Short version by Indiegirl:

2 kids

cheating on you with another married, insubordinate soldier.

You saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations.

his family unsupportive

Both APs kicked out of army due to military exposure

WH comes and goes dissapperaed for up to 2 months on one occasion, MIL physically assualted you on one of his return trips

You have listened to MB books galore

WH throws you the occasional bone in talking bits of recovery but he is not committed.


Long version, by me!

I had just began my life as a civilian post-enlistment in the Army. I began working full time at a clincial laboratory in Womack AMC, Ft Bragg, NC. I also began taking college courses in my spare time. My husband and I met working at the same lab during second shift. We dated about 9-10 months then married in court October 2004. I was already a veteran of 6 years service in the USArmy. He was still an active duty soldier in the the Army. I owned a house and we lived extremely in love and happily for several years before we finally became pregnant with our first born. She was born Feb 2007. Sean deployed Aug 2007 to Iraq. He came back and we were scheduled to move to Fort Rucker, AL. We chose to move to Ft Rucker, because we wanted to be closer to his family in Pensacola, FL (only 2.5 hours drive). We became pregnant again. I worked a small retail job for 3 months, then quit to attend school again. Our son was born on Thanksgiving day, Nov 2009. My husband received orders to move to Ft Hood, TX. We moved to Ft Hood, and before we knew it he was scheduled to deploy with his new unit. We both decided it was best if I got a full-time GS job again. Of all locations I applied, Womack hired me for an outlying clinic position. We moved out of pocket back to Fayetteville, NC. He left to deploy, but before he left the U.S., I purchased our current house with his consent and power of attorney. I began working end of Sep. 2010. His mother moved to Fayetteville to help me out. My husband's cousin (close like a brother), also in the Army, moved by assignment to Fayetteville as well.

Husband came home for his mid-tour rest and recovery (R&R) leave. This is when I noticed how distant and cold he was to me. He spent more time with his cousin and mother than with me and or our children. One night in bed I said "I love you," and when he said nothing, I asked "Do you even love me?" to which he replied, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that." An emotional arguement began and asked him if he was involved with someone else. He flat out lied to me, denying any affair. I sent him to sleep on the sofa downstairs from that night on. We went to 3 "emergency" marital counseling sessions, to no avail. Came time for him to redeploy back to Iraq, I refused to take him to the airport, so he got a ride with his cousin and mother. I returned to counseling for my own sanity. Husband had left on a Sunday morning. Later that Thursday just after my counseling, I broke into his FaceBook account and discovered my worst nightmare. He had been cheating on me with another married, insubordinate soldier. She was 6 years younger than him and did not care that she was hurting her own husband who was a deployed infantry soldier. I saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations. Without warning, the following Saturday I showed his mother the FB transcripts. I acted as if I was equally surprised to see her reaction. She was stunned and cried some. She said he had betrayed her as well. Apparantly she knew he was cheating on me and confronted him while he was home on his R&R. She told me he had lied to her. I don't trust her - I believe she knew much more than she let on.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke into his hotmail account and sent an email to his assigned "angel" - a program which assigns a volunteer to support a soldier over in Iraq. Husband skyped with me nervously the following Saturday. Once he knew that I discovered his affair, he had agreed to try to reconcile. But I told him that I was going to report them to their commander, because I could not trust that they would stay apart. I did just that. I started the proper way to report the affair, moving up the chain of command as a courtesy to the unit. But after waiting for 3 - 4 weeks being polite and patient while requesting any information from the unit and or the husband, I still had nothing. I finally decided to tell his unit I would send their case to IG if they continued to do nothing about it. Next thing husband becomes angry with me because they began to chapter him and her out of the Army. He announces he no longer wishes to reconcile. The unit kicked her out first. Then they sent him back to TX and kicked him out too. He received a "general" discharge by way of chapter 14 - apparantly a pretty bad chapter. Anyhow, he went straight to Pensacola and lived with his grandparents who basically coddled him while telling me they remain neutral in our situation. I thought that didn't make sense because if they had been truley neutral, wouldn't they have NOT welcomed him into their home? Shouldn't they have told him to be responsible for his actions? Well they did no such thing. Husband was completely inconsistant in staying in contact. He did not even bother to speak to our children.

