My husband and I have been separated after an affair ofhis for almost five yers. We reconcilled (i thought) a few times only for me to find out he was still seeing her. Here is my question. From time to time I will click on her face book just to see what may or may not be on there....I noticed this week that she has posted her name as his name then a N and then her name followed by OUR last name and then hers. It almost appears as if she is using his last name. She also has set up a face book page for him with the same heading. I brought this up to him and of course (he plays both sides of the fence) he said he would take care of it and did not know about either face book page...he does not want his pictures evben on it...he says I noticed last night she has her daughter nlisted on my husbands page as a daughter of his....I am livid as my children would be if they knew this.....how can I handle this?

Is he still in touch with her? How would he take care of this?

Can you be more specific? What does this mean exactly?

He is living with her

He plays both sides of the fence......he wants to keep things friendly between us so if things fall a part there...he thinks he would...or could come back here....in the past it has been a pattern...I am MU*CH stronger now

You can be upset but the fb is the least of your problems. Plan C in progress.

plan c?

huh? Why are you talking to him at all? Shouldn't the divorce be final by now?

You've been a member here since 2006, been separated for 5(?) years, and NOW the fact that WH is moving on to the next level of betrayal is bothering you?

Good Lord, woman, what is delaying your termination of this shell of a relationship?

Forget for a moment the fact that he has the ability to hurt you with these kinds of things. Focus instead on the fact that you've forfeited the opportunity to move on and create a better life for you and your children, while you play the "Gee, I hope someday he will return" mind-game with yourself.

Pull the pin and toss the grenade, already!

mishes, there is nothing "strong" about making yourself available to be abused. That is the path of weakness. That is what weak women do. Part of the reason your husband is so wayward is because you have enabled him by hanging around.

Move on. Divorce him, stop talking to him. He is an abuser who is only using you.

mishes,

Let me tell you a TRUE story. Do with it what you want.


My sister, let's call her Mary, was married for 18 years to her husband. Let's call him Rob. Mary was an affair-type woman. Oh heck, let me say this right now, Mary got around. A LOT. She slept with Rob's brother (he is rumored to be the father of Rob and Mary's first child). Mary slept with her daughter's husband, too, later on.

Anyway.

So, Mary has an affair with a married man, around the 16th year of the marriage (this guy happened to be unrelated to the family, just for fun I suppose).

After about two years or so, Mary decided she didn't want to be married anymore, because she wanted to be free to marry her affair partner.

This gets good.

So, she and Rob divorce. Rob was devastated. He had loved Mary since they were in grade school. He had endured the affair with his brother, and other infidelities along the way.

Mary boots him out, keeps the four children and the house. Rob leaves with nothing, except Mary's disdain, hatred, vilification, and disgust - as though he is the person who did something terrible.

Oh. He also takes along his broken heart.

Rob remarries, about five years later, after pulling together the pieces of his life. Only, he still carried a torch for Mary, and everyone knows that.

Mary continued to date her married man. He did not divorce his wife as Mary planned. He stayed with his wife "for the kids". Then, after the kids graduated from high school NINE YEARS LATER, he continued to date Mary, along with all of the other women he was cheating on his wife with.

Mary felt like she was being cheated on. By her adultery partner of 11 years....then 12, then 13, then.....ultimately they were adultery partners for over TWENTY FOUR YEARS.

He never once offered marriage. He did, however, offer the job to her to take care of his house and horses while he left town to visit his out-of-town lovers. AND SHE DID IT.

Meanwhile, Rob was married quite awhile to wife number two. They divorced a few years ago.


Rob is still in love with Mary. Mary actually strings him along, by being Facebook friends with him, calling him from time to time, and asking him to do her favors.

Behind Rob's back???? She says things about him - that he is stupid, that he makes her uncomfortable by looking at her with his puppy dog eyes, that she knows she could have him back by snapping her fingers, what a fool he is, etc.




I guess I am asking you, exactly how long do YOU plan to be ROB?


Because I am pretty sure he did not plan to be this way for over a quarter of a century.


And Mary completely believes she is justified in treating him like dirt. She lets everyone know it, too. On the INTERNET.





