"But you should acknowledge an important reason that he had the affair: You were not meeting at least one of his most important emotional needs."
I have a question.
Is it not possible that some people cheat just for the sport of it?

Sure it is.
Usually that's a lifestyle choice.
Usually it's not that difficult to spot.

EZ,

Are you actually married? I am confused by some of your previous posts.

Could it be that your significant other has a "renter" approach to your relationship?

AM

And, sometimes, it is something else.

Sex addiction (see David Duchovny)
Bi-polar mania (see Charlie Sheen)

But, it's usually a lifestyle choice (see Tiger Woods)

And, sometimes, it is part and parcel to another addiction (see drugs or alcohol or gambling or porn)

What's your flavor?

Bring us up to speed, ez. What's been going on the last few years?

First off, let me apologize.
I am NOT legally married, I am commonlaw, 11 years now. I tend to forget that to some it makes a huge difference, to me, I am married. To me I am married and I take my relationship as serious as if we were legally married, there aren't any (to my knowledge) support groups so when my relationship ran into trouble I turned to this site for help. A piece of paper makes me no different. I still have the same trials and tribulations as any married couple.
Sometimes I ranted, so full of confusion and hurt, my posts probably didn't make much sense, I am not always going to make sense because not much of the affair makes sense to me. I am searching for answers, for support, mostly to be honest it would be nice to be able to let what I have had to hold in for so long to people who have gone through, are going through the same thing.
To bring u up to speed, we are finally in counseling TOGETHER! I found out he broke the no contact deal, yes, again. Counseling has been interesting to say the least, frustrating, painful and yes, I am still totally to blame for what he did

In HIS eyes, I am still to blame.

So?

Sorry this is pieces, bad timing.
There aren't any support groups to my knowledge for commonlaw couples, that's why I turned here.

EZ,

So if you have read here before, you are probably aware of the concepts of "freeloaders", "renters", and "buyers". Could it be that you have been living with a freeloader for all these years?

AM

Have you considered that your H does not feel married?

Armymama,
I am familiar with the 10 Basic concepts but not those to which you refer. Call me naive but I myself prefer to see people in a good light.

I have considered that yes.

That is a denial of reality, though. I think you might get further in life if you viewed your husband in a realistic light and then made decisions according according to REALITY instead of wishful thinking. You will only spin your wheels if you chose to deny reality.

I just went back and refreshed my memory with your old posts. You are not even married, are you? Therefore, your boyfriend is a free agent.

I'm not sure what basic concepts you're referring to, ez, but I think armymama was referring to Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. He is the owner of this site and has been saving marriages for almost 40 years.

Check it out here.

"So if you have read here before, you are probably aware of the concepts of "freeloaders", "renters", and "buyers". Could it be that you have been living with a freeloader for all these years?"

AM

I have a copy of Dr.Harley's Basic concepts, I must be blind but I don't see the section that speaks of "freeloaders, renters or buyers"
Obviously my marital status or lack there of it is more of an issue here than the real issue, trying to heal from an affair.

You are not married so your boyfriend is not having an "affair." He is a free agent.

AM is referring to the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. here

"Obviously my marital status or lack there of it is more of an issue here than the real issue, trying to heal from an affair."


I now remember why I stopped coming here.
Thanks for the heads up on the books,

OK ez2bme, you've just remembered why you stopped coming here? Wasn't it your BH who came here first? Did you come on here while your BH was here previously?

I understand in your heart you may feel married. I'm sure that the advice you got back then at one point recommended you get married (an assumption on my part) right?

It's clear that back when your BH posted, and whenever you posted previously you and/or your BH didn't follow the principles for recovery.

Now you're back, looking for advice and again you you want to bail on the advice.

How's that workin for ya so far?

Following these principles will bring back the love in your relationship if you choose to follow the advice. If you and your BH do choose to follow and you fall in love again, get married will ya already!

Or you can choose not....blessings.

Lookin4serenity,
I think you may have me mixed up with someone else.
I did not betray my husband, he betrayed me.
To my knowledge he has not posted here on this site nor does he have a membership here, if he does, if he has posted, that is news to me.
I do remember why I left and it was not because I didn't like the advice, I didn't like the bitterness.

Either you are here to learn about how MB can help your common law relationship, or you are not.
Which is it?

ez, I went back and read your threads and can't see an ounce of bitterness in any of them. Could you point those out, please?

You came here in February of 2009 asking about affairs and talking about your significant other. You lasted a week, didn't like what you were hearing and left.

You came back mid-November of last year for one day. You presented your story and claimed to have been married for two years. When a poster questioned that, you left the same day.

Now you're back with similar questions but are admitting that you are not married. When you get the same info you got two years ago, you claim persecution by embittered posters.

How do you think it will help your situation if you play loose with critical facts and then claim that the responding posters are 'bitter'?

Indeed.

Here is a quote I really like:

"If you try to gloss over the truth or massage the facts all you're doing is heightening your chances of arriving at an erroneous conclusion."