After about a month of no success in acquiring a new job in Pensacola, he left in the middle of the night without telling his grandparents. He did not contact me for 2 months. Meanwhile, tension and bad feelings built up between my mother-in-law and her husband. They refused to return property that belonged to my husband and I. All of a sudden he announced he was coming up to Fayetteville. He came up and stayed with his cousin and his cousin's pregnant wife who was finally stationed at Ft Bragg. Early summer 2010, my husband asked to visit our children and at the last minute requested to bring his mother with him. My father was visiting from VA and my close friends were at my house so we could all celebrate my birthday. Before my husband and his mother could enter the house, I spoke to them on the front porch. Before I knew it, the conversation between his mother and I became heated. I told her more than once to leave, and that she was not welcome anymore. She did not leave. Instead she grabbed at me violently, breaking my nose and slamming me against my front door knob. All this occured right before my husband's eyes and he did NOTHING to stop her. My father and my friend's husband ran outside and separated me from the MIL.

I quickly hired a lawyer. Several court dates later, I had to request dismissal for the case against my MIL for trespassing and simple assualt, because I had to save money for custody and child support hearings which were more important to me. We now have joint custody, but I am primary custodial parent and he has visitation rights. I also receive a minimal amount for child support because he had no job. Just recently he was hired back at Womack lab as a government employee (an Army civilian like me). Currently I am still working full-time dayshift at one of Womack's outerlying clinics. I have a superb support system between my coworkers, my close friends in town and out of town, my father and brother who still live in VA, few distant relatives, an awesome therapist whom I see regularly while taking anti-depressant meds, and a fantastic private day care for my children.

I bought and listened to (repeatedly I might add) the audio book, His Needs, Her Needs (recommended by one of my closest friends). I also bought and read Surviving an Affair. In addition, I eventually purchased Love Busters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. I even bought and am still reading His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. I have also read through many pages of the MB website and some of the posts on the forum. I have also listened to the MB live station on my iPhone. At one point my husband even agreed to fill out some of the worksheets and agreed we could go over them together. He did fill out some of them and we shared a few, but I could tell he is just not commited. He refuses to attend marital counseling, and he clearly does not feel as though he has done anything wrong. Commincating with him is (no exaggeration) like pulling teeth. I have managed over a period of time to find out this much about how he feels: he desires the freedom to hang out with his friends and family whenever he desires (without having to consider me or our children), he does not want tension between me and his family members, and most recently admitted that he is "just tired of being married." All my friends, family and therapist say the same thing: let him go and worry about yourself and your kids. But I just cannot accept defeat!!! I absolutely do NOT want a divorce - I believe in working things out and achieving a stronger marraige as a result. But as our one year separation date nears, my fears seem to be coming to fruition. Our one-year sep. date is April 11, 2012. On Apr 12, he will be allowed to file for a no-contest divorce and I won't be able to do anything about it, at least not in the state of NC. I am just dying every day April nears. I am open to any advice... and I look to my peers for guidance while I continue to pray to God.

Congratulations on filing the adultery charges, EXPOSURE, and everything else you did. A great woman of deep strength.

There are many of us military folk on here, so you have come to the right place.

You and I have almost an identical situation. I also filed charges against my WH and his OW. It helped to break them up, but it has left my WH extremely angry and unwilling to come home. I am just a little ways ahead of you. My WH did file for divorce because he wants to chase his skank OW (the one from his adultery charges) when he is divorced. I know it is crazy because the military told they will get in big trouble, but he insists it is true love



How old are your children?
Married for 7 years.

Dr. Harley is specifically working with the military to solve this awful epidemic of adultery that is destroying our families. We leave our spouses to serve on their deployment, and they come back high on adultery and destroying their families. It is truly awful.

My best advice is to email the radio program about "How to get your wayward husband (WH) to get over his anger with the adultery charges so you can save your marriage." The link is mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Dr. Harley is perfect for this situation, and he has special insight into this since he is currently working with the military.

It is time work on yourself. Your WH is acting like an 18 year old adolescent, throwing a temper tantrum because he got caught and is big bad wifey is the one who caught him. How dare you stop your WH from dating the town tramp !!!!

You did wonderful and I am so proud of how you stood up and fought adultery. This is how you save your family.

It will be a rollercoaster, and the best thing you can do is get your life in order. Become the best darn person on the planet.

When I spoke to Dr. Harley he did suggest to me to Plan A from a distance and then head into Plan B. I am not sure how long you have Plan A'd your WH, but if you haven't then I suggest trying it for 3 - 4 weeks, and then get ready for Plan B.

Can I help sum up?

Wow thats still a bit legnthy....

