I am the one who has been unfaithful to my husband..I have been married this month 26 years..I have woken up and I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I want our marriage to work and I know that he has every right to be furious with me..My question is..Is the anyone out there that has survived this? I need hope! He is speaking to me and I have begun to be the woman that he deserves..Is there HOPE?

I am a FWW who confessed my A in 2006, and DH and I are recovered. We are not perfect, but the A is a non-issue. In fact, he doesn't even like the term FWW...He likes DW because it is over and healed.

I would recommend reading everything you can on the site and ordering Surviving an Affair. Also, if you have not told your H the whole truth, it is time to do so.

I won't lie to you, it's a long process, and as the WS, you are responsible for the lion's share of the care and the work.

But I see my M now as a picture of what real, authentic redemption looks like.

Of course there is hope! Many of us have excellent marriages today because we used the concepts here. But it doesn't happen by accident.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there.

Have you told your H the full truth about the affair? Have you ended ALL contact with the OM? Is the OM married and if so, has his wife been informed?

Will your husband come here?

Yes! There is hope! Especially since you have found Marriage Builders!

You have a good chance of recovering your marriage if you listen to the veterans on this discussion board, read as much Marriage Builders materials as you can, and follow the narrow path of the Marriage Builders recovery program. If you don't like to read, then I suggest that you at least watch the infidelity video on this website:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

The video is a good place to start because it will provide you with the basics of the recovery program.

I forgot about the videos. Yes. Knowledge is power. And no contact is vital.

You know how they say the truth hurts? You may get some very blunt comments and advice here...but the sting is very mild compared to the choice made to cheat and its effects our the BS. Look for the truth in every post, and remember that an understanding of the pain adultery causes is essential in developing empathy and really seeing the reality of it.

And she may not. It depends on her and how honest she is. Those that are foggy, whether WS or BS, are probably going to recieve some 2x4's and that rarely has anything to do with any supposed "pain" of the 2x4 wielder. [oddly, we don't see this concern about BS's but that is a subject for another day] More than an understanding of the "pain of adultery," most posters here have experience saving marriages that equips them to help others.

I didn't mean it as a slam. I just know that even things that are hard to hear can be helpful....but if a person gets very defensive it's hard to hear it. I've been guilty of that.

Welcome to MB Yes, there is definitely hope!

Some more questions to add to the ones asked above...

Who is OM and how did the two of you maintain contact? Phone? Email? Work? All of the above?

We can help you with the next steps based on your responses so please be sure to answer all of the questions.

I've been where you are, drh.

Yes, it is possible for you to have a better marriage than what you had before the affair. Wayward spouses can change their ways, and betrayed spouses can forgive. Mine has.

However, there are no guarantees. And there are no shortcuts. And there are plenty of ways to get stuck or go back off-track. Your husband, who thought you were worth his ring, has been grievously wounded by the hand of the one person in the world upon whom he'd most counted to "have his back."

You say you need hope. I'm here to tell you, you need more than hope. Hope alone won't cut it. You also need a plan.

You need to look deeply inside yourself... to find out what things you thought were missing in your marriage (lack of which helped make your marriage vulnerable) and to find out what it is that caused you to feel it was somehow acceptable to seek them outside your marriage, rather than to communicate better with your husband to fix things within your marriage.

You need to be honest with your husband regarding all of the timelines & facts of the affair, and you need to be honest with yourself about the selfishness of your motivations.

You need to retrace all of your steps to see each time you made a selfish choice that further endangered your marriage. If you are honest with yourself and if you have truly awakened, chances are, you will see so many that you'll be even more ashamed & disgusted.

At the same time, you need to put the main focus off yourself and onto tending to your husband's emotional wounds, and meeting his emotional needs. One of those needs will certainly be for honesty.

You'll need to have ended the affair the proper way, in order to guard against the possibility of its resumption. You will need to take concrete steps and change habits, to live transparently, in order to help your husband feel secure that this won't happen again. You will need to accept that your credibity has been ground into dust by your own conduct, and that from this point forward, what you do for your husband will matter much more than what you say to him.

I have seen some cheaters who come on here and profess how they want to make it better & fix their marriages; but when confronted with some specific questions about their past conduct, and about what specific steps that have taken or are taking to end the affair & help their spouses feel safe, they become indignant that anyone could question their professions of commitment to recovering their marriages. And all the while, they resist taking the actions that need to be taken to recover a marriage from an affair -- as if a cheater's (liar's) word should be good enough not only for us strangers on an internet forum, but for the betrayed spouse.

Actions will give value to your words, over much time. And with them, it's possible for you to have a marriage better than you have had before (which needs to be your goal, since your marriage prior to the affair obviously wasn't good enough to be affair-proof). However, words without actions will get you nowhere, except maybe divorce-court.

