found out a month ago, having a hard time (long) - 01/30/11 10:26 PM
So my FWH had an affair that lasted about a month about 4 years ago with a co-worker. But I just found out about it last month (5 days before Christmas actually). Back then I had a sense that something was going on. When he first started working with the OW he would come home sometimes and complain about what a B*tch she was. Then he started talking about her as if they were friends. This immediatly made me uneasy but I was too afraid to really say anything (i didn't want to start a fight). Then one day in Feb. we had a fight and he never seemed to get over it. Usually we have a fight and we make up that same day but this time it was diiferent he just seemed to stay angry with me and became distant. I knew something wasn't right but didn't know what. I was so depressed. Soon after I started having thoughts that he is having an affair, I just know it. But again I was too afraid to ask. He was already seemed upset with me and I didn't want to make it worse. The strain between us lasted a few months (we had many nights were we talked and I cried trying to figure out what was wrong) and then slowly it seemed to get better. So I pushed the thoughts of the affair out of my head and moved on. A couple years later something triggered a memory of that time (i feel like that yaer left an emotional scar in me) and I decided to ask him if he ever cheated on me. He said no he never did. I asked him one other time a few months later and again he said no. Then we were sitting together at the computer on like Dec. 18th I think and he opened his deleted emails box and I saw an email from HER. The email was just a stupid forward about Christmas recipes but seeing her name brought back those old feelings. I told my husband I don't like her. He said you don't even know here. I said yeah but I don't like her, you too were too close. My husband then hugs me and says you're the only one that I want. That set off even more alarms in my head, I thought why did he say that? Maybe I was right maybe he did have an affair with her. A couple days later I became upset again and he asked me what was wrong. I said remember when you worked at your old job? Why were you going in to work so early? (one morning I woke up at 4 am and he was alraedy gone) He said I was working I was trying to make more hours. I asked were you alone?? And he had the most ashamed look on his face and said "does it really matter"? I said you had an affair! You had an affair! He said yes. I said it was with (OW's name) wasn't it? He said yes it was. He said it only lasted about a month and then he felt so guilty that he ended it.
Originally (a month ago) he said that it started one morning at work. He was there to open up and she ended up there that morning too. He said she had been flirting with him for about a month before this and that morning she was flirting with him and then came up and kissed him. They kissed for about a minute or 2 and then they both went back to work. But then later she invited him to come over to her house before work. He said he just laughed it off the first time but then she asked again and he said yes. So I'm thinking for the last month that this women is an evil horrible woman! She had heard about the fight my husband and I had had (he was telling a male co-worker and she overheard) and her husband had joined the navy and was shipped out. So after hearing about our fight she decided to seduce my husband because she was lonely and it worked! That B**th! Then yesterday I was reading all of these articles about getting over affairs and about rebuilding your marriage. I raed this one about being completely honest and explaining to the WS why answers to the BS spouses questions are so important to their recovery. So I had my husband read this and then I asked my husband to tell me everything that he remembered about the affair from start to finish. I had been getting a lot of I don't remembers and I don't knows from him. So I thought ok well just tell me everything you do remember then. So at laest I can know everything that you know and we can be on equal footing here. Then he says well I gotta be honest. I didn't kiss her for the first time at work. I said then were did you kiss her. He said he had seen this park by his work before and he invited her to go the park with him at lunch and they sat on this park bench and talked for a while and then she leaned in and kissed him. I said so you iniated the affair then! He said you think so? I said yes what did you think was going to happen by inviting her to the park alone?!? He said she had invited him to go eat out a couple of times for lunch before that but he said no. I said why did you say no? He said he didn't want anyone to see them. So I said so you wanted to be alone with her but you didn't want anyone to see so you thought up the park. He said yeah. I said did you guys just kiss or make out? He said they made out. I said for how long? he said for about 10-15 min. I said and then after that she invited her to her house? He said no they went to the park for lunch about 4 times before she invited him to her house. I asked if they went to the park still once they satrted sleeping together? He said no we stopped once we started sleeping together. I said so you guys didn't go anywhere else togther then once you started sleeping together? Then he says well yeah we would meet at the park sometimes after work for 5 or 10 minutes before we went home.
With all of this new information I feel like I am just finding out again. It's like I have started from square one again. I feel so lost and upset. And to make things worse I have no one to talk to about it other than my husband. I have no other friends besides him. And I don't want to tell any of our family. They are all huge gossips and I don't want to be the source of their gossip. And I don't want anyone to hate my husband either because I don't hate him, I HATE what he did but I don't hate him. I have 2 old friends from school that I email with and I tried confiding in them hoping they would talk this through with me but they both wrote back once or twice and then stopped answering my emails. I feel so alone.
Originally (a month ago) he said that it started one morning at work. He was there to open up and she ended up there that morning too. He said she had been flirting with him for about a month before this and that morning she was flirting with him and then came up and kissed him. They kissed for about a minute or 2 and then they both went back to work. But then later she invited him to come over to her house before work. He said he just laughed it off the first time but then she asked again and he said yes. So I'm thinking for the last month that this women is an evil horrible woman! She had heard about the fight my husband and I had had (he was telling a male co-worker and she overheard) and her husband had joined the navy and was shipped out. So after hearing about our fight she decided to seduce my husband because she was lonely and it worked! That B**th! Then yesterday I was reading all of these articles about getting over affairs and about rebuilding your marriage. I raed this one about being completely honest and explaining to the WS why answers to the BS spouses questions are so important to their recovery. So I had my husband read this and then I asked my husband to tell me everything that he remembered about the affair from start to finish. I had been getting a lot of I don't remembers and I don't knows from him. So I thought ok well just tell me everything you do remember then. So at laest I can know everything that you know and we can be on equal footing here. Then he says well I gotta be honest. I didn't kiss her for the first time at work. I said then were did you kiss her. He said he had seen this park by his work before and he invited her to go the park with him at lunch and they sat on this park bench and talked for a while and then she leaned in and kissed him. I said so you iniated the affair then! He said you think so? I said yes what did you think was going to happen by inviting her to the park alone?!? He said she had invited him to go eat out a couple of times for lunch before that but he said no. I said why did you say no? He said he didn't want anyone to see them. So I said so you wanted to be alone with her but you didn't want anyone to see so you thought up the park. He said yeah. I said did you guys just kiss or make out? He said they made out. I said for how long? he said for about 10-15 min. I said and then after that she invited her to her house? He said no they went to the park for lunch about 4 times before she invited him to her house. I asked if they went to the park still once they satrted sleeping together? He said no we stopped once we started sleeping together. I said so you guys didn't go anywhere else togther then once you started sleeping together? Then he says well yeah we would meet at the park sometimes after work for 5 or 10 minutes before we went home.
With all of this new information I feel like I am just finding out again. It's like I have started from square one again. I feel so lost and upset. And to make things worse I have no one to talk to about it other than my husband. I have no other friends besides him. And I don't want to tell any of our family. They are all huge gossips and I don't want to be the source of their gossip. And I don't want anyone to hate my husband either because I don't hate him, I HATE what he did but I don't hate him. I have 2 old friends from school that I email with and I tried confiding in them hoping they would talk this through with me but they both wrote back once or twice and then stopped answering my emails. I feel so alone.