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I am the one who has been unfaithful to my husband..I have been married this month 26 years..I have woken up and I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I want our marriage to work and I know that he has every right to be furious with me..My question is..Is the anyone out there that has survived this? I need hope! He is speaking to me and I have begun to be the woman that he deserves..Is there HOPE?
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I am a FWW who confessed my A in 2006, and DH and I are recovered. We are not perfect, but the A is a non-issue. In fact, he doesn't even like the term FWW...He likes DW because it is over and healed.
I would recommend reading everything you can on the site and ordering Surviving an Affair. Also, if you have not told your H the whole truth, it is time to do so.
I won't lie to you, it's a long process, and as the WS, you are responsible for the lion's share of the care and the work.
But I see my M now as a picture of what real, authentic redemption looks like.
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I am the one who has been unfaithful to my husband..I have been married this month 26 years..I have woken up and I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I want our marriage to work and I know that he has every right to be furious with me..My question is..Is the anyone out there that has survived this? I need hope! He is speaking to me and I have begun to be the woman that he deserves..Is there HOPE? Of course there is hope! Many of us have excellent marriages today because we used the concepts here. But it doesn't happen by accident. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Have you told your H the full truth about the affair? Have you ended ALL contact with the OM? Is the OM married and if so, has his wife been informed? Will your husband come here?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes! There is hope! Especially since you have found Marriage Builders! You have a good chance of recovering your marriage if you listen to the veterans on this discussion board, read as much Marriage Builders materials as you can, and follow the narrow path of the Marriage Builders recovery program. If you don't like to read, then I suggest that you at least watch the infidelity video on this website: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.htmlThe video is a good place to start because it will provide you with the basics of the recovery program.
Last edited by hurtagainbydavid; 05/01/11 02:42 PM.
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I forgot about the videos. Yes. Knowledge is power. And no contact is vital.
You know how they say the truth hurts? You may get some very blunt comments and advice here...but the sting is very mild compared to the choice made to cheat and its effects our the BS. Look for the truth in every post, and remember that an understanding of the pain adultery causes is essential in developing empathy and really seeing the reality of it.
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You know how they say the truth hurts? You may get some very blunt comments and advice here... And she may not. It depends on her and how honest she is. Those that are foggy, whether WS or BS, are probably going to recieve some 2x4's and that rarely has anything to do with any supposed "pain" of the 2x4 wielder. [oddly, we don't see this concern about BS's but that is a subject for another day] More than an understanding of the "pain of adultery," most posters here have experience saving marriages that equips them to help others.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didn't mean it as a slam. I just know that even things that are hard to hear can be helpful....but if a person gets very defensive it's hard to hear it. I've been guilty of that.
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Welcome to MB  Yes, there is definitely hope! Some more questions to add to the ones asked above... Who is OM and how did the two of you maintain contact? Phone? Email? Work? All of the above? We can help you with the next steps based on your responses so please be sure to answer all of the questions.
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I've been where you are, drh.
Yes, it is possible for you to have a better marriage than what you had before the affair. Wayward spouses can change their ways, and betrayed spouses can forgive. Mine has.
However, there are no guarantees. And there are no shortcuts. And there are plenty of ways to get stuck or go back off-track. Your husband, who thought you were worth his ring, has been grievously wounded by the hand of the one person in the world upon whom he'd most counted to "have his back."
You say you need hope. I'm here to tell you, you need more than hope. Hope alone won't cut it. You also need a plan.
You need to look deeply inside yourself... to find out what things you thought were missing in your marriage (lack of which helped make your marriage vulnerable) and to find out what it is that caused you to feel it was somehow acceptable to seek them outside your marriage, rather than to communicate better with your husband to fix things within your marriage.
You need to be honest with your husband regarding all of the timelines & facts of the affair, and you need to be honest with yourself about the selfishness of your motivations.
You need to retrace all of your steps to see each time you made a selfish choice that further endangered your marriage. If you are honest with yourself and if you have truly awakened, chances are, you will see so many that you'll be even more ashamed & disgusted.
At the same time, you need to put the main focus off yourself and onto tending to your husband's emotional wounds, and meeting his emotional needs. One of those needs will certainly be for honesty.
You'll need to have ended the affair the proper way, in order to guard against the possibility of its resumption. You will need to take concrete steps and change habits, to live transparently, in order to help your husband feel secure that this won't happen again. You will need to accept that your credibity has been ground into dust by your own conduct, and that from this point forward, what you do for your husband will matter much more than what you say to him.
I have seen some cheaters who come on here and profess how they want to make it better & fix their marriages; but when confronted with some specific questions about their past conduct, and about what specific steps that have taken or are taking to end the affair & help their spouses feel safe, they become indignant that anyone could question their professions of commitment to recovering their marriages. And all the while, they resist taking the actions that need to be taken to recover a marriage from an affair -- as if a cheater's (liar's) word should be good enough not only for us strangers on an internet forum, but for the betrayed spouse.
Actions will give value to your words, over much time. And with them, it's possible for you to have a marriage better than you have had before (which needs to be your goal, since your marriage prior to the affair obviously wasn't good enough to be affair-proof). However, words without actions will get you nowhere, except maybe divorce-court.