SB

You both are right....I am pathetic
I am better than I was but never have gotten over it
I dont divorce him because I think this is what SHE wants so she can marry him.
It is pathetic to keep on...why does he do this? If he cared at all he would have her change or delete that page.

If he cared he wouldn't be living with his affair partner.

If he cared, he wouldn't have had an affair.

Dark. Plan. B.

File.

Quote

If he cared at all he would have her change or delete that page.

But you already know that he doesn't care, why do you expect to find otherwise?

Quote

I dont divorce him because I think this is what SHE wants so she can marry him.

So you live your life in limbo in a futile effort to spite a POSOW? How's it working for you? The best revenge is living well. Divorce this loser, get the financial support you have coming to you, get out and meet new people and spend time with old friends, and your kids.

Show your kids the facebook page, in fact show EVERYONE the facebook page to include her family and friends. Then tell your kids you're getting a divorce because you're going to treat yourself to a better life.

Got news for you - if they do get married it won't last. She who laughs last, laughs best. Live for yourself mishes.

mishes,

You can choose to stay anchored right where you are.

The scenery will never change. You may very well love the constant view of the other woman from your boat.

You could also choose to weigh anchor, sail away to a yet-unknown new and distant port.

You chart your own course.


Have you considered that they have you exactly in the port they want you to be in?


That your situation - is working for THEM?


And that each day, month, year, that passes, suits THEM just fine. Financially, emotionally, in every way. The status quo works for THEM. And it will not change - because :::::::::


IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.


They are selfish.
They are doing what pleases them.
It works for them.


YOU are not in their equation, mishes.



Yet you are anchored, watching from your boat, believing they are watching from shore.

They are not.


Because they are in their self-centered world. Your long-lost-wayward husband is completely content suiting himself and serving his own needs.


And he will continue, just as my sister has, just has her affair partner did


FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.


It does not occur to them that anyone else in the world exists, and furthermore, they would not care if the thought DID occur to them.



Weigh anchor.
Chart a new course.

But first, you need to fire the current Captain you have, because whoever that is, hasn't been doing much work in course-charting of late


SB

That is crazy, mishes. Who cares what she wants? What is best for YOU? What is best for you is to divorce him and move on.

The best revenge would be to divorce him so she CAN marry him! She deserves a cheater for husband! By marrying him she leaves an opening for his new mistress.



The question is not why does he do this, but why do you do this? Why do you relegate control of your life to 2 waytards?

Get divorced, mishes! If an affair has not died in 2 years, it is hopeless. There is nothing to save here.

More like how long do you plan to be ROBBED of your life?

Your xwh is a USER and is enjoying this life he has created and that YOU HAVE ENABLED.

Never ever should a lifestyle like this be encouraged.

Please get some IC here, and maybe learn how to begin anew. You need to extricate yourself legally from him and GET A GOOD PLAN for a personal recovery now. Divorce this cad and cheater. Let the skank have her "prize" for he is NO prize.

How long do you decide to continue being a mentally abused wife? How long will you allow this to go on? Meanwhile your kids are seeing you OK WITH THIS crappy life arrangement and are LEARNING how to be a doormat, and how to have a bad marriage from seeing you take it from this jerk.

Please have some self respect and seek out a way to heal from this. Pick up yourself off the floor, dust off the "welcome" on your back, and seek a solution to end this nightmare and begin your life anew.

Then, Game Over. End this horrific abuse. You deserve better. Do not allow him to play you in order to gratify his emotional needs. I'm sorry, mishes, but this is unacceptable for you as a human who deserves respect and dignity.

Mishes, please find yourself a mean bulldog attorney to handle this divorce for you and cite as your grounds adultery and MENTAL CRUELTY (if you live in a fault state) and then also seek a good IC for yourself to deprogram yourself after living for years within this systematic abuse.

You have to pull yourself out of this. We cannot do it for you.

You must BE the mom, BE the woman, BE the grownup now and take responsibility for where your life is now, before your kids are forever scarred from your lack of action and are PROGRAMMED that THIS is how marriage is supposed to work and they're screwed up for life.

you have a chance to end this and start a beautiful new life NOW. Seize the day.

