Have not been able to post here for a couple of months. Cannot recall or find my last post title at that time. So just brief summary. Married 42 years, W needing managed care due to fires and history of mental illness. Now out of state in a nursing home. Her, one of the most beautiful people you would ever want to meet. Her, age 66, me age 69, two grown childten. Her, enticed out of state by her brother and sis in law a few months ago due to fact that her care was partly funded by her deceased dad's trust for her, now administrated by her sis in law.

Enticed because she was shown an independent living facility which we could both have lived together at for a long while. Would take some of Her funds which her brother and sil withheld, so now she is out of state and in a bad bad senior facility. Me, an angry husband who didn't have the finances to keep us together, so am guessing I should just sacrafice the marriage for sake of her bro and sil not gettign upset.

Her, upset she made the decision to move from the nursing home here. She did not tell me or my son or dau. when she did this back in May becasue she wanted to get out of there so badly.

Her bro. - has tried to block my calls to her. Diden't work as I had to call their local police a week ago to get my call thru. Worked they did their job, and we finally taked. Bro retaliated with threat that I stated I would kill him to police. They took no action, required him not to contact me.

He is her POA which she did a couple of years ago for her trust fund. So he holds the cards.

When I came on here a year or so ago I never anticipated this.

Talked to her again tonight. It is really sad for me that I cannot be with her and hold her and really discuss how we could work out being together again. Am not funded not to take this on legally or physically. Have been depressd the last few weeks in this. Now getting out of it on my own and no medications. Do not believe in that. If I were hit by a car I would walk away tall and die in the woods and refuse all socalled med attention. That is me, can't change,

Just to clarify, for those of you here how may prejudge, went to Mass this morning, so I feel my soul is in tune with Christ.

This will get resolved - I believe in the "trust in you" prayer to Christ. Just is hard with human nature. It has taken an abundance of help from above for me not to make things worse, but to try to make things better.

No, this is not a situation of betrayel (except from her family)**edit**.

As far as the sad sad betrayed guys here, get on your horse!

Tom

What can we do to help you, Tom? And why haven't you been able to post?

Oh Marital this isn't even worth saying.

Take your husband tonight and love him! Can't do that yet with Char. Ah I just needed a friend to talk with tonight is all. Went to Mass this morning, so I know I have the opporunity to be better. It just hurts so bad that she is there and I am here and that we really long to be together. Yea well so a couple of women came to front of my condo this evening from here and admired the flowers. I have alot of geraniums and salvias and yea they are realky nice. Could not care less about those girls in my frame of mind and so even tho I wasn't crude, I didn't respond. They went away and problely laughed all the way at me an uptight gray-haired sob. I simply love my wife and will not violate that, as if they were really interested in me...*s* but no I will not violate out fidelity.

As far as what could be done to help - I posted honestly here awhile ago, and I have done that before, and it hurts when a few here seem privileged to castigate.

Wnet to Confession a week ago and by God Marital the priest got me right. He asked me what is happy in your life and he recognized nothing. Penance, get out of the boat and try to walk with Him, meaning, get out take chances, do colunteer work, keep in contact with my wife, enjoy and encourage our adult kids, and get outside of myself. I am now trying. Volunteering for most unwanted help in volunteering now for the homeless in our community.

Marital you are a saint for even asking! As far as how you can help me there is nothing but I would love to find another friend thru this. There are times honestly when I have felt like drinking or lonely and maybe looking more closely at another woman. Can't do it. And sometimes that makes me feel like a fool. But know what godammit, I am still on my horse for my Char and I am not about to give in to falling off. Not John Wayne, but more like Burt Lancaster ...*s* movie I saw other night. It is still a fact that Char was mislead in relocating to a nursing home out-of-state, and is being denied access to funds her dad set up for her (based on long history of mental illness) which could help us be together. It is not any kind of welfare it is simply sibling spite and dishonesty and that is what is so hard for me to fight without getting crude.

