Hi.
I don't know really where to start, so I'll tell you all some history and then I'll get into my questions.

My wife and I got pregnant three years ago and becuase of the added expenses, and us really living beyond our means before this, I took on a second job. I worked every night right after my job monday through friday. Sometime there after I became a little distant. I don't know if you would even cal it that it was I just took her for granted. instead of coming homa and asking her how her day was and kissing her. I got on the computer, or played video games, or whatever.

fast forward to last November, My wife had beeen going to bars about two to three times a week after I got home from work so I could take care of the kid. I wanted her to be happy so I always told her she could and to have fun. At the end of November we found out that she was pregnant again, and that's when things went really south. Sge did not want to tbe pregant she told me.

After christmas this past year she told me that she did not love me anymore. this past year we have been tryng to work on our marriage and at the end of the summer she told me that if our marriage was going to work she needed for us to seperate for awhile. I moved out in october.

I hacked into her email facebook accounts on monday and noticed that she had been seeing another man. This man is the father of two of her former students. I have met the mant severral times and liked him:( boy was I a fool. I won't get into graphic details of the texts, but they are there. Also while I was in the house helping her put up the Christmas tree and taking care of the kids she was IM a guy she met on facebook saturday night.
I confronted her about this and she basically told me that the thing on facebook was a joke, and the whole Kevin (the father of the two students thing) was okay because it started when we seperated. Which I dont believe way too many things add up now

Despite all of this, I still love here and my family. I want to try to make my marriage work. Is all hope lost? Are there steps that I can take?

I am just having such a hard time right now. I can't eat or sleep. I keep fixating on what I could have done differently, and I just kep crying.

First of all, KEEP SNOOPING. Put a keylogger on that computer.

Keep records of all of this and DO NOT let her know that you have done so.

I've already told her I hacked into account. I was so mad when I saw it.

I'm also in a no fault state so it doesn't matter if she's banging a whole football team.

I'd say look up the laws. You'd be surprised how adultery can affect things. Do not relax--you've got to get INFORMED about your rights.

Araris, sorry you've had occasion to come here, but welcome to MarriageBuilders.

When your wife told you she wanted to separate "so the marriage could work," that kind of talk is usually code for "I want to conduct my affair without you around to interfere."

So #1, you need to move back into YOUR home. TODAY. If your reconciliation doesn't work (and there's a fair chance it won't), then you'll be screwed, blued & tatooed in any custody/visitation battle because your wife's lawyers will make it out to be like you abandoned your family. Get back in your home. It is YOUR home.

#2, If you want to have a chance of making the marriage work, that means you need to kill the affair. (That's another reason to move back home.) Killing the affair also means you need to snoop like a detective, get compelling evidence (print everything out) and EXPOSE the affair far & wide. To his parents. To her parents. And to her school (employer) if she is a teacher. Yes, this will probably get her fired; but having a teacher conducting an affair with parent of her students SHOULD get a teacher fired. She can always get another job. But you can't get another marriage to her. And if you don't expose the affair, it is less likely to end, and then you'll be far less likely to save the marriage.

#3, about this kid she got pregnant with last November... are you sure you're the father? You might wanna get a paternity test on that...

I going to say this for both of the kids. You don't know if this is the first OM and how long it has been going on.

And besides the key logger, VAR in the home and her car, and put a real time GPS on her phone and car. Never reveal these things.

Also being you found out see had an affair time to expose it. Tell OMW, OM parents, OM siblings, OM friends, and OM kids. Find if OM has FB then copy and past his contact list.

Then tell the FB contacts, but do it one minute at a time because FB will shut you down thinking you are a spammer.

Expose WW parents, siblings.

You have been getting some spectacular advice. Stick around, read all you can, and get acting on the advice you have been given. You're in good hands here.

LINK to "Operation Investigate"

Oh, dear.
Going to bars?
Getting pregnant?
Not wanting to be pregnant?
Have you considered that your second child may not be biologically yours?

Scotty's WELCOME for the new betrayed posters.

LINK to entire thread.

Why would you move out of your house when your wife is having an affair?

I will never for the life of me understand why a man will leave his home because his wife told him to.

Because the 'need for space' is never described as a 'need to cheat more freely on you' to the BH.

Chivalry. WWs know how to abuse that instinct in men.

I moved out becuase I have wanted our marriage to work and she told me she thought she could love me again if she had a seperation. So I moved out of the house becuase I did not want my kids or their mom to be in an apartment.

This is both of opur first marriages and we have been married for six, but we were together for 11 years. I met her when she was 19 and I was 26, so I stole her twenties. I am now 37 and she is 30.

Well, what's done is done, and you didn't know better, and I'm not here to give you a hard time about moving out then. But you see now that moving out doesn't help a struggling marriage, right? So looking to the present & future, you need to move back in. Back with your kids & into your home.

Ar,

First, welcome and sorry that you are here. Very happy that a friend sent you here, so you have to know that there is a huge value to learning how to take steps to save your marriage and recover from this.