I know and as stupid as it may sound....what a waste we had everything....I thought

I guess i dont have much self respect or dignity left...just never thought...God help me is all I can hope for

agsain pretty pathetic....i look at my childrens ages when i started here.....now they are twenty eight, twenty two and almost seventeen. Almost five yeras later and we have been back and fourth at least two to three times...only for him to go back to her. I just dont understand how a man can be so good for so many years and this happens.....I dont understand how a man can continue to play both sides of the fence....I guess the bottom line is ...lol i should already know this is tht he doesnt love me any more. And truly I guess I do know this....I j8ust dont understand why she pours salt in my already scarred heart.....I guess it doesnt matter. I just hope someday he realizes what he left behind.....and how he has scarred me and my children. I pray for him.....

mishes, honey, you're giving these two waywards waaaay too much credit for being able to think clearly. Waywards don't think clearly when they are wayward - my H said he wasn't thinking at all while he was wayward.
It also sounds like you think the OW is doing this with the intention of hurting you. More than likely she isn't thinking of you at all. Your WH isn't, either. It's all about them and their foggy little affair world.

No, you're not pathetic, mishes. You're a woman who trusted someone with your life and then had that trust shattered. {{{mishes}}} You'll never 'get over it'. But I think you need to divorce him and end this limbo you're in so you can come to a place of peace in your life. You deserve so much better than what you've settled for right now.

mishes, He will help you if you will get out of his way. He can't very well help you if you associate yourself with darkness. Your husband is captive to sin, get away from him!

mishes, let me do you a little favor. This is to help you see your own train of thought, and why you are thinking this way. You are very close, and you know what you need to do. You are blocking your own way, and although you know you are doing it, you back away from it. Watch how you do this to YOURSELF.

When you catch yourself, and see yourself doing it, you will be able to walk away from him.




agsain pretty pathetic....i look at my childrens ages when i started here.....now they are twenty eight, twenty two and almost seventeen.
The first phrase regarding how pathetic you are is a simple statement of you seeing yourself as an outsider looking in. You DO see it - and you understand the situation quite clearly. You have the insight, and you back up that fact by pointing out why you know it: you bring up the aging of your CHILDREN. Then you avoid the obvious - which takes YOU out of the picture, mishes. You avoid the obvious fact that YOU also are aging, moving along. It is as though you are frozen, while others are moving along in time around you.

Then, you talk about the issues between you and your husband, but this time, you bring in the OW, and turn over the control of your life to them. Again, you view it from the outside, as though this happens around you, and you are frozen, this all occurs while time within you stands still.


Almost five yeras later and we have been back and fourth at least two to three times...only for him to go back to her.


I just dont understand how a man can be so good for so many years and this happens.....
the term "this happens" is distancing - it distances you from control of the events, as though you had no say, no part, no control in where you are today.

I dont understand how a man can continue to play both sides of the fence.... you relinquish control to him here, yet you ARE one side of this fence

I guess the bottom line is ...lol i should already know this you state here that you "should already know it", yet you distance yourself by placing "LOL" before it. That distance again tells you that you KNOW, but choose the distance as a means to not accept what you know. It is a way to remain where you are, to not choose a course of action, to delay accepting and changing your situation.

is tht he doesnt love me any more. Interesting that you separated this YOURSELF with that phrase, isn't it? I didn't do that, YOU DID. I merely brought it to your attention, by my comments on your clauses.

Language is a very funny thing, when it reveals your own thoughts.

Read that again, mishes. YOU said the truth here. You need to go with what you said you already know.

It stands there on its own merit.




Then, you distract yourself with the OW, because you believe that there is something there you need to deal with...


And truly I guess I do know this....I j8ust dont understand why she pours salt in my already scarred heart..... You say she attacks you, but this is a "guess", and then you say the truth:


I guess it doesnt matter.

Which is that it doesn't matter when it comes to the other woman. This isn't, and never was, about the other woman.


