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#2536891 08/20/11 10:01 AM
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My husband and I have been separated after an affair ofhis for almost five yers. We reconcilled (i thought) a few times only for me to find out he was still seeing her. Here is my question. From time to time I will click on her face book just to see what may or may not be on there....I noticed this week that she has posted her name as his name then a N and then her name followed by OUR last name and then hers. It almost appears as if she is using his last name. She also has set up a face book page for him with the same heading. I brought this up to him and of course (he plays both sides of the fence) he said he would take care of it and did not know about either face book page...he does not want his pictures evben on it...he says I noticed last night she has her daughter nlisted on my husbands page as a daughter of his....I am livid as my children would be if they knew this.....how can I handle this?


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Originally Posted by mishes
She also has set up a face book page for him with the same heading. I brought this up to him and of course (he plays both sides of the fence) he said he would take care of it and did not know about either face book page...

Is he still in touch with her? How would he take care of this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by mishes
(he plays both sides of the fence)

Can you be more specific? What does this mean exactly?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He is living with her

He plays both sides of the fence......he wants to keep things friendly between us so if things fall a part there...he thinks he would...or could come back here....in the past it has been a pattern...I am MU*CH stronger now


DDI - November 26, 2006
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You can be upset but the fb is the least of your problems. Plan C in progress.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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plan c?


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Originally Posted by mishes
He is living with her

He plays both sides of the fence......he wants to keep things friendly between us so if things fall a part there...he thinks he would...or could come back here....in the past it has been a pattern...I am MU*CH stronger now

huh? Why are you talking to him at all? crazy Shouldn't the divorce be final by now?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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You've been a member here since 2006, been separated for 5(?) years, and NOW the fact that WH is moving on to the next level of betrayal is bothering you?

Good Lord, woman, what is delaying your termination of this shell of a relationship?

Forget for a moment the fact that he has the ability to hurt you with these kinds of things. Focus instead on the fact that you've forfeited the opportunity to move on and create a better life for you and your children, while you play the "Gee, I hope someday he will return" mind-game with yourself.

Pull the pin and toss the grenade, already!

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Originally Posted by mishes
in the past it has been a pattern...I am MU*CH stronger now

mishes, there is nothing "strong" about making yourself available to be abused. That is the path of weakness. That is what weak women do. Part of the reason your husband is so wayward is because you have enabled him by hanging around.

Move on. Divorce him, stop talking to him. He is an abuser who is only using you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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mishes,

Let me tell you a TRUE story. Do with it what you want.


My sister, let's call her Mary, was married for 18 years to her husband. Let's call him Rob. Mary was an affair-type woman. Oh heck, let me say this right now, Mary got around. A LOT. She slept with Rob's brother (he is rumored to be the father of Rob and Mary's first child). Mary slept with her daughter's husband, too, later on.

Anyway.

So, Mary has an affair with a married man, around the 16th year of the marriage (this guy happened to be unrelated to the family, just for fun I suppose).

After about two years or so, Mary decided she didn't want to be married anymore, because she wanted to be free to marry her affair partner.

This gets good.

So, she and Rob divorce. Rob was devastated. He had loved Mary since they were in grade school. He had endured the affair with his brother, and other infidelities along the way.

Mary boots him out, keeps the four children and the house. Rob leaves with nothing, except Mary's disdain, hatred, vilification, and disgust - as though he is the person who did something terrible.

Oh. He also takes along his broken heart.

Rob remarries, about five years later, after pulling together the pieces of his life. Only, he still carried a torch for Mary, and everyone knows that.

Mary continued to date her married man. He did not divorce his wife as Mary planned. He stayed with his wife "for the kids". Then, after the kids graduated from high school NINE YEARS LATER, he continued to date Mary, along with all of the other women he was cheating on his wife with.

Mary felt like she was being cheated on. By her adultery partner of 11 years....then 12, then 13, then.....ultimately they were adultery partners for over TWENTY FOUR YEARS.

He never once offered marriage. He did, however, offer the job to her to take care of his house and horses while he left town to visit his out-of-town lovers. AND SHE DID IT.

Meanwhile, Rob was married quite awhile to wife number two. They divorced a few years ago.


Rob is still in love with Mary. Mary actually strings him along, by being Facebook friends with him, calling him from time to time, and asking him to do her favors.

Behind Rob's back???? She says things about him - that he is stupid, that he makes her uncomfortable by looking at her with his puppy dog eyes, that she knows she could have him back by snapping her fingers, what a fool he is, etc.




I guess I am asking you, exactly how long do YOU plan to be ROB?


Because I am pretty sure he did not plan to be this way for over a quarter of a century.


And Mary completely believes she is justified in treating him like dirt. She lets everyone know it, too. On the INTERNET.





