Recently found out my wife was having an affair with a younger co-worker. I had suspected something over the past couple months and even asked her on 3 occasions if she was having an affair. Of course she denied it. Finally I caught her on the phone in our living room while she thought I was sleeping saying to him, "Where is this relationship going, are we going to just remain friends?" She told me it was just an attraction and nothing happened between them and I was ready to forgive her and work on fixing our marriage. I couple days later I did some investigation into her phone records and found 1000's of text msgs and phone calls to and from each other at all hours of the night (non-work hours). I confronted her asking if she has been in contact with him outside work hours since I found out about the affair a couple days before. She denied it, I told her I knew she was lying and I wanted the truth. She at that point admitted that she had slept with him 2 times and I put on my shoes and left the house.

My first thought was to bail on my marriage as I had always said I would never stay with anyone that did that to me. But I as I started to calm down and process everything I wanted to at least consider the thought of saving our marriage.

This site has given me great insight and is going to help me prepare for my first confrontation with my wife in the next couple weeks. I'm still not ready to talk to her as I am completely heartbroken.

I thought my wife would do the right thing and quit her job. I know her friend asked her way she didn't quit and she to her that if I did in fact leave her that she would need her job to be able to support herself.

She not only works with this person but works closely with him, they sit like 10ft from each other and need to communicate constantly.

Her friend told me that she broke off the relationship but the fact remains that everyday she goes to work, she is with him.

My wife has had some unhappiness in jobs in the past few years and right before I found out about the affair she was telling me how much she loves her new job.

My question is if i do decide to make an effort to save my marriage how do i ask her to quit her job without her resenting me?

Reading articles on this site say its best to get her to quit and remove the lover from her life otherwise those feelings that she has for him will just linger and make the process of saving our marriage very difficult for both parties.

I want my wife to be happy but making her quit would seem to be the only way for me to feel sane and for her to show me that she wants to fix our marriage.

but at the same time will me making this sort of demand make her resent me?

Even if she says it's over and she is only dealing with him on a work/professional basis they sit together in meetings all day and chat via text and email so I have no way of knowing exactly what they relationship is like. Which is causing me to obsess about everything.

Non-negotiable for marital recovery after an affair: Wayward spouse commits to NO CONTACT (of any kind - in person, phone, email) with affair partner. Quitting a job is a small thing to do to save a marriage.

If your wife gets angry or resents your request that she quit her job, you can be certain she is placing the other man first and your marriage second. The affair is still on, at some level or another. Even if they are just chatting now, it is a short step to having sex again.

If you have not read Dr. Harley's articles on this site, take a look at them. Also, get the book "Surviving an Affair". It describes exactly why no contact for life is necessary.

AM

THANKS AM for the quick response. BUT!!!!!!!How do i ask her to do that without making it a demand/ultimatum. Dr. H says to not make any demands. So do I simply tell her how it hurts me and leave it up to her to make that decision on her own?

When i first found out about the affair (when i thought it was just an attraction) she said "DO YOU WANT ME TO QUIT MY JOB" I of course said yes but no cause i knew how much she loved her job.

Now knowing that there was indeed infidelity it changes everything.

And if she says "IF YOU WANT ME TO QUIT I WILL DO THAT" would tell me that she doesn't want to but will if it helps our marriage might mean she is doing it for the wrong reasons.

Would telling her that I leave that decision up to her if she feels that is the right thing to do will that then make it not a demand from me but rather a reasonable action.

It seems that she should make that decision on her own but I understand that if things do not work out between us she will have lost the one wonderful job that has made her happy in years. Maybe the reason she loves her new job has nothing to do with the job but the guy.

The advise from this site says to do the exact opposite of what i would typically do, I would be the TAKER and say all the wrong things

"When you have this discussion, there is the Taker in you (see the Giver & Taker in my Basic Concepts) that will tell you to express your resentment over how much she has hurt you. Your Taker may even encourage you to let her lover have this ungrateful woman, so that you can find someone who will love you the way you are. You will be tempted to lose your temper, to say disrespectful things, try to straighten her out, and give her ultimatums. "

I want to avoid being like this as hard as it might be and do not want to do anything that would maybe hurt my chances to win her back.

Her resentment won't be a problem if you are divorced. Your marriage can survive her resentment, it can't survive her continued contact with the OM. If you are serious about saving your marriage, she will have to leave that job. Recovery is impossible as long as she continues to see him every day.

If an alcoholic tells you he will only have "business drinks" do you think he will ever sober up and recover? Of course he won't. It is the same with your wife. Changing the name of her relationship does not erase the fact that she is triggered every day she sees him at work.

Your marriage won't make it this way. Sorry.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

If they've remained in constant contact, she hasn't even begun withdrawal. So she's still effectively in the affair from the emotional-needs standpoint at the very least. (No matter what she says to the contrary. If she insisted the sun was blue & not yellow, she'd still be wrong.)

