It's been a month since my husband moved in with the OW. Apparently their relationship had been building for the past several months before that (they are co-workers) and my husband had been feeling really neglected.
Here's where it gets interesting: My husband thought I didn't love him, so he figured that once he told me, I would just kick him to the curb--and he was surprised to find that I will NOT leave him, and he realizes that I DO love him. He thought his decision was cut-and-dried, now it's not so simple.
So now WH is living with the OW. No papers have been filed and she says that he's stringing me along and to file dissolution papers already. She wants him for himself because, so WH says, he's her soulmate (and he thinks that she's his soulmate). He's torn between our 18-year marriage and what he feels for her.
WH knows that he is welcome back. Thing is she keeps him on a leash and doesn't want him to spend "family time" with me and our son (she views me as a threat). She says if he wants to spend time with our son, bring him back to her place (where he's staying). I said I don't want that. She's divorcing her husband and from what I've heard he's rather violent, and I do not want my son in that situation...not to mention I do NOT want the OW around my son!
(I might add that WH "sneaks out" to come see us...on a pretense of going to the store or whatever. I hate that.)
WH says he loves me and misses me and will always love me. He just doesn't know what he wants.
Divorce is not an option for me. I want to make that clear. I just want to know, how do I attract him back? I find it interesting that when he realized that I do love him, he didn't just say "too late, see you later." He says that we might have a future together, and to keep wearing my ring.
KJVR,
Sorry you're here, but this is the best place to be in your circumstances. The vets will be along shortly to give you their advice. It's not going to be what you want to hear, but if you have ANY chance of recovering your marriage, it is a very narrow path that you have to follow. Do what they say.
What's really interesting is he wants to put our wedding video on DVD and put pictures on CD. I have to add that at first he was just going to find a sleeping room on his own...but then the OW entered the picture. Were it not for her we'd be back together now.
He didn't expect me to react the way I did and said I showed a lot of maturity--and that it makes me more attractive to him. I told him that I love him and did not want to just dump him.
My mother says that the OW will get more demanding and less attractive to him.
His sister is firmly on my side. She's been giving me a lot of advice. Another Christian friend listened and said, "He'll be back." I hope so.
Plus the OW has 3 kids with her.
I don't know...I don't want to give up if there's still hope that our marriage can be saved. I've already been implementing changes in my life.
Have you exposed? You need to read the thread titled "Exposure 101." I'll see if I can find it.
I think everyone where he works knows. That kind of place, something like that is just something else to talk about. His parents and sister know. My mother knows.
I'm not on Facebook, haven't been for months. (I do know that his relationship status is listed as In a Relationship...but it doesn't say with who.)
My sister-in-law says he needs to realize that what he's doing is wrong (be convicted of it) and that he needs the courage to walk away from the OW. I think he's afraid that should he come back to me he'll think he made a mistake. That's the impression I keep getting. And strange as it sounds, my WH has been giving me "pointers" as to what he wants...such as how he wants to be kissed. (Maybe he wants me to win him back?)
You will get plenty of great advice shortly, but you need to do some reading and get your priorities in order.
Your first order of business is breaking this A up. Your best bet for that is a definitive exposure. Do not assume that people know�be sure that they do. Read the links you�ve been supplied with above and start working on this NOW.
As for Face Book�.get back on there and take care of that angle as well. You need to get this done quickly and all at once. You can�t tell one or two people to build your courage, you do it in one fell swoop and brace yourself.
Listen closely to what other say and heed their advice. Don�t wait.
I have other friends on Facebook...should I have them do this exposure?
My W was on the fence -- scratch that -- I ALLOWED my W to stay on the fence for 3 months becasue I waffled and hesitated with exposure.
Once I exposed, what I waited, hoped, and wished for for 3 months -- an end to the fence sitting -- was accomplished in about 3 hours after I exposed.
Listen to the vets, and read the Exposure 101 thread.
One thing I am afraid of...if the A breaks up, WH will blame me and dump me anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I want them to break up. As far as workplace, I already know they're being talked about there.
One thing I am afraid of...if the A breaks up, WH will blame me and dump me anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I want them to break up. As far as workplace, I already know they're being talked about there.
KJV, sorry you are here and welcome.
I would be more afraid that he would want to continue this arrangement for years to come, because that is what will happen.
Of course you have become more attractive to him, because he wants you BOTH.
The situation you are currently creating is going to cause you to have a nervous breakdown and some long term emotional effects.