So basically mariatl she is there and I am here and well I feel we will be together sometime but yea I would love to coldcock her brother who conrtols this. That is what hurts - that I would want to do this, and that we are apart. This is what I am going to be working on by just trying to let myself out and doing some volenteer work to get outside of myself.

Thanks marital,

Tom

Darn, Tom - that's got to be discouraging. I can't blame you for being frustrated, but I commend you for honoring your marriage and your beliefs.

Volunteering is a great way to help others and get outside of yourself. It's good to hear you've chosen this avenue!

Chin up, Tom

Tom,

You do know that your wife can revoke POA at any time she wishes, right?

It is a standard practice that the right to revoke POA is written within the language of the POA declaration.

Tom,

You seriously need to involve an advocate on behalf of you and your wife. If you cannot afford an attorney, begin at the local social services department. Most have a unit on aging. If they cannot assist you directly, they can probably advice you on who can.

You do have rights as the spouse, POA or not, and, as Hold says, you can change the POA. If it's a matter of who is going to finance her long term care, you both would be eligible for medicare longterm care benefits, depending upon your assets.

If I read properly, the brother is financial POA which he did because of this family trust fund.

No matter, her money, her life. He CAN be removed as POA with just a word.

I would start by reporting the brother for abuse of a vulnerable adult, which the state can and will enforce.

First of all thank you all much for the support and tolerance. Especially you Marital. And thank you HHH. And yes that is true except for the fact that she has been diagnosed with dementia.

When I talked to her today, gave her the contact I have with he Dept. of Aging in her state. They handle several things from the discussion I had - namely non-disclosure of her assets from her deceased dad and and interuptiing communication within family. I say the latter because the nursing home she is in now was apparently instucted by her brother and sister in law to block. That took a few weeks, Talked to the admin there and no acceptable response or resolve, until I filed a complaint with the local police, and they had to go on premises and made sure she could call me. Now whoever I talk with there to get in touch with her they are very cordial and helpful. Some red faces down there in NC and rightly so!

Tom,

Get a hold of that state's mandatory reporting hotline. Also, see if you can get a hold of the state ombudsman.

I can honestly see no reason why you should have to spend a dime in this. BECAUSE of your wife's dementia diagnosis, she is classified as a vulnerable adult, and her brother's actions as POA (becoming POA, moving her away from her lifelong spouse) he very well may be able to be charged with financial abuse of a vulnerable adult. The law is the law.


So, checklist;

Mandatory Reporting hotline for the state in which she currently resides.

Elder care ombudsman for the state in which she currently resides.

It may ALSO be worth it to do the same for your state, the state from which she was moved - the fact that he had her cross state lines may count against him. I don't know. I'm not a elder abuse lawyer, I just provide elder care.

This is, however, how I know that POA declarations include clauses that the POA can be revoked at any time. Every resident with a POA in the facility I work in has this clause in the declaration - and this includes separate POA declarations for finances and healthcare, sometimes the same person, sometimes a separate person.

One thing you might look into is a disinterested party to act as POA - the most common POA representatives I have seen are nieces and nephews, or family friends.

With her family trust fund, a conflict of interest may be presented with her brother's POA involvement.

Well done, Tom! Don't let a bunch of bureaucrats take away your rights!

And listen carefully to HHH - I am not well-versed in Guardianship law. HHH has a lot of good info for you.

I have to split this up because my key board is acting up.

Marital yea am wanting to volunteer, but not that simple. When I was back in college in Madison, and yea going with Char, I called in to a liberal radio station regarding some woman claimig she was diabled and denided benefits. Like a fool I volunteered to attemtp to help her. I was about 23 at the time. Well yea I did drive to talk with her to try to help
with some sympathy and recources, but know what, turned out she was fat, she was a cheat, and I felt betrayed. Never have forgotten that and for good reason.

