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OP
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Hi.
I don't know really where to start, so I'll tell you all some history and then I'll get into my questions.
My wife and I got pregnant three years ago and becuase of the added expenses, and us really living beyond our means before this, I took on a second job. I worked every night right after my job monday through friday. Sometime there after I became a little distant. I don't know if you would even cal it that it was I just took her for granted. instead of coming homa and asking her how her day was and kissing her. I got on the computer, or played video games, or whatever.
fast forward to last November, My wife had beeen going to bars about two to three times a week after I got home from work so I could take care of the kid. I wanted her to be happy so I always told her she could and to have fun. At the end of November we found out that she was pregnant again, and that's when things went really south. Sge did not want to tbe pregant she told me.
After christmas this past year she told me that she did not love me anymore. this past year we have been tryng to work on our marriage and at the end of the summer she told me that if our marriage was going to work she needed for us to seperate for awhile. I moved out in october.
I hacked into her email facebook accounts on monday and noticed that she had been seeing another man. This man is the father of two of her former students. I have met the mant severral times and liked him:( boy was I a fool. I won't get into graphic details of the texts, but they are there. Also while I was in the house helping her put up the Christmas tree and taking care of the kids she was IM a guy she met on facebook saturday night.
I confronted her about this and she basically told me that the thing on facebook was a joke, and the whole Kevin (the father of the two students thing) was okay because it started when we seperated. Which I dont believe way too many things add up now
Despite all of this, I still love here and my family. I want to try to make my marriage work. Is all hope lost? Are there steps that I can take?
I am just having such a hard time right now. I can't eat or sleep. I keep fixating on what I could have done differently, and I just kep crying.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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First of all, KEEP SNOOPING. Put a keylogger on that computer.
Keep records of all of this and DO NOT let her know that you have done so.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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OP
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I've already told her I hacked into account. I was so mad when I saw it.
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OP
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I'm also in a no fault state so it doesn't matter if she's banging a whole football team.
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I'd say look up the laws. You'd be surprised how adultery can affect things. Do not relax--you've got to get INFORMED about your rights.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Araris, sorry you've had occasion to come here, but welcome to MarriageBuilders.
When your wife told you she wanted to separate "so the marriage could work," that kind of talk is usually code for "I want to conduct my affair without you around to interfere."
So #1, you need to move back into YOUR home. TODAY. If your reconciliation doesn't work (and there's a fair chance it won't), then you'll be screwed, blued & tatooed in any custody/visitation battle because your wife's lawyers will make it out to be like you abandoned your family. Get back in your home. It is YOUR home.
#2, If you want to have a chance of making the marriage work, that means you need to kill the affair. (That's another reason to move back home.) Killing the affair also means you need to snoop like a detective, get compelling evidence (print everything out) and EXPOSE the affair far & wide. To his parents. To her parents. And to her school (employer) if she is a teacher. Yes, this will probably get her fired; but having a teacher conducting an affair with parent of her students SHOULD get a teacher fired. She can always get another job. But you can't get another marriage to her. And if you don't expose the affair, it is less likely to end, and then you'll be far less likely to save the marriage.
#3, about this kid she got pregnant with last November... are you sure you're the father? You might wanna get a paternity test on that...
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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#3, about this kid she got pregnant with last November... are you sure you're the father? You might wanna get a paternity test on that... I going to say this for both of the kids. You don't know if this is the first OM and how long it has been going on. And besides the key logger, VAR in the home and her car, and put a real time GPS on her phone and car. Never reveal these things. Also being you found out see had an affair time to expose it. Tell OMW, OM parents, OM siblings, OM friends, and OM kids. Find if OM has FB then copy and past his contact list. Then tell the FB contacts, but do it one minute at a time because FB will shut you down thinking you are a spammer. Expose WW parents, siblings.
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You have been getting some spectacular advice. Stick around, read all you can, and get acting on the advice you have been given. You're in good hands here.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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fast forward to last November, My wife had beeen going to bars about two to three times a week after I got home from work so I could take care of the kid. I wanted her to be happy so I always told her she could and to have fun. At the end of November we found out that she was pregnant again, and that's when things went really south. Sge did not want to tbe pregant she told me. Oh, dear.  Going to bars? Getting pregnant? Not wanting to be pregnant? Have you considered that your second child may not be biologically yours?
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Scotty's WELCOME for the new betrayed posters. LINK to entire thread. As it is sometimes slow around here at times, like weekends, holidays and such, and it seems that we can get newly BS every day, I thought I would take the time to make a thread that would help the newly BS. Feel free to add to it whatever you need to, as I am sure I will miss some important things. Also, if there is already a thread about this, link it. It is hard to always find links to things without great vets around. Okay. Now for the betrayed spouses, we are sorry that you are here and welcome. There are some important questions that we need answered before we can help you. How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?
Do you have any children? How old are they?
How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?
How did your WS meet their AP?
How long did the A last?
How did you find out about the A?
Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?Now there are some links to some threads, articles and such that you should read BEFORE we can help you fully. These are the links Basic Concepts How to survive Infidelity? Articles Q&A Columns Abbreviations and Acronyms Longhorn's thread for BS Wat's Guideline's General Welcome Notable posts After you have read all of this info, you should try reading others threads as well. You will see some VERY similar stories to your own and the advice will most likely be the same. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you fill out your signature line on your profile page with some basic info, we will be able to keep your story straight. Unfortunately, there are A LOT of people on these boards, and some of us don't come on here often. Reading people's siggy's(signature line) may also help you see who has recovered, either personally or maritally. You can click on their name, go to view posts, topics created and go to the first page. You may find their story useful. Many of the things that you see advised to you may seem counter-intuitive. It seemed that way to all of us too, AT FIRST. Also, we posters tend to give some  2x4's to help you out. Don't get discouraged. Listen to the advice. You may need to read your own thread a couple of times. We are here to help. PLEASE MAKE SURE TO STAY ON ONE THREAD. AGAIN, A LOT OF POSTERS. You CAN do this.
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Why would you move out of your house when your wife is having an affair?
I will never for the life of me understand why a man will leave his home because his wife told him to.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Because the 'need for space' is never described as a 'need to cheat more freely on you' to the BH.
Chivalry. WWs know how to abuse that instinct in men.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I moved out becuase I have wanted our marriage to work and she told me she thought she could love me again if she had a seperation. So I moved out of the house becuase I did not want my kids or their mom to be in an apartment.
This is both of opur first marriages and we have been married for six, but we were together for 11 years. I met her when she was 19 and I was 26, so I stole her twenties. I am now 37 and she is 30.
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I moved out becuase I have wanted our marriage to work and she told me she thought she could love me again if she had a seperation. So I moved out of the house becuase I did not want my kids or their mom to be in an apartment.
This is both of opur first marriages and we have been married for six, but we were together for 11 years. I met her when she was 19 and I was 26, so I stole her twenties. I am now 37 and she is 30.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Ar, First, welcome and sorry that you are here. Very happy that a friend sent you here, so you have to know that there is a huge value to learning how to take steps to save your marriage and recover from this. Please read everything that Scotland has posted as a first step. Know that this is a very great and safe place to share as people are here from both sides of the fence...former wayward spouses and betrayed spouses, so make a note of that. Also know, given the above, that people here are going to suggest solutions to you and refer you to the material here on this site (A LOT)... and then come back with specific questions. This isn't a "blog" site. It's a solution site. Want a solution to offer you the best chances of recovering your marriage? Stay right here! You are asking for help, and you'll get it...real, proven help from those that a) know, and b) support the MB concepts you'll be referred to time and time again. Stick around, OK? I refer a LOT of people here! Most read (like I did) for a few months before posting. Normal and OK. Read wht Scotland posted, and then come back with questions as to how this all applies to you, and specific steps. Good? And, For GOD'S SAKE GET BACK IN YOUR HOME. Unannounced. "I moved out becuase I have wanted our marriage to work and she told me she thought she could love me again if she had a seperation. So I moved out of the house becuase I did not want my kids or their mom to be in an apartment. " No no no.  Do not leave your home! Go right back, move in, and sleep in your own bed each and every night. Your WW WANTS you to move out for "space" for her to conduct her affair and firgure out how to replace you with Captain Friendly [censored] so that you are the "bad guy". Read here, please. You will learn sooo much of this if you'll read for about 1.5 hours.
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P.S. Pepperband posted the thread you NEED to read! And, she has links for you to read as well.
Look, you've got some work to do, and it might not seem fair. It isn't, but read what Scotland and Pepperband have posted to you. The info will open you eyes and help you focus on what to do with this pain and your situation.
Just read, and then ask questions.
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Araris glad u made ur way over here
Read and listen to all the vets here
You'll be in for a fight
Hang in there
You will make it thru this one way or the other.
I promise
You know how to reach me.
WW Are Fun
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Pepper everyone has told me that. I just can't or won't believe it. Regardless of whether she is ot isn't my baby girls is mine, so I will not go down that road. I can't and I won't.
I Picked up my kids yesterday and and told my wife we needed to talk. she said she wanted to talk to me as well. i had my courage up and i told her that i talked to an attorney about getting a divorce. she immediately said that she was wanting to talk to me about marriage builders. and i immediately went back into hope mode although i asked her why she wanted to try now and she said she was afraid i was going to take the kids away from her.
i told her i would never do that because she is a great mom (she really is). i left telling her that she needs to make up her mind. she is either all in or we need to end this because i cant stay on this rollercoaster. I want thos to work out, so badly, but she has told me now twice that she doens't love me anymore and the whole cheating thing as well.
She asked me if she could have a week to decide and I told her yes. I'm already regretting that decision. If you need a week then you really know what you want. I'm a fool, I know that I am.
I have not had time to read the marriage builers post or the program. I have been working two jobs and when I have the kids there just isnt time to getonto here. I have the kids this weekend. but I hope to get on here some.
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