So my FWH had an affair that lasted about a month about 4 years ago with a co-worker. But I just found out about it last month (5 days before Christmas actually). Back then I had a sense that something was going on. When he first started working with the OW he would come home sometimes and complain about what a B*tch she was. Then he started talking about her as if they were friends. This immediatly made me uneasy but I was too afraid to really say anything (i didn't want to start a fight). Then one day in Feb. we had a fight and he never seemed to get over it. Usually we have a fight and we make up that same day but this time it was diiferent he just seemed to stay angry with me and became distant. I knew something wasn't right but didn't know what. I was so depressed. Soon after I started having thoughts that he is having an affair, I just know it. But again I was too afraid to ask. He was already seemed upset with me and I didn't want to make it worse. The strain between us lasted a few months (we had many nights were we talked and I cried trying to figure out what was wrong) and then slowly it seemed to get better. So I pushed the thoughts of the affair out of my head and moved on. A couple years later something triggered a memory of that time (i feel like that yaer left an emotional scar in me) and I decided to ask him if he ever cheated on me. He said no he never did. I asked him one other time a few months later and again he said no. Then we were sitting together at the computer on like Dec. 18th I think and he opened his deleted emails box and I saw an email from HER. The email was just a stupid forward about Christmas recipes but seeing her name brought back those old feelings. I told my husband I don't like her. He said you don't even know here. I said yeah but I don't like her, you too were too close. My husband then hugs me and says you're the only one that I want. That set off even more alarms in my head, I thought why did he say that? Maybe I was right maybe he did have an affair with her. A couple days later I became upset again and he asked me what was wrong. I said remember when you worked at your old job? Why were you going in to work so early? (one morning I woke up at 4 am and he was alraedy gone) He said I was working I was trying to make more hours. I asked were you alone?? And he had the most ashamed look on his face and said "does it really matter"? I said you had an affair! You had an affair! He said yes. I said it was with (OW's name) wasn't it? He said yes it was. He said it only lasted about a month and then he felt so guilty that he ended it.
Originally (a month ago) he said that it started one morning at work. He was there to open up and she ended up there that morning too. He said she had been flirting with him for about a month before this and that morning she was flirting with him and then came up and kissed him. They kissed for about a minute or 2 and then they both went back to work. But then later she invited him to come over to her house before work. He said he just laughed it off the first time but then she asked again and he said yes. So I'm thinking for the last month that this women is an evil horrible woman! She had heard about the fight my husband and I had had (he was telling a male co-worker and she overheard) and her husband had joined the navy and was shipped out. So after hearing about our fight she decided to seduce my husband because she was lonely and it worked! That B**th! Then yesterday I was reading all of these articles about getting over affairs and about rebuilding your marriage. I raed this one about being completely honest and explaining to the WS why answers to the BS spouses questions are so important to their recovery. So I had my husband read this and then I asked my husband to tell me everything that he remembered about the affair from start to finish. I had been getting a lot of I don't remembers and I don't knows from him. So I thought ok well just tell me everything you do remember then. So at laest I can know everything that you know and we can be on equal footing here. Then he says well I gotta be honest. I didn't kiss her for the first time at work. I said then were did you kiss her. He said he had seen this park by his work before and he invited her to go the park with him at lunch and they sat on this park bench and talked for a while and then she leaned in and kissed him. I said so you iniated the affair then! He said you think so? I said yes what did you think was going to happen by inviting her to the park alone?!? He said she had invited him to go eat out a couple of times for lunch before that but he said no. I said why did you say no? He said he didn't want anyone to see them. So I said so you wanted to be alone with her but you didn't want anyone to see so you thought up the park. He said yeah. I said did you guys just kiss or make out? He said they made out. I said for how long? he said for about 10-15 min. I said and then after that she invited her to her house? He said no they went to the park for lunch about 4 times before she invited him to her house. I asked if they went to the park still once they satrted sleeping together? He said no we stopped once we started sleeping together. I said so you guys didn't go anywhere else togther then once you started sleeping together? Then he says well yeah we would meet at the park sometimes after work for 5 or 10 minutes before we went home.
With all of this new information I feel like I am just finding out again. It's like I have started from square one again. I feel so lost and upset. And to make things worse I have no one to talk to about it other than my husband. I have no other friends besides him. And I don't want to tell any of our family. They are all huge gossips and I don't want to be the source of their gossip. And I don't want anyone to hate my husband either because I don't hate him, I HATE what he did but I don't hate him. I have 2 old friends from school that I email with and I tried confiding in them hoping they would talk this through with me but they both wrote back once or twice and then stopped answering my emails. I feel so alone.

feelingalone99, welcome to the forum. You are indeed blessed to be here at this time because there's a lot of people who have been the WS as well as the BS that they can speak to what you're going through.I can relate to everything you've said in your post so you are not alone. I find that people don't want to talk about the affair with you because it somehow feels like a plague that will somehow rub off on them(i suppose). Stop talking to anyone else about it and bring it here. Be very picky about the people you talk to and make sure they are ones who can speak life into you. I do know that exposure is encouraged in order to end an affair.

Is your WH through with the OW or are they still together?

Feelingalone, I'm sorry for your need to be here, but glad you have found the best place to save your marriage.

since the OW sent an email to your H, your H needs to send her a NC (no contact) letter. The one in Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving An Affair" is a good one to use. The letter should be very short, with no pleasantries toward the OW.

"OW,

Out of love and respect for my wife, I am ending all contact with you and expect you to end all contact with me, as well. This means no more emails, chats, telephone calls, and personal contact.

WH"

Then, you need to expose to this woman's BH. It doesn't matter that it's been 4 years. He still needs to know that his wife cheated on him.


