Hello everyone. I am new to the forum, although I've known about marriagebuilders since I got married 7 years ago. My marriage was strong early on, but after having 2 children, and not nurturing each other and our marriage, we drifted apart. About 2 months ago, a man came into my life online, on Facebook. He initially contacted me, but I chose to enjoy our conversations. This man and I developed feelings for each other, even though we lived many states away from one another. We never saw each other in person during this time, and mostly conversed online, but spoke a few times on the phone. We confided our relationship problems with each other (he had a woman who he was on/off with and the relationship was rocky). We made plans and intended to meet up in a few months when I was to fly to my hometown to visit. I was on the fence about it, very ambivalent, but my emotions and desires were winning over my rationality and morals, and good judgment.

Throughout the 2 months, I tried to break it off several times, but was unable to. It was like an addiction. I would always feel heartbroken and weak, my willpower was extremely weak. Plus I allowed myself to be affected by the sadness and emotions of the other man...I couldn't bear the thought and feeling of hurting him when I pulled away and tried to stop talking to him. I believe that my keeping it a secret from my husband, kept my ties strong with this other man.

I knew in my heart that after several times of failed attempts at breaking it off, I was unable to do it alone. I needed help. I had an epiphany. I was on the path to destroying my marriage, ending in divorce, hurting my children for the next 12 and 14 years of their life (til they turned 18) and beyond. In my heart, before revealing things to my husband, I believe that I wanted to move away from my home, and back to my hometown. I was delusional to think that this would have been a better life than what I have right now. I was delusional to allow myself to indulge in something forbidden, being selfish among my husband and children.

Well I had this epiphany last week. I realized that if I had better tell him what was going on. I told him that I wanted him to accompany me on this upcoming trip, because I had been talking to another man and liked him, was attracted to him, and started having feelings for him, and didn't want to go down that path. I needed to tell my husband because I wanted to eliminate that secretive environment that I had created and knew that was the only way. I called the other man 1 last time to tell him I told my husband all about him and our communication. He even then tried to say "I wish you had talked to me about it first. He wouldn't have found out if you didn't tell him." I told him that is not me, and I was tired of being secretive. We have not spoken since. I deleted and blocked him from Facebook, and he has not tried to contact me. My husband said he would either talk to him on the phone, or would be on the next flight back home to find this guy and talk to him face to face depending on how things went. He called the guy and settled things over the phone.

My husband was devastated. He felt so hurt and betrayed. He said that I needed to go to confession and had committed a mortal sin. He said that I had hurt the family and children. I know it hurt him to the core. I destroyed a piece of my husband's heart and soul....that I don't know will ever fully be repaired.

I wrote him a letter and read it to him, expressing my extreme sorrow and pain for causing him pain. I have given him all of my passwords. I am now conducting my life as an open book. I realize that I have communication issues, need to work on being honest with him about what I am feeling inside, and what I am doing with my time. I have stopped carrying my phone around with me everywhere. I am doing everything in my power to restore the relationship with my husband. I realize that I was not respecting my husband in many ways. I stopped giving him as much attention, affection, respect...I stopped respecting my husbands role of leader in the marriage, and mine as wife and supporter. I lost sight of what was important to us as a marital unit and family. I lost sight of religion. I lost sight of prayer. I lost sight of my husband. I started to see things on the other side as more favorable. I was seeing the grass on the other side as being greener. In many ways, I was missing things from my husband too. I was feeling neglected, unimportant, invisible. Having another man notice me and find me beautiful and spend so much of his time pursuing me felt good. We developed a connection that felt so good. I started to further question my marriage.

Friday was really bad. Saturday was really bad. Saturday afternoon I wrote him the letter and read it to him. It was better in some ways. We've made love every night. I realize how much I've hurt him and I am taking every cue I see and following his lead...in order to restore balance and health of our marriage. I think there is a good chance of recovery...although I don't know if he or we will ever be the same.

We have pulled a lot closer through all of this. I am so lucky that I have such a forgiving man to call my husband. I am so lucky and blessed that he is still loving toward me, although I know there is a hurt among his love. I am so ashamed of what I've done. He knows that. He can see that and tells me so. It goes a long way in him being able to forgive me and try to move on.

He has made the comment that "Thank God you told me and I didn't find out. Thank God. You made a mistake, and something inside of you said to make it right. And you've taken the steps to begin to fix it. I can forgive you. But it still hurts and it will take a long long time to get over this." He's opened his ears through all of this to things I've been unhappy about and wants to do what it takes to fix this with me.

I am so so so grateful for his love and forgiveness. When we hug now, it is not feelingless like it had become prior to the affair. We hug each other and kiss and embrace like we are holding onto each other for dear life. We are behaving more attentively toward each other. We are connecting like we had years ago. We are making love, and it is not just sex going through the motions like it had become.

I've cried so many tears in the past week and I never ever want anything like this to happen again. I thought I was falling out of love with my husband before the affair, but strangely I feel closer to my husband than I have in years. I have begun to respect my husband as the leader in my family, something I think I've never really done before. I don't know how to explain that but I think I used to try to step above him in that sense. This is something new for me to learn about. But I think we will be happier in the long run.

One thing I am struggling with though is the urge to check messages and emails to see if the other man contacted me. The urge to check my facebook. It's an addiction that I have to keep in check. I don't have an urge to contact him ever again though. He is very persistent though. I want my husband to be by my side when I go back for the trip to eliminate any chance of temptation. I have to say that the whole "relationship" if you want to call it that...was very addictive. I was addicted to checking to see if he had messaged me that morning when I woke up. I would get an adrenaline rush when I would see a message. I was feeling butterflies when he would say certain things.