I just hope someday he realizes what he left behind.... Remember "he left behind" is the action phrase here, although your action is hoping - his was leaving. Your brain keeps trying to bring you back to that, and you turn away from it by turning to .and how he has scarred me and my children. I pray for him.....
heartfelt reminiscing.


mishes,

I hope this helps you see yourself and how your patterns of thought work. It seems to me that you keep yourself in circles by "seeing" what is happening, but canceling it out by turning off those thoughts quite quickly and turning to something else instead. You might look at the OW, or to yourself, or to wondering "why", which seems to serve as a distractor from you doing what it seems to be that you are really trying to do, which is to get yourself to move ahead with some type of new plan.

I hope this helps.


Schoolbus

If you aren't ready to divorce, it is at least time to start a Plan B, letter and all. Read up on it and cut him off. Then you will have time to heal and see what you want to do next. He enjoys having both of you....

mehr makes a good point of how to start to resolve this.
Perhaps going to plan B (whether you have been in it previously or not) is the way to go.
Consider him gone and the marriage over and go dark and get used to that feeling.
Stay there until you are ready to do more (like file for divorce perhaps).

Get your sea legs of being truly seperated.

And....I think facebook and their relationship status thing is really quite artificial. It is based on whims of people from day to day. Don't give it more weight than it is worth.

mishes, read schoolbus' post, and then read it again. This is so very important for you to understand.

schoolbus post was nothing short of amazing...and yes it all makes so much sense. I know and have said to myself you are avoiding accepting any little crumb he tosses my way....and again yes I distance myself/separate myselffrom facing the reality of what is...I believe that this is because if I fully accept things and file....I will break...I have said many times I would have a total break down...my schedule just wont allow it...mabe that is a good thing and what has kept me from it. I do suppose there is somthing I need or feel I need to deal with when it comes to the other woman.....I just dont know what that isl....it is like I want to get back at her...make her feel the pain she has caused me..when in fact as you said it really has nothing to do with the other woman.....I suppose it is just much easier to not like her than it is him. I ask myself why can I not accept things and move on....

But...you haven't broken, have you?

And, you won't.

Stay right here and keep posting. You'll find the best support and plans to keep you protected...to keep YOU protected, ya hear?

Stay right here. You'll get much support from Schoolbus, who is amazing, and many others through this crappy journey.

(((Mishes)))

In other words, you want to grab OW and kick her and rip her face off and scream at her and shame her and make her realize the scum and dirt and skank that she is for even going for a married man and ruining a family and having no respect for herslf and for you or your family and basically being an effing wh--e?

Does that cover a little bit? Thought I'd vent for you.

You know it has nothing to do with her.

"I guess the bottom line is ...lol i should already know this you state here that you "should already know it", yet you distance yourself by placing "LOL" before it. That distance again tells you that you KNOW, but choose the distance as a means to not accept what you know. It is a way to remain where you are, to not choose a course of action, to delay accepting and changing your situation."

Gross, SB. Printing this!

schoolbus post was nothing short of amazing...and yes it all makes so much sense. I know and have said to myself you are avoiding

I am glad you see this part of yourself. Like I said, you point to it yourself. I know that you see it, because your own words told me you do.


accepting any little crumb he tosses my way....

I know this about you. We can all see that. YOU see it, too. Your desire is that he NOT BE WHO HE IS.

The fact is, he is NOT who YOU WANT HIM TO BE.

Those two things - they are different. This is what you are seeking to accept, to recognize, to understand.

and again yes I distance myself/separate myselffrom facing the reality of what is...

I believe that this is because if I fully accept things and file....I will break...
Surfer said, "You have not broken yet". This is already fact, mishes. Look around you. Your children have aged, and so have YOU. Whether or not you have noticed, the world has not stopped spinning. You have ALREADY survived your WH leaving you. It is already something that you lived through. (And apparently, more than one time )

I have said many times I would have a total break down...my schedule just wont allow it...mabe that is a good thing and what has kept me from it. Yeah, I make excuses to avoid stuff, too, especially stuff I just don't want to deal with, or stuff that looks to be like a mountain ahead of me. Does this make it TRULY easier on me in life? Probably not. Because instead of being able to go forward, I am anchored to that "thing", it weighs me down. I cannot do the NEXT thing, because I have not completed THIS business, this "stuff" I am avoiding. I drag it with me, chain and all.


mishes, now here, I need to take something of yours OUT, and put in something else. I am taking out the OW, because this is NOT about her. I am putting in the words MY WAYWARD HUSBAND instead, and I want you to read it again. I think your anger and frustration and resentment are all very misplaced. Your WH brought this woman into your marriage. YES, she has her portion of blame. YES, she has done her part of the damage.