Please read everything that Scotland has posted as a first step.

Know that this is a very great and safe place to share as people are here from both sides of the fence...former wayward spouses and betrayed spouses, so make a note of that.

Also know, given the above, that people here are going to suggest solutions to you and refer you to the material here on this site (A LOT)... and then come back with specific questions. This isn't a "blog" site. It's a solution site. Want a solution to offer you the best chances of recovering your marriage? Stay right here!


You are asking for help, and you'll get it...real, proven help from those that a) know, and b) support the MB concepts you'll be referred to time and time again.

Stick around, OK? I refer a LOT of people here! Most read (like I did) for a few months before posting. Normal and OK. Read wht Scotland posted, and then come back with questions as to how this all applies to you, and specific steps. Good?


And, For GOD'S SAKE GET BACK IN YOUR HOME. Unannounced.


"I moved out becuase I have wanted our marriage to work and she told me she thought she could love me again if she had a seperation. So I moved out of the house becuase I did not want my kids or their mom to be in an apartment. "

No no no. Do not leave your home! Go right back, move in, and sleep in your own bed each and every night.


Your WW WANTS you to move out for "space" for her to conduct her affair and firgure out how to replace you with Captain Friendly [censored] so that you are the "bad guy".


Read here, please. You will learn sooo much of this if you'll read for about 1.5 hours.

P.S. Pepperband posted the thread you NEED to read! And, she has links for you to read as well.

Look, you've got some work to do, and it might not seem fair. It isn't, but read what Scotland and Pepperband have posted to you. The info will open you eyes and help you focus on what to do with this pain and your situation.

Just read, and then ask questions.

Araris glad u made ur way over here

Read and listen to all the vets here

You'll be in for a fight

Hang in there

You will make it thru this one way or the other.

I promise

You know how to reach me.

Pepper everyone has told me that. I just can't or won't believe it. Regardless of whether she is ot isn't my baby girls is mine, so I will not go down that road. I can't and I won't.

I Picked up my kids yesterday and and told my wife we needed to talk. she said she wanted to talk to me as well. i had my courage up and i told her that i talked to an attorney about getting a divorce. she immediately said that she was wanting to talk to me about marriage builders. and i immediately went back into hope mode although i asked her why she wanted to try now and she said she was afraid i was going to take the kids away from her.

i told her i would never do that because she is a great mom (she really is). i left telling her that she needs to make up her mind. she is either all in or we need to end this because i cant stay on this rollercoaster. I want thos to work out, so badly, but she has told me now twice that she doens't love me anymore and the whole cheating thing as well.

She asked me if she could have a week to decide and I told her yes. I'm already regretting that decision. If you need a week then you really know what you want. I'm a fool, I know that I am.

I have not had time to read the marriage builers post or the program. I have been working two jobs and when I have the kids there just isnt time to getonto here. I have the kids this weekend. but I hope to get on here some.

Thanks Finah

Welcome araris!

I hope you get the chance to read up this weekend, and order the book SAA. You need to learn about the dynamics of an affair and the wayward thinking. As well as getting a plan in place.

Your WW is currently addicted. Just like you can't reason with a drunk at a bar, you can't reason with a wayward. First you have to sober them up. Keep reading on here, you'll get it.

Any chance you could get some sessions in with the Harleys, especially one with WW as she might be up for it?

Welcome, Araris.

You've made a few strategic blunders. No matter - that's totally understandable. Let's get you back on track.

First, move back home! You moved out and gave your WW plenty of room to grow her affair. Move back today. Don't tell her you're coming - just DO it.

Keep snooping. Get spyware on her phone and on the computer as soon as you can. This will be much easier to accomplish if you're living at home. DON'T LET HER KNOW! Bring the info here and we'll help you with what you need to do with it.

Find out everything you can about OM. Where does he work? Is he married?

Your WW asked for a week as a way of putting you off. When the week is up she'll ask for more time. She doesn't want to make a decision because she likes her current situation just fine. You're paying the bills while she has fun with her OM. She's cake-eating. That needs to come to an end.

Get back in the house first. (And ignore her shrieks of outrage when you do so. It's your house, too!)

Indeed. Plant yourself in the big man-chair (if you have one) Sit at the head of the table. Get back in the master bedroom. Tell her she is welcome to claim her rightful place next to you. But if not she knows where you are if she changes her mind.

Be the husband. Be there. Be loving. Be unapologetic about it. Do it with a bit of whistling, a bit of support around the house and a bit of flirting. Enjoy the time with DD.

Ignore her ear-splitting shrieks of rage while you do all this.

Dude,

If you want to have any success you need to stop appeasing and start taking action.

Move back into your home immediately. It's your rightful place.

Then, without warning, tell everyone who matters about the affair.

Finally, let her know that if you go down the path of divorce that you won't be friends or make it pleasant. Saying otherwise is a lie. There is no such thing as an amicable divorce.