I know I have a struggle in front of me. I first dealt with making things right with my husband, which is slowly getting better. Now I will have to deal with the feelings of "withdrawal" that Dr. Harvey talks of. Whenever I feel those feelings of withdrawal, my immediate go-to course of action is to say an "Our Father" or "Hail Mary." My willpower and strength was at an all time low through all of this, so I have a LOT of skills to develop. In the meantime, I will immediately say a prayer in response to those feelings of withdrawal and addiction until I learn and become proficient in some other skills.

I don't want to fail again!!!! Please if anyone has any advice on how to stay away from this man forever. Please do share. It's been 3 days since him and I have had any contact. And that is the longest I've ever been able to stay away from him. Having my husband by my side has helped tremendously. I've been good so far. But I have to admit, I've had thoughts creep in my head...like, "Maybe I could just send him ONE email to let him know the progress of my husband and I." I haven't acted on these thoughts, and I'm proud of myself for that. I need strength though and willpower. This is the first morning since revealing to my husband...that he's gone out to do something and I am home by myself. I have all the freedom in the world right now to contact him. But I haven't. And won't. The real tests will begin this week when I go back to work and will have my phone with me...where I have the freedom if I want to contact him. And the next will be on the days when I'm off work, home alone, when boredom creeps in and that urge comes up....or the feelings of withdrawal. I need to be strong.

Please share your ideas and advice on how to deal with the feelings of withdrawal and urges. I know what's right but I've followed a certain pattern for the past 2 months. I need help. I can't do this alone. Thank you and Happy Labor Day.

HSL, welcome to Marriage Builders. You did the right thing in telling your husband. The next step towards recovery will be DELETING your facebook account entirely. In order to recover, the environment that led to the affair has to be changed. That means deleting facebook altogether so he can't contact you and vice versa. Additionally, if he contacted you via email, I would delete that email account and start sharing your husbands account. You need to set this up so the OM CANNOT contact you. Every contact will triggger you.

Most marriages do not recover from an affair. Couples think that just ending the affair is enough, but it is not. If you don't take appropriate steps to recover your marriage, once the gloss wears off here, you will only have a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage and will be more vulnerable to an affair than you were before. This is a common mistake that people make. They don't understand that recovery STARTS when the affairs ends. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL.

So, please get the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook Five steps to Romantic Love and follow the program in there.

Here is an outline of what it will take:

here here

HSL, kudos to you for having the decency, knowledge, and courage to go to exactly the right places for assistance with your addiction - your husband, first, and this site thereafter.

Read M/L's post carefully, and get the books she referenced. The sine qua non of recovery and rebuilding a loving relationship is adequate quantity and quality of UA time.

Assuming you maintain a strict control on absolute honesty with your BH, you will soon decide that the worst of your experience is already behind you. He may rant, scream, cry, and pout. You job is to assure him of your remorse, and, working with his help, your commitment to never taking your marriage so near a precipace again.

And, not knowing your previous....uhh, schedule? ....I would mention that your recent "every night" SF is a manifestation of "hysterical bonding". This is very common among the immediately reconciling. Don't overthink it; don't start doubting when events return to whatever norm you previously had. Just enjoy the sense of affection and closeness.

HSL, I'm speaking to you as a man who had an affair. I've walked in your shoes a bit.

I didn't exactly come clean on my own. I got found out when the other woman's husband's private investigator found her out. But that's when I knew I had to be the one to tell my wife. And so I did.

I won't hit you with my whole story. You can look it up here if you like. But I will tell you that the book our marriage counselor gave us, "Surviving An Affair", is one you need to get asap. I highly recommend it. You & your husband should read it together & discuss as you go. And I don't get a cent for saying so, but my wife & I learned stuff in there that may have saved our marriage.

So you want to know about how to beat withdrawal? You're in luck, I can tell you how to start:
You get active. That means you don't just sit around putting up a false-front to your husband of HOPING the other man won't contact you (and secretly hoping that he WILL). Instead it means you take active measures to make it as difficult as possible for contact to occur:

--You CHANGE your phone number, your cell-phone number, your e-mail addresses, and give your husband passwords to everything. There is NO excuse whatsoever for not doing this.

--You CANCEL the Facebook account permanently. I don't care if that's how you keep in touch with Aunt Gertrude. Tough. You wanna talk to her, then call her. Your marriage is more important. FB is how you got hooked up with the guy who almost wrecked your marriage. You close the account today, and let your husband be there to see when you do.

--You have him keylog your computer. Secrecy is what allowed you to get into an affair & continue it.

What do all those measures have in common? They're part of living transparently, that's what. It's the only "what" that will allow you to heal that damage and help your husband to feel emotionally safe while you two learn to identify & meet each other's emotional needs & recover your marriage.

--When you get the book "SAA," look up the part about "Extraordinary Precautions" around p.70 and read more.

(Motivation-check: If you resist any of the above, then you're not yet as serious as you need to be about ending the affair.)


ALSO:
--Get rid of your idle time when your thoughts drift to the other man. Use that time to plan dinners. Plan something fun to do with your husband. Plan something nice to do FOR your husband.