There is a lot that you can do to ensure the best possible chance to recover your marriage. You just need to do the MB plans 100%. First thing you will want to do is expose, and start Plan A while getting ready to enter Plan B.
You are going to want to expose to EVERYONE who has influence over your WH and OW. You will want to do it the way that MelodyLane has outlined in her thread(which another poster has already linked for you). There is also a link in my signature for a thread which will help guide you around this site.
Could you please answer the questions on that thread here on yours?
I have other friends on Facebook...should I have them do this exposure?
No, do it yourself. There is plenty of info at the links given about FB exposure. Read and prepare.
One thing I am afraid of...if the A breaks up, WH will blame me and dump me anyway.
Hasn't he basically dumped you by moving in with his skank?
Yes, he's going to blame you and be furious, which means you hit a nerve and struck a huge victory for marriage. His anger will die down with time.
Your current course of waiting to see what happens is going to lead you to divorce more surely than anything. Be proactive and take the advice of others who have been there. Your family may mean well by telling you that he'll get his fill and come back on his own, but what experience are they speaking from?
KJV
Welcome to MB and sorry you are here but glad that you have found this site so you can get the help to recover your marriage.
First of all please take the time to read the basic concepts section (it is on the first page before you accessed the forum) and I am sure someone will also help by posting Dr H's video clip to help you understand these concepts more.
Your WH is living in a fantasy world where he is getting his needs met by two women (we call this cake eating) the most effective way to brake up this fantasy is to expose this A to everyone and enlist their help to influence him to brake up his affair and work on the marriage.
Here is an example of the exposure letter
"Dear family/friends
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage."
Once you expose there will be a backlash of anger and tantrums from your WH but this is seen as a good sign because it means that you have hit the target and are well on your way to end this Affair, the anger is short lived and it will not damage your chance to rebuild your marriage.
Many many brave people have taken this step and have seen the rewards and those who didn't are still talking about how much they regret not exposing the A because they find themselves miles away from any chance of recovery.
I'm sure the vets will be here soon to help you more.
The OW's husband already knows about the affair and is pretty mad. In fact he told the OW that when my husband leaves her he'll sit back and laugh.
Have you read the exposure thread yet? Get your exposure targets figured out, and how you will contact them. What about their employer? Is your WH a superior to OW?
No, WH is not superior/inferior.
Just about WH's whole family knows. OW's husband knows (and I think her parents do--but don't seem to be interested in discouraging things).
My SIL has tried to talk a bit of sense into him. Thing is he gets stubborn and she can only convey so much to him at once before he stops listening. She says he thought it had it figured out--but did not anticipate that he would be wrong about how I really felt about him, so now he's conflicted.
Do all of these people 'know' because you told them? If it didn't come from you, it needs to. You have know idea what they have heard or how it was spun if it didn't come directly from you.
There is a difference between people knowing and people being asked to influence help him end his affair.
I also note you said the OW's husband is violent etc but I guarantee that this is not true you probably heard this from your WH who in turn was given this information for the skank, almost every single skank I have heard of on this site sings the same song regarding being abused etc and it's always a lie in order to justify their disgusting behaviour.
DO NOT RELY or assume any information regarding OWs marriage or family unless you hear it directly from the Husband or family. Cheaters LIE, skanks LIE even more.
Trust the experience and wisdom of the people who have bee where you are and helped countless others in the same situation as you not the pople who have a vested interest in making up stories to make themselves look good while behaving badly.
Yeah...and W's 'friends' in work knew -- that did alot of good, eh?
And of course, OM said shhhh...he wouldn't say anyhting to his construction buddies on the job. Riiiiggggghhhhhhtttttt.
Expose the affair, end the affair.
KJVReader. Here is what Dr. Harley says about situations like yours.
Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery.
Here is a link to the entire article
What are Plan A and Plan B
No, WH is not superior/inferior.
Just about WH's whole family knows. OW's husband knows (and I think her parents do--but don't seem to be interested in discouraging things).
My SIL has tried to talk a bit of sense into him. Thing is he gets stubborn and she can only convey so much to him at once before he stops listening. She says he thought it had it figured out--but did not anticipate that he would be wrong about how I really felt about him, so now he's conflicted.
I'm sure you've been given this by now.
Please follow it.
Melodylane's 101 Exposure
How would I implement plan B if necessary, seeing as how I'm not going to deny him seeing our son?
So sorry you have a need to be here, KJV, but you couldn't have landed in a better place than you are right now.
You've said some things, and have been asked about these things and have yet to answer. Among them.....
She's divorcing her husband and from what I've heard he's rather violent, and I do not want my son in that situation...not to mention I do NOT want the OW around my son!
