Hi folks,

I'm a former browser and occasional poster who now has need of you all. Been married 12 years, 3 kids B-11/B-8/G-5. We've had our ups and downs but a lot of good times too. In January my W got a new job. Shortly thereafter she changed her diet, lost a lot of weight (she wasn' heavy beforehand)and looks amazing. She had mentioned this guy at work (Scott)who dresses great and has great hair. Shortly after she started her new job she started going out every weekend drinking and partying with "friends" while I stayed home with the kids. She also started wearing hot V.S. underwear/bras to work every day. She used to wear that stuff for me for sf but hasn't since she started the new job. About a month ago I discovered she had gone on the pill in June without telling me. I also found out she had met on a Saturday in our house with Scott to celebrate his birthday. She had gone and bought a sexy, tight NY Yankes t-shirt (he likes the Yankees) and also wore hot black V.S. panties and bra for the "celebration" while I was at Scout camp with the boys and she had pawned off our daughter on her sister for 5 hours. I confronted her about all of this and of course she denied everything (except that he was in the house but she said nothing happened). In fact she was chomping at the bit with her "reasons" for everything. She was far too ready with answers as cheaters are. In fact of course she turned everything back on me that all our problems are my fault and that she's been unhappy for 2 years (never told me that but apparently told everyone in her network including Scott). To me things were tough but as manageable as life can be with three young kids. She also went to a "seminar" on a Friday with him though their jobs have nothing to do with each other. They drove down together and stayed overnight and came back Saturday. I've been to enough classes and seminars to know that they all end early on Friday so people can get home to their families. I just recently found out she had taken a personal day that week which I knew nothing about. So apparently there was no seminar and they just went away together. I have also recently learned that she has purchased over $1,200 in Lingerie, clothes and tanning services in the past few months that she didn't tell me about (note she gives me all her receipts to input into our budget for the past 11 1/2 years and now she's keeping key receipts from me). She has also taken up just leaving the house most evenings at the drop of a hat to go get one thing at the store and it always takes 30 minutes to an hour longer than it should for the errand. I just learned today that she is texting this guy regulary (I found her at&t PW)but deletes them as soon as she is done and, as I suspected, as soon as she gets in her car for the "errand" she is on the phone with him. I have purchased a digital voice recorder with Voice Activation to plant in her car and my sister is getting me the number of a PI. I want to start that next week because she has some very suspicious "nights out" coming up including an over-nighter with a "girlfriend" at a yet unspecified place.

She tells me that I am the entire problem and I have to change and she doesn't need to do anything. Note, I cook, clean, do laundry, get the kids ready for and to school, get them their showers, baths at night and put them to bed. I have always given her full body massages multiple times aweek and head massages and I've always tried to take care of her sexually. I basically wait on her hand and foot. I take the kids to soccer practices and games. I coach their baseball and basketball teams ansd am a scout leader and yet somehow I am the evil one.

First of all am I crazy for thinking what I'm thinking? And second is there hope to come back from something like this? Note he has a 5 year old daughter but complains to my W that his W is a b****. He's also made sure my wife knows what his salary is (who does that unless your hitting on someone)

Anyway, lots happening real fast but that's all I can think of for now. My stomach is in knots Please people, help me.

Thanks,
RJ

RJ .. sorry you are here but its the best place for you to be in a time like this. Please click notify at the bottom of your post and have a moderator move this to the SSA forum.

The vets will chime in and advise you what to do next. This WREAKS! of an affair .. if not physical ... DEF emotional. Your wife has her heart sighted on another man who is meeting her needs and making her feel safe through your troubled times and is now a contrast effect to her home life.

MNG

No, this is definitely physical.

RJ, you'll get way more traffic and better-targeted help if you notify the mods and ask them to move this to SAA.

You are right to be gathering evidence. Keep quiet on any confrontations for now.

Your situation reminds me so much of me and my waywardness. There is hope, but it is going to be a lot of hard work - most assuredly on your part, but, even more importantly, on your WW's part.

I am sorry you are here, but you are in the best place you can be for this.