Hows this?

-----------------------------
2 kids

cheating on you with another married, insubordinate soldier.

You saved and printed 108 pages of their FB conversations.

his family unsupportive

Both APs kicked out of army due to military exposure

WH comes and goes dissapperaed for up to 2 months on one occasion, MIL physically assualted you on one of his return trips

You have listened to MB books galore

WH throws you the occasional bone in talking bits of recovery but he is not committed.

------------------

Welcome to MB.

Was the affair in September? Have you implemented MB plans since then?

Has exposure to OWs H and her family been done?

Exposure to your children?

Will he commit to NC?

Are you snooping for ongoing contact?

OMG indiegirl you are awesome. Great advice and great sum! Our children are 4 goin on 5 next month, and 2. I am so glad I posted even for your single response I already feel better. I am actually working on myself a little at a time. I classically changed my hairstyle to short and straight with a gorgeous color (from curly and frizzy, lol), I got braces (6-month smiles) and they are coming off very soon and I am working to fit zumba and or step into my schedule so I can lose about 45-50 pounds. I am also planning to have a bilateral mastectomy (strong family history of breast cancer) and get fake boobs put in. I know that once I really get into the exercise and see the pounds shedding I will regain my strength and confidence because I have actually done it before (after my first child). I am maintaining my sanity level by means of medication and psychotherapy, but I do have one shortcoming. I still need to work on my spiritual health. I'm also looking into earning my BS in Medical Science (so I can make more money, right?). So I do have goals, but everytime I interact with him even for a brief text, I am set back emotionally. He is so damn callus it hurts like a dagger. I hate that he has visitation rights as I do not feel as though he deserves our children. He treats them like consolation prizes. Right now he is getting his cake and eating it too. It pisses me off.

Oh I forgot to add in the summary - I found out from him that he was staying with the OW for those two months he was incognito. He tried and failed getting hired there too.

Congratulations on standing for yourself. You did good! Chapter 14 for those not military minded is a general discharge for misconduct when they deem the soldier unrehabilitatable. Under ARMY code of conduct, he is required to have been to counseling before being deemed that way.

CV

I exposed him to EVERYBODY just before I initiated exposure to the military. My kids are too young to understand yet.

The affair 11/2010 - 05/2011, then 07/2011-08/2011. He may or may not be communicating long distance with her, but he claims they ended it mutually before he left in 08/2011.

I did attempt Plan A, but found quickly that it wasn't really doing any good. Have not been able to initiate Plan B because I have no idea who could be the IM.

He more than likely has already commited to NC because he won't find a better job than the one he was just hired onto. He was offered GS-7 on 3rd shift at the lab with night and weekend diff. Plus I don't even know what step he'll get (probably step 3 or 4 based on his years of service). In short he'll be making anywhere from $45-50G annually. A bit more than I make.

I have no idea how I can snoop since he's changed all his passwords.

One thing you can do now that he's working is have child support adjusted to reflect it. If he's unwilling to work with you or be civil, hit him where it hurts (no, not there)... The pocketbook.

CV

Thanks CV, I'm already working on the child support adjustment with my lawyer. According to NC law, we are required to attend mediation, so we have to do that first. Also, my lawyer already put out a subpeona for a recent proof of income. I recommend her to anyone in the Fayetteville/Fort Bragg area.

Have you looked into an Alienation of Affection Lawsuit?

Respect to you, tee_ivy.
You did what most of the BS's here find really difficult, the great act of exposure. You did good!
Follow the advice the vets here give you, they are here to help, most of them have been through (very) similar situations.

Thanks Maryse!

You know, it was because I knew I did not deserve to be treated with such lack of respect by my WH that I exposed him. First I exposed him to his mother but very carefully. His mother told everyone else, and I knew she would. But of course his family doesn't respect me at all because they hold no value to respect or the institute of marraige. They are quite simple minded, actually. Then I exposed them both to their chain of command properly and gave them plenty of time to take action and remained courteous with every one I spoke to. Then I exposed her to her husband very short and to the point on FB. I felt so bad for him the most, but I knew he deserved the truth, too. I don't remember when I told my father, but it was also within that time frame. I just felt so strongly that I did not want him to get away with this. And I still feel that way. *sigh* Don't get me wrong, I'm still suffering many reprocussions, such as not having enough money to pay the mortgage or car note on time because he lost his nice and steady paycheck. However, that will resolve itself once my lawyer digs out more child support from his pockets for me. So all in all, I would have to say, faith, strong values and convictions, and many prayers from my family and friends got me through the great exposure.