I know what I'm talking about; I tried to break off an emotional affair while remaining in contact with my affair partner. Long story short, it didn't work; it doesn't work.

Of course she'll resent it at first when you insist that this affair truly end in a way that gives you at least a chance to feel safe & protected against the possibility of its resumption. The current situation gives you no such chance.

So what if she resents it? Two things could happen then: Either (1) she'll lose the resentment and work on restoring your marriage; or (2) she'll stay resentful because the job and/or the chance to regularly/constantly interact with her affair partner will mean more to her than you do, in which case she won't be worth staying married to, and you'll have dodged the emotional bullet of staying with someone for whom you're not a top priority.
Either way, whichever happens, you will get a better outcome than if you fail to insist on this condition.

Has the affair been exposed to their employer? If not, why not? Most employers understand that affairees' working together in the workplace is a potential big ol' can o' worms, in terms of the heightened possibility of the company getting dragged into & opened up to sexual harassment, denial-of-equal-opportunity, accusations of favoritism or other legal consequences. Some companies won't want that potential liability hanging over them, and may take steps to separate the affairees by one means or another (firings, transfers, etc.)

Quitting to help your marriage IS a right reason.

"No demands" does not apply to recovery from infidelity. There are some very just demands to be made, and no contact is #1. "I require that you never be in contact in any way with OM for the rest of your life or I will not remain in this marriage," is not a demand. It's information that she needs.

I would give her an ultimatum and explain she must quit the job in order to remain married to you. You have no marriage anyway - you are condemned to a slow death of a thousand cuts this way. This is not something that should even be negotiable. Extraordinary precautions are NOT NEGOTIABLE.

It's really not that hard. When my husband told me to stop drinking 26 years ago, he said "AA OR THE HIGHWAY. QUIT DRINKING FOR LIFE OR GET OUT."

That was simple and easy enough to understand. I haven't had a drink since. That is the approach you should you take with your wayward wife. Let her know that all contact must end for life if she wants to stay married. Don't beat around the bush.

The biggest issue is not her "resentment" but YOURS, since you are the wronged party. Your resentment will grow and grow until you come to hate her if you don't do something to save your marriage:


You need to start raising the bar on your marriage if you expect to remain married. What you are doing will lead to the demise of your marriage. Being timid and complacent will avail you nothing other than a divorce.

WOW so much advise so quickly!!!! I agree with giving her the ultimatum just needed confirmation.

the employer does not know about the affair and i do not want to do anything like that just yet as i feel that will only upset her. In her trying to contact me she says that this is between just the 2 of us no one else. to me that is [censored] cause if it was just between us there would not be another man in the picture.

I was obsessing about who all the phone numbers were on her phone during the first week of my leaving her. I started to text some of the people fishing for who they were and turned out some of them were her co-workers and she got very upset, of course. I did find out some information from a girl that seemed to know the OM and knew they were having an affair, a girl that is not even a good friend of hers. her best friends didn't even know about the affair but some girl that is a bad influence on her did know. I pretended i was the other guy and this bad girl told me (thinking it was him) that my wife has been over it for a while and has checked out. so my fishing got me some valuable information even though i knew it was wrong and she would probably find out i couldn't help myself.

so for me to contact her employer might piss her off to the point that she would resent me for embarrassing her. I guess if she decides to not quit then our marriage should end and at that point telling her employer would just be to get revenge. I have thought about revenge but know that will not change anything and could land me in jail.

What about contacting this guy and telling him to stay away from her? is that just dumb cause he works with her and really is he going to change anything he is doing just cause i call him and ask him too?

I have not been in contact with my wife for almost 2 weeks now. she doesn't know where I am or who im staying with. She wants to talk but im not ready and i told her the other day that i need time to process everything and not sure how long that will be.

Do I need to get it over with and set up a place to meet and talk? Should I do it in a public place so things don't get to crazy, yelling etc? or do i only do it with a counselor there? How long can I take before facing her???

Sorry for so many questions and the long drawn out typing but feels good to lay it all out!

You need to just go home and move in. Without warning. There was no reason for you to move out. Go home and tell her that if she wants this marriage to work out, she needs to give her notice at that job and end all contact with the OM. Otherwise, this will lead to divorce.


Ok, is your goal to avoid pissing her off or is to save your marriage? You seem to be very fearful of pissing her off and that needs to stop. You need to focus on taking steps to save your marriage and stop worrying about pissing her off.

1. Go home and demand that she quit her job

2. on Monday, expose the affair to everyone, the workplace, her parents, your parents, your children, the OM's parents. NO FOREWARNING.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret is the same as driving the alcoholic to the bar. Stop keeping her dirty secret and bring it out into the open.

Is the OM married? Who is this loser?

Have you read many other threads here? Maybe you can look and see what other people did and how well different strategies worked for them.