SB



Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
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Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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You both are right....I am pathetic
I am better than I was but never have gotten over it
I dont divorce him because I think this is what SHE wants so she can marry him.
It is pathetic to keep on...why does he do this? If he cared at all he would have her change or delete that page.


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Originally Posted by mishes
You both are right....I am pathetic
I am better than I was but never have gotten over it
I dont divorce him because I think this is what SHE wants so she can marry him.
It is pathetic to keep on...why does he do this? If he cared at all he would have her change or delete that page.

crazy

If he cared he wouldn't be living with his affair partner.

If he cared, he wouldn't have had an affair.

Dark. Plan. B.

File.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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If he cared at all he would have her change or delete that page.


But you already know that he doesn't care, why do you expect to find otherwise?

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I dont divorce him because I think this is what SHE wants so she can marry him.


So you live your life in limbo in a futile effort to spite a POSOW? How's it working for you? The best revenge is living well. Divorce this loser, get the financial support you have coming to you, get out and meet new people and spend time with old friends, and your kids.

Show your kids the facebook page, in fact show EVERYONE the facebook page to include her family and friends. Then tell your kids you're getting a divorce because you're going to treat yourself to a better life.

Got news for you - if they do get married it won't last. She who laughs last, laughs best. Live for yourself mishes.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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mishes,

You can choose to stay anchored right where you are.

The scenery will never change. You may very well love the constant view of the other woman from your boat.

You could also choose to weigh anchor, sail away to a yet-unknown new and distant port.

You chart your own course.


Have you considered that they have you exactly in the port they want you to be in?


That your situation - is working for THEM?


And that each day, month, year, that passes, suits THEM just fine. Financially, emotionally, in every way. The status quo works for THEM. And it will not change - because :::::::::


IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.


They are selfish.
They are doing what pleases them.
It works for them.


YOU are not in their equation, mishes.



Yet you are anchored, watching from your boat, believing they are watching from shore.

They are not.


Because they are in their self-centered world. Your long-lost-wayward husband is completely content suiting himself and serving his own needs.


And he will continue, just as my sister has, just has her affair partner did


FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.


It does not occur to them that anyone else in the world exists, and furthermore, they would not care if the thought DID occur to them.



Weigh anchor.
Chart a new course.

But first, you need to fire the current Captain you have, because whoever that is, hasn't been doing much work in course-charting of late smile


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Originally Posted by mishes
I dont divorce him because I think this is what SHE wants so she can marry him.

That is crazy, mishes. Who cares what she wants? What is best for YOU? What is best for you is to divorce him and move on.

The best revenge would be to divorce him so she CAN marry him! She deserves a cheater for husband! By marrying him she leaves an opening for his new mistress.


Quote
It is pathetic to keep on...why does he do this? If he cared at all he would have her change or delete that page.

The question is not why does he do this, but why do you do this? Why do you relegate control of your life to 2 waytards?

Get divorced, mishes! If an affair has not died in 2 years, it is hopeless. There is nothing to save here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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More like how long do you plan to be ROBBED of your life?

Your xwh is a USER and is enjoying this life he has created and that YOU HAVE ENABLED.

Never ever should a lifestyle like this be encouraged.

Please get some IC here, and maybe learn how to begin anew. You need to extricate yourself legally from him and GET A GOOD PLAN for a personal recovery now. Divorce this cad and cheater. Let the skank have her "prize" for he is NO prize.

How long do you decide to continue being a mentally abused wife? How long will you allow this to go on? Meanwhile your kids are seeing you OK WITH THIS crappy life arrangement and are LEARNING how to be a doormat, and how to have a bad marriage from seeing you take it from this jerk.

Please have some self respect and seek out a way to heal from this. Pick up yourself off the floor, dust off the "welcome" on your back, and seek a solution to end this nightmare and begin your life anew.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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He is living with her
Then, Game Over. End this horrific abuse. You deserve better. Do not allow him to play you in order to gratify his emotional needs. I'm sorry, mishes, but this is unacceptable for you as a human who deserves respect and dignity.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Mishes, please find yourself a mean bulldog attorney to handle this divorce for you and cite as your grounds adultery and MENTAL CRUELTY (if you live in a fault state) and then also seek a good IC for yourself to deprogram yourself after living for years within this systematic abuse.

You have to pull yourself out of this. We cannot do it for you.

You must BE the mom, BE the woman, BE the grownup now and take responsibility for where your life is now, before your kids are forever scarred from your lack of action and are PROGRAMMED that THIS is how marriage is supposed to work and they're screwed up for life.

you have a chance to end this and start a beautiful new life NOW. Seize the day.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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I know and as stupid as it may sound....what a waste we had everything....I thought


DDI - November 26, 2006
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I guess i dont have much self respect or dignity left...just never thought...God help me is all I can hope for



DDI - November 26, 2006
DDII - May 28, 2007
Married 20 years
3 childre - m/24, m/17, f/12
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