Dying inside, I can't accept defeat - 01/13/12 07:48 PM
Short version by Indiegirl:
2 kids
cheating on you with another married, insubordinate soldier.
You saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations.
his family unsupportive
Both APs kicked out of army due to military exposure
WH comes and goes dissapperaed for up to 2 months on one occasion, MIL physically assualted you on one of his return trips
You have listened to MB books galore
WH throws you the occasional bone in talking bits of recovery but he is not committed.
Long version, by me!
I had just began my life as a civilian post-enlistment in the Army. I began working full time at a clincial laboratory in Womack AMC, Ft Bragg, NC. I also began taking college courses in my spare time. My husband and I met working at the same lab during second shift. We dated about 9-10 months then married in court October 2004. I was already a veteran of 6 years service in the USArmy. He was still an active duty soldier in the the Army. I owned a house and we lived extremely in love and happily for several years before we finally became pregnant with our first born. She was born Feb 2007. Sean deployed Aug 2007 to Iraq. He came back and we were scheduled to move to Fort Rucker, AL. We chose to move to Ft Rucker, because we wanted to be closer to his family in Pensacola, FL (only 2.5 hours drive). We became pregnant again. I worked a small retail job for 3 months, then quit to attend school again. Our son was born on Thanksgiving day, Nov 2009. My husband received orders to move to Ft Hood, TX. We moved to Ft Hood, and before we knew it he was scheduled to deploy with his new unit. We both decided it was best if I got a full-time GS job again. Of all locations I applied, Womack hired me for an outlying clinic position. We moved out of pocket back to Fayetteville, NC. He left to deploy, but before he left the U.S., I purchased our current house with his consent and power of attorney. I began working end of Sep. 2010. His mother moved to Fayetteville to help me out. My husband's cousin (close like a brother), also in the Army, moved by assignment to Fayetteville as well.
Husband came home for his mid-tour rest and recovery (R&R) leave. This is when I noticed how distant and cold he was to me. He spent more time with his cousin and mother than with me and or our children. One night in bed I said "I love you," and when he said nothing, I asked "Do you even love me?" to which he replied, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that." An emotional arguement began and asked him if he was involved with someone else. He flat out lied to me, denying any affair. I sent him to sleep on the sofa downstairs from that night on. We went to 3 "emergency" marital counseling sessions, to no avail. Came time for him to redeploy back to Iraq, I refused to take him to the airport, so he got a ride with his cousin and mother. I returned to counseling for my own sanity. Husband had left on a Sunday morning. Later that Thursday just after my counseling, I broke into his FaceBook account and discovered my worst nightmare. He had been cheating on me with another married, insubordinate soldier. She was 6 years younger than him and did not care that she was hurting her own husband who was a deployed infantry soldier. I saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations. Without warning, the following Saturday I showed his mother the FB transcripts. I acted as if I was equally surprised to see her reaction. She was stunned and cried some. She said he had betrayed her as well. Apparantly she knew he was cheating on me and confronted him while he was home on his R&R. She told me he had lied to her. I don't trust her - I believe she knew much more than she let on.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke into his hotmail account and sent an email to his assigned "angel" - a program which assigns a volunteer to support a soldier over in Iraq. Husband skyped with me nervously the following Saturday. Once he knew that I discovered his affair, he had agreed to try to reconcile. But I told him that I was going to report them to their commander, because I could not trust that they would stay apart. I did just that. I started the proper way to report the affair, moving up the chain of command as a courtesy to the unit. But after waiting for 3 - 4 weeks being polite and patient while requesting any information from the unit and or the husband, I still had nothing. I finally decided to tell his unit I would send their case to IG if they continued to do nothing about it. Next thing husband becomes angry with me because they began to chapter him and her out of the Army. He announces he no longer wishes to reconcile. The unit kicked her out first. Then they sent him back to TX and kicked him out too. He received a "general" discharge by way of chapter 14 - apparantly a pretty bad chapter. Anyhow, he went straight to Pensacola and lived with his grandparents who basically coddled him while telling me they remain neutral in our situation. I thought that didn't make sense because if they had been truley neutral, wouldn't they have NOT welcomed him into their home? Shouldn't they have told him to be responsible for his actions? Well they did no such thing. Husband was completely inconsistant in staying in contact. He did not even bother to speak to our children.
After about a month of no success in acquiring a new job in Pensacola, he left in the middle of the night without telling his grandparents. He did not contact me for 2 months. Meanwhile, tension and bad feelings built up between my mother-in-law and her husband. They refused to return property that belonged to my husband and I. All of a sudden he announced he was coming up to Fayetteville. He came up and stayed with his cousin and his cousin's pregnant wife who was finally stationed at Ft Bragg. Early summer 2010, my husband asked to visit our children and at the last minute requested to bring his mother with him. My father was visiting from VA and my close friends were at my house so we could all celebrate my birthday. Before my husband and his mother could enter the house, I spoke to them on the front porch. Before I knew it, the conversation between his mother and I became heated. I told her more than once to leave, and that she was not welcome anymore. She did not leave. Instead she grabbed at me violently, breaking my nose and slamming me against my front door knob. All this occured right before my husband's eyes and he did NOTHING to stop her. My father and my friend's husband ran outside and separated me from the MIL.