You would be entirely right to end your marriage, but because you are posting here, I am assuming that you wish to recover your marriage. So, what I am writing this toward that goal.

First, go home. Sleep in your own bed. You have done nothing wrong and there is no reason for you to have to leave your own house.

Second, tell her if she wants to remain married and recover your marriage to something better than it was before, she must quit her job. Stop worrying about whether it will tick her off. Good grief, she is having an affair. She is not the least bit worried about your feelings (no wayward ever cares about anyone except themselves).

Third, expose the affair to everyone who can influence it to end. This includes the workplace, friends, family. Yes, this will tick her off. It will also kill the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy and die in the light of day.

Fourth, build a better marriage. Learn about Dr. Harley's concepts of the love bank and emotional needs. Read his material. It really does work, if applied.

AM

my wife 37, the other guy 27 single dude who supposedly doesn't like her. of course he doesn't like her he is 27 and single guy who is probably hi fiving all his buddies that he is having an affair with a married women he works with.

So i laugh that she is sleeping with a guy that doesn't like her and bottomline is he just wants friends with benefits.

my only worry with PISSING HER OFF is that i do not want to be a TAKER. I do not want to fuel the fire. i have already told all of my friends and her mom knows already and she seems remorseful but its hard to know if she is just tying to save face.

I know i need to go home but i guess im still on the fence if i want to save this marriage. im trying to get advise and understand what is the best thing for me. And i thought giving her time to think about her actions would be good and i needed to calm myself down so i didn't do anything i would regret like saying hateful things or lashing out in anger.

thanks melody for the advise i appreciate everything you say and you are 100% right.

i guess its sink or swim.

Read this:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=158389&Number=2296184#Post2296184

and this:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2504068&page=1

for starters. You do not have to recover this marriage. Are there any children?

Are you a conflict avoider? Because if you are unsure if you want to save the M, I don't see why you would be that concerned with upsetting your W?

Anyway, my advice to you is to move back home and do your best to kill the A, wait until your W defogs and THEN decide if you want the M or not. It's hard to make a good decision when you are dealing with a foggy wayward.

Sorry you ended up here for the reasons you did.

The truth is, she probably won't quit her job on her own, and can't. My friend, she needs to quit immediately. Even if she is no longer sleeping with him, the risk of reigniting the relationship is enormous. That said, it is not your fault she has to quit her job if she wants to remain married. It's her fault. If she hadn't been unfaithful, she could still be enjoying the job. I am sure more experienced vets will come along and help shortly...

Just to help them along... How long have you been married?
Do you have kids? How many?
Who have you exposed the affair to?

CV

and this is why you never post before reading through everything! the vets beat me here!

Why not, and how are you going to prevent it? The Taker and the Giver are part of all of us. Everyone has a Taker.

Did you read on here something saying the Giver is good and the Taker is bad?

That has nothing to do with being a "taker." If she were falling down drunk would you not take away her car keys because you didn't want to be a "taker?" That is not what Dr Harley intended at all. Remember the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger.


I understand completely. And it might be in your best interest to not continue your marriage. But it is not in your best interest to leave your home regardless of what you decide. NOR is it in ANYONE'S best interest to keep her affair a secret whether you stay in your marriage or not. Exposing it everywhere will help the fog wear off. And no, she is not remorseful. If she were remorseful, she would be leaving the job and taking steps to save her marriage.

Markos is right. It is even WORSE to be a total GIVER. Extreme giving leads to extreme taking. You are leaning to one extreme at the expense of your wife and your marriage.

Man this site is well moderated. I like the carrot and the stick article, those are good things to keep reminding myself.

No children, but we do have a dog and that right there could be a reason to stay Love my dog

I do not like conflict (who does) but i think its more how i approach it. It's easy to walk away but i realize that life is not that simple, grass isn't always greener and this person is my best friend in the world and I owe it to her to at least hear her out and not disappear forever.

Part of me is scared about what I find out or how I might need to change and am I willing to do the things she wants to make her happy. Is she worth fighting for?

We have been together married 6 yrs and dating for 6 years before that. And i was naive in thinking my wife would never cheat on me.

My wife has expressed that I do not give her the emotional needs she requires in the past and I didn't listen. Common mistake by many guys and just shows how you better treat your women right or she will have a profile on ashleymadison

Hard for me to get past the infidelity, an attraction, a kiss, even a one night stand would be an easier pill to swallow. and i need to decide if i can ever be intimate with her again and let go of the fact she was with another man. I know I'm the only one that can decide that.

I had my first professional listener, a counselor the other day. It was a nice vent session but at a cost of $200 (need better insurance),the one thing i got out of my session was if there is one small part of me that thinks there is a chance to work it out that I need to give it a try.

I read a book a couple years ago about enlightenment I need to re-read it. It talked a lot about ego and how much control it has on you and that i need to forget about the past, and focus on the now, live in the moment. And to take the zen buddha approach to things. So my rambling point is......

