"But you should acknowledge an important reason that he had the affair: You were not meeting at least one of his most important emotional needs."
I have a question.
Is it not possible that some people cheat just for the sport of it?

Sure it is.
Usually that's a lifestyle choice.
Usually it's not that difficult to spot.

EZ,

Are you actually married? I am confused by some of your previous posts.

Could it be that your significant other has a "renter" approach to your relationship?

AM

And, sometimes, it is something else.

Sex addiction (see David Duchovny)
Bi-polar mania (see Charlie Sheen)

But, it's usually a lifestyle choice (see Tiger Woods)

And, sometimes, it is part and parcel to another addiction (see drugs or alcohol or gambling or porn)

What's your flavor?

Bring us up to speed, ez. What's been going on the last few years?

First off, let me apologize.
I am NOT legally married, I am commonlaw, 11 years now. I tend to forget that to some it makes a huge difference, to me, I am married. To me I am married and I take my relationship as serious as if we were legally married, there aren't any (to my knowledge) support groups so when my relationship ran into trouble I turned to this site for help. A piece of paper makes me no different. I still have the same trials and tribulations as any married couple.
Sometimes I ranted, so full of confusion and hurt, my posts probably didn't make much sense, I am not always going to make sense because not much of the affair makes sense to me. I am searching for answers, for support, mostly to be honest it would be nice to be able to let what I have had to hold in for so long to people who have gone through, are going through the same thing.
To bring u up to speed, we are finally in counseling TOGETHER! I found out he broke the no contact deal, yes, again. Counseling has been interesting to say the least, frustrating, painful and yes, I am still totally to blame for what he did

In HIS eyes, I am still to blame.

So?

Sorry this is pieces, bad timing.
There aren't any support groups to my knowledge for commonlaw couples, that's why I turned here.

EZ,

So if you have read here before, you are probably aware of the concepts of "freeloaders", "renters", and "buyers". Could it be that you have been living with a freeloader for all these years?

AM

Have you considered that your H does not feel married?

Armymama,
I am familiar with the 10 Basic concepts but not those to which you refer. Call me naive but I myself prefer to see people in a good light.

I have considered that yes.

That is a denial of reality, though. I think you might get further in life if you viewed your husband in a realistic light and then made decisions according according to REALITY instead of wishful thinking. You will only spin your wheels if you chose to deny reality.

I just went back and refreshed my memory with your old posts. You are not even married, are you? Therefore, your boyfriend is a free agent.

I'm not sure what basic concepts you're referring to, ez, but I think armymama was referring to Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. He is the owner of this site and has been saving marriages for almost 40 years.

Check it out here.

"So if you have read here before, you are probably aware of the concepts of "freeloaders", "renters", and "buyers". Could it be that you have been living with a freeloader for all these years?"

AM

I have a copy of Dr.Harley's Basic concepts, I must be blind but I don't see the section that speaks of "freeloaders, renters or buyers"
Obviously my marital status or lack there of it is more of an issue here than the real issue, trying to heal from an affair.

You are not married so your boyfriend is not having an "affair." He is a free agent.

AM is referring to the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. here

"Obviously my marital status or lack there of it is more of an issue here than the real issue, trying to heal from an affair."


I now remember why I stopped coming here.
Thanks for the heads up on the books,

OK ez2bme, you've just remembered why you stopped coming here? Wasn't it your BH who came here first? Did you come on here while your BH was here previously?

I understand in your heart you may feel married. I'm sure that the advice you got back then at one point recommended you get married (an assumption on my part) right?

It's clear that back when your BH posted, and whenever you posted previously you and/or your BH didn't follow the principles for recovery.

Now you're back, looking for advice and again you you want to bail on the advice.

How's that workin for ya so far?

Following these principles will bring back the love in your relationship if you choose to follow the advice. If you and your BH do choose to follow and you fall in love again, get married will ya already!

Or you can choose not....blessings.