--It may help you to "reassociate" your thoughts. Think of OM as he really was. So you think your OM was some basically decent, gentle, passionate guy who just wanted & deserved to be understood & appreciated, huh? Yeah, I know... I've been there. But actually, your OM was willing to sabotage the marriage of a man, a perfect stranger -- your husband -- whom he'd never even met & who'd never done him any wrong. Think about THAT. How is THAT reflective of decency, gentleness, or being deserving of understanding? Rather, it was figuratively akin to ambushing your poor husband from behind, beating him up, breaking his ribs & knocking out his teeth, then stealing his wallet while he lies there moaning & bleeding on the dirty pavement. Your OM is a marriage-mugger, with the character of a thug. Until (if or when) he realizes the full wrongness of what he's done, he is & will be a thug, character-wise. How can you justify wasting one moment of your precious time on this earth pining for that thug? I was a thug like that. I know what I'm saying.

Just a parting comment: Your other man told you that there was no way your husband would've found out if you hadn't told him? That's a very common misperception. No one in an affair ever considers it likely that they'll be discovered or than the other person would rat on them. They ALL think it can be kept secret. Their "thinking" is not worthy of the term "thought." Affairs almost always get found out. The fact that your OM thinks otherwise just goes to show that when it comes to this, he's stupid as a brick. Just like I was once.

If you have questions about any of this, ask me. Challenge me on any of it if you like.
You can save your marriage. You can recover passion with your husband. I know.
But you need to have patience and a thick skin. You need to be able to look inside yourself, to examine your motivations honestly, to invest in communicating better with your husband, and not expect it all to blow over in weeks or months.

You got questions? Ask me.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS

We are happy you joined.

Ideas:

Post frequently on MB
Post every time (and I do mean EVERY TIME) you feel the pull towards your addiction.

We will make you think, or make you laugh, or make you cry .... or, we'll pull out our shillelagh sticks and beat you ...... with love.

You did the right thing and showed your true moral character. I do hope you realize how very very lucky you are. You have been blessed. Good luck.

Welcome, Hope.

Girl, I think you might just make it.

MIGHT.

If you're not lying to us about your remorse you might make it. (You sound sincere to me. And I'm pretty good at knowing Bs when I smell it.)

If you realize the treasure you have in the man you married.

If you realize how you selfishly toyed with that precious man and your precious marriage.

If you are willing to hear and learn.

If your mind and heart are open to the possibility of a life others would pay for.

If you can do this, Hope - there is HOPE for you

Ask questions, yes, but remember to be still and listen. Posters will have pointed questions for you - answer them. Honestly. Even when it hurts or might cast you in a dark light.

You can rebuild only when you've torn down your false world.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Welcome, Hope!

Suit up, girlie! Great that you are here. Get ready to listen a LOT, OK? If you really choose to get back to a great marriage you will read a lot here, listen a lot here, and learn a lot here.

Stay strong and come on back. This is the best place you can be.

HSL, talk is cheap. If you want to recover your marriage & have it be the kind of marriage you wish to have, then actions are what count.

HSL,

You have taken the right steps to right the wrong in your life, why stop now and go backwards, think of the pain it will cause your family ..........it will not be worth it if your let your husband down now, you will destroy all the good that has taken place so far.......is that what you want because that is what you will get..........

Your children will not understand their mother's decision.........
Fantasy hurts everyone involved.....it rips families apart.........
I would change your routine, give your phone to a work colleague, be proactive, keep yourself busy, delete the facebook site, change your phone #'s, change your email address. Put extra precautionary things in place so contact never happens.........
You are lucky to have a 2nd chance read the stories on this site and hear the pain people go through with affairs.............and the difficulty of recovery your husband has already told you it was good the right thing came from you on your own, you let him down again and your life will take a turn for the worst........
Stay here and when you get weak log on and find the support to get you through the moments of weakness........read all the info on the site.........
You are awake now stay awake, good luck and believe me a lot of folks on this site will be so proud of you being accountable and honest, keeping your husbands and your kids interest first now is what your goal should be........
Anything else will turn your life upside down.
jessi

HSL,

A question I have for you is what did you know about marriagebuilders 7 years ago?


Did you know it dealt with infidelity? Did you look at any of the information that is on it? If so then you knew the devastation that such an act would bring to your family, but you ignored the dangers of putting yourself in such a horrible position.

Also if you did any research on this site then you also would've known that you could've saved your marriage before it got to this point--once again you didn't. I am not trying to beat you up here but I really hope you show a great deal of remorse to your husband for your poor choices because as I see it you probably had the knowledge to prevent all of this and you didn't!!!

I totally hope this is not the case and I'm out of line--because if I would've known about mb 7 years ago when I first got married I would not be in a middle of a divorce today-either my ww would've changed or I would not of married her!!

Well it has been a rough 6 days. Lots of tears and pain on my part. Lots of pain and uncertainty on his part. I've felt like dying would have felt better than this pain I created. He has said the same thing. I am extremely lucky for my husband's forgiveness and love. I'm doing everything in my power, I'm exploring every idea in my power to work toward rebuilding myself, faults, and to restore the foundation of our marriage. I know I have just begun in this process of making things right....and have a LONG way to go, but this is where I am so far.

The first thing I did was tell my husband about this OM. It turned our marriage as we knew it upside down, felt like we went through a food processor, and left us reeling...a lot of broken trust, hurt feelings, pain, anguish, sadness, tears, disappointment, broken bond, mistrust, broken balance, his statements about me: fear of unknown and fear I am not telling him how I feel, fear of what I am saying is not the truth, fear that he doesn't know things about me.