However, your WH is the one who returns to you, he is the one who cake-eats, he is the one who throws you the crumbs, he is the one who lies to you and strings you along. Place your anger there, because the OW could be ANY WOMAN. She isn't really special, you know. It isn't about HER. The affair is, and always has been, about your WAYWARD HUSBAND. Read this, and see how much more sense this makes:


I do suppose there is somthing I need or feel I need to deal with when it comes to MY WAYWARD HUSBAND.....I just dont know what that isl....it is like I want to get back at MY WAYWARD HUSBAND...make MY WAYWARD HUSBAND feel the pain HE has caused me..



when in fact as you said it really has nothing to do with the other woman.....I suppose it is just much easier to not like her than it is him. And look, here is where you return to talk about your WH...yet you distanced your own anger just a few sentences earlier by going on about the OW.


I ask myself why can I not accept things and move on.... And then you immediately change the subject again, just as you came close!!!!! You were THERE, mishes. You were right THERE, looking right at the ANSWER!!! You said:





Don't lose yourself by changing the subject, mishes. Watch that habit. Start reading your posts after you hit submit, and do what I just did. Find your gems. They are there!!!!!!

You are not pathetic - you are wounded
Youve been in the middle of a battlefield for five years, and wonder why you are wounded!!

Find refuge and heal.

Go very dark. You need to grieve and you cant do that where you are. Then the sun will come out.

What are you waiting for?

SB,

Once again, amazing. You compliment this forum like so many others in a unique way that is only your own. Thanks for that. Your words hit home with me so far from marriage but that are relevant in so many other ways. All of you do...love MB for that.

I'm keeping Staples in business with paper sales!

Mishes...are you listening?

Mishes,

My mother was very much like you. Want to know what got my dad to wake up? It was when she said, "I've had enough!"

She quit begging, pleading, crying and suddenly focused on her and her needs. She went to the gym, got in the best shape of her life, and quit looking for attention from my dad.

He suddenly realized he might lose her. But he still cheated again!

She filed and the tables were turned, but that was a point of no return. They divorced. It was one betrayal too many.

This is why the MB plan works. If my mother had followed Plan B, she could have shut my dad out, shielded herself from the abuse of continued betrayals, left him with a path to follow with specific conditions he had to meet in order to return to the marriage, and may have been able to save her marriage.

But she didn't do that. She did plan C (in her defense, she didn't know anything about MB and neither did I. This was back in 1998).

Your next step is Plan B. You have to go to that before you go do divorce.

So write out a plan B letter and prepare yourself to completely shut him out of your life in every way. You lay out in that letter what the criteria is that he must meet.

Others can weigh in on that criteria, but it boils down to this:

He must cutoff all contact with OW forever. Completely get her out in every way.

He must agree to complete transparency with you and give you every single bit of info on him such as his passwords, email accounts, and cell records.

He must eliminate every bit of evidence of her in his life. If she touched it, slept on it, wore it, or otherwise had any contact with any item ever, it must go in the trash.

He must write a no contact letter approved by you.

Only until he agrees with all of the above should you even consider taking him back in any way.

But you must take this step.

Watch what happens when you grow a spine.

Right now he's cake eating. He know he can come back to you because you always accept his scraps. Well, remove that security. Show him that isn't he case.

While you're at it, scare the he77 out of him by filing for a legal separation, spousal support, and child support for your oldest son.

Find out if you're in a state with alienation of affection laws and file one against the OW if you can.

But go dark and use that to focus on you. Plan B isn't about winning back the WS. It's about shielding you, allowing you to heal, and then clearing your mind on what path you wish to follow. It's about empowering you.

So stop trying to make sense of him. You'll never figure that out. Take control of your own life.

Not following this will lead to more of the same. Time to shake the apple cart.