I quickly hired a lawyer. Several court dates later, I had to request dismissal for the case against my MIL for trespassing and simple assualt, because I had to save money for custody and child support hearings which were more important to me. We now have joint custody, but I am primary custodial parent and he has visitation rights. I also receive a minimal amount for child support because he had no job. Just recently he was hired back at Womack lab as a government employee (an Army civilian like me). Currently I am still working full-time dayshift at one of Womack's outerlying clinics. I have a superb support system between my coworkers, my close friends in town and out of town, my father and brother who still live in VA, few distant relatives, an awesome therapist whom I see regularly while taking anti-depressant meds, and a fantastic private day care for my children.
I bought and listened to (repeatedly I might add) the audio book, His Needs, Her Needs (recommended by one of my closest friends). I also bought and read Surviving an Affair. In addition, I eventually purchased Love Busters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. I even bought and am still reading His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. I have also read through many pages of the MB website and some of the posts on the forum. I have also listened to the MB live station on my iPhone. At one point my husband even agreed to fill out some of the worksheets and agreed we could go over them together. He did fill out some of them and we shared a few, but I could tell he is just not commited. He refuses to attend marital counseling, and he clearly does not feel as though he has done anything wrong. Commincating with him is (no exaggeration) like pulling teeth. I have managed over a period of time to find out this much about how he feels: he desires the freedom to hang out with his friends and family whenever he desires (without having to consider me or our children), he does not want tension between me and his family members, and most recently admitted that he is "just tired of being married." All my friends, family and therapist say the same thing: let him go and worry about yourself and your kids. But I just cannot accept defeat!!! I absolutely do NOT want a divorce - I believe in working things out and achieving a stronger marraige as a result. But as our one year separation date nears, my fears seem to be coming to fruition. Our one-year sep. date is April 11, 2012. On Apr 12, he will be allowed to file for a no-contest divorce and I won't be able to do anything about it, at least not in the state of NC. I am just dying every day April nears. I am open to any advice... and I look to my peers for guidance while I continue to pray to God.
2 kids
cheating on you with another married, insubordinate soldier.
You saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations.
his family unsupportive
Both APs kicked out of army due to military exposure
WH comes and goes dissapperaed for up to 2 months on one occasion, MIL physically assualted you on one of his return trips
You have listened to MB books galore
WH throws you the occasional bone in talking bits of recovery but he is not committed.
Long version, by me!
I had just began my life as a civilian post-enlistment in the Army. I began working full time at a clincial laboratory in Womack AMC, Ft Bragg, NC. I also began taking college courses in my spare time. My husband and I met working at the same lab during second shift. We dated about 9-10 months then married in court October 2004. I was already a veteran of 6 years service in the USArmy. He was still an active duty soldier in the the Army. I owned a house and we lived extremely in love and happily for several years before we finally became pregnant with our first born. She was born Feb 2007. Sean deployed Aug 2007 to Iraq. He came back and we were scheduled to move to Fort Rucker, AL. We chose to move to Ft Rucker, because we wanted to be closer to his family in Pensacola, FL (only 2.5 hours drive). We became pregnant again. I worked a small retail job for 3 months, then quit to attend school again. Our son was born on Thanksgiving day, Nov 2009. My husband received orders to move to Ft Hood, TX. We moved to Ft Hood, and before we knew it he was scheduled to deploy with his new unit. We both decided it was best if I got a full-time GS job again. Of all locations I applied, Womack hired me for an outlying clinic position. We moved out of pocket back to Fayetteville, NC. He left to deploy, but before he left the U.S., I purchased our current house with his consent and power of attorney. I began working end of Sep. 2010. His mother moved to Fayetteville to help me out. My husband's cousin (close like a brother), also in the Army, moved by assignment to Fayetteville as well.