Well, this is just my opinion but there are truly saints. No, not the immature idiots who come on here hoping for a Harley miracle which will tansform their lives, or those who so boldly turn their faces from their brothers and sisters, and the innocent children in Somalia, the depressed and in danger of taking their lives. My wife is a saint, in a small way. She has compassion and mercy, much more than I have. She is yes a very desirable red haired beauty but she is an honest woman and person. I miss so much being with her and watching movies or whatever with her. This is why I feel even more apprehenive than when we dated.

Thanks All,

Tom

You're a good man, Tom. Stay the course. Be patient. I'm sorry you have to go through this. {{{Tom}}}

Hello,

One thing I forgot to say is yea I have two cats. Well they are both of ours, my wife and me.

Some of you wouldnt believe how much pleasure and peace could come with that. Two cats - Mitzie and Rusty. And my god they are treasured. Of course I love to tease. Bought those catnip mice and well you can guess. When I am sitting here in the lounger and watching a mocie or sports and tease either by putting that little catnip mouse on my leg they leap and their ears go back. Then I tossed it up and Rusty leapt and tred to bite it to death. Then Mitzie tried to grab that play mouse. and they just batted each other. I laughed so hard at that that I almost lost my breath but I felt is was healthy for me. I still can't stop laughing. Cats just atared at me when I was laughing as if to tell me "what's with you dude"

Just another expression.

Tom

Once you realize that they are the owners of the house, you've got it made. We've got a stray cat that we found (or rather, she found us.)Absolutely beautiful - a tortoiseshell, and I was stunned that she was a stray. She is now the owner of the house.

But she refuses to make the mortgage payments.

Oh my god...well that name with a capital G


But, you made me laugh heartily and that is good. I can't tell you how many time the past few weeks I have laughed at them - our cats - but it is delightful. Char used to get upset the way I spent time teasing them, but we both laughed about it lots after she slapped me upside down. Problem is they don't conribute to food purchases at all here. Don't even contribure to the water bill! If Mitzie could finally stop pawing on the bedroom door opening it and hopping one the bed at 5am I might be able to get a full night sleep. But, on the other hand, what are ya going to do with a purring female who hope into your bed at that hour! *s*

Tom

And ps, thank you.

HHH,

I sincerely apprecaiate your adice. I am not discouting you due to my silly response to Marital, but I just feel very good tonight. As good as I can be in living without her.

I have filed a compliant with both the NC Attorney General office as well as Dept. of Aging. Did that last few days.

I want our daughter who is a very mature person to take over. She knows this and is willing to, but brother will probably go to court. I gave my wife all the contact and resource infor mation that I have gatered in last few weeks. I just want her to initiate because I feel it would be much more vaild than coming from me at this point. If it was a case of physical abuse as it was last year at the nursing home in this area and had to call police several times and engage Ombudsman from IL Dept of Elder Care and couselors from that agency visited her there in that nursing home several times to make sure she was physically and emotionally well - much to the dismay of the nursing home admin who I had words with to say the least.

It's just going to be a battle HHH and I realize it. North Carolina is not exactly the most intellegent nor progressive state in our nation.

Thank you much for your advice, going to review it and think about next steps. All I can say/

Tom

Ya know what Marital,

It's just simply people like you and all the others on here who really do help others keep going. It's as simple as that. No I am not going to find the highest bridge or building to jump from, but sometimes I feel lonely and in need of help is all.

Okay, now is late here... had lots to do today.. but now a Gary Cooper film and pizza - frozen genuine Gino's pizza from Chicago. When char asked me what I was going to eat tonight and I told her the Gino's I could almost sense she was drooling and almost felt her slap me over the phone because I could not invite her here tonight. Of course Mitzie will probably attempt to lick and dance on the pizza after I take it our of the oven and if i walk away from the kitchen counter for even a few minutes. She loves pizsa but never pays for it! *s*

Anyway, take care,

Tom

Tom,

Next time you come to NC to see Char would you like a few loaner kitties? I have 6 now, down from 7. There's one one the couch, two kittens playing tag down the hall, one on the lounger, and one on the ottoman.

Cats are incredible, love my 'children'!

