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Joined: May 2011
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Welcome araris!

I hope you get the chance to read up this weekend, and order the book SAA. You need to learn about the dynamics of an affair and the wayward thinking. As well as getting a plan in place.

Your WW is currently addicted. Just like you can't reason with a drunk at a bar, you can't reason with a wayward. First you have to sober them up. Keep reading on here, you'll get it.

Any chance you could get some sessions in with the Harleys, especially one with WW as she might be up for it?


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Welcome, Araris.

You've made a few strategic blunders. No matter - that's totally understandable. Let's get you back on track.

First, move back home! You moved out and gave your WW plenty of room to grow her affair. Move back today. Don't tell her you're coming - just DO it.

Keep snooping. Get spyware on her phone and on the computer as soon as you can. This will be much easier to accomplish if you're living at home. DON'T LET HER KNOW! Bring the info here and we'll help you with what you need to do with it.

Find out everything you can about OM. Where does he work? Is he married?

Your WW asked for a week as a way of putting you off. When the week is up she'll ask for more time. She doesn't want to make a decision because she likes her current situation just fine. You're paying the bills while she has fun with her OM. She's cake-eating. That needs to come to an end.

Get back in the house first. (And ignore her shrieks of outrage when you do so. It's your house, too!)



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Welcome, Araris.

You've made a few strategic blunders. No matter - that's totally understandable. Let's get you back on track.

First, move back home! You moved out and gave your WW plenty of room to grow her affair. Move back today. Don't tell her you're coming - just DO it.

Keep snooping. Get spyware on her phone and on the computer as soon as you can. This will be much easier to accomplish if you're living at home. DON'T LET HER KNOW! Bring the info here and we'll help you with what you need to do with it.

Find out everything you can about OM. Where does he work? Is he married?

Your WW asked for a week as a way of putting you off. When the week is up she'll ask for more time. She doesn't want to make a decision because she likes her current situation just fine. You're paying the bills while she has fun with her OM. She's cake-eating. That needs to come to an end.

Get back in the house first. (And ignore her shrieks of outrage when you do so. It's your house, too!)


Indeed. Plant yourself in the big man-chair (if you have one) Sit at the head of the table. Get back in the master bedroom. Tell her she is welcome to claim her rightful place next to you. But if not she knows where you are if she changes her mind.

Be the husband. Be there. Be loving. Be unapologetic about it. Do it with a bit of whistling, a bit of support around the house and a bit of flirting. Enjoy the time with DD.

Ignore her ear-splitting shrieks of rage while you do all this.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Dude,

If you want to have any success you need to stop appeasing and start taking action.

Move back into your home immediately. It's your rightful place.

Then, without warning, tell everyone who matters about the affair.

Finally, let her know that if you go down the path of divorce that you won't be friends or make it pleasant. Saying otherwise is a lie. There is no such thing as an amicable divorce.

But the only solution for you is to stop appeasing. Go home and tell her you changed your mind about giving her another week. Your mind is made up about saving the marriage and she's free to leave if she wishes. You and the kids are staying hom.

This is the ONLY way you will be able to save your marriage. Appeasement never works and you just gave your wife a week to test the waters out with OM to see if he's a better choice than you.

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Well guys. I appreciate the advice. but I think I have come to a the decision that I can't stay with her. I thought I could overlook it, but I pick up the kids tonight and she is out and the only thing I can think about is what is she doing.

I'm not going to live like this. Tomorrow I am going to call he and tell her that we need to file for divorce. I'm done. Ican't do it. Every time I see her I just think about I much I love her and want to be with her but she has absolutely no respect for me.

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Originally Posted by Araris
Well guys. I appreciate the advice. but I think I have come to a the decision that I can't stay with her. I thought I could overlook it, but I pick up the kids tonight and she is out and the only thing I can think about is what is she doing.

I'm not going to live like this. Tomorrow I am going to call he and tell her that we need to file for divorce. I'm done. Ican't do it. Every time I see her I just think about I much I love her and want to be with her but she has absolutely no respect for me.

Araris,

TWO DAYS ago you were telling us HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HER...

And a whole TWO DAYS from then you are telling us you can't do this anymore???

You've got to be kidding, right???

You have received excellent advice so far...

As I did when I came here for help to save my marriage.

AND WE DID!!!

Why have you not listened to ANY of it???

When your wife's affair crumbles and she discovers she STILL loves you...

And you STILL love her...

Will you wish you had listened to the people who could have helped you save your marriage???