I think you might have married my ex-wife, because this is exactly what she did - lost weight, got sexy clothes, started disappearing for "work meetings" or "drinks with coworkers", while I stayed home with the kids and questioned my sanity. Took me 6 months to figure out that she was screwing her coworker. So no, in my mind, you are not crazy, and there is zero doubt in my mind that your wife is sleeping with this Scott guy. Zero.

As to what to do, do not do what I did, which was to try to accommodate her wishes and try to be the "perfect husband" - that will have zero impact on her, and will only make it easier for her to carry on her affair, since you will "hold the fort" while she does her thing.

The VAR is a good start, although IMO you have more than enough evidence as is. But you need to get evidence, confront her, tell the kids, tell the OM's wife, and tell the HR at their work. Exposure.

Oh, and ask your thread to be moved to the SAA forum.

AGG

Okay, partner, here's the primer:


NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put �Flexispy� on any cellphone that she might use.
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

The sooner you get started the sooner (and more likely) you can end her affair. So stop typing and get to work!

AGG,

Thanks for the checkle. It's strangely comforting to know you've been through this as well. I notice she is your ex-W. Can you give me an idea of how it all went down and why things ultimately didn't work out?

Thanks,
rj

NG,

Wow! Thanks for the list. Lots for me to start working on. I want to attack this head on but intelligently. BTW what is POSOM and AP?

rj

POSOM = piece of s*&t other man
AP = affair partner

Princess,

Love it!! (POSOM) Thanks for some laughs guys. I really need that these days.

rj

Just made an appointment with the PI for next Tuesday. I want to be proactive guys and do what it takes. Help me stay focused.

She's never away from her cell phone for long enough for me to do anything but a quick check of her texts (which are always deleted). I don't know how I can get the spy software on there without any time with the actual phone. Any thoughts?

I'll be trying out the VOR in her car this weekend

Thanks,
rj

Okay, dude, you obviously are a very honorable and straightforward guy. We will help you fix those weaknesses in your marriage-protection processes.

Access to phone? Prepare a large, filling dinner (roast turkey loaded with tryptophan would be nice). You will eat very little, and ensure that she eats very well, aloing with two/three glasses of wine. Both of you go to bed. YOU DO NOT FALL ASLEEP. When you know she's asleep, you slealthily creep out of bed, grab the phone, take it downstairs, and do what has to be done. Sneak back upstairs, replace the phone (EXACTLY!) and crawl back into bed.

Hi RJ,

sorry you're here bro. I'm guessing you do the bills as well? One thing you can do is go online, go to her phone and see her texting history (I know this works with Verizon and possibly att as well). You may not be able to see the texts, but you can track calls made and texts sent. My suggestion? Go use a payphone and call the number you think it might be. Don't say anything or just see who picks up and say, sorry, wrong number.

This will give you some verification and evidence as well. You are going to need all the evidence when you finally confront her with her affair.

Someone here also once suggested seeing if you can borrow a friends car for a day. Follow her after work and see where she goes.

Also... Don't enable her. She has responsibilities at the house. Make her take the kids with her to the store (one of the older ones), tell her it's her night to tuck them in, etc...

Cv

Welcome to Marriage Builders, rj.

Yikes! Yes, this is a physical affair, I'm sorry to say

You're off to a good start. Make sure that VAR is in the car. Get the PI on her tail as fast as you can. Hopefully he can get the goods on them before the 'overnighter' with the 'girlfriend'.

In the meantime, have you checked to see if he has a FB page? If he does, make copies of all of his friends and put them in a safe place. Also, find out contact info for his wife.

Get the names, phone numbers and email addresses of the head of their HR department, as well as that of their supervisors. If there is a President or CEO, get his/her name, phone number and email address as well.

While you're getting your ducks in a row, Plan A your WW. Are you familiar with Plan A? You don't want her to know that you are on to her yet.

