happy for her that she's moving on.

I am not sure if "dating" my husband is a good idea or not, but I figured if we could start to spend time together where we don't discuss the last 2 years, maybe we could get some of the old magic back.

We have both been in IC and have dealt with alot of the issues that caused the deterioration of our marriage. I don't want to give up on rebuilding a stronger, healthier marriage. Is it even possible though since he is having his needs met elsewhere?

Thanks in advance!


FWW/BW Me (37)
FWH/BH Him (37)
M 10/99
DD 8
DD 5
My D-Day #1 10/09 (our anniversary)
My D-Day #2 7/10
His D-Day #1 7/10
His D-Day #2 8/10
His D-day #3 1/11
He Moved out 4/11
His D-day #4 6/11
I filed 6/11
All the same OW (ex-BF)

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"

Raindancers Story
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^^ for Raindancer


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Raindancer, if you click on your name (or anybody's name; names are links) you will get "view posts" from a drop-down menu. Here you will see everything they ever posted. You can narrow that list down to "topics created". Under that, you are likely to find a thread about a poster's own story.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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