So, 2 things for you, drh:
1) Do as you've been advised by Tawandabelle & get the book "Surviving An Affair." It's a book that my wife & I will tell you may well have saved our marriage -- and we don't get a penny for saying so.
2) Please answer the specific questions that MelodyLane and SusieQ have posed to you. This will help those of us who've been in your (or your husband's) shoes to gauge your situation & what you may need to do next in order to give yourself the best chance to save your marriage.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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There is hope.
It comes with very hard work.
You will have to learn the very basic concepts of how marriages work.
You and your husband will have to know that it will be about two years, on average, before things start being "normal"
at least as normal as they can be
and that timeframe is with lots of work on the relationship.
My big piece of advice?
read here
read about affairs in Harley's books
listen to the advice here, both what you like and what you do not
everyone has something to teach you, even when you get mad at what they say - often, that is the exact person you need to listen to most of all (because the truth about you can make you very angry)
never tell your husband you wish he would just get over it
or
just move on
answer all questions openly and honestly, no matter how stupid or ashamed you feel about the answers - and do NOT allow the truth to trickle out (this is the kiss of death for many betrayed spouses)
consider how you say what you say BEFORE you say it
finally
work to understand how you allowed yourself to have an affair - and do this without blaming your husband
because only YOU made this choice - he would have voted NO!!!
Schoolbus
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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I am the one who has been unfaithful to my husband..I have been married this month 26 years..I have woken up and I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I want our marriage to work and I know that he has every right to be furious with me..My question is..Is the anyone out there that has survived this? I need hope! He is speaking to me and I have begun to be the woman that he deserves..Is there HOPE? Hi Drh, Welcome to the forums. I am a newbie myself. A betrayed spouse. My wife had 2 affairs, one in 2001, and another in 2007/08. Yes, there is hope. MB has solid principles that can restore your marriage. I am a 3 year survivor. It will be long hard painful work. Are you ready for that? Where does your husband stand in all this? is he on the list? CV
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Yes he knows about everything..he was single and all contact has been ended quite some time ago..Both my husband and I will have to see him again because he is a teacher at my childs school..My husband will not come here yet..maybe later..
He says he would never get back with me but yet he does things with me as long as one of our children is with us..
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I am ready to do whatever it takes..I know that it will take a very long time but I am willing to do the work..and I have been. I do not understand what is the list?
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I need to hear the bluntness as well as the positive..I need to be reminded that my needs are to be put second...I welcome any and all advice
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The other man is a teacher at a local school..we kept in contact by text and phone..
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Hi again DRh,
Sorry for that.. The list is the forum here. So the OM is a teacher at the school. Have you told your husband you want to move your child to another school so there is less chance of contact? Even if there's been no contact, you will want to do this. Your husband will be reminded every time he goes to a school function of what happened. Have you filled out the emotional needs form here on the site? Ask your husband if he's willing to fill one out too and give it back to you. If he is, this will help you in beginning to move towards recovery. Read the love busters section too. Find out how to overwhelm him with love.
I'm confused as to how long ago you revealed your affair. Was it recently?
CV
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I need to hear the bluntness as well as the positive..I need to be reminded that my needs are to be put second...I welcome any and all advice What needs are you speaking about? I think your needs should be communicated clearly to you H - how could he fullfill these otherwise? Or are you separated? Your kid has to change the school and the best option is to move. There will be no recovery without that. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I cannot do that to my son so that would be out of the question. My husband is not ready for this forum..He says he wants a divorce. but he is sending mixed signals..We were going somewhere and I found a reciept for a place that he wouldnt go alone..He has someone that he is talking to and she is married as well..I want to let her husband know but that probaly isnt the right thing to do..?
I am having a hard time putting his needs first when it comes to certian things...I am walking the talk and doing what I can to change things but the selfish ways come back with a vengance..When I found the reciept he came in and reassured me he was not with anothr woman..So mixed signals are being sent?
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The need to hear from this forum as blunt as it may be...I want to touch him and he cringes at my touch..
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The need to hear from this forum as blunt as it may be...I want to touch him and he cringes at my touch..
You don't understand how this works, drh.
You will never be able to assuage your husband's fears & misgivings while there is regular, ongoing contact with OM -- even if it is just incidental contact. That is simply the nature of the wound of infidelity. You can no more do this than you can suture up a stab wound while leaving the knife blade in place in the victim's body.
No wonder your husband cringes at the thought of touching you; you are demonstrably unwilling to put in place so-called "Extraordinary Precautions" (look up this term on this site) needed to kill an affair & prevent new affairs. They are called "extraordinary" for a reason. They are not necessarily convenient.
Your son needs foremost for his parents to have a good marriage. Your & his father's breaking up will undo any advantage he stands to accrue from not having to change schools. Do you believe otherwise?
Who knows more about recovering a marriage after being unfaithful, drh -- you or I?
What I've told you isn't "blunt" per se -- it's simply the truth. You can't ask for more, and I won't give you less. If you want to save your marriage, you need to demonstrate via extraordinary precautions that you are serious. You need to demonstrate this to your husband, or the "cringe" won't ever go away while he's around you.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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