NG,

Thanks man. We are going out for a dinner at a friends' house with other local couples tonight (she refuses to go out with me alone). Hopefully she'll get tanked and crash. If not she's going out drinking again tomorrow night as well as Sunday (likely light drinking Sunday). She doesn't eat much these days as she is trying to stay sexy for POSOM (love it!) but she's really taken to the whole drinking thing. That could be my chance. I'll look out for it.

rj

Hey bliss!

Whirlwind day today! He does have a FB page but won't that show if I've visited it? If so I'll need to have someone not connected to me to get the info. His wife also has a FB page and it would probably be easier for me to access her friends. I already know her name, place of work, home and work phone #'s.

I'm working on all the work contact info. She is union and he is management so that could be a good angle to scare the CEO. It's a gov't entity so everyone is there through political connections so they are VERY sensitive to any hint of scandal.

Oh by the way, I forgot to mention that about a month ago the woman who got her the job took her to lunch and warned her that the entire workplace was all atwitter that she and Scott were having an affair. So much so that she warned her I might be getting an anonymous phone call. She only ended up informing me because she got scared into some damage control CYA.

Ain't life just ducky!!

rj, can you snag it in the middle of the night and then put it back? If so, you can sneak eblaster on there in about 8 minutes as long as you pay for it beforehand. Then they send you a link to your personal email to go and download it onto the phone. you type in the URL on the phone and go from there. It will email you all text messages and chat conversations. It also has a GPS and will send you her location as often as you want. The cost on this one is $65. I think flexispy also has a GPS/text program but is pricier, around $350. I am not familiar with mobilestealth, but I know others have used it and liked it.

No, he can't tell if you visited it. I would go to his page NOW and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.

You will want to do the same with the OMW's information.

CV,

Already got the PW to her email and phone accounts. I know his cell from her contacts on her phone and have been able to verify times and dates of texts and calls. Just can't see the actual texts. I'm pretty confident she's not using her email account because she's all about texting these days.

Unfortunately I think I am going to have to continue enabling her for a while to give her enough rope to hang herself. Eventually cheaters screw up, especially if they are getting brazen and WW really thinks I'm clueless. So I'm going to be Mr. Wonderful (and frankly I'm not really doing anything much new)to reel her in. Believe me guys I can't wait to pounce. But I must be patient.

rj

t/j to Neverguessed, I just discovered through a friend that eblaster for cell phones has a GPS feature in addition to logging all texts, incoming calls, etc. It runs $65. It will send GPS locations as often as you request.

...eblaster for cell phones has a GPS feature in addition to logging all texts, incoming calls, etc...will send GPS locations as often as you request.

Hey, Pep, more engineer "goodness"!

Thanx, Mel!

Thanks folks. I'll checkout eblaster and both FB accounts asap.

rj

eblaster for mobile phones is at spectorpro.com

You need to hide a digital VAR in the house and WW's car.

Also get a keylogger on the home computer.

If you can afford it--

Wouldn't it be just awful if her phone accidentally got dropped in the toliet? "Honey, you took it in the bathroom with you last night while you were drunk and dropped it! Don't you remember? But no worries, I'll go get you another one today."

Then go get her another one (loaded with the software you need).

Not if you set up a fake FB account.

First set up a gmail account with a fake name. Then set up a fake FB account using that name.

I see the makings of a Perfect Storm of Exposure.

Be still, my heart! LOL! I would like to take this moment to say "Thank You" to the computer techs who have made this technology possible.

Princess,

Oops!! So sad!!

I did just find out that WW's phone (Pantech Impact) is not compatible with eblaster Mobile. VeriSpy is a bit pricey so I think I'll keep my powsder dry on that until I talk to the PI on Tuesday. I didn't check if that is compatible.

