Hello All,

I have found the articles from Dr. Haley very helpful about how to recover from an affair. I have to admit I didn't find these articles until after my husband and I reconciled. He was the WS.

The fact that we reconciled and are working on complete restoration is completely by the grace of God. I found ***edit*** and forgave my husband in the midst of his affair and showed him unconditional love the way God shows us in the midst of our sin. I had an amazing spiritual journey drawing closer to God after my husband chose to move out when I found out about who his affair was with (someone he met on the internet) and waited for God to heal our marriage.

He moved out a mile down the road and 10 weeks later he started making moves to come home and did two weeks later. Some people would say I was a doormat and I was but not for my husband but rather for God to work through me to bring my husband out of darkness and into the light of truth, that I, his covenant spouse was the one who could meet his every needs, not the counterfeit he was believing at the time was who he wanted to be with. Now we're 8 months into restoration and my husband tells me all the time "thank you for allowing me to come back home" he says he looks back to the time period he was gone and just shakes his head. He says he thinks back to his actions and it hurts his heart to see how he treated me and what our kids had to endure. He has a lot of guilt and shame over what he did to me and our children. It's sad to see. My husband was never the guy you'd think would step outside of his marriage but now I have learned we ALL are vulnerable to sin. He cut off all contact with the affair partner and there has been absolutely no contact.

We are truly having a beautiful time together. Our emotional and sexual intimacy has been amazing. We have been going out a lot together on date nights and laughing and sharing and reconnecting. We've had several trips with just the two of us and my husband has vowed to never let this happen again to us. We realize what we almost lost and our family and marriage is much more precious to us. We recognize where the marriage had its breakdown and how my husband became vulnerable to an affair after 15 years of marriage and monogamy. I do not take blame for the affair but I do recognize now where I failed to meet some of his emotional needs. My husband never expressed those needs weren't being met and that's another issue we're working on, him speaking up about his own needs - something he was never able to do as a child or young adult growing up in with his parents (manipulative and controlling mother) and therefore never learned that mechanism.

Here is where I struggle. I have days, even weeks of no pain, nothing and then BAM out of nowhere a memory will come up of something he said or did at the worst of it and it will spiral me into a bout of sadness and/or depression. Sometimes it can last a moment or so, other times hours or even a day or days. I try to mask it but I don't do a very good job at it, not to mention my husband has returned home with the uncanny ability to pick up on my emotions instantly even when I've said nothing to hint that I'm going through an emotional time.

I am also dealing with triggers. Things that pop up that remind me of his affair period.

I really would like to move past these emotional triggers and painful memories. It seems I read a lot about practical things to do to work past the affair but what about dealing with the emotional pain? How does one move past that? I have truly forgiven my husband. There is no anger, bitterness, resentment or feeling of revenge. I love him even more now than before and I just want to be healed of this pain. Sometimes I feel like we take 10 steps forward and then 3 steps back when I have these moments.

Any advice is appreciated. I really want to move past this.

Welcome to MB, FG.

I am sorry to hear of what you have been through and I am not surprised to hear about the triggers. An affair which went as far as your H moving out would be hard to make a personal recovery from, even if the marital recovery is going well. However, triggers are normal. If there is no resumption of the affair and if there continues to be NC, they will fade with time.

You said that your H moved one mile away. Did he and OW ever meet in person before he moved out? Did they live together after he moved out? Is she married, with kids? Did you tell her H about the affair?

How are you able to sure about NC? What access does your H have to the internet now? Does he restrict his use, given the way he met OW? On what kind of site did he meet her?

Bummer, so that's it? Just time? I know there's no magic potion but i was hoping there was more I could do

Thanks for replying. I'll keep praying

You replied without answering any questions!

You're going to keep praying. That sounds to me like you're waiting for someone else to do the heavy lifting. YOU have to do that, you understand that, right? Read Sugar's post again.

Heavy lifting? To get over the pain? I realize that yes I need to do that. Just not sure how. I keep reading about how to recover from the triggers but haven't found out how. I find great strength and comfort in praying. God has helped me when I'm weary for sure. Just want to make sure I covered all the bases.

Sugarcane no disrespect but I didn't answr your questions because honestly the answers are moot. I just needed help and guidance with the triggers and painful memories that pop up from time to time. I don't FEEL the pain like I used to but I do remember it well.

followingGod, here's a saying that's helped me a lot:


Welcome to the shovel.

Maybe I haven't expressed myself clearly. I'm very interested in carrying the shovel AND using it. In fact I have been. I was just hoping
To hear from others who have been there what else I can to
Do help. Perhaps it's time for me to use a counselor.

Excuse any typos - on my iPhone.

followingGod,

This is the very thing we all struggle with, I'm not sure if there is an answer other than to know that we chose to go through this and work on a better marriage, we are following God's wishes to never give up and to find forgiveness.....
You are well on your way.......I think all you can do is get the support you need from your husband, tell him when you hurt, have him hold you and support you through this. I know it helps when I feel this way when my husband stays close and reassures me.........
When it starts stop yourself, don't let yourself go there, don't let an ugly time in your life take your life now....don't give it the power......
(hugs and god bless you)

I'm going through the same thing. When triggers pop up and I'm alone, I immediately picture my beautiful wife and how our relationship has completely changed for the better and we are out doing something we love together. Basically, I substitute good thoughts for when the bad thoughts come into view. Only with time will sting of the triggers and memories lose their strength.

FG, Sugar asked these questions because a big part of healing and dealing with triggers is actually REMOVING the triggers from your life.

Honestly, some triggers might be too big to overcome--i.e. your husband still works with his affair partner if the A happened at work, or the affair partner lives right next door and you constantly have to walk by the house, etc. etc.

Healing comes with time, as well as with FULL confidence that your WS is doing everything he can to ensure no A will happen again. Nagging fear and doubts that are rooted in real risks will certainly trigger you. You can't get over the pain while you're still afraid. At least, that's what I gather from Harley's articles on Recovery and Resementment.

I need to listen to my own advice more, hmmm...

Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes, my husband is doing everything in his power and might to make me feel secure and confident. The OP does not live anywhere near us thankfully and he severed all ties before moving back home.

My triggers are just from things I remember, things that were said, the way I felt at certain times and memories of things that are linked to the affair for me. Some don't bring pain when I see these reminders, I'm left with more of a jolt when they do but others are still big painful reminders. Like the place where the OP lives. Just hearing the name of that place makes me cringe and feel pain again. Not to mention the place she lives is a place that is near and dear to my heart. Ive always wanted to visit there and i had an extememe love of this place. I mourn the loss of the love i felt for this place as well.

Ironically the street my husband lived on doesn't and I pass by there at least a
few times a week. Go figure.

I will keep praying myself through the triggers and remember with time things will keep improving as well as us working on the healing together and separately. I really am amazed at how far we are into the restoration process and despite the now and then painful reminders all the joy and beautiful reconnection we're having. I like the suggestion to stop the thoughts and instead focus on the NOW. That reminds me of the scripture God gave me when I was crying out for help with my pain one day:Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. �See, I am�doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I �am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." �Isaiah 43:18-19

Thank you all!!!