I think everyone where he works knows. That kind of place, something like that is just something else to talk about.
As far as workplace, I already know they're being talked about there.
The OW's husband already knows about the affair and is pretty mad. In fact he told the OW that when my husband leaves her he'll sit back and laugh.
OW's husband knows (and I think her parents do--but don't seem to be interested in discouraging things).
There's more I could put in here, but you get the point. The question is exactly how do you know all this? Because if all this "info" came from your WH it's nothing more than a desperate attempt to convince you that everyone already knows and to keep you from shining the light of day on his adultery.
Don't believe a word he says for the near future. He has morphed into one the best liars you'll run across for some time to come. Just get to work on your exposure plan, then do it.
Don't be afraid of losing him because of exposure. What you need to understand and accept is that you've already lost him. He's already living with his Soul Mate Shmoopie! How much more could you lose?
Now it's a matter of what you are willing to do to get him back.
Thing is I have not *totally* lost him. No papers have been filed so far that I know of, despite her nagging him to do so. He still visits and still hugs and kisses me. He says he doesn't want to burn bridges.
I used to work where he does, and it's entirely believable that everyone knows, since that place is a huge gossip mill. In fact he was telling me that they were seeing him with his sister (which I know for a fact he was with his sister) and saying that he was cheating on me...but later I learned they thought he was cheating on me *and* the OW.
Of course he doesn't want to burn bridges. He wants both of you.
Possibly three of you, if there's an OW2.
He is getting things from you and things from her and he does not want to cut that off!
You have lost him. The real him. The real him has been abducted by an alien who wants nothing but cake, cake, cake, for ME ME ME.
The real him CAN come back but you're going to have to be tough.
Thing is I have not *totally* lost him. No papers have been filed so far that I know of, despite her nagging him to do so. He still visits and still hugs and kisses me. He says he doesn't want to burn bridges.
I used to work where he does, and it's entirely believable that everyone knows, since that place is a huge gossip mill. In fact he was telling me that they were seeing him with his sister (which I know for a fact he was with his sister) and saying that he was cheating on me...but later I learned they thought he was cheating on me *and* the OW.
I never said or implied that you have totally lost him. I simply threw out a fact that you can't deny.
And you still haven't answered the question that has been asked by me and others.
Do you want help in busting up this affair and getting your husband back or not?
If you're looking for a chat board to commiserate, then you've picked the wrong board on this website. If you're looking for a solution to this crap you're having to deal with and an action plan to give your marriage the best chance at recovery, well, then you have the right board.
I know you are hurt and terrified of what has been going on in your life. But you must understand that this website is about a proven methodology that gives you the best chance of recovering your marriage. But it's up to you whether or not to implement the tools that are here.
The folks on your thread can only do so much. It's entirely up to you to listen, learn, and implement.
Yes, I would love to break up the affair. But I am quite certain that just about everyone where he works knows about it (that place is quite the gossip mill).
Obviously I've never been through this hell before. I am so scared of losing him permanently. I love him deeply.
He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
I am so confused....
Yes, I would love to break up the affair. But I am quite certain that just about everyone where he works knows about it (that place is quite the gossip mill).
Obviously I've never been through this hell before. I am so scared of losing him permanently. I love him deeply.
He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
I am so confused....
KJV, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your best hope lies in officially exposing the affair. If the affair is officially exposed, people will take action. But people are not going to take action on baseless gossip. And that is all it is when you don't officially expose the truth.
By not telling the true story, you allow the affairees to to spin the story to others. On the other hand, if you expose the affair using the talking points in the thread in my signature, people tend to take action on your behalf. Exposure is the most potent weapon you have in saving your marriage.
And you should not be chasing your husband. That makes you very unattractive and very unlikely to win him back. Your best strategy is to stop chasing him and cut off all contact until he will end his affair. You make it less likely he will come back by allowing him to contact you.
The funny thing is, one of the things that first attracted him to me was a bit of pursuit to begin with.... *scratches head*
But I am quite certain that just about everyone where he works knows about it (that place is quite the gossip mill).
This tells me you are not at all certain, but just want to believe so. Don't fall into that trap. It's a painful one.
Obviously I've never been through this hell before. I am so scared of losing him permanently. I love him deeply.
I know you do, and I'm quite sure everyone here believes the same, otherwise you wouldn't be here searching for answers.
He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
No ma'am, this is classic cake eating at it's finest. He knows you are terrified of losing him and he's playing this card to the hilt. You are pretty much allowing him to control you just like a string puppet. And why? Because he knows he can.