Well gotta go get ready for a night with WW. Talk to you guys on the other side.

rj

Rj, check out flexispy and mobilestealth. Those are both pretty good I have heard.

rj - In my case I was able to get the contents of the txt messages through iPhone backup files.
Here are the instructions (for a Mac):
http://osxdaily.com/2010/07/08/read-iphone-sms-backup/

Hi folks! No bombshells over the weekend. WW was being far too nice to me but she still kept calling and texting POSOM when I was out with the kids. Pretty sure she had sf with POSOM on Saturday when she was supposed to be with her "girlfriend". No proof, just too many inconsistencies in her story. Got 1:50 minutes of audio from her car on Friday night. All I got was about 2 minutes of her teling her friend how wonderful Scott is and how they are so in tune with each other and of course how much I'm the opposite of that. She has also been trying to assure me way to much these days that "I'm not going to lie to you" and "I'm not a mean person". So I'm learning that she lives in "opposite-speak world". And then after being nice to me all weekend she turned major nasty yesterday through this morning for no reason I'm aware of other than she had been on the phone with POSOM while I took the kids to my Dad's 79th birthday party (she couldn't be bothered going).

I went on FB and found the guy is a major party hound. He really is so "not me" but I would never want to be like him anyway. It's clear to me she's been seduced by Mr. Party Boy. Part of me was actually worrying that maybe he's really a nice guy who was looking for true love but now I know he really is a POSOM in every sense. And yes, that makes me feel a little better. He has 622 friends and so many are just shirtless, partying "let's all give men a bad name", player kind of guys. And, to boot, his wife seems like a sweetheart on her page. She's into God and Hot Yoga and Rod Stewart Love Songs. Not quite the b*&^% he paints her to be.

Anyway met with the PI today. We talked about a number of things. I've got him on retainer and I feel so much better. Like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm also not doing the VOR anymore. He's afraid if she finds it it will blow everything. So with all the other stuff we're doing I'm fine. I don't have the time or expertise for all of this and he does. I feel so much better right now just knowing I have someone on the case who does this for a living and has an entire network of tools and experts to get it done.

That's it for now. I'll check back in with updates. Still welcoming any and all comments.

Thanks all,
rj

Let us know what the PI finds out, rj.

rj,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Understand that your interference will bring fire and brimstone upon you from her.

Ignore it all. The hardest thing for a BH to do in all of this is to keep his head and follow our advice.

Keep tabs of all the times you stay with the kids while she goes out. Get a calendar and start keeping track of when she goes out and for how long.

This will be vital in a custody fight. The best you can hope as a man is to get primary custody, but 50/50 is a good settlement if it comes to that.

I have a feeling that OM's world will blow up when you expose to the OMW. I also have a feeling that he will drop your WW like a hot potato because she won't be worth the hassle.

The biggest thing for you is to be calm and collected in all of this. It's hard. I know. I also know that you can get so preoccupied that you forget stuff with your kids.

Try to be strong and come here for help. We've been in your shoes. You're doing great. Keep it up.

Thanks help,

I've been marking down on her phone records when she is on with him when I am out with the kids. Aslo marking when she gets a text from him while I'm home and she immediately leaves on a bogus errand and gets right on the phone with him. I've started formally noting whenever she leaves and for what reason and when she comes back. Had 2 possibly significant developments today I'm working on but don't want to discuss just yet but she is clearly getting more brazen. I just need to keep playing it cool and "clueless" and let her slip up. BTW I'm now virtually 100% confident it is a raging sexual affair (both on weekends and during their workday).

And yes I'm pretty confident OM will dump her in a split second once OMW is informed as well as both of their bosses. They work in a political environment and this sort of thing can destroy a politically dependant career so he has TONS at risk here (not my problem).

It's just a matter of time and patience til I have the proof. Then the hard part begins. It's hard for me to believe that love can survive this sort of thing but that's where faith and prayer and hard work come in. And if it's not God's will in the end then I'll be ready for that as well.

rj

Rj,

Here's something to think about... Maybe love cannot survive an affair? You can, your wife can... Maybe love cannot.

Here's another thing to think about... Maybe it doesn't need to. Maybe, just maybe if you have it in you, you can develop a new love for her if she moves towards repentance. God's will is that no man seeks to put asunder what HE has joined together. That means with hard work you can survive and thrive through this. Even if that old love dies.. New love can spring... well... anew.

One advantage you have is being prepared for the Dday. confrontation, walking her through recovery, etc... If she is exposed and wants to reconcile, you have tools at hand already.