Sorry ez. I must of been reading your thread and thinkin of someone elses. In anycase, folks here really aren't bitter. They can be assertive with their advice but that does not make them bitter. Hope all works out for you.

Where did you see this quote? Is it Marriage Builders advice? Does it have any context?

Not a direct quote, but Surviving An Affair talks about this on page 32 and following.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

"ez, I went back and read your threads and can't see an ounce of bitterness in any of them. Could you point those out, please?

You came here in February of 2009 asking about affairs and talking about your significant other. You lasted a week, didn't like what you were hearing and left." -Aren't you being a tad bit presumptious here? How do YOU KNOW I didn't like what I was hearing? It is these kind of statements that I refer to and consider to be Bitter. I have a life outside this site, have had some major health issues not only with myself but my elderly mother, I've had a granchild born, my life does not revolve around this site.

You came back mid-November of last year for one day. You presented your story and claimed to have been married for two years. When a poster questioned that, you left the same day. I stated from the beginning I was COMMONLAW, check my posts.

Now you're back with similar questions but are admitting that you are not married. When you get the same info you got two years ago, you claim persecution by embittered posters.
The purpose of this site is to gain knowledge, strength and encouragement, while it is preferred that people be married, it is not a criteria for becoming a member. "The ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement."


How do you think it will help your situation if you play loose with critical facts and then claim that the responding posters are 'bitter'?
I have never been loose with critical facts.

It may not be EZ, but you call him your "husband" and legally he is not.

Sadly, if he hasn't proposed marriage in 11 years, you have a long term renter on your hands, or somebody who in laymans' terms, ain't gonna get hitched.

As my great aunt used to say, "A leopard has spots, a tiger has stripes. Two different animals that are similar, but definitely not the same animal."

That's how it is with your "hubby", he's looking like one, he acts kinda like one, but seriously he is NOT a husband.

People respond to your posts b/c he seems as if he is a husband if you are presenting him here as "my husband" as you did in a few posts above.

Fwiw, if it were me, I'd have a sit down with the long term bf, and say "You know what, I love you, have had a considerable future with you, but would like us to commit to each other for life as real husband and wife. If you want fidelity, love, a real and solid future, I have a way to plan this. Begin a program for me and let's do this together, with no others."

If this man agrees to that, then I'd say you have a shot. But right now, he is seeing some responsibilities (maybe a house, assets, kids,) but is not FEELING the whole committment because he never really did. You are turning a leopard into a tiger right now.


Find out if he's willing to 1)be faithful and work together with you and 2)if he is able to trade in his spots for stripes and actually BECOME A HUSBAND.

If you have kids, they'd thank me for saying this to you. They deserve parents. Two loving married adults.

Oh. So when you said

you were actually remembering that you stopped coming here because of health problems with yourself, your elderly mother and would welcome a grandchild. Uh-huh. Got it.


You came back mid-November of last year for one day. You presented your story and claimed to have been married for two years. When a poster questioned that, you left the same day.

In November you said


You neglected to throw in the 'common law' part. That's disengenuous at best. Now you're back with similar questions but are admitting that you are not married. When you get the same info you got two years ago, you claim persecution by embittered posters. ez, where do you get the idea that any of us are invested in you enough to be bitter toward you? We've got lives, too.

You said:And you're right. No one said you have to be married to be a member here. We get plenty of posters who are here to learn for when they DO marry. But the quote is actually this:



Two years ago you were advised in a similar fashion to how you are being advised now. What did you think would be different? This is still MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

"That you can find meaning in the storm. At times everyone goes through trials and tribulations. Seek out someone else in a similar situation and give them an encouragement or just a hug. Find meaning in the midst of your struggles by helping another in similar straits"...

Below is a quote from my "Notable Posts" thread. JustKim spoke with Steve Harley about this very topic.



Understanding the "why".
This should answer your original question for starting this thread.

You're welcome.

You did not begin this thread asking for a hug/encouragement.
You began this thread by asking a question.
Your question has been addressed.

You're welcome.

And this right here is your problem, not the forum members.

Dang, Pep's sharp as a razor, ain't she?

She isn't one much for giving Tylenol to relieve diarrhea.

Thanks kids.

You're welcome, by the way.

There is a lesson here for us MB'ers.

When a dissatisfied newbie with a documented distain for MB returns to MB with a question, be careful. It is often a ruse.

I will not get a "Thank You" for answering her question.
Because the original question was not her purpose.
Nor was the longing for hugs/compassion from complete strangers that she ALREADY dislikes a legitimate reason to return to the hated MB forum.

You're welcome, by the way.

I figure, another poster, a lurker, one who really HAS a desire to learn about MB will read the response and hopefully gain/learn in absentia.

Good advice is not wasted.
It is just passed on to a different set of ears.

You're welcome, by the way.

I sure could use some Tylenol for this diarrhea.
Maybe some acedaminophen instead?

Waiting for "sunrisesunset" to chime in.

Here you go, Pep. Keep the bottle.

Well it may not be from the original poster but from a newbie/lurker that reads your advice I say THANK YOU very much!!!!!