This program works...

IF YOU FOLLOW IT.

The choice is yours...

God bless.

Jim


FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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Originally Posted by Araris
Well guys. I appreciate the advice. but I think I have come to a the decision that I can't stay with her. I thought I could overlook it, but I pick up the kids tonight and she is out and the only thing I can think about is what is she doing.

I'm not going to live like this. Tomorrow I am going to call he and tell her that we need to file for divorce. I'm done. Ican't do it. Every time I see her I just think about I much I love her and want to be with her but she has absolutely no respect for me.


Araris. This is what we call the rollercoaster. One day up, next day down.

You are still very close to D Day and you need to make decisions based on logic, not emotion, ok?

You say you still love her. That is not surprising. What we dont want to see is you missing her in a few days time and her weasling her way in without you being firm about the MB Plans she has to adhere to.

SO many posters on here have gone straight to Plan FU - then a few months later they felt they didnt try hard enough and then they completely caved in to their WS and got into a false recovery.

Dont make any permanent decisions this soon. Stick to the logical procession of the plans. Tick off each stage. Dont think about right now, just think about the bigger picture.

The MB Plans are for YOU and your healing. They are not for your WW. They are to give YOU options. In x months time your feelings will settle and you will know what you want. You want to have as many options as possible when that time comes.

the plans will

1) Put you in a position where you have either a repentant waywaward or you are in a position to heal and divorce without any regrets.
2)Knowledge that you did everything you could for the marriage so you have no regrets if it needs to end.

A divorce can be filed for later. When you arent reeling so much. When your love bank has lessened and it wont hurt as much. There is no hurry.

Originally Posted by Araris
I thought I could overlook it,


Why would you overlook her affair? That would send a very uncaring message. Demand she end it and insist she work on recovery.

Originally Posted by Araris
I'm not going to live like this.


Of course not. Tell her so. The aim is to kill the affair. Thats your plan.

Originally Posted by Araris
she is out and the only thing I can think about is what is she doing.


Tell her if she continues her affair she can expect a nasty divorce and you wont be friends afterwards. Tell her you love her and she can choose the marriage if she ends her A and starts behaving like a wife. Put a GPS on her phone/car so you can tail her. Next time show up wherever she has gone and tell the guy to leave her alone. Dont tell her about the GPS.

Give her a 'free trial' of a husband who stands up for the marriage and who loves her. Let that be the last thing she sees before you cut her off in Plan B.

Right now she is spinning the fiction that you dont care. I dont think you are ok with that.

Last edited by indiegirl; 12/10/11 09:41 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Move in, and do something fun like bring in a gingerbread house making kit with you, and some presents to put under the tree. Tell the kids and your wife you love them and you're home!

I would do that now.

And go directly, I repeat, go directly to OPERATION INVESTIGATE and learn how to snoop effectively on your cheating wife. She will not be expecting this, so also learn and read up on plan A. Plan A her to death!

That means look good and smell good at all times. That means to dress well and if you do not already, then begin taking better care of your outward appearance. offer to do household chores. When you talk to her, do so and look her directly in her eyes.

All the while doing this, you gain intel on your ww and learn and find out who the om is. If you are unable to quickly (like within a few days)figure out his identity, my suggestion is to hire a PI to find out.

Then you do the part of plan B that usually kills off the skanky affair, which is exposure! We will get to that soon. First of all, plan A her butt off, and move your butt back home. And learn the fine art of snooping, which you desperately need to do a crash course on right now. You're like Bond..James Bond right now and you're on a mission. The mission is to win your wife back and save your marriage and sabotage the affair.

WWBD? What would Bond do? Easy, he would formulate a plan to secretly attain his objective. So that's what you do too! As a woman, I can tell you, women do not want to see a man who is a doormat.

You need to be silent, strong, say what you need to say, look good, and smell good, and be a real partner around the house. She may have been feeling some need was unmet in her life and went elsewhere and took the cowardly way out. Do you know her top emotional needs? Bond would have already done a test to determine which hers were. You can learn about them here on MB btw.

Once you realize her top 3 emotional needs, you center your strategy around that too. You meet those top 3 needs like a champion. Look, the affair is not your fault. It is hers. But we all are busy and go about our lives doing our routines and it is easy to as I say, let life get in the way of our love.

So use our plan. It works. No whining, no begging, crying, or pleading to her. Women think it's unattractive. You formulate a good plan and work it. We're here.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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