I need to make sure I go into my initial discussion with my wife in a calm, cool, respectful attitude and make sure I don't do anything to cause more, make love bank withdrawls.

I'm very nervous about what I want to really say and what I know I need to say. The ego in me wants to lash out and blame her,

But after reading this site's advice it really reminded me about that book, be the person that just says im sorry for everything and just apologize. "I'm sorry for leaving and running away etc etc" and make sure not to bring up things that will be negative. I need to be open to learning what this affair gave her and can I do those things for her or not.

I need to learn to lock the affair in the vault and never bring it up every again...that is a tough one.

I need to basically do the exact opposite or what im thinking just like George Castanza on Seinfeld would do. "My name is George, I unemployed and live at home with my Parents."

Ok sorry for the long email again

PS :::: Marriage builder is a great site but you need a new site design ...so if you are listening check me out would love to help you guys out. http://www.puredesigngroup.com

__________________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/Coworker

I was referring to this about your initial discussion with her....thanks for your advise

When you have this discussion, there is the Taker in you (see the Giver & Taker in my Basic Concepts) that will tell you to express your resentment over how much she has hurt you. Your Taker may even encourage you to let her lover have this ungrateful woman, so that you can find someone who will love you the way you are. You will be tempted to lose your temper, to say disrespectful things, try to straighten her out, and give her ultimatums.

If you do any of these things, she will find you repulsive, and withdraw from you more than she already has. It will get you nowhere.

On the other hand, if you can convince her that her feelings are important to you, and you are dedicated to make decisions that are in her best interest, it will add greatly to your credibility. Right now, she is not convinced that you have put her first in your life. Convince her otherwise.

Dbyl, you have one task , kill the affair permanently , get her out of that job if she declines expose her to the workplace as undoubtably they have used company time and resources to conduct the affair.

Your marriage will never even start to recover until this is done.

Dbyl, understand one thing: only YOU stand in the way of your WW and her OM. I've read your thread and you seem to be paving the way for them to be together! Is that what you want?

You are reading Dr. Harley's concepts but you are misapplying them. You ABSOLUTELY have the right to DEMAND that she end the affair! This is a direct assault on your marriage! You shouldn't be concerned about being a Giver or a Taker right now - you, Sir, need to MAN UP and demand that this nasty affair ends!

To whom can you expose this? Their employer is target No. 1. Her parents should be next in line. What about church or synagogue - do you attend?

thanks again for the quick notes....Her Mom knows, not sure about her Dad since he cheated on her Mom in a similiar way I'm sure she is embarrassed to tell him. We are not religious but I know that some of her close friends already know and all my friends I have already told and they are friends with her too.

i have no problem telling everyone, it wasn't my lie and im not going to lie about it not happening.

I have not told her employer and since i have yet to return home and tell her I'm ready to talk I haven't demanded anything yet.

I think I will take tonight to get drunk and enjoy myself at the big soccer match in town tonight GO SOUNDERS and then go home tomorrow with no warning.

If she says she will not quit her job (which i think she will for me) then i will call her boss regardless of her reaction.

As far as I was told by her best friend who I talked to for sometime yesterday, my wife has ended the relationship with this person but yeah they still work together and there is no way that is going to fly with me.

I understand her not wanting to quit if my plan is divorce and she is going into survival mode but come monday morning im going to demand she quit and never go back to that office again.

OK, thanks for all the advice everyone, i will continue to read more and even buy a book!

________________________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/ coworker
still in shock

Two things, dbyl:

(1) Don't verbally threaten her with workplace exposure or otherwise warn her that you plan to do so. When she refuses to quit, just expose it, without telling her. Exposure works best through shock & surprise. The idea is, you don't want her (and the OM) to know what hit 'em until they're already in the eye of a crapstorm without ponchos.

(2) Phone calls can be brushed off; I'd advise you to put it in writing. And cc: a copy to the company's general counsel or vice president. Good to have a cc: on the letter so that no one will sweep it under the rug. Somewhere on this site, there is actually a model template for a workplace exposure letter.

Going out to get drunk is a horrible idea.

good advice on the exposing her, thank you....and CWMI, promise i won't get drunk (beers are too expensive at the game anyway) but i do plan on having fun enjoying the game with friends. thanks everyone for your advice....ill let you know how things go tomorrow.

cheers
dave
__________________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
"GIVING MY FULL 90" tonight SOUNDERS FC!

You're the one who said you planned to get drunk tonight. How about you take care of your most important business instead? Or is that your most important business?

dbyl, your situation is very similar to how my own was a few years ago. Like you, my FWW had an A with a much younger OM who worked with her at the office. And like your case, the A was just about ending between my FWW and her OM when I learned about it.

I'm seeing you thinking about making the same mistakes that I made when D-Day happened. I didn't expose to her office, and I let get drive the decision to remain working with the OM (which she did, but she quit the job about six months later).