So, 2 things for you, drh:

1) Do as you've been advised by Tawandabelle & get the book "Surviving An Affair." It's a book that my wife & I will tell you may well have saved our marriage -- and we don't get a penny for saying so.
2) Please answer the specific questions that MelodyLane and SusieQ have posed to you. This will help those of us who've been in your (or your husband's) shoes to gauge your situation & what you may need to do next in order to give yourself the best chance to save your marriage.

There is hope.

It comes with very hard work.

You will have to learn the very basic concepts of how marriages work.

You and your husband will have to know that it will be about two years, on average, before things start being "normal"

at least as normal as they can be


and that timeframe is with lots of work on the relationship.



My big piece of advice?

read here
read about affairs in Harley's books
listen to the advice here, both what you like and what you do not


everyone has something to teach you, even when you get mad at what they say - often, that is the exact person you need to listen to most of all (because the truth about you can make you very angry)

never tell your husband you wish he would just get over it

or

just move on




answer all questions openly and honestly, no matter how stupid or ashamed you feel about the answers - and do NOT allow the truth to trickle out (this is the kiss of death for many betrayed spouses)

consider how you say what you say BEFORE you say it


finally


work to understand how you allowed yourself to have an affair - and do this without blaming your husband

because only YOU made this choice - he would have voted NO!!!



Schoolbus

Hi Drh,

Welcome to the forums. I am a newbie myself. A betrayed spouse. My wife had 2 affairs, one in 2001, and another in 2007/08. Yes, there is hope. MB has solid principles that can restore your marriage. I am a 3 year survivor.

It will be long hard painful work. Are you ready for that?

Where does your husband stand in all this? is he on the list?

CV

Yes he knows about everything..he was single and all contact has been ended quite some time ago..Both my husband and I will have to see him again because he is a teacher at my childs school..My husband will not come here yet..maybe later..
He says he would never get back with me but yet he does things with me as long as one of our children is with us..

I am ready to do whatever it takes..I know that it will take a very long time but I am willing to do the work..and I have been. I do not understand what is the list?

I need to hear the bluntness as well as the positive..I need to be reminded that my needs are to be put second...I welcome any and all advice

The other man is a teacher at a local school..we kept in contact by text and phone..

Hi again DRh,

Sorry for that.. The list is the forum here. So the OM is a teacher at the school. Have you told your husband you want to move your child to another school so there is less chance of contact? Even if there's been no contact, you will want to do this. Your husband will be reminded every time he goes to a school function of what happened. Have you filled out the emotional needs form here on the site? Ask your husband if he's willing to fill one out too and give it back to you. If he is, this will help you in beginning to move towards recovery. Read the love busters section too. Find out how to overwhelm him with love.

I'm confused as to how long ago you revealed your affair. Was it recently?

CV

What needs are you speaking about? I think your needs should be communicated clearly to you H - how could he fullfill these otherwise? Or are you separated?

Your kid has to change the school and the best option is to move. There will be no recovery without that.

I cannot do that to my son so that would be out of the question. My husband is not ready for this forum..He says he wants a divorce. but he is sending mixed signals..We were going somewhere and I found a reciept for a place that he wouldnt go alone..He has someone that he is talking to and she is married as well..I want to let her husband know but that probaly isnt the right thing to do..?
I am having a hard time putting his needs first when it comes to certian things...I am walking the talk and doing what I can to change things but the selfish ways come back with a vengance..When I found the reciept he came in and reassured me he was not with anothr woman..So mixed signals are being sent?

The need to hear from this forum as blunt as it may be...I want to touch him and he cringes at my touch..

So you expect to be able to recover your marriage while remaining in contact with your ex-lover?

You don't understand how this works, drh.

You will never be able to assuage your husband's fears & misgivings while there is regular, ongoing contact with OM -- even if it is just incidental contact. That is simply the nature of the wound of infidelity. You can no more do this than you can suture up a stab wound while leaving the knife blade in place in the victim's body.

No wonder your husband cringes at the thought of touching you; you are demonstrably unwilling to put in place so-called "Extraordinary Precautions" (look up this term on this site) needed to kill an affair & prevent new affairs. They are called "extraordinary" for a reason. They are not necessarily convenient.

Your son needs foremost for his parents to have a good marriage. Your & his father's breaking up will undo any advantage he stands to accrue from not having to change schools. Do you believe otherwise?

Who knows more about recovering a marriage after being unfaithful, drh -- you or I?

What I've told you isn't "blunt" per se -- it's simply the truth. You can't ask for more, and I won't give you less. If you want to save your marriage, you need to demonstrate via extraordinary precautions that you are serious. You need to demonstrate this to your husband, or the "cringe" won't ever go away while he's around you.

My husaband would never allow him to go to another school..I have no desire to remain in contact with the OM..This isnt a situation that I can control..

It is the right thing to do. But be prepared to present evidence.

And you will tell your BH that you will never allow yourself to go anywhere the OM is. So BH will have to go to the school on his even if he has to take off work.

And if your BH is being inappropriate with another woman that woman's husband must be told.