Hope all works out for you and Char. If there's anything I can do for you I'm in the Winston area, I'd be happy to help. I work too much, play too little, and no very few people up here, but if you need me let me know.

Hope, I would not want to be there now, but I thank you. Tropical depession if not a hurricane pedicted to hit in a few days at about SAE part of NC where she is at. Talkded to her earlier today and and they aren't going to accept any more calls until this is over due to keeping lines open.

Progress tho, she gave me the name and number of her psychiatrist she is seeing there. That is important. Her dr. told her to tell me to contact her to provide her with Char's history as I know it and to give her family's side. She did call NC Dept. of Aging today, got rushed around. I suspect she became confused and didn't get to the right person. She asked me to call which I damn well will now to present her case. I understand her situation and her frustration in not being able to get to the right person. When it gets a little confusing or tough she tends to give up. This is no way a criticism of her because she did the best she was capable of doing. I just wanted her to try to do this on her own with my backing. So now I will gladly pick this up for her.

Now I have another situation. A young woman here in the complex was walking her dog earlier today and is a really grand dog, retriever. Well we talked a little while and one thing got to another and she knows I have cats she sees them staring out the ground level patio window. She's divorcing has to sell and move from here and doesn't think she can keep this dog. She asked me if I would be interested before she has to go to a shelter with the dog and I have to admit I asked her to give me a couple of days. A beautiful very friendly golden retriever and just three years. I am an easy sucker for animals but problem is if dog and our cats could be integrated. I am seriosly contemplating but I don't want to upset the household here.

Hope all of you are as well as can be.

Tom

Hi Tom,

if the dog is a calm retriever and your cats are generally fairly chilled, there should be no real problem, keep the dog on a lead for a while, till you are sure, but I have always had dogs and cats together, while the dogs would chase outside cats the inside ones...ie his or her cats, all was fine with much mutual grooming and obvious affection.

Might take time but I would go for it, you clearly clicked with this hound!!

It will also make you get out, take excersise and meet people. Nice for Char too when she comes home, cos I am sure she will...soon.

Well. How interesting, Tom. Here you are, away from your wife and open to some companionship, and along comes a beautiful golden retriever who would make a wonderful companion. Consider that this is no accident and think hard about taking him into your home. Your cats' noses will be out of joint about it for awhile, but I'll bet they'll all get along just fine.

A large dog showed up at our house years ago. I didn't want to take on the added responsibility of a big dog, along with my children, but reluctantly took him in because Animal Control was going to take him. (And the kids had already named him, so what was I to do )

He was a joy. We lost him to cancer a few years ago. I still miss him and take comfort in the joy he brought into our home.

Just a few points tonight. Tanam my wife brought home a Samoyed back in 1988 when we lived in our house and our kids were young. She didn't even tell me when I got home from work that day - and I believe it was around August as well - and we had three cats then. I feel she had a great life with us and was much loved, and she had our big back yard at that time to run in. She died in '99 partly due to hip displasia which affects large dogs and the impact on her.

Well tonight took a leap. This gal stopped by on her way home from work asked me what I thought and said yes. So we agreed that she would bring her over to stay here for a couple of days starting in a little while. She's being cautious and really it is good. I'm not sure and neither is she and this is a trial thing but have to admit Im apprehensive and excited but feel bad for her tho. I can't imagine the feelings of having to give up a friend. This is just me but I feel I am not going to get much sleep tonight staying up and making sure everyone is calm. Have a couple of Netflix films so. well anyway.

Did talk to Char late this afternoon. Communications there In NC must be overloaded or strained because it took her awhile to get thru. I doubt I am going to be able to do much in terms of resolving this as I was put on hole by Dept. of Aging today for half an hour and I guess due to large number of calls.

By way Marital I didn't mention to Char about dog. I just don't want to do that until and if she becomes part of family.

Thank you all, and I would much rather live in Green Bay WI right now than in NC... *s*

Tom

I think that's a fine idea, Tom.