Those decisions significantly damaged the recovery of our M, and the OM ended up getting my FWW's job as a reward for his behaviour.

I suggest that you do NOT take that path, but do as the others are suggesting here: demand that she leave the job immediately, AND you expose to her office (whether or not she decides to leave, so at least they know why, and who else was involved).

Are you serious about ending this A?

Your posts don't sound like someone who is very upset about his M ending.

It is not an "Oh well, will leave that piece of advice alone, <<need not upset the WW,>> going to take an evening off my problems.. Cherio!"or

"I will expose to work if "a" or "b" happens." -- what the heck? No where on MB does it say to pick and chose your exposure. It is not a leverage or revenge option.

Exposure is a way to re-start and redefine your marriage based on principles of truth and honesty. It will help end the A. It is not a punishment.

MB is a plan, a good plan, that needs to be taken seriously. I know this situation is new to you, you never thought you would be in this mess.

You need to read everything you can on this site.


The choices you are making right now... today... will set the tone for your recovery or end of your M, chose wisely.

You have great vets posting to you, please listen to the advice.

I asked her to quit, she said she doesn't want to do it because she loves her new job and finally for the first time in a long time is happy. says she broke up the relationship but still has feelings for him but things between them are just professional. i told her why its important to remove this person from our lives but she was like..... i at least need some time to figure out what im going to do about a new job, do not want to just go in and quit, that would be bad for her career, what if next week we decide this marriage is not going to work and then she has no financial security, says she can separate him from our lives. i said this site told me i should expose her to her job and she freaked out and said that would ruin our chances to make things work cause that is a horrible thing to do to someone.

now before anyone starts yelling at me understand that i know how bad this is but what am i to do. if i want to make it work i feel like i have to meet her in the middle on this and trust her. i explained everything that everyone told me that she must quit. she is not opposed that but is scared. she has i have a biz and clients and money coming in and if i leave her she has nothing.

she broke out in tears and said she doesn't want to go back to the worthless person she felt like last year in a horrible job. i said i would not expose her and would not force her to quit but said that this decision is going to make the road to recovery very difficult.

she says she doesn't want to have a last horrah with him or anything like that (which i believe) but the fact remains that she still has feelings for him and like everyone here says it just asking for trouble. how am i supposed to fill her love bank when this guy is still in the picture...they sit 10 ft apart.

and to clarify i take this very seriously but i can't obsess about this every second of the day, it is going to drive me insane, my night out was very positive and my friend and i sat around and talked about my position and he had some great advice and it was good to have yet another persons opinion.

i tried to lay down yesterday and take a nap with my wife but i had a panic attack and started to shake and cry like a child, it was very embarrassing. I feel like a stranger in my own house right now. I slept on the couch because i just didn't want to freak out again.

im trying to make and effort but have moments of weakness where im wondering if im doing the right thing. are we in love still. she seems very open for this relationship to work in so many ways and has already started to read a book "After an Affair" which she wants me to read. she has been very open about what i had done to make her so unhappy which was a hard thing to hear but i was open and tried to reassure her that i was committed to making the changes necessary to make this marriage work.

i will continue to read all the information on this site and take one day at a time.

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
day 2 back at home

DBYL, Two questions:

Question: Why would you believe someone who has repeatedly lied to you, betrayed you, stolen from you and injured you repeatedly and shown nothing but selfish contempt for anyone but herself?

Question: Is her sense of self worth at work more important than knowing she is a good productive, successful wife? I am curious as to what is more important for her, being happy in a job, or being happy with her H.



CV

I know, I know, I feel the same way.....part of me understands what she is saying. she says she wants to at least have some time to find a new job. i'm so confused about what to do. right after i typed the above msg i took my still unpacked duffel bag and left the house cause i couldn't stand to see her leave out the door for work. i feel like i am running away but the pain im experiencing is something i just can't understand. i love her....she says she is willing to do lots of things but is scared about losing the one thing she has that makes her happy right now. she read me a page out of her journal that expressed the emptiness she had felt in her last couple jobs and i caved and said that i would not expose her no matter what. im a [censored] [censored].

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
starbucks thanks for the free wifi

Should i call or email her and tell her why i left this morning?

Might be nice to do that. Also remember that you can't make a promise you cannot reasonably keep. Ask her to be released from this promise you made her. Tell her why (because you cannot stay in a marriage where she is in contact with this guy).

Now.. go back home, unpack your duffle bag, and like God told Job... Gird yourself by your loins and prepare yourself....

The hurt is natural, but if you love her, fight darnit, don't run.

What's more important? A false feeling of security (her being there but being in constant contact with OM) or working towards real security (doing the hard thing, working through this and having a good marriage where boundaries are in place to protect you and her from ever falling again.)

You, Sir, are a BS in shock.

Everyone here probably has been through this and understands it. (from either the BS or the WS side of things) No one, that I know of, has done Exposure, Plan a or Plan b perfectly the first time they tried.
That is understandable.