If you have any doubt at all that your WH is telling you the truth, you should have him take a lie detector test....one that YOU set up.

Does your WH still work with this woman? If so, he will need to find another job.

feeling, welcome, sorry you've had to find your way here, but this is the best place you can be.

Questions:
How long married?
Any kids?
Have you told anyone else about this A? OW's H needs to know, for your safety.
Do they still work together?

We need this info to help you.
You've come to the right place.

Please break your future posts up into separated paragraphs - one long paragraph like that is hard to read.

We will be married 10 years this Thursday.

We have 3 kids

The affair only lasted 1 month 4 years ago and then my husband ended it. I just didn't find out until last month.

Once the affair ended my husband and the OW stopped talking to each other. A few months later the place they worked at closed down and they haven't seen each other or had any contact since.

He just never changed his email address so he would get stupid forwards from her every once in a while. No personal emails trying to actually talk to him, these emails were sent out to everyone in her email address book.
He has now closed that email account and gotten a new one that he has given me to the password too.

I don't know the OW husband or how to contact him so I wouldn't know how to tell him.

Thanks for your support.

I am personally of the belief that everything possible should be done to tell the other BS about the affair. Try looking on zabasearch.com for her name. At the bottom of the page, it will then say something like, "Having trouble finding (name you searched)? Click here." or something similar. That will take you to an intellius listing of people with her name and people in the households.

feeling, you need to let her H know about this A. For two reasons:
1. He needs to know about the truth of his wife's loyalty,
and
2. You need to have a set of eyes on her so she does not try to connect with your WH again.

www.intelius.com may help you.

What you have been handed is a portion of the dreaded "trickle truth" or TT. WS's like your fwh do not understand that every time a new detail, or event, is revealed, the BS is mentally reverted to the emotional state of "I've been betrayed." The betryal is not the events and actions of the infidelity, but the lack of complete honesty since the initial disclosure.

Sit down with your FWH. Hand him a marker, a desk calendar, a large sheet of paper, (a roll of freezer paper works well) and give him one week to lay out a timeline of the events in question. Start with the day he and OW met. He can put in "developmental" items - "started talking", "first lunch in a group setting" - as they come to him. Of course the big ones - first kiss, first grope - leading up to the really hurtful activities, are going to show a development path. You're also going to want side notes -"OW and I bumped into XXXX coming back to work; he might suspect". Tell him this is his final chance for any kind of "pardon". It's now or never, and the more details he can remember will act in his favor.

When he's done read it, and ask any question (might want to stay away from all the dirty details, but that's a matter of your own psyche). Lay over the timeline things that were going on in your life - vacations, parties, weddings - because eventually you'll connect some things about his behavior then with his OW-distraction that you now know about, and you might as well get them out of the way now.

Thanks guys but I have n interest in contacting the OW's husband. That is there business and their life. I was really looking for more support on how to deal with my emotions. I know how my husband was acting during the affair.
He was completely different do to the guilt it caused him. He has never acted that way before and he has never acted that way since. So I know he ended it when he said and I know he has not had contact with this women since. And I truly believe he is remorsful and understands the pain he has caused me and doesn't ever want to cause me that pain again. The reason I believe this is because my husband is not a man that cries. I have been with this man for 10 plus years and the only times he has ever cried are when his dog he had since he was a teenager died and when his dad died. Just those 2 times, that's it. But in the last month since he has told me about the affair and we have been talking this over and he has been telling me what happened he has cried several times, I mean really broke down and cried too not just a few tears. I know he is ashamed of what he did and don't believe it will ever happen again.
We weren't communicating well back then and when we faught we usually didn't work through the fights we both just got silent and then would let it go. But he really wasn't letting it go he was letting the bad feelings build up and build up. After our last fight before the A he got the idea in his head that I didn't love or care for him anymore this OW just happened to start flirting with him around this same time unfortunatly and I believe he was in a vulnerable state at the time. I am in no way excusing his behavior there is never a reason to have an A. I just know what his mind set was at the time. Pretty quickly after it started he realized that he really didn't like the OW at all it was just the attention he was getting from her that he liked but he didn't like it enough to let come between me and him anymore so he ended it.
The reason he lied about were the first kiss happened was because he didn't want me to know that he basically initiated the first kiss. But the night he told me about the reall first kiss he came out and told me everything that he remembered he doesn't want there to be anymore secrets between us and we have sworn to be completely honest with each other from here on out.
I really just wanted to know how you guys deall with those "bad days" were everything just seems to remind you of the A and you just can't stop thinking about it.

The passage of time will help you a lot. In the beginning, time was my enemy, because I wanted to fast-forward through the pain and put all of it behind me. Obviously that doesn't work.

Eventually time became my friend. Every day the A gets smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror.

The thing is, there was a lot of work involved in healing, while the A was receding. It's good work, though, and will serve you throughout the rest of your marriage.

Marriage Builders really helped me with that. Get the books. They're a huge eye-opener. I don't know how many times the simplest concept would give me a 'duh' moment, as in "Why did I never think of that?"

If you're trying to make sense of the A, stop. There IS no sense. A's are senseless. They're destructive. They're so terribly unnecessary. Yet they happen all the time, sadly. When I tried to make sense of my H's A, I eventually got to the point where I would just say "Well, that's the most stupid thing he ever did, and he will never again do anything even remotely as stupid."

Of course we can't make you do anything. If you are reluctant to contact OW's husband, so be it. Consider doing so, though,if you are concerned that there is ANY possibility of contact between your WH and the OW. Also consider that her husband has the right to full knowledge of his spouse's dangerous activities, just as YOU had that right.