He has been extremely hurt. I wrote down all of my passwords to email and facebook, told him to please log in ANYTIME he has the urge to look. He said he is not going to police me. But I am insisting to him, because I WANT him to see what is and is not going on. I want him to check on me so trust has a chance to be rebuilt. I told him he could put my accounts on his phone so he can get the notifications immediately. I no longer carry my phone around with me. I don't bring it into the bathroom with me. We've talked about how he is afraid I will not be open with him about my feelings...and I suggested that I write things down in a journal in those instances that I would be inclined to not know how to talk to him about things....it's always been easier for me to get things out on paper...and then we could talk about it together. I think that could work and he liked the idea. Yesterday while I was at work, I had some downtime and I sent him an email with my thoughts that were going on in my mind. We talked about it last night. It was good having that dialogue together.

One suggestion that has been made on here is to delete my facebook and email....I decided not to do that because I want my husband to see those accounts. I want to be an open book with him. I felt that if I were to delete those accounts, it would suggest that I didn't want him to see details of my life. I'm giving him every opportunity to see every aspect of my life now.

As for contacting the OM. It's been surprisingly easy to stay away from him. Throughout the couple of months that we were conversing, when I would try to pull away, it was like there was this magnetic pull back to him. I had an extremely hard time.

After I revealed things to my husband, it was like that power was eliminated. It's like the truth killed it's power. The truth killed the power that the secrecy held on me. I have NO absolutely NO regrets of letting that man go. There are things about his character that l had learned of over time....that would kind of "pick" at me...like this nagging feeling. But I was caught up in a state of infatuation...also, at times I experienced feelings of kindness toward him and not wanting to hurt this man....so I overlooked these flaws in him. Now looking back, with a clearer head, I don't know what is wrong with me to almost ruin my marriage for this guy. I realize how stupidly I was thinking. I realize I was in this "fog" that Dr. Harley talks about. But that is no excuse. I know I have created this situation myself. But I am also very very angry for the times he encouraged me to keep secrets and angry at myself for doing it. Since D-Day, I haven't had a desire to contact this man. Now that I am back in reality, or rather, facing reality head on and accepting reality, I am wondering what the HELL I was thinking even being interested in this man. There was a time where I thought I had feelings for this man, and I truly did feel emotions. Positive ones. But I wonder how real it really was. It didn't take long to get through that withdrawal process. I promised my husband that I will NEVER contact that man again, and that if I felt any urge, I would talk to him. I also promised him that if he ever tried to contact me again, I would tell him. I thought that it would be hard, that I would be drawn to contacting this guy....but I don't. My focus and intention is on things I have been neglecting, that need healing. My husband and I have had poor communication skills in the past. I have been thinking about that....and we are working on that. We have been going to bed early every night after the kids go to bed, and just talking about things. There are a lot of loving gestures taking place like hugs and kisses, holding each other, spending time sitting next to each other...a lot of physical touch. There is a lot of TLC being put into each other. I took a lot of things for granted with my husband and marriage. I took our stability and security for granted. When I created a situation that shook that stability and security, it became like a nightmare that I hadn't imagined before. I have a lot of faults and I am doing my best to face them and improve myself. I am sure that I will have a hard time facing some things about myself, and will always be a work in progress, but I will do my best to bring these to light in my own eyes and will try to do better in admitting my faults. I told my husband that I am committed with everything inside of me to work toward restoring our health on a DAILY basis and if we EVER get to a point where we feel good about things again, I will make a DAILY effort to maintaining things. We used to be in maintenance mode before all of this took place...but I screwed things up big time. I never thought of it as being in maintenance mode. I didn't take the necessary steps to 'maintain' our security and stability. Rather, I took a lot of steps that HURT our security and stability. I can see by my actions and lack of actions how BADLY that hurt us.

The daily talks and TLC from both sides has been helping. The first 4 days were very rough. A lot of uncertainty. Yesterday was for me was feeling like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. But yesterday my husband said our open talk the other night really helped him. He has had this tight feeling in his chest and yesterday he said was the first day he was able to work diligently at work without the situation haunting him. He was able to not be consumed and focus. I'm so lucky he has not stopped loving me through all of this. He has loved me through it all, but with a cautiousness and hurt attached to it. I understand it and hope that someday he will love me again freely. Everyday seems to show improvement for us. I have a lot of regret and remorse that I don't know if will ever go away. I think I will carry it with me long after he forgives me and moves past things... But I am extremely lucky and blessed that my husband is willing to love me and work on things. I am so grateful for that. There is soooo much more to work on.

I got complacent. I admit that. I used to read a lot of stuff on Marriage Builders...but over time became in a different mindframe. I regret it. Deeply. I got lost and wish that I had utilized the tools of marriage builders. I came back to it recently. I know I made a lot of mistakes. But I am here now. Trying to do what I need to do to make my marriage right and work on my shortcomings....there are a lot of them that I need to address.

I also wanted to mention that I've picked up 3 books that I've begun to read:

1) After the affair

2) Proper care and feeding of marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

3) The 5 love languages.

I have asked my husband what he thinks about going to a marriage retreat. I am going to go to confession as my husband has asked me to. I know that I need to do this. It was his suggestion, but he is right.

As far as hysterical bonding, what exactly is that????

Excuses. Facebook doesn't need to be an aspect of your life right now. Neither does your email. Give him the opportunity to see the accounts if he wants. He may not want to. Then shut them down, and never go back.


What about a few months down the road, when you think your husband is being a bit of a jerk because he's lovebusting you, and that "power" returns?