But it does not excuse lack of action on your part - if you want to save your M.

Hoping is not a plan.
You will find out that here at MB, you will learn how to plan.

I believe you will never be in recovery until your WW is seperated from her A partner- but the vets know much more than I.

good luck to you.

Your WS has no right to elicit promises from you that cover her dishonesty and deciet.

You did nothing wrong. She lost her job when she diddled the boy 10 feet next to her.

There are consequences for such actions. This A was her chosing, yet she feels YOU should be covering for her? Really?

(That is like running someone over in your car, then getting out and asking the squashed person in the middle of the road to help fix the dent in the car that their body created on the hood.)

It is a morally bankrupt position for her to ask you to go along with and cover this assult to your M and life. (and for her to use guilt "Oh, poor me and my life last year!!") to elicit your promise.

Can you see the implications and manipulation here?

thanks, she just called me and asked where i went, i told her i was struggling with things but said i would run back home and talk about it. thanks you guys rock!!!

You've made some huge mistakes right now. Revealing this website was a starter.

Conceding that you won't use the biggest stick you have to kill the affair was another big mistake.

SHE is the one who messed up her job, not you.

The first thing I would do in your shoes is find your bal*s. Look for them because they're the only thing that will actually save your marriage right now.

Fear will not.

Now, you don't have kids. You have nothing to lose with doing what must be done.

The very first thing I would do is tell her tonight that you will do whatever is necessary to save your marriage, but that you will not stay in a marriage where she chooses to stay in contact with a man she had an affair with.

If she tells you that she's happy at this job and that you are ruining thigns, then you must use some mental akido and turn it around her on her. "Yes, I know you love this job, which makes it all the more tragic that YOU ruined it by having this affair."

Quiting her job is not an option.

You must be willing to face the consequences and more importantly make HER face the consequences of her actions.

Tell her that nothing is off the table in terms of killing this affair.

Exposure is not an option for saving your marriage. There is no "meeting in the middle" in terms of exposure. Waywards lose their rights to negotiate anything. You MUST expose.

Start with family. Then find the OM's girlfriend or wife and expose to her.

You must then expose to the workplace. It's not an option.

She will say that you broke your promise to not expose.

You need to respond with, "Promising to let you stay in a job where you'd see OM daily was a mistake. Quitting that job is not an option if you want to stay married to me. YOU messed this up, not me."

Say this with spine and without emotion. Think James Bond.

Your wife will respect steely determination more than appeasement. Right now you're appeasing and enabling your wife's continued emotional affair.

What you're doing is no different than standing by the bed while she has sex with OM and holding a towel for them to use after their done. Then, once they've thrown their towel at you, you hand them some water to recharge themselves for round two.

THAT is what you're doing by doing as your wife wishes.

Which man would you rather be? The calm and cool James Bond type that knows what needs to be done or the enabling and wimpy one who will go along with the wife's wishes in order to enable future affairs?

What HTTLD said.

If you do, give her DR H's own explanation. Your's make no sence whatsoever. Read it yourself several times over till it sinks in..


Good luck to you dbyl.

All Blessings,
Jerry

And your WW succeeded in what she was trying to do, get you to back off and let her keep having contact with her affair partner. These are wayward tactics that are used frequently ~ saying they would be losing their "dream job" or that they will look for another job. I don't think I have ever seen a WS say this and then follow through with leaving. She isn't going to want to give up the crackpipe (OM). That is the addictive nature of affairs.

That is why exposure is recommended. It is the only thing that works to bust up the fantasy of the A. It takes the fun out of seeing OM at work every day, knowing that everybody knows.


Have you discussed your plans for exposure with your WW???

I think I know the problem here, dbyl. You are operating under Pre-A Rules. You know, the good old days, back when you trusted each other 100% and just KNEW your marriage with its few little bumps was essentially rock-solid.

You've got to stop that line of thinking post-haste. It will not serve you now. You are now in a fight for the life of your marriage, and the old rules (which were terrible ones that most of us innocently lived with, btw) no longer apply.

It's not a matter of her quitting the job if it's convenient, or helps her career. That does not matter now. She changed the rules when she had an affair with a co-worker! She no longer gets the luxury of calling the shots on her career!

Your marriage will not survive on-going contact between these two. Don't listen to her drivel for one minute. She sounds like a drunk who says they can quit drinking whenever they want to...they just never do.

Meeting in the middle is not an option with an affair-addled spouse.

The thing that keeps popping up in my mind is why she likes this job more than the others she has had? Is it really the job or the co-worker she does not want to leave. Is this job really that much different?

Unfortunately you've done a very foolish thing. By threatening exposure and telling her about this site, you've basically done the equivalent of the Americans giving the Japanese three days' warning before sending over the Enola Gay. Do you think the end result would have been the same?