CV

Curious as to why you haven't exposed yet?

Why do you need to play clueless?

CV,

Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement. It really does help me. I really like the "new love" thing. That really gives me hope. Thanks!

rj

I guess it's because I feel like I'm on the cusp of some real hard evidence. What I've got now is a ton of circumstancial evidence to which WW will have a ton of denials and excuses. And since it's already sexual I figure I'll stretch it out for abit to strengthen my case. Kinda like the lawyer who refuses to ask a question he doesn't already know the answer to. I want at least some irrrefutable footing to stand on.

rj

Hope faith and love... Love is the greatest, but having faith that love will spring produces hope.

I understand waiting for hard evidence. Hope that you get confirmation soon from the PI.

CV (sorry for waxing poetic today)

You're not trying to play Perry Mason, RJ, you're trying to stop your wife's affair. Expose now, especially to OMW, you have all the proof you need. Unless of course, you don't MIND OM screwing your wife while you gather "evidence" because you intend to go straight to Plan D, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Of course, in family court they don't really care how many times or people that your wife screwed, they just want to divvy up your assets, assign custody, and usher you out the door.

Right now your wife knows that you know what she's doing, yet you do nothing. Think it's bad now? It'll get even more blatant and in your face, and she'll lose the last vestiges of respect she may have for you as a man. She's doing this right in front of you because she has contempt for you, RJ. You think you're being sly as a fox but in all reality she doen't give a damn if you know or not.

So far there's been no consequence at all. I'll bet you haven't even protected yourself by establishing a new bank account and withdrawing the funds that you and your family need to survive financially and depositing them into the new account. A woman who will spend $1200 on lingerie and not hide it will not think twice about plundering a joint account. That can only happen if you sit there wringing your hands instead of being proactive and doing something other than gathering data to save your marriage.

I want at least some irrrefutable footing to stand on.

Good plan. Maybe you'll be really lucky and she'll bring home an STD to share with you.....or REALLY hit the jackpot and she'll explain that the "little stick" she just peed on is turning blue because of the lunar apogee.

Or, like too many other BHs here, you'll discover that she has reached that threshhold of WW irrationality, and decided, even if you do break up this affair, she know longer cares to invest her time/efforts in being your wife, because her muddled WW-brain thinks that the EN-plethora she's living large in now is solely due to POSOM banging her lights out in the extra time she's stealing going to the Piggly-Wiggly.

Yeah, good plan, wait for absolute irrefutable proof!

Hosea 2:10 - Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.

EXPOSE this to the light of day and by Saturday you can be at the movies with her.

EXPOSE tonight to OMW. Just call, or stop by, or somehow contact her and your wife can then be all yours.

Right now she is none of yours. She is his!!!

Emphasis mine.

Thank you for posting this, americajin.

rj, I don't know if you want a FWW perspective or not, but I was thinking pretty much exactly what aj posted above.

I can't speak from experience as a BS, but I wonder if it's easier to "stand up and take it like a man" w/ this - that you have to be tough, and it's all a game of cat-and-mouse to catch your W... And you're choosing to do that instead of examine the larger ramifications of this? I don't know. And it doesn't really matter, not to me. It will to you.

"Catching" your WW is not going to make any of this easier. It's not a magic button, one where you push it and the hard part is over. I'm sorry to say that this is the easy part. The recovery - whether it be personal or marital or both - is the hard part.

And no matter what happens w/ catching your WW, that recovery is still there to face. All of the emotions and consequences that come with such betrayal are still there waiting to be dealt with.

Instead of fixating on catching her, I would recommend you gather your evidence - hard evidence is nice, but what you have is more than enough - and work a plan. Expose, NC, the whole deal.

But that's just my opinion.

I don't get this, rj. You have the calls and texts. You have dates and times. You want to wait for OM to get her pregnant? Is THAT the hard proof you're waiting on??

EXPOSE this!

And btw - what happened with the PI you had the appointment with yesterday?

rj seems to be level headed with what he is doing. I'm going to trust that there may be some pictures involved in exposing this as irrefutable proof.