To say that you don't want to see OM right now doesn't mean that those feelings won't change. Relying on feelings to protect your marriage is very dangerous.

What are you doing to enforce boundaries? You talk a lot. What actions are you taking to ensure that this will never happen again?

Unfortunately, NONE of those books have a plan to recover your marriage after an affair. The book that you do need is Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. That is the only plan I know of that actually restores the romantic love in your marriage. You can pick it up in most bookstores, or buy it used on Amazon.com very cheap.

If you are going to work on your marriage, please use resources that actually have a plan to recover your marriage.

Also, I agree with Prisca. The point of changing your email and deleting facebook is to remove any temptation. That needs to be done if you are serious about recovery.

Many of us here have gone through the Marriage Builders program with great results. Even Retrouaville counselors go to Marriage Builders for their own marriages. When we did the MB course we had to fly out to another city for the first stage of the program, but now they offer it online. They assign you a coach who gives you weekly lessons and follows up with you weekly. You also have daily access to Dr Harley.

HSL, you are sitting in the lobby of the most successful, effective marriage program that I know of. Why not use it? Dr Laura and Gary Chapman don't know how to save marriages, Dr Harley DOES.

It would suggest no such thing. Rather, it would suggest you are serious about affair proofing your marriage. When you are serious about affair proofing your marriage, you remove any avenue that could lead to temptation. That is called "extraordinary precautions" and is the first step in recovering a marriage.

print out the confirmations that the accounts were deleted, so he doesnt think you are just saying it.

or better yet do it with him

HSL,

I see at the moment that you are serious about correcting the wrongs that you have done to your marriage. I say "Moment". I say this because so many waywards jump on board right away wanting to commit to their marriage and help their betrayed spouse. I know this first hand as my ww did the exact same thing.

Over the next days/weeks/ you will experience withdrawl from the om and have several urges to contact him. From my experience I strongly recommend deleting your email and facebook acounts. It is very easy to slip and just check his facebook and trigger yourself. You even need to get a new phone number to eliminate any chance of him contacting you.

Those are extraordinary precautions!! Those are for you and especially for your husband so he can see that you are following a plan to prove to him that you are serious about making him feel secure again in your marriage.

Does your marriage mean more to you than Facebook? Does your marriage mean more to you than an email account and a phone number? I can tell you that those DID mean more to my ww than our marriage and I can tell you the end of our divorce is very near because of things like that. I will have to explain this to my kids someday, not something I'm looking forward to!

Read this thread:
Extraordinary Precautions
What are you willing to do?

I jump to no such conclusion.

HSL, you let your HUSBAND choose whether you keep the Facebook & e-mail accounts. Let it be his choice. Not yours.

I think you're trying to keep open avenues of contact with OM.
I think you're all talk.
I fear for your husband.

I agree. People who are serious...........get serious. They take actions that back up their words. Talk is cheap with a wayward. As they say in Texas, money talks and bull**it walks.

Ask him what HE wants.

and ask him to come on here.

Ditto ditto.

Today a couple of things I looked up were cell phones that did not have the internet or email option....as well as keylogger software. I decided to call my husband and suggested some ideas:

1) Delete my facebook

2) Trade my smartphone in for a regular cell phone

3) Install keylogger software

His response was he didn't want me to do that. He said what he wanted from me was to behave like an adult and make the right decisions. He said that from my actions it would build trust again. He said he doesn't want to police me. I said I WANTED him to check up on me.

Go ahead think what you want. I know my intentions and am taking cues from my husband. I know where my weaknesses are and know I am not suddenly immune to them just because I want to make things right and it's only been 6 days. I know that I have a long road ahead of me. Having gotten through immediate eye of the storm, I know that I have a lot of work to do. I'm still trying to figure out which end is up. I don't care who thinks I am BSing because I have no reason to BS any of you.....I don't know any of you from Adam. I came on here for a couple of reasons. For support in trying to get through this and to see if I could find some answers. I know I screwed the hell up in my marriage and I regret it very much. I am hearing what all of you are telling me, and believe me my ears are open. I am taking your suggestions to heart. But I get the feeling that no matter what I say I will be met with criticism and judging. If you don't want me on here....just say so and I will leave.

Once again, your actions do not back up your words. If you were serious, you would have already removed the means of contact, which means deleting your facebook account and changing phone #s and email addresses.

Talk is cheap, HSL.

Exactly! And as we can see here, your actions do not back up your words. Someone who is serious about affair proofing their marriage removes the means and changes the environment that allowed the affair to take place. It is like the recovering alcoholic. An alcoholic who is serious about sobering up stays out of the bar and gets the booze out of his house. HE DEMONSTRATES HIS SINCERITY BY HIS ACTIONS.

An "adult" who is serious about recovery removes the temptations herself. YOU are responsible for your own extraordinary precautions, not anyone else.

Who said that? Not me. In fact Ive asked a few times to get your hubby to join in too. He must need support, so direct him to some. What does he say to that?



I agree with him. No one on here is tying to turn your hubby into your jailer.

Show voluntary transparency. (You have already done this by leaving your phone around him and letting him know he is welcome to check it out), I would add to this good start by getting a keylogger installed and telling him where he can check the reports if he ever feels the need. He doesnt HAVE to. Just Show him that he CAN, that you are willing.


Show voluntarily that you will remove temptations. Cancel Facebook, show him the print out of the cancellation. Tell him there isnt anything you wouldnt do.

The new phone sounds great - so do it.