You need to relieve him of that power. Full exposure will accomplish that. Don't believe me? Go read some threads on this board. The proof is there.
You just gotta have faith in the MB concepts. They DO work!
If you use them
He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
I am so confused....
KJVReader. This actually does not seem strange at all. It is typical "cake eater" behaviour. He is enjoying having TWO women meeting his needs. He has no reason to choose either of you because, with this arrangement, he thinks he has died and gone to heaven.
Do a stellar Plan A while preparing for Plan B. Show him how good things can be with you. No love busters or angry
outbursts.
Here is a link for Plan B. This where you cut off your supply of the cake and focus on recovering yourself.
how to Plan B CORRECTLYIt is important that you understand Plan B and are committed to it. Read over the link and ask questions. Remember Plan A until you push the Plan B button.
To add: Focus on the threads of posters that actually listen and go FULL nuclear exposure, not half assed exposure. If you're not gonna go balls to the wall with it, then don't bother; it could do more harm than good.
I was trying to get one BH a few months ago to expose and all he exposed was his WW's family and friends. Made absolutely NO efforts whatsoever to expose the OM. Pissed me off beyond belief. I tried and tried, but......
Guess what happened? By not exposing the OM he essentially turned the OM into the knight in shining armor because HE was the only one left that his WW could turn to for comfort. Everyone else shunned her, even her own children! He didn't follow the plan entirely and it killed his chances of ending the adultery and giving him a chance to restore his family. Whether or not those chances are completely diminished, only time will tell.
All I do know is that he hasn't been back, and that truly does sadden me. I really do hate to see a very recoverable marriage obliterated because of fear and inaction.
Don't allow this to happen KJV.
Time to fight
To add: Focus on the threads of posters that actually listen and go FULL nuclear exposure, not half assed exposure. If you're not gonna go balls to the wall with it, then don't bother; it could do more harm than good.
Amen to this. Go large or go home! Because half measures will avail you nothing except a ticked off wayward.
To add: Focus on the threads of posters that actually listen and go FULL nuclear exposure, not half assed exposure. If you're not gonna go balls to the wall with it, then don't bother; it could do more harm than good.I was trying to get one BH a few months ago to expose and all he exposed was his WW's family and friends. Made absolutely NO efforts whatsoever to expose the OM. Pissed me off beyond belief. I tried and tried, but......
Guess what happened? By not exposing the OM he essentially turned the OM into the knight in shining armor because HE was the only one left that his WW could turn to for comfort. Everyone else shunned her, even her own children! He didn't follow the plan entirely and it killed his chances of ending the adultery and giving him a chance to restore his family. Whether or not those chances are completely diminished, only time will tell.
All I do know is that he hasn't been back, and that truly does sadden me. I really do hate to see a very recoverable marriage obliterated because of fear and inaction.
Don't allow this to happen KJV.
Time to fight
KJV, you need to expose to the OW's family, including her children.
Yes, it is hard, and will anger your WH, but your marriage can survive his anger. It cannot survive his affair.
It was only when I exposed to OW's children and boss that the A impacted OW enough for her to back off and stop re-igniting WH's infatuation. I let him know I was DONE with him (after 3 D-days, idiot-me) thinking he could woo two women and having one of them be me.
Not exposing where it could impact OW just continued the illusion of OW, even with all her baggage, as somoeone "easy to be with" as FWH's carefree escape. Exposing to OW's family made all the difference.
I'm sure that OWH is not violent (did your WH (who heard it from OW) told you that?) and he does not have a full truth what is going on. Therefore he has to get the information FROM YOU.
Be prepared that he even doesnt know there is OM (your WH).
Oh, and OW was in the picture much earlier than you think - she was there from the beginning when you and your WH started to have "problems".
I can tell from things you have said (and your user name) that you have a �marriage at any cost� mentality. That�s not said to bash you, but to make a point.
You need to understand that your current method of trying not to rock the boat, not wanting to expose, assuming people know the truth, taking his scraps of affection (a hug here and there etc) is leading you to divorce faster than anything else you can do short of filing yourself tomorrow. You may think that keeping a low profile is helping, but it�s definitely not.
The best chance your marriage has is to take some action. It may seem counter productive at first thought, but the numbers don�t lie. There are no guarantees that exposure and following the plan suggested here will work�.the only guarantee is that continued inaction WILL drive your marriage to divorce. This is your best chance to kill this A and get your WH to remove his head from his rear and realize what he is doing.