Keep in mind that images can be seared into your own memory and make recovery difficult FOR YOU.

A BS has the hardest time a few months after recovery begins. Images caught on film could really hinder your ability to recover.

So I say that if you have enough proof that you can press with the exposure. It won't take much more than a few intimate emails or texts to convince the OMW.

So gather your evidence but don't wait forever.

Expect all kinds of he77 to come down on you when you finally do expose.

Hi all,

Thanks for the comments. All valid but I need something better to stand on. WW is a very tough cookie and she's great at denial(always has been). Besides I really don't think she knows that I know. She just thinks she's got it down pat.

On the texts I have times and dates but no actual texts. PI is working on that as well as tracking her vehicle. Last couple nights she has forgotten to delete their last text exchange so I have seen those and she is starting to get sloppy. I should have what I need soon.

On the STD's I have reason to believe they are not protecting themselves (but she is still making me wear a condom, thankfully). I am scheduling an appointment for bloodwork and will include STD testing.

I hear you guys and appreciate your input. Please keep being straight with me. I need that.

Now in the meantime I need to prepare myself for exposure. I've had suggestions to expose to just OMW and also to everyone on each of their contact lists. That's a pretty big spread. I'm thinking OMW, WW's sister and mother, POSOM's boss and WW's boss. That way if she's goes straight to the divorce option I can tell her that right now only a few people know. If it goes to divorce it will be on public record and everyone in our small town and the surrounding communities will know. Hopefully that angle will bring her around. As to the bosses, this started at work I think their needs to be pressure there to end this. WW's boss is a nice guy and will be very hurt but POSOM does not get along with his boss and that will be nuclear. I wouldn't be surprised if he demanded his resignation by the next day.

WW has always had anger issues but this is going to be ballistic when it happens. Talk to me about what to expect, how to handle it and the logistics of exposing to multiple parties in a very short period of time. In person vs email (WW's mom does not have email). Also the pecking order on who to expose to. Is WW 1st or last. Talk to me guys.

rj

Git'r done TODAY

This sounds like a good order. The important thing to remember is that once you start, do not stop until all calls, emails or visits have been made. After the first exposure to OMW, your phone might start ringing. IGNORE any attempts by your WW to stop you.

Expect: a very po'd WW, if she's like most, she will rant and rail and call you every name in the book, you'll be the reason that Texas has been in a drought all summer, you'll be the reason that the U.S. economy is in the tank. Stand firm. Don't back down. And whatever you do, don't argue back with her. If the confronts you red-faced and with steam coming out of her ears you're mantra is I am doing what is necessary to save our family. How 'bout them Cowboys?

Oh, and you don't start small and then threaten her with more exposure if she chooses divorce. That's not what exposure is about.

Now, what else? Oh yeah. Get started.

Thanks PM,

I fugure I'll have boss emails already written and ready to send. I'll vist OMW, I think that is only fair and right to do that in person. Then I'll trigger the emails and call WWs sister. Then head to her mother's house (again I don't want to do that by phone).

After all that is done then do I take her call? Or call her, meet her, what?

I understand PM that lives are already being destroyed but right now it is their actions (and yes to an extent my inaction)that is doing the destroying. I just can't destroy other people's lives without a little more to go on. Not a lot but something more. The PI told me the biggest thing he needs from me right now is patience. I'm trying to balance his professional advice with your expert advice. I'm not going to wait forever but as hard as it is (and it is really getting hard) I need to wait a little longer.

rj

Oh yeah, and is everybody in agreement on both bosses? Any reason not to? Cause that could be the clincher but also the killer. There's no stopping the train once it hits those two stops. Keeping it "in the families" just seems like an invitation to non-resolution. Am I right?

Thanks,
rj

you go full out with exposure, just keep saying I love you and I will do what I have to so I can save my marriage.
Let her fume, let it cause trouble that's what you want........
sit back and watch things go up in flames.......
don't let anything she does or says get to you........
It's all a process........patience and acting with integrity is key now, be loving and understanding.........but firm...........
jessi