But the only solution for you is to stop appeasing. Go home and tell her you changed your mind about giving her another week. Your mind is made up about saving the marriage and she's free to leave if she wishes. You and the kids are staying hom.

This is the ONLY way you will be able to save your marriage. Appeasement never works and you just gave your wife a week to test the waters out with OM to see if he's a better choice than you.

Well guys. I appreciate the advice. but I think I have come to a the decision that I can't stay with her. I thought I could overlook it, but I pick up the kids tonight and she is out and the only thing I can think about is what is she doing.

I'm not going to live like this. Tomorrow I am going to call he and tell her that we need to file for divorce. I'm done. Ican't do it. Every time I see her I just think about I much I love her and want to be with her but she has absolutely no respect for me.

Araris,

TWO DAYS ago you were telling us HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HER...

And a whole TWO DAYS from then you are telling us you can't do this anymore???

You've got to be kidding, right???

You have received excellent advice so far...

As I did when I came here for help to save my marriage.

AND WE DID!!!

Why have you not listened to ANY of it???

When your wife's affair crumbles and she discovers she STILL loves you...

And you STILL love her...

Will you wish you had listened to the people who could have helped you save your marriage???

This program works...

IF YOU FOLLOW IT.

The choice is yours...

God bless.

Jim

Araris. This is what we call the rollercoaster. One day up, next day down.

You are still very close to D Day and you need to make decisions based on logic, not emotion, ok?

You say you still love her. That is not surprising. What we dont want to see is you missing her in a few days time and her weasling her way in without you being firm about the MB Plans she has to adhere to.

SO many posters on here have gone straight to Plan FU - then a few months later they felt they didnt try hard enough and then they completely caved in to their WS and got into a false recovery.

Dont make any permanent decisions this soon. Stick to the logical procession of the plans. Tick off each stage. Dont think about right now, just think about the bigger picture.

The MB Plans are for YOU and your healing. They are not for your WW. They are to give YOU options. In x months time your feelings will settle and you will know what you want. You want to have as many options as possible when that time comes.

the plans will

1) Put you in a position where you have either a repentant waywaward or you are in a position to heal and divorce without any regrets.
2)Knowledge that you did everything you could for the marriage so you have no regrets if it needs to end.

A divorce can be filed for later. When you arent reeling so much. When your love bank has lessened and it wont hurt as much. There is no hurry.



Why would you overlook her affair? That would send a very uncaring message. Demand she end it and insist she work on recovery.



Of course not. Tell her so. The aim is to kill the affair. Thats your plan.



Tell her if she continues her affair she can expect a nasty divorce and you wont be friends afterwards. Tell her you love her and she can choose the marriage if she ends her A and starts behaving like a wife. Put a GPS on her phone/car so you can tail her. Next time show up wherever she has gone and tell the guy to leave her alone. Dont tell her about the GPS.

Give her a 'free trial' of a husband who stands up for the marriage and who loves her. Let that be the last thing she sees before you cut her off in Plan B.

Right now she is spinning the fiction that you dont care. I dont think you are ok with that.

Move in, and do something fun like bring in a gingerbread house making kit with you, and some presents to put under the tree. Tell the kids and your wife you love them and you're home!

I would do that now.

And go directly, I repeat, go directly to OPERATION INVESTIGATE and learn how to snoop effectively on your cheating wife. She will not be expecting this, so also learn and read up on plan A. Plan A her to death!

That means look good and smell good at all times. That means to dress well and if you do not already, then begin taking better care of your outward appearance. offer to do household chores. When you talk to her, do so and look her directly in her eyes.

All the while doing this, you gain intel on your ww and learn and find out who the om is. If you are unable to quickly (like within a few days)figure out his identity, my suggestion is to hire a PI to find out.

Then you do the part of plan B that usually kills off the skanky affair, which is exposure! We will get to that soon. First of all, plan A her butt off, and move your butt back home. And learn the fine art of snooping, which you desperately need to do a crash course on right now. You're like Bond..James Bond right now and you're on a mission. The mission is to win your wife back and save your marriage and sabotage the affair.

WWBD? What would Bond do? Easy, he would formulate a plan to secretly attain his objective. So that's what you do too! As a woman, I can tell you, women do not want to see a man who is a doormat.

You need to be silent, strong, say what you need to say, look good, and smell good, and be a real partner around the house. She may have been feeling some need was unmet in her life and went elsewhere and took the cowardly way out. Do you know her top emotional needs? Bond would have already done a test to determine which hers were. You can learn about them here on MB btw.

Once you realize her top 3 emotional needs, you center your strategy around that too. You meet those top 3 needs like a champion. Look, the affair is not your fault. It is hers. But we all are busy and go about our lives doing our routines and it is easy to as I say, let life get in the way of our love.

So use our plan. It works. No whining, no begging, crying, or pleading to her. Women think it's unattractive. You formulate a good plan and work it. We're here.