In AlAnon they tell family members not to pour away any booze. The alcoholic must do that. So do it.

Your h sounds like a wise man! Get him on here!

What are you waiting for?

Hi, HSL,

This is a little more like it. A little. But it's a start.

Remember, I'm talking at you from the standpoint of a wayward spouse who went through withdrawal. You voiced interest in how to beat that -- (You asked for "any advice on how to stay away from this man forever. Please do share"); and that's what I want to speak to now:

This is a really crucial phase. According to Dr. Harley as well as the marriage counselor my wife & I used, it generally tends to be pretty intense in the first 3 months after an affair is broken off, and especially in the first several weeks. That's the time when there's the greatest risk of an affair resuming.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you can't ever have e-mail or social networking.

But the risks of contact with the affair-partner are so profound that the precautions that ought to be taken against such contact are indeed "extraordinary." Any contact with OM will spook your husband badly & will stir your own recollections of the affair, and will set your marital recovery clock back to Day 1. You really want to avoid that, even if it means going to extraordinary lengths. (Check out a thread started by HerPapaBear on "extraordinary precautions" -- here's the link -- lots of good stuff in here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2525926&page=1 .)

That's why it's suggested that you change your e-mail address. This doesn't mean you have to give up e-mail. Not at all. But you just get an address that OM doesn't even know. And you get a FB account jointly with your husband.

So you can still be open/transparent and make proper decisions on your new e-mail & FB accounts, just like you said; but with the added advantage that they'll be accounts that OM is less likely to horn in on.

That's going the extra mile -- as opposed to doing the minimum. If you perceive how hurt your husband is, then don't you want to go the extra mile to help him feel emotionally safe with you again?

You'll get some 2x4s here on these boards. All Wayward Spouses do. I sure did back when I showed up here in August'09, even though I was over 7 months into recovery at the time. But have a thick skin & you can learn from it. It's also good for you to hear from some of the Betrayed Spouses who post here. Their perspectives taught me that any betrayed spouse -- such as my wife -- or your husband -- is likely to be quite skeptical of a wayward spouse on occasion.

What I take from that is, because of our bad choices, we've given ourselves a higher bar to clear. We have to be & act better than just OK to dispel the skepticism & re-earn the trust, in installments, little by little. That's just the reality of the place we've put ourselves into.

So try not to take it personally when you ask for advice, then receive it, then disregard it or follow it only halfway, and then hear back from posters who wonder why you didn't take the good advice. Learn to question your own motivations. Learn to be a little less willing to trust your own thinking right now -- after all, your own thinking got you into an affair, right? Give your thinking time to improve. It can.

Just as your marriage can.

No one here wants to see you & your husband fail. The folks here are on your side. Really.

Please take seriously what they say -- many of them here have lived a whole world of suffering, and the only thing they get "paid" for posting here is the satisfaction of occasionally seeing another couple avoid some of what others have suffered or inflicted, as the case may be.

Hang in there. Keep posting & keep arguing & keep asking questions. It means you've got a chance. You have people rooting for you.

Fantastic idea. I would be bowled over if my wh came up with this because he wanted to deter contact from the other woman


You really do! It is just so disappointing when WSs cant take the heat on here and just vanish. I do see a real desire in you to get out of the mud pie youve made, but we also need to see action. You CAN do it, so do it.

In addition to Gloveoil's excellent suggestions, I want to emphasize that you, HSL, are responsible for your own EP's. You can't use the excuse that your H does not see the value in it. You have to take the lead here and make it happen.

It doesn't matter what we think, Hope. Understand that you and your husband were/are in a marriage that has been rocked by adultery. You are not in a good place to navigate the course of your recovery. Both of you are currently in a place of minimizing the affair. You are enabling each other. The cues from your H are coming from a man who wants things to be okay.

HSL,

I am one who is giving you some hell and the reason is that my ww came on here acted and said the same things as you are right now. She listened to these people and did what they recommended then bang no more! She was in contact with the om and that was the demise of our marriage. SHE NEVER ACTED!!!

AS a betrayed spouse I would've absolutely loved it if she would've been a big girl and deleted her accounts and changed her number. That is action and that would've shown me that she was SERIOUS. Never happened now look! Take a play out of my playbook.

Do it yourself! Your husband doesn't want to tell you what to do-he wants you to be an adult and realize what actions are important to make him feel secure and what is best for YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Spent the day cleaning, and put on some music. TRIGGER! Turns out that I've had my first experience of certain songs affecting me. I started feeling those feelings of withdrawal. Turned the music off. I have decided it is not a good idea to listen to music right now. I will not be putting Rhapsody on and looking up lyrics. That is something I used to find meaning in and today I heard some songs that affected me. It's hard to avoid music altogether because it is all around me, and it is just something I've always done...listen to music. But I am going to try to be conscious in if a certain song gets me in that way...and redirect myself and turn it off.

I also felt feelings this morning of boredom, overwhelmed at things that need to be done around the house, anxiety. I said some prayers and did some breathing. I made a list of behaviors I could take up if I am feeling vulnerable...also part of this list is things I want to work on with myself:

Playing and reading with my kids
Meditation
Prayers
Staying busy and not being Idle doing nothing
TV
Movies
Calling a friend or family member
Not dwelling on things
Reading books and material to better my marriage
Surrounding myself with positive and supportive people
Practicing openness and honesty-pushing myself out of the fear box
Addressing thoughts and feelings that are a window to old habits and patterns
Breathing
Organizing
Staying off of the computer-I was on it too much...but the past week I have really been making the effort to do other things...and it has been a lot less than pre-D-Day.
Exploring my hobbies that have taken a backburner.
Reading positive and inspirational quotes and articles
Identifying my weaknesses and patterns.