Yes, I felt exactly that way too. And I was misleading myself badly. The end result was six more months' of suffering, wondering if my WW would still be "getting it on" with the OM at the office while they still worked together.



...and that's exactly what you are going to be doing if your WW continues to work with the OM.

MB Folks,

Thanks again for all the advice and support.

i thought i was just being honest about sharing this website with her as i thought it had good information that she should start reading and that we could both benefit from.

she thinks im just going to listen to whatever anyone says on this forum. i explained that i need someone to be my sounding board as this is new territory for me.

i have nothing to hide and i was hoping that once she saw the advice i was getting she would realize that its good advice. but she looks at it like how could i listen to a bunch of people that do not know us and why would they say to do such a horrible thing as to publicly expose and humiliate her to her company. i said these are people that have been through this themselves and know way more then i do about what im going through.

i told her that even though she doesn't deal with the OM on anything more then a professional level and that she is still emotional attached to him if she realizes it or not. she said she isn't (but admitted she still had feelings for him but would not act on it). if you are addicted to crack and the pipe is right there you are going to hit the rock...maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but eventually its going to tell convince you otherwise. She said she only sees him in meetings and that they do not sit next to each other any more but i told her she is human and still going thru withdrawals from him and that is something that is hard to ignore.

i told her i was supposed to expose her if she would not quit, bad idea i know, i wasn't supposed to tell her that i was just supposed to expose her. but i just can't do that to her. and if that ends up being the thing that ruins this marriage then that is a decision i will have to live with.

she insists that she is not trying to keep her job because she is emotional attached the to OM but rather that she is emotionally attached to her job.

she seems really genuine about looking for another job as she just called and asked if i could email her resume to her which shows me that she does care about this marriage.

and she called me wondering where i left to this morning and said she wasn't just going to leave for work without talking to me about what i was feeling. and i really appreciated that.

i know im not following DR H's plan to perfection but everyone's situation is different and I need to take what is being said and make my own decisions on what is best for us.

im still struggling with feeling like a stranger in my own house. knowing that he was in my home is driving me crazy. she insists that nothing happened in our home and i want to believe her but that as you can imagine is a really hard.

since i know that she is reading these posts i want to make sure im clear in saying that i have done some hurtful things over the past couple years to my wife emotionally some i realized and some i did not and for that i am truly sorry and take full responsibility for and it breaks my heart to know that i made her feel those things.

i keep saying to myself that she is my best friend and how could she do that to me and at the same time i realize that i did some things to her that i would never do to my best friend. even though what i did was not infidelity they were things that i regret beyond belief.

i not going to blame myself for the infidelity but i do admit that i did not meet her most simple emotional needs and am working on trying to save our marriage. its only day 2 back home and yesterday was really hard for me. doing the exact opposite of what i really wanted to do and say was soooo hard. but im trying to be calm and respectful and fill that love bank.

i kept referring to the love bank and my wife said she heard that same thing on Housewives of Orange County. I can't believe i just referenced what has to be one of the worst shows ever

in closing i love my wife, she is my best friend and im going to fight for her!!!!!!!!!
_______________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
Day 2 back home but in good spirits

I'll bet she was more concerned that you were going to expose her at her office, and she wanted to save herself from the embarrassment!



No, it isn't. Really. And not only are you NOT following Harley's plan, you've basically given away the entire plan to your active WW. Good luck with that.

Stop waffling and save your marriage , expose the affair at work , to family and friends.

Oh, dear. Where to start.

Would you share your battle plans with the General on the enemy's side? Your WW is on the side of the enemy right now. The enemy is the affair. You've tipped your hand and she knows your battle plans now. Not good.

I think I'm going to have to put my response to this in my sig line, because there's been a rash of betrayed spouses lately who seem hell-bent on showing their wayward the error of their ways:
You cannot educate or reason with a wayward.


She can't have it both ways. She can't say she isn't emotionally attached out of one side of her mouth while she's saying she's got emotions for him out of the other side of her mouth.

Your call.

You actually bought that? She's playing you like a fiddle. She has no intention of quitting that job. She just wants to get you off her back.

You're doing nothing of the kind. You busted her affair and she has successfully negotiated with you to keep her OM in the picture. She's going to be much more careful in the future, so you won't be so quick to catch her. That's too bad. I hate to see a betrayed spouse roll over for a wayward. Good luck with that, though.

What you need to absorb and FAST is that this is not your DW but rather a WS. Since affairs act like an addiction on the brain, all waywards say and do very similar things. We can better predict what your WW is going to do than you can because she is WAYWARD and she isn't going to put the crackpipe down. She is going to do whatever she can to get you to go along with her plans...

Do you have a GPS/VAR in the car? Access to her cell phone records and email? Keylogger on the computer? If you refuse to listen to our advice about exposure, at the very least be a super sleuth (DO NOT TELL YOUR W!!!) so that you can have all the facts about what is going on.

IDK if it has already been answered but is this OM married?