You are risking your marriage and your child's family by taking your son to that school and continuing to see your affair partner. Your H should take your son out of that school. You should NEVER see the OM again. NEVER. This is affairs start up again.

Your marriage cannot ever recover until you end ALL contact with the OM.


I would find out if he is having an affair before you accuse or call anyone up. But you first have the issue of your continued contact with the OM at your son's school. That is not right to jeopardize your son's family in that way.

No contact (NC) with the other man (OM) is the first step in the Marriage Builders recovery program. If you cannot commit to NC, then you and your betrayed husband (BH) cannot even begin to recover your marriage. There are no alternatives to NC. It is vital to recovery.

If it is absolutely impossible for you to move your son to a different school, then tell your BH that you will no longer be able to go to the school (EVER! No school concerts, PTO meetings, teachers conferences...nothing!) because you cannot risk any contact with the OM. Your BH may actually appreciate this gesture because contact between you and OM is likely very painful for your BH.

Oh, yes you can.
You already did hurt your son.

The "selfless mother" card cannot be played here.

You made the decision to screw up your son's education when you began your adultery at your son's place of learning.

You've been married 26 years. Your age must be early to mid 40's.
How old is this son of yours?

DRH,

You haven't check out of here, have you? I know the info is hard. Interact with it and do what's being asked... It works.

CV

How old is your son?
Find out if your H is having an affair, be it EA or PA, collect evidence and then expose.
Do not go anywhere OM is, including the school. You've been recommended to switch your son to a different school by several people here that know what they're talking about...it's important you and your husband sit down and discuss this because you cannot come in contact with OM and it would be a trigger for your husband to and you don't want to miss your son's important events, awards ceremonies, graduation, etc. Do not make light of this recommendation, the people here know and understand the reasons behind the principles here.
You have a lot of proving to do...your husband may or may not want to reconcile but you need to work on you and being the person you need to be, whether you reconcile or not. You can today become the person of integrity that he thought he married. It will take time and demonstration for him to see that and he may choose not to see it or care.
Come back here on a regular basis and interact with the seasoned vets that are here to help you.

DRH,

You need to expose OM to the school authorities, hopefully get him fired.

Persons in positions of TRUST and Authority are even more accountable than others.

By engaging a parent of a student OM is in a sense endangering the welfare of a child by helping to destroy the students family. You need to inform other parents and the administration.

God Bless
Gamma

Can you save this marriage?...NOPE!!!! The marriage that you once had with your husband is gone. Even if you reconcile, it will never be the same, it will always be different. Some say that they recovered from something like this and they are stronger than ever. But, those stories don't happen too often.

Both parties must be dedicated to making recovery work. Right now, it sounds like your husband isn't into recovering too much. You have to understand that you hurt him to the core. You stabbed him through the heart and you left a wound sooo deep he feels like he's slowly dying inside and there's nothing he can do to make it feel better. His self esteem is shot, his ego is crushed. He's on a roller coaster of emotions and he doesn't know how to get off. He is angry and sad. Then he's fine, then indifferent. Then the cycle starts all over again.

You might be getting mixed signals from him because you are all he ever knew and he doesn't know how to let go yet. The point is, you have to give him time. Time to heal, and even then there's no promises he will want to continue the marriage. Not what you wanted to hear, my words may hurt a little but it NOTHING like what you put your husband through with your actions. Think about that.

My question is why? And with all people, your kids teacher?

You ate the dessert, now you have to swallow your medicine and start down the path of recovery. You need to sit down with the school administrator and discuss how your son's teacher had an inappropriate relationship with you. If he is not fired, or willing to quit, you must switch schools, or never set foot on school grounds again, as long as the OM is there.

You have to take step number one if you want any chance of recovering your M.

Having been married to an educator for 42 years I am fully aware of all the pitfalls that particular dynamic brings.

You definitely will have to disassociate with that school completely or the OM will have to disassociate for your family to begin to heal.

Good Luck

I agree, the school should know, his family should know.

drh,

How old is your son? How long did the affair last? How long has your H known of the affair? How did he find out?

He is thinking of divorce because he does not know of anyway better to handle this. You have essentially told him you want the other man, not him. You have told him you don't love him or respect him. You have told him that he failed as a husband.

Given what you have told him by having your affair, can you think of why he would want to hang around? You would not, I would not, and he would not...however, there is one problem he cannot turn of the love he had/has for you, so you get mixed messages.

Now a prudent woman would read the articles about honesty, the policy of joint agreement, meeting needs, love busters, and realize that she has a very wounded human being on her side. She would also realize that she cannot heal him, but she can put salve on the wounds. She cannot tell him what to do, but she can tell him what and who she would like to do in the future, along with reasons for thinking in this manner.

You can save this marriage, because the window is still open. It will take TIME AND PATIENCE, T&P, to do this. The time scale is measure in years. Not all of it will be bad, but it will take time on that scale.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

God Bless,

JL