Things that I need to watch out for:
Boredom
Anxiety
Dwelling
Idleness
Certain music
Falling into unhealthy patterns

I did a lot of laundry today and just had lunch. The feelings I was feeling subsided...for the moment. I am telling myself and keeping in my forefront that they will be back I'm sure....I experienced them, and distracted myself at times, by being busy. Now at 12:30 PM I am feeling more in control again. I will probably take a nap and then do some more laundry. Boring, tedious, but it needs to be done.

I'm still on the fence about deleting Facebook....in all HONESTY. The day I confessed to my husband, I called the OM one last time to tell him that I told my husband all about him and that I was giving him all of my passwords, so he would be accessing my accounts freely, at any time. I told him I could not speak to him ever again, and not to try to contact me. He was upset, but agreed.
1) I have since deleted and blocked him from Facebook. I am on guard if he ever tries to contact me.
2) I promised my husband that I would tell him if he ever contacted me again.
3) My husband has my passwords and I am aware of that...I chose to GIVE him my passwords rather than him ask, because I wanted to have to be accountable. So if he does try to contact me, I wanted to have to feel compelled to be honest about it.
4) My husband wants to see that I am strong enough to face situations. I'm not hiding anybody that I've befriended on Facebook, or any contact between myself and another person anymore. He has said to me "why delete things unless you have something to hide?" I have hidden things in the past from him, and find it very important to do what it takes to be an open book with him.


I don't know why I am even bothering to lay out my rationale and even the beginning part of this post. I probably just gave another opportunity for people to pounce on me and disect and criticize my thoughts and actions. I'm hoping to find some support and encouragement for the things I AM doing right...if there are ANY things I'm doing right in your minds. I'm speaking from my heart, and with an honest and real depiction of what's going on in my mind. I may have been the betraying spouse...but I am still human and have emotions and feelings too. I am just as vulnerable as the next person EXPECIALLY after this experience. And was hoping to find some positivity and encouragement to the right path. I guess I have always been somewhat sensitive and if you can't deal with ALL different personality types...not just ones with thick skin, well then maybe I came to the wrong place.

You did not come to the wrong place.

I am a WW who kept things (somewhat) the same for about a year after coming to the MB forum. And I consider myself to have been very "sincere" when I arrived here.

Now I am back-- and in a (somewhat) similar place in my marriage. If you don't want to be here next year saying the same things//still being emotionally affected the same way, you have to push yourself to make the necessary changes.

Hi HSL, yes keeping busy, practicing openness etc are good things. I can give you some brownie points for those things if that is what you want.

But brownie points will not save your marriage.

All those good things, honesty and keeping busy, will disappear like smoke if OM contacts you.

All the work you've done to endure weeks of withdrawal will be totally wasted.

EVERY TIME CONTACT OCCURS THE CLOCK GETS PUT BACK TO DAY ONE OF WITHDRAWAL.

This is why everyone here is getting frustrated. No one wants to see you put days of effort in (and I think you would) for the OM to roll in and blow up all your efforts - do you see?

Cancelling Facebook and email is such a simple task in comparison! We are helping you not beating you with 2x4s for fun.



You may be on guard, but your clock will still be re-set. The best case scenario is you saying 'no' then having to go through withdrawal again. You would have to do withdrawal over and over and that's the BEST case scenario. Much easier to just delete the d-d thing.

Plus - while it is possible for him to contact you YOU ARE WAITING. If you delete it, you will stop waiting, stop checking the computer and be much more peaceful.



But you aren't. You must be brutally honest about this. You need to be protected from contact from the OM. Here you are cleaning up a storm to distract yourself and that's without contact. How much worse would you be if he did get in touch....

I realise your h doesnt want to hear you are vulnerable to this man, but you have already been honest about something he didnt want to hear - the affair. So keep going with that honesty. Tell him if the OM contacts you it will affect you. Ask for his help in keeping him away.



Yes you are vulnerable! You are going through very difficult withdrawal feelings! Please protect yourself and ask for hubbys help in this! Tell him a joint Facebook account should stop POSOM from contacting you ... and see what he says.




Sensitivity is good. If you are sensitive to what's being said, you have an active conscience and want to make amends. Very good indeed.

Bottom line is HSL, that you have done good things. Such as coming clean with your h. I'm sure that was no picnic. But there is a forest fire headed towards your marriage in the form of OM and you MUST protect it.

And again, this indicates a lack of seriousness when you place something so irrelevant such as facebook before your marriage. The fact that the OM CAN contact you that way and the fact that you CAN unblock him and see his page in 10 seconds makes this risky behavior.

This is a very basic extraordinary precaution that is being ignored for absolutely no reason.

The suggestion that you "promise" to tell your husband is silly. First off, telling your husband doesn't negate the destructive outcome of contact. If I "promise to tell" my husband when I go drunk driving dose it make drunk driving safe? Contact will be broken. And secondly, talk is meaningless. Sorry, but the promises of a wayward are about as meaningful as a fart.

When a wayward fights this hard to maintain an avenue of affair contact, that wayward is not serious. You need to get serious about affair proofing your marriage if you want to be taken seriously around here.