MB FOLKS, im sure you are all correct. She was probably more concerned about me exposing her, I didn't even think about that!!!!

I'm really bad at this [censored]!

Thanks for the advice and I only hope at this point I haven't ruined any chance to save my marriage.

Nice reference to WW2.
__________________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
I think the dog is sad

MB Folks,

OM is not married. I do have access to phone records but not the nothing else. I want to believe her about everything she is telling me now. she seems to be being very honest and im just being naive.

Thanks for the advice

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
Im not good at this

Your being naive , the fact that she is at work with him feeds her addiction and that on turn places demands for more contact.

And you have verified this yourself, independently?

FWIW, I'd suggest that you seriously consider what do you with this thread at this point. As you've now alerted your WW to this site, AND you have informed her that you are receiving advice from people here, can you guess what she's likely to do next?

If she finds this thread, she's likely going to use ANY advice that you receive her to HER advantage.

Do you have any idea how often we've been told that "everyone's situation is different."

Nothing you've told us leads us to believe that she's any different than any other wayward we've ever seen on here before. In fact, we are the audience watching the horror movie for the 40th time.

You can't hear the scary music that you're about to die.

You're like a man out in a thunder storm thinking that all is well when there is a tornado coming right on top of you.

We've seen your type on this forum a million times. In fact, I was your type. I too heard the advice on here and thought, "They don't know my WW. My situation is unique and different from theirs. My WW will respond better to what I do."

And I was wrong.

The only thing that truly works with a WW is growing a set of cajones and taking action that scares you.

Expose her at work today. Bring the affair out of secrecy and into the light.

Call the OM and tell him to stay the he77 away from your W.

Let your wife know that she either leaves that job and ends all contact with OM for life or that she will find herself on the other end of a divorce petition and charges of adultery.

You show the stick of Plan A. Then, after you let her know what you'll do if she continues her behavior, you invite her to a nice dinner or bake her a nice batch of cinnamon rolls. You act like James Bond. You stay cool and calm and unwavering.

You are in for some serious heartache if you "want to trust her". Check out my signature line.......that is what trust will get you. I didn't find this site before it was to late for me to save some of that.

Myhusband spent the day with the other woman then went to the marriage counselor that evening with me to "work things out". He spent the next day with her after also. He even texted me bad things about her while she was in the car with him to throw me off the scent.

They LIE. That is just fact. She IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED RIGHT NOW. It will be awhile after no contact before that person is back. She will never be back working with him.

dbyl...I'm new into this too, but take my word for it, when I do what the vets tell me to do, I see movement in my WS. They know what they are talking about.

I hear you loud and clear everyone....im going to take the advice of someone above and stop posting to this thread. i appreciate everything and will continue to learn more from this site.

sorry for not doing the right thing, my only hope at this point is to........you know what, doesn't really matter, this is too much for me to handle......bye

No one has told you not to post.

We want you to save your marriage. But to do so you must take some drastic actions.

Taking a crack pipe away from an addict isn't an easy or pleasant thing and the addict will get ticked at you doing so.

Don't bail.

I may have screwed up every aspect of MB program before listening to the vets (driving them nuts doing so) and doing the right thing.

I can't guarantee anything except I know I at least have a CHANCE to save my marriage and family b/c of this site.

Thank you.

Dbyl, you are making huge strategic mistakes that will result in the loss of your marriage if you don't wake up soon. Please come back when younger serious and we can help you.. Your case is not "different," it is typical.

There is a reason for the old saying:

"Don't crap where you eat."

Having a work based adulterous affair is crapping where you eat.

No, you are human. Now, does she have leave/vacation? she can take vacation and look for a job then... If she gives 2 weeks then she has LOTS of free time too...

CV

At this point? You shouldn't want to believe a word out of her piehole. Not a word. The burden of proof, and not belief, is all on her.

LOL

And the menu is lovely. Because you eat the crap.

dbyl,

Killing off an affair while remaining in contact with the affair partner doesn't work.

I know. I tried it that way, tried to end my EA while staying in regular contact with my OW. All that got me, after 12 days or so of trying to convince myself that I'd gotten out of it, was right back into it, and as a PA to boot.

And if the affair isn't dead -- both physically and emotionally -- the work of restoring your marriage, and the necessary work of building a better marital relationship than the one you had before the affair, cannot even begin.

It can't begin because you'll never feel emotionally safe with your wife while they remain in contact -- with you constantly wondering what they say to one another, how they look or glance at one another, what meanings are revealed or hidden. (Revealed to them, hidden from you.)

Without feeling safe, you won't be able to meet her needs, because you'll be too (rightfully) fearful to go all-in.

And without having her needs better met by you, OM will look better by contrast.

You've just ditched the game plan with a dumb audible & thrown a huge interception inside your own 10-yard line with under a minute to go in the 4th quarter.

I'm heading for the parking lot. No need for me to see how this game ends.