Your story reminds me of my neighbors. They had gotten a Golden about seven years ago, as a puppy. About five years ago they saw an ad in the paper about another Golden who needed a home. As it happened, the owners of the dog were divorcing. The wife had become wayward after her H went for a tour of duty in Afghanistan, and had sent him a Dear John letter.

Well, 'John' came home to find that she had moved herself and the kids out, lock, stock & barrel. And she considered the dog a possession of her BH's and didn't want it. Poor John had to move into an apartment that didn't take dogs, so he had to give the Golden away.

Enter my neighbors. They answered the ad, picked up the Golden, and I'm happy to report that Toby is living the life of Riley now and bringing joy to my neighbors every day.

well she's here with me now an just now laying out on the patio. I got a leash dog food and her dish now so am prepared for the worst. I'm really just kidding because she is really very gentle. She is honest to god sitting on the patio with her nose in the air - it's evening here - smelling like a fresh carpet and a clean bathroom. That's bacause I powered her with a combination of glade carpet deoderizer and baking soda to prevent any threat of mosquitoe bites and the west nile which is getting harsh here now. It is serious here and no way is she goiing to be a victum of this. Shee just looked at me while I powdered her and I think she feels trust and well she melted me.

You are right marital about the akin to animals which God gave us. Char has always told me you can tell a person by way he/she is around pets.

Tom

I'll say it again, Tom - you're a good man. And a good human. I'm looking forward to hearing what you've named the new addition to your home.

Just a word. Those of you who do have family and loved ones on the coast hope they are safe as well as those who are trying to travel. Couldn't reach Char tonight but I understand, power outage and satelite interference.

I pretty much know she is safe - she's near the coast there -but just wish I could be there with her now.

Tom

Prayers going up for you and Char, Tom. I'm sure she's fine.

Harve tried to get thru to Char last couple of days. Busy signal and is what I assumed with power outage and maybe towers down.

Meantime yea family has expanded. A new dog now and she feels at home. But of course I get her out early and then a couple of times more. She seems so very realaxed and that is good because I am too now. Cats well they are standoffish now. Got her last cerfificate and tag from her previous owner last night then saw her move with a van here, so no recourse now as I really did do it. Marital she was called Rusty. That is name of one of our cats. So new name is Goldie. She's starting to respond now.

Tom

Tom, good for you! Goldie will love her new name and new home! Your cats? They'll get over it I'm very happy to hear about your new addition to the family. You will never regret bringing Goldie into your home! Good job, Tom! You have been blessed with that little girl.

I'm sure Char is fine. I was tracking the storm to see what impact it might have on our posters. But let us know she's okay, Tom!

Hello Marital,

Thank you for your concern first of all. Char is fine, talked with her yesterday and more today. They were hunkered down in the facility and had to rely on their generator when the power went out Sat. Their main concern was the flooding but it didn't reach that point where she is. I admit to being friehtened when I kept getting busy signals when I tried to call over weekend and my son and dau encountered that too. I finally got thru to the local police dept. early Sunday morning and they confirmed that everyone seemed safe.

Goldie, well what can I say. She seems more at home here than the cats do now but they seem to be calming. A few days with hissing and spitting with the cats - typical of females I guess *s* - but seriously now in the evenings they all lay in the living room while I'm watching a movie or TV. I've made a point to get her out several times a day on that path and forest area in back of us for walks and by night she is tired. She is a gem tho! Other morning we saw a herron one of those long-necked birds just standing in the stream. I know Goldie wanted to be let loose she kept looking at me and then just kept staring at the herron and didn't budge. It was a good experience for both of us to be out in nature here.

Tom

That is one well-behaved dog. Most dogs would pull your arm off to get to something like that.

Hi Karma,

She really is well-behaved. Her previous owner didn't have opportunity to have her outside much except for bathroom chores but I do and we've taken some long walks and I sense she thrives on them and realizes it's a forest preserve we are walking in and that all other animals are protected. I think she knows she can look but not touch!