Husband came home for his mid-tour rest and recovery (R&R) leave. This is when I noticed how distant and cold he was to me. He spent more time with his cousin and mother than with me and or our children. One night in bed I said "I love you," and when he said nothing, I asked "Do you even love me?" to which he replied, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that." An emotional arguement began and asked him if he was involved with someone else. He flat out lied to me, denying any affair. I sent him to sleep on the sofa downstairs from that night on. We went to 3 "emergency" marital counseling sessions, to no avail. Came time for him to redeploy back to Iraq, I refused to take him to the airport, so he got a ride with his cousin and mother. I returned to counseling for my own sanity. Husband had left on a Sunday morning. Later that Thursday just after my counseling, I broke into his FaceBook account and discovered my worst nightmare. He had been cheating on me with another married, insubordinate soldier. She was 6 years younger than him and did not care that she was hurting her own husband who was a deployed infantry soldier. I saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations. Without warning, the following Saturday I showed his mother the FB transcripts. I acted as if I was equally surprised to see her reaction. She was stunned and cried some. She said he had betrayed her as well. Apparantly she knew he was cheating on me and confronted him while he was home on his R&R. She told me he had lied to her. I don't trust her - I believe she knew much more than she let on.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke into his hotmail account and sent an email to his assigned "angel" - a program which assigns a volunteer to support a soldier over in Iraq. Husband skyped with me nervously the following Saturday. Once he knew that I discovered his affair, he had agreed to try to reconcile. But I told him that I was going to report them to their commander, because I could not trust that they would stay apart. I did just that. I started the proper way to report the affair, moving up the chain of command as a courtesy to the unit. But after waiting for 3 - 4 weeks being polite and patient while requesting any information from the unit and or the husband, I still had nothing. I finally decided to tell his unit I would send their case to IG if they continued to do nothing about it. Next thing husband becomes angry with me because they began to chapter him and her out of the Army. He announces he no longer wishes to reconcile. The unit kicked her out first. Then they sent him back to TX and kicked him out too. He received a "general" discharge by way of chapter 14 - apparantly a pretty bad chapter. Anyhow, he went straight to Pensacola and lived with his grandparents who basically coddled him while telling me they remain neutral in our situation. I thought that didn't make sense because if they had been truley neutral, wouldn't they have NOT welcomed him into their home? Shouldn't they have told him to be responsible for his actions? Well they did no such thing. Husband was completely inconsistant in staying in contact. He did not even bother to speak to our children.
After about a month of no success in acquiring a new job in Pensacola, he left in the middle of the night without telling his grandparents. He did not contact me for 2 months. Meanwhile, tension and bad feelings built up between my mother-in-law and her husband. They refused to return property that belonged to my husband and I. All of a sudden he announced he was coming up to Fayetteville. He came up and stayed with his cousin and his cousin's pregnant wife who was finally stationed at Ft Bragg. Early summer 2010, my husband asked to visit our children and at the last minute requested to bring his mother with him. My father was visiting from VA and my close friends were at my house so we could all celebrate my birthday. Before my husband and his mother could enter the house, I spoke to them on the front porch. Before I knew it, the conversation between his mother and I became heated. I told her more than once to leave, and that she was not welcome anymore. She did not leave. Instead she grabbed at me violently, breaking my nose and slamming me against my front door knob. All this occured right before my husband's eyes and he did NOTHING to stop her. My father and my friend's husband ran outside and separated me from the MIL.
I quickly hired a lawyer. Several court dates later, I had to request dismissal for the case against my MIL for trespassing and simple assualt, because I had to save money for custody and child support hearings which were more important to me. We now have joint custody, but I am primary custodial parent and he has visitation rights. I also receive a minimal amount for child support because he had no job. Just recently he was hired back at Womack lab as a government employee (an Army civilian like me). Currently I am still working full-time dayshift at one of Womack's outerlying clinics. I have a superb support system between my coworkers, my close friends in town and out of town, my father and brother who still live in VA, few distant relatives, an awesome therapist whom I see regularly while taking anti-depressant meds, and a fantastic private day care for my children.
I bought and listened to (repeatedly I might add) the audio book, His Needs, Her Needs (recommended by one of my closest friends). I also bought and read Surviving an Affair. In addition, I eventually purchased Love Busters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. I even bought and am still reading His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. I have also read through many pages of the MB website and some of the posts on the forum. I have also listened to the MB live station on my iPhone. At one point my husband even agreed to fill out some of the worksheets and agreed we could go over them together. He did fill out some of them and we shared a few, but I could tell he is just not commited. He refuses to attend marital counseling, and he clearly does not feel as though he has done anything wrong. Commincating with him is (no exaggeration) like pulling teeth. I have managed over a period of time to find out this much about how he feels: he desires the freedom to hang out with his friends and family whenever he desires (without having to consider me or our children), he does not want tension between me and his family members, and most recently admitted that he is "just tired of being married." All my friends, family and therapist say the same thing: let him go and worry about yourself and your kids. But I just cannot accept defeat!!! I absolutely do NOT want a divorce - I believe in working things out and achieving a stronger marraige as a result. But as our one year separation date nears, my fears seem to be coming to fruition. Our one-year sep. date is April 11, 2012. On Apr 12, he will be allowed to file for a no-contest divorce and I won't be able to do anything about it, at least not in the state of NC. I am just dying every day April nears. I am open to any advice... and I look to my peers for guidance while I continue to pray to God.