I need HELP with the pain!! - 03/10/11 09:06 PM
Hello All,
I have found the articles from Dr. Haley very helpful about how to recover from an affair. I have to admit I didn't find these articles until after my husband and I reconciled. He was the WS.
The fact that we reconciled and are working on complete restoration is completely by the grace of God. I found ***edit*** and forgave my husband in the midst of his affair and showed him unconditional love the way God shows us in the midst of our sin. I had an amazing spiritual journey drawing closer to God after my husband chose to move out when I found out about who his affair was with (someone he met on the internet) and waited for God to heal our marriage.
He moved out a mile down the road and 10 weeks later he started making moves to come home and did two weeks later. Some people would say I was a doormat and I was but not for my husband but rather for God to work through me to bring my husband out of darkness and into the light of truth, that I, his covenant spouse was the one who could meet his every needs, not the counterfeit he was believing at the time was who he wanted to be with. Now we're 8 months into restoration and my husband tells me all the time "thank you for allowing me to come back home" he says he looks back to the time period he was gone and just shakes his head. He says he thinks back to his actions and it hurts his heart to see how he treated me and what our kids had to endure. He has a lot of guilt and shame over what he did to me and our children. It's sad to see. My husband was never the guy you'd think would step outside of his marriage but now I have learned we ALL are vulnerable to sin. He cut off all contact with the affair partner and there has been absolutely no contact.
We are truly having a beautiful time together. Our emotional and sexual intimacy has been amazing. We have been going out a lot together on date nights and laughing and sharing and reconnecting. We've had several trips with just the two of us and my husband has vowed to never let this happen again to us. We realize what we almost lost and our family and marriage is much more precious to us. We recognize where the marriage had its breakdown and how my husband became vulnerable to an affair after 15 years of marriage and monogamy. I do not take blame for the affair but I do recognize now where I failed to meet some of his emotional needs. My husband never expressed those needs weren't being met and that's another issue we're working on, him speaking up about his own needs - something he was never able to do as a child or young adult growing up in with his parents (manipulative and controlling mother) and therefore never learned that mechanism.
Here is where I struggle. I have days, even weeks of no pain, nothing and then BAM out of nowhere a memory will come up of something he said or did at the worst of it and it will spiral me into a bout of sadness and/or depression. Sometimes it can last a moment or so, other times hours or even a day or days. I try to mask it but I don't do a very good job at it, not to mention my husband has returned home with the uncanny ability to pick up on my emotions instantly even when I've said nothing to hint that I'm going through an emotional time.
I am also dealing with triggers. Things that pop up that remind me of his affair period.
I really would like to move past these emotional triggers and painful memories. It seems I read a lot about practical things to do to work past the affair but what about dealing with the emotional pain? How does one move past that? I have truly forgiven my husband. There is no anger, bitterness, resentment or feeling of revenge. I love him even more now than before and I just want to be healed of this pain. Sometimes I feel like we take 10 steps forward and then 3 steps back when I have these moments.
Any advice is appreciated. I really want to move past this.
I have found the articles from Dr. Haley very helpful about how to recover from an affair. I have to admit I didn't find these articles until after my husband and I reconciled. He was the WS.
The fact that we reconciled and are working on complete restoration is completely by the grace of God. I found ***edit*** and forgave my husband in the midst of his affair and showed him unconditional love the way God shows us in the midst of our sin. I had an amazing spiritual journey drawing closer to God after my husband chose to move out when I found out about who his affair was with (someone he met on the internet) and waited for God to heal our marriage.
He moved out a mile down the road and 10 weeks later he started making moves to come home and did two weeks later. Some people would say I was a doormat and I was but not for my husband but rather for God to work through me to bring my husband out of darkness and into the light of truth, that I, his covenant spouse was the one who could meet his every needs, not the counterfeit he was believing at the time was who he wanted to be with. Now we're 8 months into restoration and my husband tells me all the time "thank you for allowing me to come back home" he says he looks back to the time period he was gone and just shakes his head. He says he thinks back to his actions and it hurts his heart to see how he treated me and what our kids had to endure. He has a lot of guilt and shame over what he did to me and our children. It's sad to see. My husband was never the guy you'd think would step outside of his marriage but now I have learned we ALL are vulnerable to sin. He cut off all contact with the affair partner and there has been absolutely no contact.
We are truly having a beautiful time together. Our emotional and sexual intimacy has been amazing. We have been going out a lot together on date nights and laughing and sharing and reconnecting. We've had several trips with just the two of us and my husband has vowed to never let this happen again to us. We realize what we almost lost and our family and marriage is much more precious to us. We recognize where the marriage had its breakdown and how my husband became vulnerable to an affair after 15 years of marriage and monogamy. I do not take blame for the affair but I do recognize now where I failed to meet some of his emotional needs. My husband never expressed those needs weren't being met and that's another issue we're working on, him speaking up about his own needs - something he was never able to do as a child or young adult growing up in with his parents (manipulative and controlling mother) and therefore never learned that mechanism.
Here is where I struggle. I have days, even weeks of no pain, nothing and then BAM out of nowhere a memory will come up of something he said or did at the worst of it and it will spiral me into a bout of sadness and/or depression. Sometimes it can last a moment or so, other times hours or even a day or days. I try to mask it but I don't do a very good job at it, not to mention my husband has returned home with the uncanny ability to pick up on my emotions instantly even when I've said nothing to hint that I'm going through an emotional time.
I am also dealing with triggers. Things that pop up that remind me of his affair period.
I really would like to move past these emotional triggers and painful memories. It seems I read a lot about practical things to do to work past the affair but what about dealing with the emotional pain? How does one move past that? I have truly forgiven my husband. There is no anger, bitterness, resentment or feeling of revenge. I love him even more now than before and I just want to be healed of this pain. Sometimes I feel like we take 10 steps forward and then 3 steps back when I have these moments.
Any advice is appreciated. I really want to move past this.