Keeping open a very potential trigger is not a sign of "strength" but a sign of stupidity. Keeping facebook is risky behavior that threatens your marriage, so this is like me saying I am "strong enough to go drunk driving."

A person who is serious removes themselves from temptation, they don't continually expose themselves to it. So no, you are not serious at all.

The reason people are criticizing you is because you are making mistakes. No one is going to encourage you in making bad decisions. The people here are supportive, rather than enablers.

!!!

Perhaps, this could not have been said any better.

What is your compelling argument about keeping Facebook? I used to have it and got rid of it. And I'm still alive today! It's nice to not 'have' to get on there to see all of my friends talking about themselves! And my real friends already know what I'm doing, so why go online to post it to them and other people who really don't care?

It's already been suggested to you, but if you absolutely can't go forward without blogging your life to all of your friends, set up an account with your husband. That keeps you accountable and sends a message of unity to anyone who googles your name.

He is misguided. You are an addict. Would he keep a line of cocaine in front of you if you were addicted to that? To see how you would face it? He does not understand the nature of addiction.

Hope, you're starting off great! Are you kidding - we're being gentle with you. You should be reading the thread of another poster right now who just can't seem to be able to convince us that it's okay to be in contact with her affair partner! What do you suppose we're doing on that thread? And it is to help the poster - that's why we do this!

You're here. You are truly trying. You are still a bit foggy, so you're going to be called on that. We're not out to get you, Hope. We're out to help you. If we come across as a little strident, it's because we want you to succeed and we get frustrated when we see you putting road blocks in the way of that success!

What's the chance you can get your H on here to post? Is he reading? We've got good info for him, as well.

HSL, I think there are some good things on that list.

I also see a lot of vagueness -- in particular, the things I've highlighted in purple. What do those things mean in terms of practical actions? How do you translate them into things that can help improve your side of the marriage on a daily basis?

Along the same vein, I also see a lot of self-focus in your list. Notice the parts of your quote that I've bolded? What's missing? Or rather, who's missing? Your husband, perhaps?
--When do you speak to him during the day?
--What do you talk about?
--How do you feel toward him?
--What do you do for him in a given day?
Your list needs to include more of him. That's part of the humility required to recover from having been an adulterer. (Note, as C.S. Lewis said, 'humility' doesn't mean you have to think less of yourself. But it does mean that you have to think of yourself less. Please ponder.) Are you sure that's not kind of a cop-out, HSL? For you, isn't it another way of saying "I am the way I am and I can't change."? Of course you can change. You came here because you wanted to change for the better, right?

Part of the change, for a wayward spouse, is developing the thicker skin required to perform the necessary introspection, the honest self-examination of one's motives, past & present, and the humility to see where what you did & what you thought before might not have been the best approach to a relationship with your spouse. If you don't have the thick skin, you can't look as honestly at yourself as you need to. So if you don't have a thick skin, you grow one. All the meditation & inspirational quotes in the world won't make a difference unless you allow yourself to grow from what you've experienced and read and thought about.

You're getting plenty of encouragement to take right actions. Some you are taking, and that's good as far as it goes. Some you are resisting.
Keep growing.

Have you gotten SAA yet, and what page are you on? What are you learning from it? Please answer.

It is so, so easy to unblock someone on Facebook. All it takes is a click, and he's back in your life. The temptation is there.

Flee from temptation.

That is the sign of true strength. Someone who recognizes danger, who knows her weakness and sees temptation for what it is, and takes action to prevent it from ever touching her again.

If you think you're strong enough that a promise is all it will take, you are fooling yourself. Remember, you also promised to forsake all others. What kept you from breaking that one?

I don't understand ... why risk contact? Why risk your marriage for a website?

Police yourself. Build a wall around your side of the marriage that no one can get through. Block any avenue of contact. Including Facebook.

Wow I just got through the most INTENSE withdrawal and temptation experience. I walked past a payphone and thought....I could just so easily call him... The OM. It seriously felt like I was craving heroin. I continued walking into Walmart to shop. I felt the urge like no other. I called my husband and got his voicemail. Well after a long shopping trip and an enormous exercise of self-control, The feeling eventually phased. I feel very proud for that one solitary moment of strength. After leaving the store I walked right past the payphone COMPLETELY relieved that I didn't give in. It was like heroin though!!! I'm relieved that feeling passed.

Mixed reaction from here, HSL.

You resisted the lure of the OM....today. For that, a large sigh of relief, but.....

The next time, maybe when you're less "up", when things are not going well for you? Will you resist so readily?

Prepare a "totem", HSL, for review when you start to feel the urge again. A picture of your BH, a picture with your children, something to refocus your mind to what you stand to LOSE for the putrid GAIN of a few moments talk with POSOM.

Tools make any task easier, HSL.

Hope, I think this is excellent! You're doing really well - keep going!

HSL,

I have seen sincerity in your posts and for that-Good Job! We are not here to break you down, but to keep your eyes facing on the goal at hand and that is recovering your marriage.

Thank you for being honest about your withdrawal episodes. I have been a strong advocate on you deleting Facebook etc. It is such an easy thing to do and will eliminate a possible way of contact. You said the feeling you experienced was related to being hooked on heroin. THAT is very powerful!!! And you are correct!!! You really need to get rid of the things that are POTENTIAL risk factors for you being re-set or triggered.

Not only does it lower the risk it gives your husband the MUCH needed security he so much deserves right now.

I use this saying with my football players "Team above Self"-maybe we could change that and put "Family above Self" do what is best for the health of your family (not just for the short-term)