Tonight is awful tho in terms of humidity here and encourageing the mosquito population. Was out talking with a few people earlier and we felt them. I had to take her for a walk so I patted her coat lightly with Off. Then back in I wiped her down some to remove the residue. Maybe stupid but I don't think so - wouldn't be enough there to make her sick but wanting to protect her.

She's fine ..just is looking at me just after I coated the meathloaf I'm baking for tonight with ketsup, brown sugar, and chili powder, and hoping. Marital, she is a love. I did tell Char I did this and she cant's wait to see her. I firmly believe we can't wait to see each other but she dearly loves animals.

Tom

One of the first breakthru's that I had hoped for after over a year and it came from her doing. A face to face meeting with her and her brother. She and I have been talking about her changing POA for the last few weeks and ad infinitum. That happened, her appointing him when she was upset with me not defending her as I should have after the fire almost exactly two years ago.

Tom

Tom, are you saying that Char is agreeing to revoke the POA that she gave to her brother, and give YOU POA instead?

Well first of all I am very happy to see that President Obama recognized that he could not interfere with a Green Bay Packer nationally televised game - especially the opening game of the season with the Saints - and even think of initially scheduling his jobs address to the nation later next Thursday everning to interfere in this! So, I am thankful he rescheduled. Unfortunately, it means that his rescheduling of his address to an earlier time that evening means that most of the nation will be in rush hour traffic driving home from their visits to their unemployment offcies! I am not making light of the plight of the unemployed people - just of Washington DC!

Anyway Marital, yes and at least as of yesterday when I talked to her. She seems to have been thinking of this for awhile and I believe this is her intent. I don't think tho that I have expressed our situation well in that this whole ordeal is complicated with her short-term memory loss and panic attack/paranoia syndrome. No it isn't like she doesn't know who I am or know who our kids are or know I or they called yesterday. It has to do with any kind of changes. Just as an example, when I gave her the telephone number for the Dept. of Aging Ombudsman agency there and advised her what to tell them, when I heard back from her after she called them she said she felt they ignored her and the person diminished her. I don't believe that tho. I feel it was she didn't express herself adn her concern. I asked her to take this on herself in terms of the initial contact because I felt the whole situation would be best coming from her. Another couple of examples are that when I had to get the police there awhile ago to investigate why they were not accepting calls from me or family the officer who followed up with me told me she appeared confused and didn't realize calls were blocked. Also, when I used to bring her back to the nursing home here she would go into panic mode and it was like she rushed around panicky and you could not even talk with her in the present.

I was able to talk with her psychiatrist down there today. She is the one who suggested that Char is prone to panic modes now. She said that Char hasn't fully recovered from her last suicide attempt last spring and that she suspects that she has sufficent brain damage now from overdoses that is permanent and cause these states. I gave her the name of her former dr. here who has seen her for about 30 years. She is going to have Char sign a release form and send it to me to complete and mail to her former dr. here to realease her records to her. Then she will have the info to prescribe some additional exams.

The real problem is that apparently POA is legally more potent than that of a husband (or wife for the matter) when someone is deemed mentally insufficient. Especially down there! Her dr. realizes this and also told me that she isn't 'that impressed' with her brother and sister-in-law, realizes Char's best bet is to be back here. I don't care that much about her funds and obviously it would be a financial hardhip to have here here now again but that I would gladly accept. Within this the POA she gave includes Medical POA and that is hard to fight. I feel her new dr. realizes this and is going to help but as she said it is going to take some time. As far as any meeting now tho that Char wants with her brother, it isn't going to happen. Would be fruitless right now. So according to her, game plan is this 1) me assiting her in getting her past records, 2) her (dr.) comlpeting her evaulation and hearing from me and our kids that she was duped into going down there based on a promise she would live in an assisted care facility at a time that she was vulnerable (last spring after the attempt), 3) getting a statement from her former counselor in the nursing home here as to her condition just before she left, 4) being assureed by Char that she wants to live under care of her immediate family and not extended family, and 5) getting her to a stage where she can vailidly revoke current POA.

Tom