@Bottlerocket:

Yes I have - my lawyer says I can file against the OW, but she doesn't do that so she recommended another lawyer who will cost $10G. Also she advised that filing for alienation of affection against the OW isn't worth it if she doesn't have large sums of money. I don't have that kind of money to invest in a case I'm not sure I'll make any money off of. I'll wind up owing more money to the other lawyer instead.

I will try to use plan A again with a better effort. It was difficult for me the first time because I was very freshly angry and hurt. But I wonder, how will I implement plan A "from a distance," as Dr Harley suggested? My WH is already living with cousin in town, he is planning to rent his own place soon. Shall I stick to letters and phone? Is email ok?

Also, when I do go into plan B, I don't have 18 months to ride out until divorce. He already wants a divorce and will probably file just after our one year separation date, Apr 11. What should I do in this case?

I would try Plan A for only a couple weeks, and then get into Plan B.

Your WH has the mentality of a teenager today. He is probably hanging with either single or divorced friends who have no interest in parenting. His only interest today is probably having a bachelor lifestyle with drinking and partying.

Get your Plan B letter ready.

Yes more than likely so... but he is very active in his visitation. I still see him when he picks up the children at my home every other weekend, and every Wednesday he visits at my house for a couple of hours. I sucks so bad to keep a poker face when I'm still so hurt. And the fact that he blames me still just baffles me!!! Well, I'll start working on my plan B letter. I am now working on finding a few different intermediaries.

I do have a burning couple of questions though... what the ____ is up with this generation of men??? Has EVERY man born in the 70's/80's been coddled by their mothers??? Seems like all my friends and even strangers that I meet in this situation have all been with men born of this time frame!!! What's worse is that when they run back to their Momma's (and they do) they continue to be coddled!!! Thier mother's don't put their sons in check and teach them how to be responsible for their actions... this pisses me off sooooooooooooo much!!!!!

So far so good... Few days ino plan A doing ok. He doesn't live at home though, so when he leaves the house it still stings in my heart. I hate watching him leave. I watched that movie, "No Strings Attached" and I boo-hooed all throughout it. I couldn't help wish my own WH was more like the character Adam (Ashton Kutcher). It was a cute movie all in all but it made me feel so sad too. So later on I sorted through my monstrous pile of piled up mail and stuff searching for every valid receipt I could count towards property we owned during our marriage up to our separation date. I stayed up until half past midnight. Tomorrow I have the grueling task of adding them all up for this ridiculous "equitable division" worksheet my lawyer needs for our upcoming hearing. We will see later on if, when and how that works out. I still worry that plan A or B may not work out. It seems as though he is quite comfortable with his independent behavior- he spends all his time with his family ALL the time. His mother and step father always go over to his cousins house where he lives and they all do the same boring thing - eat, eat, eat, and watch sports or gamble. Yes, even his mother watches football avidly since she LOVES to play in a fantasy football league (it's so irritating). If it isn't fantasy football then they are always playing poker. *SIGH* they are soooooo BORING. And what's worse is that he just gravitates to them doing the same bland things when before he used to love trying new things and participate in activities such as racquetball, dancing, taking photographs (he's a great ameteur). His family is so uncultured and focused on money (since they are always broke) all the time and they just seem to bring him down to their level. Alright I may have strayed off topic a bit, but I wanted to point out some of his independent behavior and how much I dislike it.

He really doesn't want anything to do with me or our house. He avoids coming over if he doesn't have to. He told me last night he would stop by sometime to do a tax correction on our 2010 taxes. But this morning he said he just doesn't want to come over today. I swear every time I'm rejected it's like he keeps tearing at the same wound in my heart - I can't help but take it so personally. It hurts so much to be rejected by him. I really don't know how much longer I can do plan A.

teeivy, I would make plans to get thee into Plan B ASAP. He should not be allowed into your home after you go dark so I would think of some creative ways for him to have visitation somewhere else so you don't have to see him again.

Are you familiar with Plan B? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Check out this thread: How to Plan B CORRECTLY

Yes I am familiar with Plan B, and yes I have the book, SAA. I have also read and reread the link to the thread you sent me. I will make arrangements and begin working on my PBL as soon as I finish my lawyer's homework. Then I will talk to my lawyer about changing visitation locations since I pretty much have to stay put for court reasons. Thank you, MelodyLane.